Just Getting Really Tired of My Situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
Just Getting Really Tired of My Situation
I've been reading the forums here for quite some time, although I am new to posting.
My significant other and I live together. He's a drunk and an addict. At one point before we lived together, I was about at wits end with the relationship and told him it was his choice to continue doing what he was doing (being loaded daily), that was his choice, but I also had a choice and I chose to no longer be in this kind of a relationship. I didn't want it and was ready to end it. He was at a point where he was not only going to lose me, but also his son (different mom).
To make a long story very short, he decided he didn't want to lose everything in his life and decided to finally do something about it. For quite some time, he was doing great. He enrolled in a treatment program, got a drug and alcohol counselor, changed his friends, and attends NA meetings four to five times a week. He is still doing all these recovery things. The problem is that one of the new friends he has made, who is a main secretary at the NA center he goes to, smokes pot daily and has started taking my bf over to his house, after each meeting to get stoned! My bf is still not drinking, but is now very stoned all the time. I can always count on him coming home from his meetings that way. He walks in, sits down on the couch, is so stoned he can't really function much, and just falls asleep every night.
I've spent a lot of time in Alanon in the past. I do understand the 12-step program. Him being away from home, spending lots of extra time with new friends, etc., that did not bother me at all. I was proud of him. I must admit it makes me very angry that NA has a person in charge of a meeting who gets loaded nightly and apparently encourages others to do the same. I've even mentioned to that person that if my bf does not get clean UA's in his treatment program, he is on the verge of being kicked out and will eventually go to jail. (Another story--he was court ordered into the treatment program, but was really into working it until this started happening.) This secretary of the NA meeting doesn't care.
What I feel like is I'm getting really sick and tired of feeling like I'm carrying the load, responsibilities, etc., all the time. They just party, party, and have no responsibility. I'm resenting the fact that he is off doing all this treatment type stuff when it's just a big lie. Regular things around the house, I can never rely on him for....either he says he'll be home, changes his mind and then decides to go to a meeting, comes home loaded and passes out on the couch, or he can't seem to remember most things, forgets appointments, etc. I'm feeling like I have a big child I'm having to deal with most days. It's just getting really old. I have enough going on in my life and most days this is starting to make me feel like I'm not enjoying my own life and am aging quickly.
The other thing that bothers me is when I try to talk to him, he throws recovery terms at me and tells me I'm "taking his inventory," etc. I don't feel I'm taking his inventory by telling him things that bother me. I don't feel that by not wanting to put up with unacceptable behavior that I am taking anyone's inventory. I also have a pre-teen daughter in the house and I had told him before he moved in here that I would not have anything like that around here. He told me he would never bring that into this house. I'm really getting tired of setting up boundaries that he will respect for a little while, but certainly doesn't believe they are permanent. When I stand up for myself and let him know I am not swaying on that, he gets mad and "I'm the one with the problem."
It's a little hard to know what to do because I don't have money, at this point, to move again. I also fear if I do go to do that, that he will create a big scene because he really won't have anywhere to go. I know that's not my problem, but the scene he would not be okay because it would be my rental history it would affect.
I've thought about calling his D&A counselor and telling him I can't do this anymore as it is getting out of control. I don't know if that is really my place to do that or not, so at this point, I have chose not to. I am confused and really upset. I'm getting to the point where I'm just so sick of the constant crap that I can't stand to be around him much and am just totally detaching from him in every way. He'll act like a jerk, do this stuff, and then try to be all nice to make up....ignoring the issue, my feelings, etc.
The sad part is, when he was really trying or when he has been sober, our relationship is good. I have fun doing things with him, enjoy his company, etc., he's an entirely different person. I've told him that. I love him (the sober him), but can't stand him when his disease takes control. Of course, when he is in the mode where he is using frequently, according to him, "everything is just all in my head and I'm expending far too much energy on stupid stuff." I'm so exhausted most of the time that my self-esteem has gone downhill and find that time runs out for the stuff I want to do. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to keep the focus on me, his junk always gets in the way.
I know I've written a long post. I really needed to vent badly and just went ahead and wrote exactly what I am feeling lately. If anyone can offer any ideas, experience, strength and hope to help me with my thinking or getting my own mind back together, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
My significant other and I live together. He's a drunk and an addict. At one point before we lived together, I was about at wits end with the relationship and told him it was his choice to continue doing what he was doing (being loaded daily), that was his choice, but I also had a choice and I chose to no longer be in this kind of a relationship. I didn't want it and was ready to end it. He was at a point where he was not only going to lose me, but also his son (different mom).
To make a long story very short, he decided he didn't want to lose everything in his life and decided to finally do something about it. For quite some time, he was doing great. He enrolled in a treatment program, got a drug and alcohol counselor, changed his friends, and attends NA meetings four to five times a week. He is still doing all these recovery things. The problem is that one of the new friends he has made, who is a main secretary at the NA center he goes to, smokes pot daily and has started taking my bf over to his house, after each meeting to get stoned! My bf is still not drinking, but is now very stoned all the time. I can always count on him coming home from his meetings that way. He walks in, sits down on the couch, is so stoned he can't really function much, and just falls asleep every night.
I've spent a lot of time in Alanon in the past. I do understand the 12-step program. Him being away from home, spending lots of extra time with new friends, etc., that did not bother me at all. I was proud of him. I must admit it makes me very angry that NA has a person in charge of a meeting who gets loaded nightly and apparently encourages others to do the same. I've even mentioned to that person that if my bf does not get clean UA's in his treatment program, he is on the verge of being kicked out and will eventually go to jail. (Another story--he was court ordered into the treatment program, but was really into working it until this started happening.) This secretary of the NA meeting doesn't care.
What I feel like is I'm getting really sick and tired of feeling like I'm carrying the load, responsibilities, etc., all the time. They just party, party, and have no responsibility. I'm resenting the fact that he is off doing all this treatment type stuff when it's just a big lie. Regular things around the house, I can never rely on him for....either he says he'll be home, changes his mind and then decides to go to a meeting, comes home loaded and passes out on the couch, or he can't seem to remember most things, forgets appointments, etc. I'm feeling like I have a big child I'm having to deal with most days. It's just getting really old. I have enough going on in my life and most days this is starting to make me feel like I'm not enjoying my own life and am aging quickly.
The other thing that bothers me is when I try to talk to him, he throws recovery terms at me and tells me I'm "taking his inventory," etc. I don't feel I'm taking his inventory by telling him things that bother me. I don't feel that by not wanting to put up with unacceptable behavior that I am taking anyone's inventory. I also have a pre-teen daughter in the house and I had told him before he moved in here that I would not have anything like that around here. He told me he would never bring that into this house. I'm really getting tired of setting up boundaries that he will respect for a little while, but certainly doesn't believe they are permanent. When I stand up for myself and let him know I am not swaying on that, he gets mad and "I'm the one with the problem."
It's a little hard to know what to do because I don't have money, at this point, to move again. I also fear if I do go to do that, that he will create a big scene because he really won't have anywhere to go. I know that's not my problem, but the scene he would not be okay because it would be my rental history it would affect.
I've thought about calling his D&A counselor and telling him I can't do this anymore as it is getting out of control. I don't know if that is really my place to do that or not, so at this point, I have chose not to. I am confused and really upset. I'm getting to the point where I'm just so sick of the constant crap that I can't stand to be around him much and am just totally detaching from him in every way. He'll act like a jerk, do this stuff, and then try to be all nice to make up....ignoring the issue, my feelings, etc.
The sad part is, when he was really trying or when he has been sober, our relationship is good. I have fun doing things with him, enjoy his company, etc., he's an entirely different person. I've told him that. I love him (the sober him), but can't stand him when his disease takes control. Of course, when he is in the mode where he is using frequently, according to him, "everything is just all in my head and I'm expending far too much energy on stupid stuff." I'm so exhausted most of the time that my self-esteem has gone downhill and find that time runs out for the stuff I want to do. It doesn't seem to matter how much I try to keep the focus on me, his junk always gets in the way.
I know I've written a long post. I really needed to vent badly and just went ahead and wrote exactly what I am feeling lately. If anyone can offer any ideas, experience, strength and hope to help me with my thinking or getting my own mind back together, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Wow I find it so odd that the secretary from NA is getting high and encouraging others to join in.
Really everything is up to you and what steps are you ready to make. I see nothing wrong with setting boundaries and if he doesnt follow up on them then you do what you must, even if it is to call whoever mandated him into treatment. So he could be forced to leave your home.
I am sorry your going through this and wish there was more to offer you but stick around we are here for you.
Hugs,
Jewel
Really everything is up to you and what steps are you ready to make. I see nothing wrong with setting boundaries and if he doesnt follow up on them then you do what you must, even if it is to call whoever mandated him into treatment. So he could be forced to leave your home.
I am sorry your going through this and wish there was more to offer you but stick around we are here for you.
Hugs,
Jewel
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 90
((Kanga)), I have no advice. The addict in my family is my son. I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. There are people with relationships similar to yours who will share their experiences and wisdom. I will offer my prayers to lift and strengthen you.
The sad truth is that I have heard that NA meetings in our area are a great connection for drugs. Dealers and pushers are there to find customers, people who are trying to escape the grip of addiction yet still weak and craving. So as good as the program is . . . it can attract the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
Just wondering . . . What will happen to YOU if your bf flunks his UA and goes to jail?
Please continue to share. Support is on the way.
The sad truth is that I have heard that NA meetings in our area are a great connection for drugs. Dealers and pushers are there to find customers, people who are trying to escape the grip of addiction yet still weak and craving. So as good as the program is . . . it can attract the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
Just wondering . . . What will happen to YOU if your bf flunks his UA and goes to jail?
Please continue to share. Support is on the way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Kanga,
I know that sick and tired feeling..........I'm feeling that way right now. I will tell you that my AD said she will not go to NA meetings because of meeting the wrong people. She prefers to go to one on one counseling. She just told me yesterday that she wanted to do that. I hope she follows through........she is full of a lot of broken promises.
Best of luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers...............Lo
I know that sick and tired feeling..........I'm feeling that way right now. I will tell you that my AD said she will not go to NA meetings because of meeting the wrong people. She prefers to go to one on one counseling. She just told me yesterday that she wanted to do that. I hope she follows through........she is full of a lot of broken promises.
Best of luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers...............Lo
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You hold the key to your future in the palm of you hand, it is not in his, never has been never will be.
Maybe you cannot move today, but, you can formulate a plan for tomorrow, IF that is what you want.
Turning the tables and blaming is a defense mechanism that addicts use everyday, it is their mantra.
Keep in mind, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or non active, that's it.
A day will turn into a week, a week into a month and a month into a year, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.
Where do you want to be in a year? Is this kind of life you want to live? Only you know the answer to these questions.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Maybe you cannot move today, but, you can formulate a plan for tomorrow, IF that is what you want.
Turning the tables and blaming is a defense mechanism that addicts use everyday, it is their mantra.
Keep in mind, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or non active, that's it.
A day will turn into a week, a week into a month and a month into a year, and if nothing changes, nothing changes.
Where do you want to be in a year? Is this kind of life you want to live? Only you know the answer to these questions.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
(((Kanga)))
Welcome. My addict is my Husband. I myself have been in your situation, and chose to leave with my Son after 7 year's of broken promises. I feel your frustration, fatigue, saddness, and pain.
Day by day Kanga. That's all I got. Day by day.
Keep posting...
Welcome. My addict is my Husband. I myself have been in your situation, and chose to leave with my Son after 7 year's of broken promises. I feel your frustration, fatigue, saddness, and pain.
Day by day Kanga. That's all I got. Day by day.
Keep posting...
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
My mother is a 30 yr AA old timer. She says that NA meetings do not work very well where she is. Guinevere hit the nail on the head too. The dealers are just wainting to bait the poor people trying to get clean.
I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that alcohol is legal, and drugs aren't. You can just walk into a package store and buy a bottle any old time you want. But drugs are something you risk your freedom for. Somewhere there has to be a connection. Maybe it's the rush of the purchase, the getting away with it, this time.
Maybe someone else can explain it.
You mentioned you didn't have money to leave. What I did was start stashing away every single penny I could. I hid it where it simply could not be found by a drug addict looking for cash: in a bank account in my name only! It was enough to rent a place and pay deposits. That was all I needed. Without my saving like a squirrel, I would have felt helpless.
It does help too, to make a day for yourself, or even just a few hours to get your hair done, a pedicure, anything special just for you. It makes you feel better!
Come back and post more. You'll find this place is a wonderful area to vent and to learn.
I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that alcohol is legal, and drugs aren't. You can just walk into a package store and buy a bottle any old time you want. But drugs are something you risk your freedom for. Somewhere there has to be a connection. Maybe it's the rush of the purchase, the getting away with it, this time.
Maybe someone else can explain it.
You mentioned you didn't have money to leave. What I did was start stashing away every single penny I could. I hid it where it simply could not be found by a drug addict looking for cash: in a bank account in my name only! It was enough to rent a place and pay deposits. That was all I needed. Without my saving like a squirrel, I would have felt helpless.
It does help too, to make a day for yourself, or even just a few hours to get your hair done, a pedicure, anything special just for you. It makes you feel better!
Come back and post more. You'll find this place is a wonderful area to vent and to learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
Thank you for your posts...It helps knowing I'm not alone and I'm not crazy, even though I feel crazy a lot of times lately. It helps knowing that others can relate.
Guinevere, you were asking what I thought would happen to me if my bf does end up going to jail. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty because the thoughts go through my head that may be the only thing that will help him. If that were to happen, one thing I have done is to protect myself financially so that I would be okay. It would be a struggle, but I could still support myself and my child. I've made sure that I have not let myself get into the position where I have to count on him for the rent. As far as to how I would feel, if that would happen, I'm not really sure at this point. I do believe I would be okay though.
Guinevere, you were asking what I thought would happen to me if my bf does end up going to jail. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty because the thoughts go through my head that may be the only thing that will help him. If that were to happen, one thing I have done is to protect myself financially so that I would be okay. It would be a struggle, but I could still support myself and my child. I've made sure that I have not let myself get into the position where I have to count on him for the rent. As far as to how I would feel, if that would happen, I'm not really sure at this point. I do believe I would be okay though.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
