How do you get them into rehab?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: lone star
Posts: 9
How do you get them into rehab?
Here we go again........ Right now I am an emotional mess, ah drinking again and driving. something he said he would never do again. I have been calling everywhere trying to find out how to get him admitted against his will... I know he hates himself right now, but won't agree to go. Almost like he doesn't realize he was drinking. Does the booze do that much brain damage? I wish I would have known he was drinking and driving I would have called the police, he needs to be put away before he kills someone. I have taken the keys and hid them but I can not follow him around. I know there are no answers to all this but I just feel so overwhelmed. I want OUT!!!
Is there any advice on getting him help? Thanks for reading my rant.
Is there any advice on getting him help? Thanks for reading my rant.
Until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, nothing will change. You cannot force recovery, it just doesn't work that way.
If you want out, you know where the door is.
I am sorry you are going throught this, but, there is no magical cure, the alcoholic created the mess and the alcoholic is responsible to get themselves out of it.
All you can do is work on you, and let go.
If you want out, you know where the door is.
I am sorry you are going throught this, but, there is no magical cure, the alcoholic created the mess and the alcoholic is responsible to get themselves out of it.
All you can do is work on you, and let go.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Abby...I'm so sorry for your pain.
I'll have six months sober on June 10th. When I quit drinking, I had desperate, painful, heartfelt hopes that my exAbf would quit too. I think a large part of my desire for him to quit was that would someone validate me...prove he loved me. I kept trying...kept fighting the good fight ...all the while thinking all he had to do was "feel" my love...and he'd be cured (we drunks come to realize that it is the loathing of ourselves that causes all our problems). I figured I could love him enough to love himself.... ya, whatever. I could curl your toes with the horrors of his downward slide....
Eventually I came to realize that I was completely powerless.... it was his fight. I had to accept that love simply wasn't part of the equation (you have to be sober to truly understand love and commitment). It was controlling and egotistical of me to think I could "save" him.
Letting go is a painful process....but there is peace when you truly accept there is NOTHING you can do.
I'll have six months sober on June 10th. When I quit drinking, I had desperate, painful, heartfelt hopes that my exAbf would quit too. I think a large part of my desire for him to quit was that would someone validate me...prove he loved me. I kept trying...kept fighting the good fight ...all the while thinking all he had to do was "feel" my love...and he'd be cured (we drunks come to realize that it is the loathing of ourselves that causes all our problems). I figured I could love him enough to love himself.... ya, whatever. I could curl your toes with the horrors of his downward slide....
Eventually I came to realize that I was completely powerless.... it was his fight. I had to accept that love simply wasn't part of the equation (you have to be sober to truly understand love and commitment). It was controlling and egotistical of me to think I could "save" him.
Letting go is a painful process....but there is peace when you truly accept there is NOTHING you can do.
Hey Abby - Yeah, it is really, really sad. sigh. I totally know what you mean when you say "a waste of a very good person". I watched my sweet, strong husband turn into a lying, irrational, incoherent, fiend. I wonder, too, if he will ever be able to quit. I honestly do not know.
I left my AH after trying for a long time to get him help. He just kept drinking. He's still drinking. He lost his job too.
Like Dolly says, there's nothing we can do for them...they must want it for themselves. All we can do is take care of us, and if they sincerely want help, we can connect them with those resources.
hugs to you,
neg
I left my AH after trying for a long time to get him help. He just kept drinking. He's still drinking. He lost his job too.
Like Dolly says, there's nothing we can do for them...they must want it for themselves. All we can do is take care of us, and if they sincerely want help, we can connect them with those resources.
hugs to you,
neg
Take it from someone who just went through what you are and DID call the police--IT DOESN'T HELP. It just made my situation WORSE. Now instead of him seeking help he is merely playing the "blame game" and telling me every single day how much $$ this 4th DUI is costing him. He takes NO resposibility for his actions. (He was remorseful the first 2 days after he was arrested but the attitude started to come back around day 3.) I told him today that I couldnt' take it anymore and we were done (again--for the millioneth time). He goes to jail on the 15th to serve his court ordered 45 days in jail followed by 45 days in rehab. I was hopeful the rehab would work but since he can't accept responsibility for what he did and prefers to blame me for calling the police I don't think he's ready to stop yet. Calling the police did NOTHING except give me peace of mind for ONE night that he wasn't going to hurt anybody or himself. But I can almost guarantee there will be more. He hasn't learned anything from it.
Letting go is so hard, Abby, but sometimes it's the only way. Sometimes they have to hit bottom.
I know for me I tried anything and everything to ensure AH didn't drive drunk. I almost got myself run over once, I lost an entire set of truck keys, and I was an emotional wreck trying to control him.
Then I came here and found out I wasn't responsible for him. I didn't have to control him or any situation and if I wanted out...I knew the way!
Good Luck!
I know for me I tried anything and everything to ensure AH didn't drive drunk. I almost got myself run over once, I lost an entire set of truck keys, and I was an emotional wreck trying to control him.
Then I came here and found out I wasn't responsible for him. I didn't have to control him or any situation and if I wanted out...I knew the way!
Good Luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: lone star
Posts: 9
You are all great for replying......... I feel like I keeping doing the same song and dance routine and family and friends are getting tired of supporting me, I know I want to file for a divorce but am unsure of how to go about it when I know he will not agree.... he is sinking and dragging me down too..I refuse to go down.. he hates that he is hurting me , but I guess not enough to do something about it. I do not want to be tied to him at all when he gets in an accident........don't want to feel responsible and guilty for some innocent person. Don't want to lose my life savings... man now I am just rambling. sorry it's been a long couple days. Bless you all for giving me a shoulder.
ritabee
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Back in the fall my (then) ABF was drinking and driving every night. Even though the bar was only a few blocks away he couldn't be bothered walking. He had (I later found out) 8 previous DUI's in 3 Canadian provinces over 32 years. If I were the police I would have done ANYTHING to get this guy off the roads.
One night after seeing his car at the local strip club (for about the 20th time in 3 weeks) I snapped and drove directly to the police station. I gave them all the information: his name, age, birthdate, vehicle description, plate # etc. The officer at the desk ran a check on him. There sat his entire record on the computer. I even told the officer where he was, and that he was parked beside the dumpster (thought that was somehow appropriate!) I told the officer where he lived and what his route would be and what time he would be staggering in. The next morning I woke up and there was his car in our lot. My heart sank because I realized they either didn't have the time, resources, or the inclination to catch him.
The next night there was a drug raid at that same bar. Ex-ABF was there but was drunk enough to be too paranoid to drive home so he left his car there. He was too paranoid to even walk home so he took a cab. Darn! I was one night too early in reporting him.
Fast forward to December where he spent most of the month in rehab. Dec 30 he drove to a city an hour away, drinking all the way. Stopped at a strip bar (guess what's on his mind when he drinks?) and drove some more. Finally he got in a small fender-bender and left the scene. That was all they needed to go after him and the end result is a 90 day sentence...the judge was having a "good day" because he should have got a year...and he lost his license for 3 years. Am I bad for wishing they had given him the year?
I like to think that there was a higher power at work here and maybe if things had happened on MY schedule he wouldn't have been able to go to rehab. Yes, he's back drinking today but I think he still retains much of what he learned there. Things happen in their own time for a reason but I don't regret going to the police. It eased my mind anyways. The ball was in their court and I had done everything I could to protect the public.
One night after seeing his car at the local strip club (for about the 20th time in 3 weeks) I snapped and drove directly to the police station. I gave them all the information: his name, age, birthdate, vehicle description, plate # etc. The officer at the desk ran a check on him. There sat his entire record on the computer. I even told the officer where he was, and that he was parked beside the dumpster (thought that was somehow appropriate!) I told the officer where he lived and what his route would be and what time he would be staggering in. The next morning I woke up and there was his car in our lot. My heart sank because I realized they either didn't have the time, resources, or the inclination to catch him.
The next night there was a drug raid at that same bar. Ex-ABF was there but was drunk enough to be too paranoid to drive home so he left his car there. He was too paranoid to even walk home so he took a cab. Darn! I was one night too early in reporting him.
Fast forward to December where he spent most of the month in rehab. Dec 30 he drove to a city an hour away, drinking all the way. Stopped at a strip bar (guess what's on his mind when he drinks?) and drove some more. Finally he got in a small fender-bender and left the scene. That was all they needed to go after him and the end result is a 90 day sentence...the judge was having a "good day" because he should have got a year...and he lost his license for 3 years. Am I bad for wishing they had given him the year?
I like to think that there was a higher power at work here and maybe if things had happened on MY schedule he wouldn't have been able to go to rehab. Yes, he's back drinking today but I think he still retains much of what he learned there. Things happen in their own time for a reason but I don't regret going to the police. It eased my mind anyways. The ball was in their court and I had done everything I could to protect the public.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Take it from someone who just went through what you are and DID call the police--IT DOESN'T HELP. It just made my situation WORSE. Now instead of him seeking help he is merely playing the "blame game" and telling me every single day how much $$ this 4th DUI is costing him. He takes NO resposibility for his actions. (He was remorseful the first 2 days after he was arrested but the attitude started to come back around day 3.) I told him today that I couldnt' take it anymore and we were done (again--for the millioneth time). He goes to jail on the 15th to serve his court ordered 45 days in jail followed by 45 days in rehab. I was hopeful the rehab would work but since he can't accept responsibility for what he did and prefers to blame me for calling the police I don't think he's ready to stop yet. Calling the police did NOTHING except give me peace of mind for ONE night that he wasn't going to hurt anybody or himself. But I can almost guarantee there will be more. He hasn't learned anything from it.
Whatever he or you may be going through as a result of another DUI is a pittance compared to someone seeing their loved one (child, mother, father, husband,son) maimed or killed had you not done what you did, not to mention you possibly mourning him.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 54
If you love the guy, check on getting him into rehab, if your really afraid he's going to hurt someone when he's drinking and driving call the police and tell them what's going on and have them watch for him, it's better to have him locked up and without a license than to kill someone or himself.
abby - i know how exhausting and painful this is....i am sorry you are going through it. keep coming here and reading and posting...when you are ready you will find the strength to do what is right for you. my new friends here have saved me in more ways than they will ever know....
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