A horrible evening-still feeling awful
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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A horrible evening-still feeling awful
So-5pm came around yesterday and I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when there's a knock on my door. I had had a bloody awful day-craving a drink for most of it-and fighting the desire to just go up the road and buy some wine (the liquor store is 5 minutes drive from my house) I felt so tired and just weak.
I answer the door and it's my ex next door neighbour.She divorced her husband a year ago and moved out.We used to get on really well and I hadn't seen her in months.
She walks in and says-'I know this is the time you usually cook dinner-just thought I'd sit here and catch up with you and LOOK!I brought a bottle of your favorite bubbly!'
She proceeds to open the kitchen drawer where the bottle opener is (we used to get together a lot-she knows my kitchen well) and I am standing there speechless.
I then say in my cheeriest (fake) voice-'Marie-I'm off the alcohol for now-I'm taking a break because I've had some kidney problems lately and the doctor said to not drink for a while'(I don't know where that lie came from-but hell-I needed one)
She goes-'Oh-well that just sucks-surely one won't hurt?'I'm thinking to myself-'oh-if only.....'She then says-'Well-you won't mind if I have a few will you?' and I can't tell her I do mind.I mind terribly.So I wimpily say-'Sure-go ahead.'
For the next hour she chats away happily-and I don't hear a word.All I can do is watch her drink and think about how much I want to.How I just HATE what I am and how angry I am that I can't do something as simple as share a few drinks with a good friend.I just wanted to scream and then I wanted to cry.
In the end I rushed her out of there (politely) probably earlier than she wanted to leave-because I just couldn't stand it.I just couldn't.
Once she left I just went into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out.I kept trying to comfort myself with the fact that I should be proud I didn't give in and drink too-but you know what?I don't feel a single positive emotion about any of it.I just HATE what I've become.I HATE that now my life is so limited because I can't drink.
And I wonder if I'll always feel like this?I can't see myself ever being happy in a social situation again.All I'll be concentrating on is everyone else's glasses in their hands and watching them feel happy while they drink while I feel f***** miserable and alone.I feel like a total reject and wonder if this means I have to be a hermit for the rest of my life?why bother-if that's what my life has become?
Will I ever be happy again?Right now I don't think so and while it's only 9am here-I just want to give in-go up the road-buy some wine and just go 'f*** it!'I don't want this life.It's no life.It's just crap.
Sorry.I'm raving.Last night really was horrific for me.I'm on my 6th day sober and I feel like s***.I don't think I'm going to make it.
Rose62
I answer the door and it's my ex next door neighbour.She divorced her husband a year ago and moved out.We used to get on really well and I hadn't seen her in months.
She walks in and says-'I know this is the time you usually cook dinner-just thought I'd sit here and catch up with you and LOOK!I brought a bottle of your favorite bubbly!'
She proceeds to open the kitchen drawer where the bottle opener is (we used to get together a lot-she knows my kitchen well) and I am standing there speechless.
I then say in my cheeriest (fake) voice-'Marie-I'm off the alcohol for now-I'm taking a break because I've had some kidney problems lately and the doctor said to not drink for a while'(I don't know where that lie came from-but hell-I needed one)
She goes-'Oh-well that just sucks-surely one won't hurt?'I'm thinking to myself-'oh-if only.....'She then says-'Well-you won't mind if I have a few will you?' and I can't tell her I do mind.I mind terribly.So I wimpily say-'Sure-go ahead.'
For the next hour she chats away happily-and I don't hear a word.All I can do is watch her drink and think about how much I want to.How I just HATE what I am and how angry I am that I can't do something as simple as share a few drinks with a good friend.I just wanted to scream and then I wanted to cry.
In the end I rushed her out of there (politely) probably earlier than she wanted to leave-because I just couldn't stand it.I just couldn't.
Once she left I just went into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out.I kept trying to comfort myself with the fact that I should be proud I didn't give in and drink too-but you know what?I don't feel a single positive emotion about any of it.I just HATE what I've become.I HATE that now my life is so limited because I can't drink.
And I wonder if I'll always feel like this?I can't see myself ever being happy in a social situation again.All I'll be concentrating on is everyone else's glasses in their hands and watching them feel happy while they drink while I feel f***** miserable and alone.I feel like a total reject and wonder if this means I have to be a hermit for the rest of my life?why bother-if that's what my life has become?
Will I ever be happy again?Right now I don't think so and while it's only 9am here-I just want to give in-go up the road-buy some wine and just go 'f*** it!'I don't want this life.It's no life.It's just crap.
Sorry.I'm raving.Last night really was horrific for me.I'm on my 6th day sober and I feel like s***.I don't think I'm going to make it.
Rose62
tangled up in blue
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
(((HUGS))).. I'm so sorry to read about your day. That's HORRIBLE about your neighbor. How irritating and destructive to have someone wave that around you. UGH. I really, really hope you're feeling better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
It get's better Rose. Give it time.
I know,it's the hardest thing to hear. Easy for me to say, right ? "This to shall pass", "It gets better", "You're right where you're supposed to be" and all that other happy horse**t.
But it does. You've gotta want it, work it, and wait it out.
I know,it's the hardest thing to hear. Easy for me to say, right ? "This to shall pass", "It gets better", "You're right where you're supposed to be" and all that other happy horse**t.
But it does. You've gotta want it, work it, and wait it out.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Yeah what a hard day for you.but also what a wonderful chance for you to see how strong you are and willing to win..keep fighting...we got to believe it's going to be ok....it's just how the world works...you get tempted...you win...you get stronger...you're on another level now!
stay strong Rose!
stay strong Rose!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
hey honey, i'm sending mega-hugs your way. you know what, you say you feel life is limited. i think that by quitting the alcohol that your life has limitless possibilities. yeah, we alkies can't sit and have a drink with our old friends. the few i didn't run off i no longer hang out with, and it gets lonely. i'm really a loner type, but i have to learn to reach out.
are you going to a.a.?
gg
are you going to a.a.?
gg
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Thanks everyone.I don't feel strong at all but I appreciate there was something good in that I didn't give in and drink with her.
I know in my head 'this will pass'-I just want it to hurry the f** up-LOL
It helps so much to be here-that you all understand.
gg-I don't go to A.A yet-but I think I probably should.I'm not a loner by nature-like you-I'm gregarious and socialize a lot.But right now I can't.It's just too hard-everyone I know drinks.
I'm just going to stay on the boards this morning-and then take my dog to the park, avoid the wine shop and try to keep busy later today.
Rose
I know in my head 'this will pass'-I just want it to hurry the f** up-LOL
It helps so much to be here-that you all understand.
gg-I don't go to A.A yet-but I think I probably should.I'm not a loner by nature-like you-I'm gregarious and socialize a lot.But right now I can't.It's just too hard-everyone I know drinks.
I'm just going to stay on the boards this morning-and then take my dog to the park, avoid the wine shop and try to keep busy later today.
Rose
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
hey Rose,
yeah it sucked for me for the first month...I had to get up and leave a few situations...
this last month...no problems...I'm just as part of the group with my glass of lemon lime and bitters or L&P (kiwi reference) or whatever...hey it might as well be a cup of tea. The alcohol used to seem important to me, socially, but I see it's so not now...at least not to me - and if other people have an issue with it, that's their problem, not mine.
I know where alcohol leads me...it doesn't make things better for me...I can't enjoy a few drinks...not without ending up away on a bender for a week, sick as a dog, and right back to square one.
D
yeah it sucked for me for the first month...I had to get up and leave a few situations...
this last month...no problems...I'm just as part of the group with my glass of lemon lime and bitters or L&P (kiwi reference) or whatever...hey it might as well be a cup of tea. The alcohol used to seem important to me, socially, but I see it's so not now...at least not to me - and if other people have an issue with it, that's their problem, not mine.
I know where alcohol leads me...it doesn't make things better for me...I can't enjoy a few drinks...not without ending up away on a bender for a week, sick as a dog, and right back to square one.
D
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well you did better than I could have.
It is frustrating but you did it.
if you gotta tell a little fib to save some face then who cares.
Everybody doesnt need to know your business.
But maybe if she is a close enough friend you should tell her that you are not comfortable with it around you.
I hope you feel better.
I will be thinking of you.
It is frustrating but you did it.
if you gotta tell a little fib to save some face then who cares.
Everybody doesnt need to know your business.
But maybe if she is a close enough friend you should tell her that you are not comfortable with it around you.
I hope you feel better.
I will be thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Alive
Posts: 168
Way to go Rose! I'm sure your kidneys could use a break so hey not so much of a fib. I think I'll use that one tomorrow night at a rehearsal dinner. Thanks for the help!
Hope tomorrow is much more peaceful for you! Julie
Hope tomorrow is much more peaceful for you! Julie
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
R62,
I can so relate to what you wrote. I recall early on when that happened it was difficult. However, it does change. I now go out and generally don't have any problem with it.
What I did experience though was that initial, what the heck is wrong with me, why can't I do that. What did I do about it? Nothing, there is nothing you can do about it. You have to get to a point of acceptance. You are an alcoholic and cannot drink. End of story.
What is life like now? Well now I go out and my experience is very different. People actually say to me, hey you aren't drinking, what's up. I respond, don't drink. Then during the course of the evening they normally say something like "You are a ball of fun even though you don't drink." My general response, that's because I don't drink.
In short, it does get better and it does change. Your true personality comes through with time and you get comfy with yourself. Life gets better.
Peace, Levi
I can so relate to what you wrote. I recall early on when that happened it was difficult. However, it does change. I now go out and generally don't have any problem with it.
What I did experience though was that initial, what the heck is wrong with me, why can't I do that. What did I do about it? Nothing, there is nothing you can do about it. You have to get to a point of acceptance. You are an alcoholic and cannot drink. End of story.
What is life like now? Well now I go out and my experience is very different. People actually say to me, hey you aren't drinking, what's up. I respond, don't drink. Then during the course of the evening they normally say something like "You are a ball of fun even though you don't drink." My general response, that's because I don't drink.
In short, it does get better and it does change. Your true personality comes through with time and you get comfy with yourself. Life gets better.
Peace, Levi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Thanks to all of you.
I'm hanging in there.I avoided the wine shop and took my dog for a long walk at the local dog park.It helps to get outside and just do something.
I have to believe that this gets better-like you all say.It's hard to embrace that thought when I have nothing to compare it to.I only have 5 days sober and they haven't exactly been fun.I want to believe I will still be fun-that the things people have befriended me for will remain.I just don't feel like I'm myself right now-but maybe it's simply that the alcohol made me someone I wasn't and I've just gotten so used to that?I don't know.I'm not sure I care-I just want to be me and be okay with me-sober.I guess it's a process.
Anyway-I appreciate all of your responses and the support you bring.It means so much to have you here.Thank you.
Rosexox
I'm hanging in there.I avoided the wine shop and took my dog for a long walk at the local dog park.It helps to get outside and just do something.
I have to believe that this gets better-like you all say.It's hard to embrace that thought when I have nothing to compare it to.I only have 5 days sober and they haven't exactly been fun.I want to believe I will still be fun-that the things people have befriended me for will remain.I just don't feel like I'm myself right now-but maybe it's simply that the alcohol made me someone I wasn't and I've just gotten so used to that?I don't know.I'm not sure I care-I just want to be me and be okay with me-sober.I guess it's a process.
Anyway-I appreciate all of your responses and the support you bring.It means so much to have you here.Thank you.
Rosexox
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Gisborne New Zealand
Posts: 539
Hey Rose how are ya. yeah bummmer Ive being there Ive felt that dam feeling of being so P***ed off that I know I cant I just cant have a drink coz Im not like others I cant stop at one or two its 12 13 14 glasses later *sigh* heck even on my 40th I sadly sat at my brothers place while they had wine ( mental torture as a nice bottle of red was passed round Im sure my face twitched involentary *double sigh* but guess what? the night came and gone and I was still standing lol. The days get easier , sure you will get times when you are sorely tested like me with a bi-pola hubby that makes life a lot of fun!! but for some reason I am learning to deal with those days aint easy by any means but ya get through them heck if someone said to me about eight months ago youre not going to be drinking anymore I would be filled with panic my "fix" my safety "net" to cope with life was not around I would of lost it ( well I did lose it eventualy ending up in middlemore for a few days attempted suicide but thats another story. Hey good on you posting when you had a S**t of a day all the best Rose
Ang
Ang
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score one for Rose!!!!!!!!!
way to go,rose!It must've been hard for you,but you did it.....I've been sober for over two months now....but i haven't been,"tested"yet....i keep no alcohol at home,and haven't been in any social situations where there is any.....but tomorrow i leave for an out of town wedding,where the alcohol will be freely flowing.....i just hope i can be as strong as you were......in resisting.....great job,rose.KT
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Thank you so much angie, Carol (that link was great) karrotop and parentrecovers.It's a new day today and I'm feeling much better than yesterday.If I make it through today I'll be 7 days sober.A week without alcohol for the first time in many years.I'm not giving up today.For once-my stubborness can actually serve me maybe? LOL.I appreciate your encouragement very much.
Rose
Rose
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