obligation??
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
obligation??
I remembered today that AH starts counselling tomorrow. It kind of scared me a little bit because I thought what if he actually does it this time--gets help, goes into recovery, etc. What then?
Honestly, (i feel like the worst person ever for saying this), but it wouldn't make me happy. Oh, I'd be glad he was okay but I don't feel like he'll ever know what all he put me through. You guys know--it was hell on earth.
When I think of all the things I gave up for him. Children, for instance. I gave up children so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain of his addiction. I wonder if I did the right thing in a lot of areas. I guess it doesn't really matter. And I know I can't blame him or his drinking on decisions I made.
I just keep thinking if he does get help and if he does do all the things I said he would have to do before I'd go back to him then am I obligated to return to the marriage?
I know I'm jumping the gun...I mean he hasn't even been sober for a week.
Honestly, (i feel like the worst person ever for saying this), but it wouldn't make me happy. Oh, I'd be glad he was okay but I don't feel like he'll ever know what all he put me through. You guys know--it was hell on earth.
When I think of all the things I gave up for him. Children, for instance. I gave up children so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain of his addiction. I wonder if I did the right thing in a lot of areas. I guess it doesn't really matter. And I know I can't blame him or his drinking on decisions I made.
I just keep thinking if he does get help and if he does do all the things I said he would have to do before I'd go back to him then am I obligated to return to the marriage?
I know I'm jumping the gun...I mean he hasn't even been sober for a week.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Oh chero, I am right there with you, including the feelings about having children. I often catch myself letting out a little sigh of relief when I hear from my MIL that my AH is completely out-of-control w/ his drinking. He just entered detox AGAIN last night and actually has a bed to be transferred right into inpatient treatment (finally). When he's still drinking, it's easy and perfectly acceptable, that I stick with being seperated and pursuing divorce. But if he actually gets sober, just like you said, then what?!? Discard my progress so far in detaching, go back to a life of "what if's", etc.
I am unhappy in this marriage. Period. The damage has been done. I don't think I even want to forgive him anymore in a way necessary to continue with this marriage. I truly believe that the best he can hope for is my friendship and he may even be pushing his luck there. He's needs "his" time to recover and I need "my" time to recover and become a normal person again - I know she's in there somewhere!
(((HUGS)))
I am unhappy in this marriage. Period. The damage has been done. I don't think I even want to forgive him anymore in a way necessary to continue with this marriage. I truly believe that the best he can hope for is my friendship and he may even be pushing his luck there. He's needs "his" time to recover and I need "my" time to recover and become a normal person again - I know she's in there somewhere!
(((HUGS)))
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Jumping, try LEAPING...
If he does do well then that's great.
But as odds are, what's his track record?
After a YEAR of being sober, that's right a YEAR, then look in on him.
Truth be told you will see more about yourself in the next 6 months and I'm sure you will learn that you want something very different.
Relax... nothing has changed with him, but you have and that's the great thing.
If he does do well then that's great.
But as odds are, what's his track record?
After a YEAR of being sober, that's right a YEAR, then look in on him.
Truth be told you will see more about yourself in the next 6 months and I'm sure you will learn that you want something very different.
Relax... nothing has changed with him, but you have and that's the great thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
chero, IF he does get help and stays sober, he might be a completely different person than the man you married. 12 years is a long time... you've both changed (you for the better 
) and i think it's impossible to think about reconciling until you meet the man he is after he's sober for awhile. you could hate the guy!
do you really think there's a chance of him getting sober in the near future? we all get tired of waiting after awhile, and there's nothing wrong with you moving on and thinking you deserve better. when the time comes, you can decide (or if the time comes!)
) and i think it's impossible to think about reconciling until you meet the man he is after he's sober for awhile. you could hate the guy!do you really think there's a chance of him getting sober in the near future? we all get tired of waiting after awhile, and there's nothing wrong with you moving on and thinking you deserve better. when the time comes, you can decide (or if the time comes!)
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I guess that would depend on what type of contract you believe you entered into with your HP and your husband when you agreed to marry him. Do you feel obligated to return to the marriage either through your religious convinctions or through your own core beliefs?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
you are stong... keep the faith!
and please don't ever think that you are obligated to do anything, you are and have changed into a newer, stonger person no matter if and when he ever changes... keep focusing on you and what you want!
and please don't ever think that you are obligated to do anything, you are and have changed into a newer, stonger person no matter if and when he ever changes... keep focusing on you and what you want!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
((((Chero)))))
I love when the A's chime in Thank you GLASS!
Honey you are obligated to yourself right now and moving forward with your recovery. Whatever the reason maybe that you feel the way that you do in time after he has been in recovery for at least a year and then yes you may want to see how he has progressed. And as InThisForMe stated and I have had seen others post, you may not even want to be with that man. It is your choice to do what is right for you and right now keep plugging forward you are doing great!
((((HUGS)))))
I love when the A's chime in Thank you GLASS!
Honey you are obligated to yourself right now and moving forward with your recovery. Whatever the reason maybe that you feel the way that you do in time after he has been in recovery for at least a year and then yes you may want to see how he has progressed. And as InThisForMe stated and I have had seen others post, you may not even want to be with that man. It is your choice to do what is right for you and right now keep plugging forward you are doing great!
((((HUGS)))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Chero
I can remember feeling the same way. Once we make a decision to move on and we start preparing for a brand new life.... they promise to change and start making improvements ... and we get pulled back in and feel like our lives are on hold waiting to see if they really can change enough to make the relationship worthwhile again. All you can do is keep going in the positive direction you have been, knowing if in the future he has changed enough ... it is your option to reconsider, but only if you chose to.
I can remember feeling the same way. Once we make a decision to move on and we start preparing for a brand new life.... they promise to change and start making improvements ... and we get pulled back in and feel like our lives are on hold waiting to see if they really can change enough to make the relationship worthwhile again. All you can do is keep going in the positive direction you have been, knowing if in the future he has changed enough ... it is your option to reconsider, but only if you chose to.
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
I guess that would depend on what type of contract you believe you entered into with your HP and your husband when you agreed to marry him. Do you feel obligated to return to the marriage either through your religious convinctions or through your own core beliefs?
A wise friend here sent me a pm and asked me what I would say if someone other than myself had started this thread. Here's what I said:
I'd say how sorry I was for all they felt obligated to give up and all the time they lost and how this was their chance to start over. Don't wait on him. Go now!
Vows?? What vows did he keep? He didn't love, honor and cherish me while he was doing all these unspeakable things to me.
What kind of vows would obligate me to stay with a man who hit me and abused me and robbed me of my sanity and a chance for happiness?
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner
If it helps, it aint easy for the A either. Houses, cars, jobs, wifes. And some of us, our life. Believe it or not, we're not having fun in our cups. At least I wasn't.
I've had so many feelings over reading this--anger, sadness, confusion, who-gives-a-crap(is that an emotion??).
I'm really confused by what you said because I think why should I care if he was having fun or not?
Help me understand this!?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Just trying to say the A suffers too. Not that that is any comfort to you. And, we (As) do have feelings of guilt, remorse, and loss if and when we reach recovery. We know what we put you through. Again, that doesn't take away any of the feelings you're experiencing right now.
Besides admitting to my part, this is how I was able to let the resentments I had for my ex-wife go:
Besides admitting to my part, this is how I was able to let the resentments I had for my ex-wife go:
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No, you are obligated to do the best thing for yourself. To Thine Own Self Be True.
Earthworm
Earthworm
Originally Posted by chero
I remembered today that AH starts counselling tomorrow. It kind of scared me a little bit because I thought what if he actually does it this time--gets help, goes into recovery, etc. What then?
Honestly, (i feel like the worst person ever for saying this), but it wouldn't make me happy. Oh, I'd be glad he was okay but I don't feel like he'll ever know what all he put me through. You guys know--it was hell on earth.
When I think of all the things I gave up for him. Children, for instance. I gave up children so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain of his addiction. I wonder if I did the right thing in a lot of areas. I guess it doesn't really matter. And I know I can't blame him or his drinking on decisions I made.
I just keep thinking if he does get help and if he does do all the things I said he would have to do before I'd go back to him then am I obligated to return to the marriage?
I know I'm jumping the gun...I mean he hasn't even been sober for a week.
Honestly, (i feel like the worst person ever for saying this), but it wouldn't make me happy. Oh, I'd be glad he was okay but I don't feel like he'll ever know what all he put me through. You guys know--it was hell on earth.
When I think of all the things I gave up for him. Children, for instance. I gave up children so they wouldn't have to suffer the pain of his addiction. I wonder if I did the right thing in a lot of areas. I guess it doesn't really matter. And I know I can't blame him or his drinking on decisions I made.
I just keep thinking if he does get help and if he does do all the things I said he would have to do before I'd go back to him then am I obligated to return to the marriage?
I know I'm jumping the gun...I mean he hasn't even been sober for a week.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
A marriage is a bilateral contract. If it is unilaterally broken it becomes null and void in the world of law.
That's not what I really wanted to say....be open to incoming and developing developments, we learn and change constantly. I don't think this is a decision you need to make now.
just my 2 cents
That's not what I really wanted to say....be open to incoming and developing developments, we learn and change constantly. I don't think this is a decision you need to make now.
just my 2 cents
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I understand how this may not be an issue right now but maybe it is, too. I don't want to suddenly be trying to figure out what I want when and if he gets better.
And maybe it's just that I never expected to feel this way.
I've actually said to him (in the past), "I would put up with anything from you to never have to deal with alcohol again."
Turns out that isn't true. I won't put up with anything. I deserve better than that.
I see what you are saying, GP. If you would have asked me yesterday if I had compassion towards him I'd have said, "Of course!"
But maybe I don't. I'm so not in a place right now to be able to see or care that he is a sick man. That can't be good!
You said when A's reach recovery they experience feelings of remorse, guilt and loss and they know what they put us through.
With all due respect, GP, but seriously?? How can someone who doesn't even remember the things he has done to me have a clue what he put me through?
Maybe I should have titled this thread...Turns Out I'm Angry!
And maybe it's just that I never expected to feel this way.
I've actually said to him (in the past), "I would put up with anything from you to never have to deal with alcohol again."
Turns out that isn't true. I won't put up with anything. I deserve better than that.
Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner
Besides admitting to my part, this is how I was able to let the resentments I had for my ex-wife go:
Quote:
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
Quote:
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
But maybe I don't. I'm so not in a place right now to be able to see or care that he is a sick man. That can't be good!
You said when A's reach recovery they experience feelings of remorse, guilt and loss and they know what they put us through.
With all due respect, GP, but seriously?? How can someone who doesn't even remember the things he has done to me have a clue what he put me through?
Maybe I should have titled this thread...Turns Out I'm Angry!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Not Sure Yet
Posts: 27
I dont have any words of wisdom, But I admire you for the progression you have made. I dont think these feelings ever go away. Just need to work thru them. I gain a wealth of knowledge from you all. Thanks!
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