Toomutch

I have been thinking a lot lately about my alcoholism. I have some questions that I ask myself over and over again. One of them being did I function better as an alcoholic?

This probably sounds really stupid to those of you who view this post, but let me tell you why I think this way.

In the past 15 months before I stopped drinking I got a business degree in an accelerated program and graduated with honors, even though I was drinking daily.

At the beginning of January, my daughter was hospitalized for 3 months with anorexia. She is my beautiful 13 year old and she went in weighing 77 lbs and she is 5' 7". She was on a heart monitor and 24 hour watch for the first two weeks. I stayed with her around the clock, with a few breaks to go out to eat etc... and her dad gave me a couple of breaks and he stayed overnight. I drank every night she was there, I snuck it in my overnight bag. Or would drink on my breaks out to dinner. I did a good job of controlling the amount as long as I was there. On the nights her dad would stay with her I would get wasted.

For the remainder of the time she spent in the hospital, she was in the outpatient program. I drank ever night, often way to much, but managed to make it to the hospital each day for group therapy, family therapy etc...

She has been home now since just after spring break but continues to have atleast three appointments each week. While I was still drinking we did not miss an appointment.

Heres where it get strange. Since I quit drinking 31 days ago I have made excuses for atleast half of her appointments. I either reschedule or tell her dad that I am sick and he takes her. Or my husband (her step dad takes her).

I have only been to one AA meeting, and I rarely leave the house. Sometimes I stay in bed most of the day, wanting to go out, but cant force myself. I want so badly to be motivated, it's like I need someone to kick me in the a** to get me going, and I am not even sure that would work.

So sorry for going on and on!

~Tomutch

ghostgirl

((((toomuch)))

hey there... i was the same way during my second and much of my third month of sobriety. the disease has a lovely cooing voice... "you know you want me back..."

you can do it, honey. WE can do it. you're up and posting, now go to that a.a. meeting... the more you go to, the more you'll want to go,. everyone told me do 90 meetings in 90 days... i had every excuse in the world why i couldn't. then i started to feel like sh!t after that thirty day mark, up and down... waaaaaaaay down. somewhere in the last two weeks i just made the decision to go to a meeting i normally would not have gone to... then another... then another.... and it just has HELPED in the biggest way.

someone in one of those meetings has said a number of times... "i was willing to take the advise of people who didn't care if i lived or died while using... try this, do that. now why am i so unwilling to take the advise of someone who's trying to save my a$$?"

don't listen to the voice of your disease honey... it wants you back... cunning baffling powerful....

i was one heavy drinker, (almost a fifth of vodka EVERY day for the last two/three months of my drinking, plus wine, beer, whatever... don't know how i functioned or lived), and if i can make it this far, so can you.

(((())))

gg

ghostgirl

and sending prayers your daughters way... ((()))

gg

Toomutch

GG thank you for reading and trying to help motivate me. I feel the motivation trying to show itself, but it or I am being too stuborn. Hence the word Toomutch. It does not only apply to drinking but to everything.

Thank you for the prayers for my daughter.

~~~~~~~~

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight

Astro

I had to kick myself in the @ss Too, I can relate very much to how you're feeling, and when it came to scheduling shrink appointments for myself I'd procrastinate for days.

OK, so here's my big huge secret to success:

Force myself to take a walk.
Force myself to take a bike ride.
Force myself on a long hike.
Force myself to go to meetings, and then force myself to talk in a group.
Force myself to eat a healthy meal.
Force myself to take a shower and put on some clean clothes.
Force myself to take my kids to the park or the movies.
Force myself to sit outdoors at a cafe.
Force myself to listen to some music.
Force myself to go shopping for something nice, as a treat to myself.
Force myself to read a book.

I could list so many things, but the point I want to make is that after a while I didn't have to force myself, I wanted to do these things more than ever, I wanted to live again.

So how about starting with something small, like a walk around the block? While you're at it take some time to appreciate the sights and smells of life going on around you. It can be more addictive than alcohol ever was:-)

Alive

I am confident you will become more and more strong with time.I mean you have 31 days, that is amazing and you should be very proud.And everything falls into place.it's just a matter of time.I'm sure your daughter is proud whether she is aware or not of what you're going through... it's going to be ok...it just takes a little time...

take care!

Toomutch

Thank you Astro. I think I will take a shower (still in my pj's at 1:00 pm), get the dogs on their leashes and take in some of this beautiful day. The longer I sit here the worse it gets.

~~~~~~~~

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight

Toomutch

Thank you Karim, thats the one thing I have plenty of is time.

~~~~~~~

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight

Astro

Hey, take a walk in your PJ's! You're sure to get some smiles;-)

GlassPrisoner

Go help another alcoholic. Get to AA.

Always works for me.

That said, I know where you are. I've been there. Even after 7 months, I fatigue quickly and can slide into depression if I quit working my program. So I don't.

Alive

ok just got a laugh out of me...

Anna

Yes, as the others have said, sometimes just pushing yourself to do something will help to get you going. You are still fairly early in sobriety so you should expect more changes to be going on with you. It took me quite awhile to get to where I wanted to be, once I stopped drinking. The first few weeks I was just reeling with guilt and fear and then I slowly began easing back into things that I enjoyed. Try to be kind to yourself, and to keep moving forward.

Toomutch

Hi guys and gals. Well I did not take a walk, but I did go to the bank and the grocery store. Well atleast I did something.

My goal for tomorrow is to take a walk; maybe in my pj's; and I will try to get to a meeting.

~~~~~~~~

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight

Astro

Way to go, hope you make it to that meeting! ( I know you can and will do it;-)

barb dwyer

TOoo...

*hug*

What you're describing is known to my home group as isolating.
I have a hard time sometimes getting out to get to the doctor, to get the medication that helps me get out .....
sometimes, meds or toilet paper are the only two needs that will get me OUT of the house ...
LOL
Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.
Meds or not.
31 days
(sorry if I don't remember that right) is an accomplishment in itself!
32 for you today!!

I've learned it's not whether i'm an ok person or not ...
it's where my 'chemistry' is sitting.
or standing.
or running.
get the drift?

I, too go to AA as often as possible.
I'm just one of those who HAS to.

You're not alone!

indigo

Sending positive toughts across the pond for you and you're daughter and know we're all here for you.

hugs indigo