what a week!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
what a week!
As you know I moved and broke up with abf. and all was fine for about two days...
then I agreed to continue in the way I have been with abf (seeing each other but not living together until sobriety is achieved, we have never lived together)...so, he comes over. well, then, through a complicated situation involving my mother and his father, he ends up paying her 450 for the abf to stay at my place...(thanks mom)(mom doesn't know about abf's problems) so, there we were sort-of living together...abf had been clean a few weeks and had been winding his drinking down to a few beers two nights a week. and I so so so so wanted to believe it was going to be okay so I bought into his fantasy.
BUT...as you can guess....one day into this odd living arrangement, I agree to go out with abf (is was the anniversary of our first date) and ... he drinks, eventually I just go home and ...you guessed it--he goes and uses.
SO, I get home last night, I think about it, I put my cell on silent (I always keep it on if one of my kids needs me) I unplugged the house phone, and I fell into a fitful sleep and swore to myself not to call him NO MATTER WHAT.
this afternoon he calls and wants to come back here and sleep it off..well, cripes, I have my 14 year old and his friend here and the last thing I want is that showing up, so I say no. He alludes to this new living arrangement and I say "as soon as you opted to walk into the crack house you opted to move out of here."
I got the whole string of reasons why it makes sense for him to come here...and I kept saying "that's not my problem"
I told him "I don't do drugs, that's why I never have these kinds of problems..."
the whole gamut -- he says:
my meds are there--not my problem
I'll have to call my parents to pick me up---not my problem
I feel like crap--not my problem
I just want to sleep now, we can talk about it tomorrow--not my problem
this is your problem too because we are together--nope, not my problem, together or not, and you know what, as soon as you chose drugs last night, you broke up with me.
He says, that's it then? we're through?
and I say, if you are clean and sober you can give me a call and we will see what happens.
How long do I have to be clean? he says
Obviously longer than 2 or 5 or 7 weeks (his longest stretch for this relapse)
He says "you'll regret this"
and I say, "oh yeah, I sure will regret never having to go with you to a bar again, never having to drive home in tears, never having another sleepless night wondering what has happened...Yeah, big regrets there."
and you know what, here I am having a quiet day, been organizing my kitchen and unpacking, I paid bills, I started watching 24 (I record the whole season and then watch it all at once during the summer) I did laundry, and I just had a mellow time, and it has been nice.
and, I don't know how abf has worked out his situation, but you know what, I will probably hear about it soon enough, and the world didn't end just because I didn't fix it.
I said to him "why is it you never want my help when I try to stop you from going out and using but as soon as you are finished then you call me to ask for help?"
I know the answer to that! we all do, they want us to enable them to keep using rather than enabling them to stop.
anyhow, I feel strong, I am glad I stood up for myself, and I feel really ready to along with my ultimatums. I think I am at this point where I only want to be with this man if it is good times rather than accepting the bad times just to be with him with the hope that good times will come later..
thanks all
then I agreed to continue in the way I have been with abf (seeing each other but not living together until sobriety is achieved, we have never lived together)...so, he comes over. well, then, through a complicated situation involving my mother and his father, he ends up paying her 450 for the abf to stay at my place...(thanks mom)(mom doesn't know about abf's problems) so, there we were sort-of living together...abf had been clean a few weeks and had been winding his drinking down to a few beers two nights a week. and I so so so so wanted to believe it was going to be okay so I bought into his fantasy.
BUT...as you can guess....one day into this odd living arrangement, I agree to go out with abf (is was the anniversary of our first date) and ... he drinks, eventually I just go home and ...you guessed it--he goes and uses.
SO, I get home last night, I think about it, I put my cell on silent (I always keep it on if one of my kids needs me) I unplugged the house phone, and I fell into a fitful sleep and swore to myself not to call him NO MATTER WHAT.
this afternoon he calls and wants to come back here and sleep it off..well, cripes, I have my 14 year old and his friend here and the last thing I want is that showing up, so I say no. He alludes to this new living arrangement and I say "as soon as you opted to walk into the crack house you opted to move out of here."
I got the whole string of reasons why it makes sense for him to come here...and I kept saying "that's not my problem"
I told him "I don't do drugs, that's why I never have these kinds of problems..."
the whole gamut -- he says:
my meds are there--not my problem
I'll have to call my parents to pick me up---not my problem
I feel like crap--not my problem
I just want to sleep now, we can talk about it tomorrow--not my problem
this is your problem too because we are together--nope, not my problem, together or not, and you know what, as soon as you chose drugs last night, you broke up with me.
He says, that's it then? we're through?
and I say, if you are clean and sober you can give me a call and we will see what happens.
How long do I have to be clean? he says
Obviously longer than 2 or 5 or 7 weeks (his longest stretch for this relapse)
He says "you'll regret this"
and I say, "oh yeah, I sure will regret never having to go with you to a bar again, never having to drive home in tears, never having another sleepless night wondering what has happened...Yeah, big regrets there."
and you know what, here I am having a quiet day, been organizing my kitchen and unpacking, I paid bills, I started watching 24 (I record the whole season and then watch it all at once during the summer) I did laundry, and I just had a mellow time, and it has been nice.
and, I don't know how abf has worked out his situation, but you know what, I will probably hear about it soon enough, and the world didn't end just because I didn't fix it.
I said to him "why is it you never want my help when I try to stop you from going out and using but as soon as you are finished then you call me to ask for help?"
I know the answer to that! we all do, they want us to enable them to keep using rather than enabling them to stop.
anyhow, I feel strong, I am glad I stood up for myself, and I feel really ready to along with my ultimatums. I think I am at this point where I only want to be with this man if it is good times rather than accepting the bad times just to be with him with the hope that good times will come later..
thanks all
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are an awesome example of how setting boundaries and sticking to them can really make a difference in taking care of US.
Those are recovery words speaking loud and clear. You shine, girl!!!!
Hugs
He alludes to this new living arrangement and I say "as soon as you opted to walk into the crack house you opted to move out of here."
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
You didn't just talk the talk, you walked the walk!! Way to go, girl!!!
Your peace and strength are jumping out thru the computer.
Keep going...keep looking after YOU.
I'm so proud of you...I hope you're proud of you too.
Your peace and strength are jumping out thru the computer.
Keep going...keep looking after YOU.
I'm so proud of you...I hope you're proud of you too.
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