Am I the only one?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: nevada
Posts: 22
Am I the only one?
Hello, this is my first ever post to this site. I have been wanting to attend some alanon meetings and it has been difficult so I thought this would be the next best thing.
I don't exactly know how to start this post so I will just go for it, I come from a family of alcoholics, you probably guessed that already though huh? All my life I have felt lonley and I have done everything I could possibly do to fix myself. I have read countless books, I have went to therapy alone and with my husband and now I am trying this. I don't know how to make it go away, I think it is one of the reasons I feel so alone in my marriage. I don't want to misdiagnose the problem and blame my husband, get divorced and still have the same empty feeling. When I did speak to my therapist, she has suggested many times over that I go to Alanon and I have been hesitant I think because I hate feeling bad, I felt bad all through my childhood and I got into a bad relationship in my teens and I vowed then that I would be happy. I do have a great husband and great kids but this feeling is still around. I am so frustrated and I can't help wanting to fight it. I wanted to know if there is anyone else that feels this way or am I off course? Is it my present relationship that makes me feel alone (we have our problems, he is a recovering gambling addict, hasn't gambled in 5 years but does not attend meetings) or is it some stuff left back in the past? This is very painful to come face to face with and I just wundered (get it, wunderland, ha ha) if anyone else has come full circle with this or is still coping and if so, how? Thanks in advance.
I don't exactly know how to start this post so I will just go for it, I come from a family of alcoholics, you probably guessed that already though huh? All my life I have felt lonley and I have done everything I could possibly do to fix myself. I have read countless books, I have went to therapy alone and with my husband and now I am trying this. I don't know how to make it go away, I think it is one of the reasons I feel so alone in my marriage. I don't want to misdiagnose the problem and blame my husband, get divorced and still have the same empty feeling. When I did speak to my therapist, she has suggested many times over that I go to Alanon and I have been hesitant I think because I hate feeling bad, I felt bad all through my childhood and I got into a bad relationship in my teens and I vowed then that I would be happy. I do have a great husband and great kids but this feeling is still around. I am so frustrated and I can't help wanting to fight it. I wanted to know if there is anyone else that feels this way or am I off course? Is it my present relationship that makes me feel alone (we have our problems, he is a recovering gambling addict, hasn't gambled in 5 years but does not attend meetings) or is it some stuff left back in the past? This is very painful to come face to face with and I just wundered (get it, wunderland, ha ha) if anyone else has come full circle with this or is still coping and if so, how? Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Hi, Alice,
You will find lots of good company here....in fact, I think there is a thread going on now that you might be interested in IN ACOA called Pandora's box.
Check it out, check us out...welcome!
live
You will find lots of good company here....in fact, I think there is a thread going on now that you might be interested in IN ACOA called Pandora's box.
Check it out, check us out...welcome!
live
a work in progress
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 54
Welcome ((((((((((((Alice))))))))))))))
You took a great step by coming to our board. I'd just like to say that I think your therapist gave you some good advise. Alanon is very helpful for adult children of alcoholics in helping us to understand how our childhood molded us and shaped us into the people we are today. Our thinking gets muddled early on and we carry this into our relationships, unconsciously gravitating towards people that we understand, ie - addicts of any sort. Thru Alanon and the 12 steps we start to understand our thinking and change it in a healthy way. We take our focus off the addicts in our life and concentrate on learning to love ourselves, not letting ourselves get hurt, setting healthy boundaries to stop that feeling of being walked on, learning we can say No and are entitled to say no to things that shouldn't be our burdens.
I understand the feeling of being alone, not letting people into my life, not wanting to even go out anywhere. It was so incredibly tiring to keep up a happy face so no one suspected how un-happy I really was. When I finally got up the courage to go to a meeting it was like a light had suddenly been turned on. Here were people that understood how I felt, had been in my shoes, had even livedthru some of the same things I had. They didn't judge, didn't talk behind my back and didn't try to preach to me. They genuinely cared about me and offered encouragement and support, as the did for all in the group, to work on myself and retrain myself into healthy thinking and healthy acting.
You'll meet a lot of great people here who I'm sure will be on the way soon to welcome you and offer their support. Welcome again to our board, you're definately in the right spot
Hugs and best wishes,
Mysty
You took a great step by coming to our board. I'd just like to say that I think your therapist gave you some good advise. Alanon is very helpful for adult children of alcoholics in helping us to understand how our childhood molded us and shaped us into the people we are today. Our thinking gets muddled early on and we carry this into our relationships, unconsciously gravitating towards people that we understand, ie - addicts of any sort. Thru Alanon and the 12 steps we start to understand our thinking and change it in a healthy way. We take our focus off the addicts in our life and concentrate on learning to love ourselves, not letting ourselves get hurt, setting healthy boundaries to stop that feeling of being walked on, learning we can say No and are entitled to say no to things that shouldn't be our burdens.
I understand the feeling of being alone, not letting people into my life, not wanting to even go out anywhere. It was so incredibly tiring to keep up a happy face so no one suspected how un-happy I really was. When I finally got up the courage to go to a meeting it was like a light had suddenly been turned on. Here were people that understood how I felt, had been in my shoes, had even livedthru some of the same things I had. They didn't judge, didn't talk behind my back and didn't try to preach to me. They genuinely cared about me and offered encouragement and support, as the did for all in the group, to work on myself and retrain myself into healthy thinking and healthy acting.
You'll meet a lot of great people here who I'm sure will be on the way soon to welcome you and offer their support. Welcome again to our board, you're definately in the right spot
Hugs and best wishes,
Mysty
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Alice and welcome!
No, you're not the only one. You'll find a lot of us here are very similar to you. We've been through a lot of the same stuff you have and we understand.
I can totally relate to the feelings of being alone. I've felt alone all my life, in relationships and friendships. It didn't matter who I was with or where I was - those feelings never went away.
My dad is a recovering alcholic who doesn't attend meetings and my husband is a recovering addict who also doesn't attend meetings, so I understand the uncertainty that comes from wondering if they will be able to stay in recovery.
What helped my emotional well-being was to finally start facing my issues and my childhood, learn what makes me tick and why. It is very painful to deal with the past, but it gets to the point where it is much more painful to continue being so unhappy.
It takes a while to get to the root of our issues. I've read a lot of books, I've been in therapy for two years, and over the past year I've focused a lot on my codependency. It probably took a good year of therapy before I even started attacking some real issues - I think I had trust issues with my therapist!
. Anyway, changes don't happen overnight - it took us our whole lives to get this way. And don't give up b/c it does get better. Like everything else, just take it one day at a time.
Come on over to the ACOA forum - we'd love to have you!
Hugs,
JG
No, you're not the only one. You'll find a lot of us here are very similar to you. We've been through a lot of the same stuff you have and we understand.
I can totally relate to the feelings of being alone. I've felt alone all my life, in relationships and friendships. It didn't matter who I was with or where I was - those feelings never went away.
My dad is a recovering alcholic who doesn't attend meetings and my husband is a recovering addict who also doesn't attend meetings, so I understand the uncertainty that comes from wondering if they will be able to stay in recovery.
What helped my emotional well-being was to finally start facing my issues and my childhood, learn what makes me tick and why. It is very painful to deal with the past, but it gets to the point where it is much more painful to continue being so unhappy.
It takes a while to get to the root of our issues. I've read a lot of books, I've been in therapy for two years, and over the past year I've focused a lot on my codependency. It probably took a good year of therapy before I even started attacking some real issues - I think I had trust issues with my therapist!
. Anyway, changes don't happen overnight - it took us our whole lives to get this way. And don't give up b/c it does get better. Like everything else, just take it one day at a time.Come on over to the ACOA forum - we'd love to have you!
Hugs,
JG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: nevada
Posts: 22
Thank You!!! I really appreciate the support and I have to say that it was not expected. I have only posted once before on another site and I got some negative feedback and some positive. You all make me feel like I was right in choosing to post here. I love the quotes! I am going to start attending some meetings with my brother (he is going through struggles with his own addiction). This site is great though because I can come here whenever I need to. I have two children and I just want to get myself as well as I possibly can so I can be there for them the way a parent should. You will probably here from me again, venting. I guess that is sort of therapy in its own way. I cannot tell you how good it is to talk to some of you that seem to be going through or went through what I am feeling right now. I makes me feel as if I am not so alone after all. The past is a very scary thing, you get through it once and never want to go back, I know it is a necessary evil but I will have to get started. Baby steps.
While I have your eyes I guess I am going to make the most of it and ask another question. Did any of you come from a medium to big size family and still feel absolutely no connection with anyone? There were 4 kids and my parents and the only one I felt any connection with was my brother. It was like we all coexhisted and didn't really bond at all.
Thanks again for the support and warm welcome, if any of you need to talk, I am here as well.
Sincerely,
Alice
While I have your eyes I guess I am going to make the most of it and ask another question. Did any of you come from a medium to big size family and still feel absolutely no connection with anyone? There were 4 kids and my parents and the only one I felt any connection with was my brother. It was like we all coexhisted and didn't really bond at all.
Thanks again for the support and warm welcome, if any of you need to talk, I am here as well.
Sincerely,
Alice
a work in progress
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 54
Hi Alice, I'm glad you feel like you're fitting in here. I was nervous too about posting for the first time, but I found out everyone here was absolutely fantastic.
I don't really feel a connection to my family either
I had an oddball upbringing. My mom is the second oldest of 10 kids and had me out of wedlock, so basically my early years I lived with her brothers and sisters with my alcoholic grandfather. My youngest uncle is 10 months older then me and when he was 2 and I was one my grandmother ran off with another man and left them all with their father(my grandfather). Mom had another daughter when I was 3 with another man, then when we were 5 and 2 she met my stepfather and they have 2 sons together. Before they were married I was unfortunate enough to over hear a conversation between them. Basically boiling down to he wanted her to put my sister and I up for adoption if she expected him to marry her. It didn't happen, of course, but he relented on condition that my mom not show favouritism towards us when they had kids of their own. My mom took this one step further and made sure that my 2 half brothers always got the best of everything.
My stepfather was a very abusive man, quite often taking out his anger on Mom, me or my sister. I left when I was 16, stayed in the area for a year, stayed in school and worked nights and a year later moved to Manitoba with my grandmother... where I met my ex the first weekend I was there.
Ironically, here I am, back full circle, no connection to my brothers who both still live at home ages 25 and 23. The youngest has never worked a day in his life. My sister lives in the area with her hubby and young daughter, she has nothing to do with anyone except with Mom by phone. After trying to put up with my stepfather for my Mom's sake I've found it more comfortable to keep in contact with her by phone as well. Do I feel like I don't fit anywhere? I used to, but I'm too busy making sure my kids don't end up feeling the way I did. If the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole... make a square hole for yourself, so instead of trying to fit myself into their disfunction I'm keeping myself sane and letting them figure out how to fit in with me.
Anyone else wanna share? LOL
Lots of Hugs,
Mysty
I don't really feel a connection to my family either
I had an oddball upbringing. My mom is the second oldest of 10 kids and had me out of wedlock, so basically my early years I lived with her brothers and sisters with my alcoholic grandfather. My youngest uncle is 10 months older then me and when he was 2 and I was one my grandmother ran off with another man and left them all with their father(my grandfather). Mom had another daughter when I was 3 with another man, then when we were 5 and 2 she met my stepfather and they have 2 sons together. Before they were married I was unfortunate enough to over hear a conversation between them. Basically boiling down to he wanted her to put my sister and I up for adoption if she expected him to marry her. It didn't happen, of course, but he relented on condition that my mom not show favouritism towards us when they had kids of their own. My mom took this one step further and made sure that my 2 half brothers always got the best of everything.My stepfather was a very abusive man, quite often taking out his anger on Mom, me or my sister. I left when I was 16, stayed in the area for a year, stayed in school and worked nights and a year later moved to Manitoba with my grandmother... where I met my ex the first weekend I was there.
Ironically, here I am, back full circle, no connection to my brothers who both still live at home ages 25 and 23. The youngest has never worked a day in his life. My sister lives in the area with her hubby and young daughter, she has nothing to do with anyone except with Mom by phone. After trying to put up with my stepfather for my Mom's sake I've found it more comfortable to keep in contact with her by phone as well. Do I feel like I don't fit anywhere? I used to, but I'm too busy making sure my kids don't end up feeling the way I did. If the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole... make a square hole for yourself, so instead of trying to fit myself into their disfunction I'm keeping myself sane and letting them figure out how to fit in with me.
Anyone else wanna share? LOL
Lots of Hugs,
Mysty
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hi Alice
WELCOME!! You in the right place. AlAnon meetings as well as CODA meetings ARE A MUST DO!and have a HP in your life. Seems to me that your inner child is hurting and until you deal with it it won't ever go away. Therapists are ok but THEY DO NOT HAVE all the answer to it. Selfhelp books are ok as well and I am proud of you that you are very determinded to help yourself KUDOS FOR YOU! Good Luck!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: nevada
Posts: 22
Thank you prettywoman,
Thanks for the pat on the back. I do have a HP and I fully agree with its importance in life. I just have to get a little closer to it. Thanks for taking the time.
Mysty,
Man, I thought I had it rough! I guess you can only relate to the sorrow that you as an individual feels and no sorrow is worse than any others because it is what is is but I have to say a BIG OH MY! I am sorry you had such a messed up childhood. It is so crazy, I am sure you have heard this before but you have to be graduated to get a job, you have to be 16 to drive a car, you have to be 21 to drink (ya like everyone waits until their 21 but still).......but ANYONE can have a child. I don't mean to do parent bashing but I feel for ya. It is crazy how we get out of one situation only to end up in the same one again by our own making.....I guess because chaos feels normal to us. Now I have to tell ya you have pulled and twisted my arm to share, if I really have to I will. LOL! Ya right! I have been dying to complain and get some of this frustration out!
Right now, my life is pretty good. I just have to deal with some demons. I will give ya a little(probably a book) history lesson in the life of alicewunderland. Ha! Ha!
I have three siblings, two brothers and one sister. My Mother is now a recovering alcoholic for 1 year and my brother is still struggling with his sobriety but I can tell he is honestly trying. My sister and I both married alcoholics. We like to keep it in the family (being sarcastic-ha, ha!). My oldest brother has some issues....I will explain later. My father is codependent and he is relentless at always telling you you are wrong. My life was no where near the struggle of some of you reading out there. My parents are still together and I didn't move around alot. We all get together for Christmas and holidays but I have to say we are not the Brady bunch and as some of us get help I have a feeling it isn't going to last. Okay, I will get on with it! Where to start? Growing up, I was the middle child, I played the invisible but all I wanted was some attention. I got average grades and stayed out of trouble for the most part. If I was in trouble I handled it and my parents never knew. I always feel as if I raised myself and I miss not having a MOM (poor me right, my Mom was right there) but she really wasn't. She busied herself with work and there was the drama of 3 other childrens lives. I was sexually abused by my oldest brother and right up to this day, they do not know. When I started facing this after I moved out I had asked both my youngest brother and sister if anything ever happened to them and they both said no. I have big intimacy issues in the bedroom because of this. I always thought of sex as an act, a meaningless one and I never had any romantic thoughts connected to it. I have grown some with that or I would not be able to write it but I still have alot of issues, that is why I am here to be able to face some of this. Getting a little heavy, huh? Sorry. Anyways, I used to be close to my sister until I realized she was extremely self centered and I was the only one giving in that relationship. I am now trying to reach out to my brother because he seems to be more open right now to it. I don't now why family is so important to me, I just want to have that link. I really want it with my Mom but she is emotionally evasive when it comes to real closeness. To get into the nitty gritty of it all would take a book and I am realizing this is turning into one! Thanks for letting me do a little self pittying. See what ya get when ya ask someone to share! LOL! Anyone else?
AliceWunderland
Thanks for the pat on the back. I do have a HP and I fully agree with its importance in life. I just have to get a little closer to it. Thanks for taking the time.
Mysty,
Man, I thought I had it rough! I guess you can only relate to the sorrow that you as an individual feels and no sorrow is worse than any others because it is what is is but I have to say a BIG OH MY! I am sorry you had such a messed up childhood. It is so crazy, I am sure you have heard this before but you have to be graduated to get a job, you have to be 16 to drive a car, you have to be 21 to drink (ya like everyone waits until their 21 but still).......but ANYONE can have a child. I don't mean to do parent bashing but I feel for ya. It is crazy how we get out of one situation only to end up in the same one again by our own making.....I guess because chaos feels normal to us. Now I have to tell ya you have pulled and twisted my arm to share, if I really have to I will. LOL! Ya right! I have been dying to complain and get some of this frustration out! Right now, my life is pretty good. I just have to deal with some demons. I will give ya a little(probably a book) history lesson in the life of alicewunderland. Ha! Ha!
I have three siblings, two brothers and one sister. My Mother is now a recovering alcoholic for 1 year and my brother is still struggling with his sobriety but I can tell he is honestly trying. My sister and I both married alcoholics. We like to keep it in the family (being sarcastic-ha, ha!). My oldest brother has some issues....I will explain later. My father is codependent and he is relentless at always telling you you are wrong. My life was no where near the struggle of some of you reading out there. My parents are still together and I didn't move around alot. We all get together for Christmas and holidays but I have to say we are not the Brady bunch and as some of us get help I have a feeling it isn't going to last. Okay, I will get on with it! Where to start? Growing up, I was the middle child, I played the invisible but all I wanted was some attention. I got average grades and stayed out of trouble for the most part. If I was in trouble I handled it and my parents never knew. I always feel as if I raised myself and I miss not having a MOM (poor me right, my Mom was right there) but she really wasn't. She busied herself with work and there was the drama of 3 other childrens lives. I was sexually abused by my oldest brother and right up to this day, they do not know. When I started facing this after I moved out I had asked both my youngest brother and sister if anything ever happened to them and they both said no. I have big intimacy issues in the bedroom because of this. I always thought of sex as an act, a meaningless one and I never had any romantic thoughts connected to it. I have grown some with that or I would not be able to write it but I still have alot of issues, that is why I am here to be able to face some of this. Getting a little heavy, huh? Sorry. Anyways, I used to be close to my sister until I realized she was extremely self centered and I was the only one giving in that relationship. I am now trying to reach out to my brother because he seems to be more open right now to it. I don't now why family is so important to me, I just want to have that link. I really want it with my Mom but she is emotionally evasive when it comes to real closeness. To get into the nitty gritty of it all would take a book and I am realizing this is turning into one! Thanks for letting me do a little self pittying. See what ya get when ya ask someone to share! LOL! Anyone else?
AliceWunderland
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: nevada
Posts: 22
Square peg
Mysty,
I also wanted to say that I really like how you put it. I am going to take your advice and see if everyone or anyone is willing to make room for me and if not I will keep trying to create one for myself. Thanks for that O' wise one.
This is a good day,
Alice
I also wanted to say that I really like how you put it. I am going to take your advice and see if everyone or anyone is willing to make room for me and if not I will keep trying to create one for myself. Thanks for that O' wise one.
This is a good day,
Alice
a work in progress
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 54
Hi Alice,
Thanks for sharing too, it definately helps us in the healing process to route out our demons from childhood. Some of them are awfully big, especially when we realize how young and vulnerable and unequipped to deal with it we were.
I wanted to tell you that I'm killing myself laughing at the "O wise one" comment. Was that me?? *looking over shoulder* wise @$$ maybe.... Gee... must have been my HP typing thru my hands Always cropping up at unexpected times.
That really made my day, I'm smiling from ear to ear... now I'm gonna go out and do my errands and let everyone wonder what my secret is
HUGS and laughter,
Mysty
Thanks for sharing too, it definately helps us in the healing process to route out our demons from childhood. Some of them are awfully big, especially when we realize how young and vulnerable and unequipped to deal with it we were.
I wanted to tell you that I'm killing myself laughing at the "O wise one" comment. Was that me?? *looking over shoulder* wise @$$ maybe.... Gee... must have been my HP typing thru my hands
Always cropping up at unexpected times. That really made my day, I'm smiling from ear to ear... now I'm gonna go out and do my errands and let everyone wonder what my secret is
HUGS and laughter,
Mysty
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