Bjen

What the hell? I must put out vibes. Addicts love me!!!
The must smell codie on me - I'll have to switch soap.

I ran into a guy at the hardware store a few weeks ago. He talked like we were old friends. So, I thought I'd play it cool and figure out who he was by going along with it. He knew where I lived, that I like to ride Harley and described my A as having a dark complexion. He had asked if I was still with him, I told him no and gave him my number. I did that because I thought he would call, I would ignore it, he would leave me a message with his name. He did, the name was not familiar. I described him to all my friends with no avail.

He calls again, I ignore it but figure out his last name. It sounds familiar. I called him back and told him I couldn't remember him and asked how I knew him. He said he drives a gold explorer and his sister lives by me and he waves at me all the time. He said my dog ran into her yard about 4 years ago and he said Hi to me, said that he came by once to see what I wanted for a washer and dryer that was in my driveway and my A answered the door. OK, Now I know who he is.

He asked if he could call sometime and we could go out for a drink. I said OK.

In the meantime, I asked my best friend who he is. She says, OMG - you know him, he was always at the bar and he annoyed you. She says that he works construction, knows her sister and a few of your mutual friends. Her sister says he has 3 kids and is an alcoholic and has a gambling problem. Best friends says, go out for a drink if you want but don't think you need another addict in your life.

See? They smell me, they stick to me like a magnet. I did nothing to attract him, knew nothing about him but here he is. What the hell?

Sorry for the rambing nonesense, tried to keep a long story short. What are your thoughts, any of you have this problem? How do we get that smell off?

parentrecovers

i'd take a pass on this guy

denny57

I'd think about turning it around and look at myself for accepting the invite. Why do I keep saying yes to guys like this?

MsPINKAcres

I feel ya Bjen!!

Put me in a room with 100 people & only have 1 as an A - guess who will be the first one that I'll talk to???

As a general rule, if I feel drawn to them - RUN in the opposite direction.

I like that "must be the soap" - lol - no more codie soap for me!!!!

Be careful & take care of you!!

Rita

appleblaster

Aw Bjen....what you say is not totally off the mark actually.

I've read before that alcoholics/addicts/sociopaths have a "radar" and by that I mean that they can spot a good source of supply. I do not mean alcohol or drug supply but someone to squeeze the life out of in the various ways that addicts/alcoholics do.

This is why they jump from relationship to relationship (sort of like we do)....because they need a fresh supply and they recycle suppiers when they can. They dry up the current supply then go through the old ones to see if they can tap into anything left or take the more difficult road and find a new one.

We as codies display just the things they are looking for.....both the good and the bad. We fit together like puzzle pieces which is why the very beginning of a relationship between a codie and addict/alcoholic/sociopath is so intense, wonderful and swift. This is also why we find ourselves spent, longing for them to be the ppl they were when we met them. That's only a mask, a farce, a tool to gain new supply.

You are probably a very nice person, very capable, intelligent, outgoing, etc but as a codie you probably also have low self-worth, damaged self-esteem and a high capacity for crap. I mean no insult by saying that....it is a blanket example.

Once in a relationship the addict/alcoholic and the codie's puzzle pieces don't fit together quite so nicely and the problems begin to take root. Its a terrible cycle i'm afraid but that's what we're here for......to learn to break it.

Sorta rambled here but hopefully I made some sense. It helped me to write it as my exabf contacted me yesterday after 6 months....amazing that he and his girlfriend (which was an ex girlfriend) broke up again.

Predictable.....
much love to you

chero

Well, Bjen, the thing with magnets is they not only have the ability to attract other magnets but the ability to repel. When magnets are placed near each other, opposite poles attract, i.e. codie/addict!
Okay, that's my lesson for the day!


You know, it's okay to cancel on a date!

minnie

What was the reason for you giving out your number to someone you didn't recognise, nor were prepared to ask who he was?

Unhealthy people are trained to look for the subtle signs. I have learned to keep mine to a minimum and be obvious when I want to be.

fungirl77

Minnie,

That is so interesting! I have never actually thought about the subtle signs unhealthy people see in others. That really is something to think about! After way too many years with a D and A user, attracting someone else like that, without even realizing it, is the last thing I need! Yikes!

Bjen

OK I kind of told my story backwards. I accepted to go out for a drink before I heard more about him from my friend. I thought he was just that neighborly guy that waved at me all the time and visited up the street all these years.

I gave him my number because he talked like we were old friends and I thought if he called and left a message I would suddenly remember who he was when I heard his name. I didn't ask him there because it was my turn to check out and I was distracted. (I am blonde) I got scolded about that already but he knew so much about me. I went through a drinking streak a year and a half ago or so and figured I meant him with our friends one night and forgot about him. It intriqued me. He was very nice too and knew my name and where I lived and that I liked to ride motorcycles and seemed to know my best friend when I mentioned her.

But to find out we really have had no contact other than the two incidents I mentioned about him saying hi to me when I was running after me dog and him coming over to ask about a washer and dryer, I didn't think that would be enough to show that I am a codie.

Funny. If he does call I'll be nice but be loud and clear about what I don't want and that is a boyfriend. He did tell me in the store though that he has a small son now and hasn't gone out much in the last 3 years since having him. The people he associates with that I found out knew him are very decent people. Not that I am willing to take a chance in getting involved with him but he may be a good guy that just took a while to grow up. He might end up being a good friend to have.

Or......... I'll chicken out and not answer the phone. I'm such a dork

aztchr

I always remember I have a right to change my mind and really don't have to explain myself. For instance, if he calls and you don't want to go out, it's ok to say you've changed your mind or have given it a second thought and aren't really up to it.

Gemangel

I can relate to this so much...
I am attracted to addicts/alcoholics and they are attracted to me..

it is SO frustrating, I'll like a guy so much and we will get along and it turns out he has a drug or alcohol problem, it is EVERY guy that I have ever liked! I have become smarter in knowing that when I have a strong attraction to someone I have learned to keep my distance because I can't always trust my attractions.. they have got me into some bad situations and these are situations I would like to stop repeating over and over again..

just now i am talking to an old friend of mine from school.. and i see all the signs of drug use, its funny how he came back into my life and we are attracted to eachother now after so long... it's tough because i really liked him alot.. but after finding out he has had a problem with alcohol and from what i can tell he has moved on to drugs and gambling.. I have only been talking to him for a month and as hard as it is, I wish that i could believe that he is going to be a great friend or a possible boyfriend I know that i must cut ties with him for that I have had co-dependecy problems that I am still trying to overcome and being with this person will not allow me to do that.

SaTiT

You all have one of those radar too..
I swear if there was a room full of women...I 'd pick an alki out of the crowd.
There's that special chemistry or connection...of course she dosn't look
like a bag lady...it the way she talks, the way she carries herself.
of course she's on best behaviors at first..lol

I think that's why we're codis....lol
As i understand it. from what i've read.
it didn't makesense at first..but when my ass fell off, those pages
started making sense to me.As painful as it was..I didn't totally trip out.
We're attracted to people like that because those people will bring us
pain which might seem weird..but it happens becuase we chose to do it
on a sub-conciouse level so the current pain force us deeper to
look within ourselves from our deeper pain or our actaul problem.
kind of like healing from ptsd. The process takes longer in a codi/alki
relationship of whats on the surface.

My esh, I'm well today becuase when my gf went on her run..it was
a total nightmare, but as i hit my emotional bottom alot of burried
pain from my childhood came up and bit me in the arss. i was forced
to look at them and process them. but having done so..my perceptions
of life changed or i'm not as sick as i use to be.

For the most part i don't struggle with my gf even more. i don't
have to work on letting go as hard, it comes more naturally ,now.
I don't have that funkie wierd feeling anymore. it's really hard to
try to describe it.. becuase it's new to me...I feel well.

newenglandgirl

Me too...I can relate!

At least I've become aware of it (relatively recently). It's a start.

I now know that when I find myself drawn/attracted to someone, that they are most likely addicted/unhealthy in some way. Wonderful, huh?

I don't know how I ended up like this!

There is no alcoholism/addiction in my family. But there is other problems. I don't know.

fluffyflea

I wouldn't stand there and talk to someone I didn't know and then give him my number.


Earthworm

fluffyflea

It's not really the point about being co-dependent, it's the point about being safe.

Earthworm

Bjen

Earthworm, how do you walk away from. "Hi Bjen! How have you been? I haven't seen you in a while. Do you still live in the same place?" " I live down the street from you" "Are you still dating that guy with the dark complexion?" "Do you still go out much, I don't anymore" "have you been out riding lately". And I didn't think fast enough to ask any of my own questions, as I said, I was checking out and not really focused.

I thought for sure he was a friend I had forgot and he didn't seem wierd at all. And I live in a small place and the beauty of that is that someone always knows someone. It took me very little detective work to get the scoop on him. I am quite friendly. If I had any feeling that he was bad I wouldn't have done it. Hell, he knew where I lived anyway I was kind of glad to figure out why I knew him. Also knowing that he has some of the same friends as I do I feel better sleeping at night.

I am safe though. I dont do that as common practice believe me. I am rather cold to new people most of the time. His demeanor was so comfortable though, hard to describe other than like he was an old friend I had forgotten. And he was cute. Wierd. And, a phone number is a phone number, he could have found it on the book by looking up my address if he wanted to.

Thanks for the tips though. I won't be that honest with my phone number anymore
I'm usually not anyway but I wanted to know his name!! Silly me.

Thanks all!! I love you guys.

Live

I am horrible at remembering people, I can see myself doing the same thing. I can see how it would throw you. Can't tell you how many times I have had a conversation with someone and then had to whisper in hubby's ear WHO WAS THAT?

I don't answer calls from numbers I don't know.

steve11694

I took a trip to south america to get away from my aw and thoughts of her. one day at the restaurant next to my hotel i was having an espresso and a woman starts talking to me. no big deal as people are quite friendly and it is part of the culture. she is drinking beer and tries to persuade me to change from coffee to anything with alcohol. it is around noon. i say no thank you. she starts accusing me of being an alcoholic in denial for refusing to drink with her. more BS from her pursues. "drink because i want to know who you are" i put up with all kinds of manipulations and finally ask her if she'd ever been to AA/ she says yes but the people there don't understand her. finally after all efforts to keep her calm and simply continue to have a coffee fail, i leave and enter my hotel next door where i sit in their lobby. low and behold the lady follows me into the hotel, starts to be belligerent and get forcibly ejected. All in spanish no less.

Talk about magnets!

minnie

If you wanted to know who he was, why didn't you just ask him? That's what I mean by subtle signs - you got into a big convoluted game to find out who he was, rather than just be direct. At best, you showed some naivety, which I think may just be manna from heaven for someone looking for an enabler. I believe that unhealthy people set subconcious tests for others. They don't necessarily know they are doing it, but there is a sniffing out of boundaries and how flexible they are.

Through recovery, I have learned some tangential things. One is to be more specific in my use of language - friends are people that I would always recognise. Aquaintances, I may not. And I treat both in different ways. And secondly, people are not always how they portray themselves - someone who knew that much about me without me knowing who they were, would certainly warrant a few questions from me before I volunteered my phone number. Otherwise, I am making myself available when I do not have all the facts to decide whether I want to be.

Some would call me cynical or suspicious. I call it looking out for myself.

kglast

I can relate too - seem to always be attracted to this type - will have to work hard to change that........