oneeyeopen

three AM, abf calls, zonking out, 24 hours without his meds. I agree to take them to him, with the intention of doing just that...but then, after a lot of thinking and listening to him manipulate me I ended up letting him come back to my place. It is funny how we KNOW they are manipulating us and we still fall for it.

I have realized that this is part of the codependency thing. There is this temporary moment where I feel like I have some power, some control. He needs me, he needs my place to hide, and I can provide that, I get a kick out of being important and needed, I get a kick out of his pleading with me to let him have those things.

But then, it falls away almost instantly, as soon as I give in, it goes back to crabby, obnoxious, insulting post-binge crap and I sit there thinking I should just pull the car over and throw him out. But I don't, I don't do the thing I should because, like a good codependent I want him in my apartment where I can keep an eye on him, where I know, for the moment, he is safe from himself.

Awareness is all very fine but if I can't implement it into some sort of action it just ends up tearing me up, I feel horrible guilt for enabling, killing him with compassion, I hate that I go two steps forward and then backwards again, and embarressed for my weekenss...funny those last two things, exactly what the abf feels.

so many of the things I say about my situation exactly mirror his situation. Our motivations are the same, we just express things differently.

I hate to say this, but the abf is probably going to jail in a week for an oui and I am looking forward to it!!!! he might be there as long as a month. I see it as two things--I get a vacation from this situation, time away from his manipulations to really think things through, I will see that, yeah, I can live without him, and for him -- a month with no drinking or drugs (although there are a lot of those in jail anyway and with the boredom factor don't a lot of inmates do drugs?). I have heard a lot of people in al-anon talk about these shorter jail times as a god send for that reason.

As for my mom, I feel like saying to her "you know, there was a reason why I wasn't having him move in and then you went and whined about him staying there and not paying any rent and his father forked money over and now you put a freeking drunken addict right into my place."

thanks guys

Lovestoomuch

Your post reminds me of where I was at the beginning of my recovery.......and even in the middle of it. I caved so many times with my exabf and like you, I knew deep down he was just manipulating me. Not 10 minutes into my letting him back in I was regreting it......with all his crabby whining and complaining. I'd ask myself over and over "what were you thinking??" Then I would pray to HP to intervene and somehow get him OUT by any means possible LOL.

I used to love the times he would disappear or go to jail........not only for him, but for my sanity as well. If he were gone, I couldn't rescue him, call him, or do something to wreck havok in my life. I wouldn't have to stay strong because the problem was taken from me.

Hang in there honey and enjoy your time away from him. Believe it or not......even short stints of jail time make you stronger, and you'll find more and more that life is good when you don't have that monkey on your back.

dollydo

The system is not going to save you. It is up to you. No point in setting bounderies if you are not going to stick to them, it only weakens your position.

You have to sit back and decide what you really want, and then go forward with it. If it is to keep him in your life, then so be it, live with it. If it is not, then set your bounderies and stick to them.

You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he does not, never has, never will.

marle

Do a web search for the Karpmann Drama Triangle. Good reading and you may find yourself in there. I know that I saw myself and the way my AD and I interact. I save, she persecutes me for it and then I play the victim. Trying to treat an adult like a child never works. It always will come back and bite you in the behind. Hugs, Marle