Don't be afraid!
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Don't be afraid!
Inner child work is in one way detective work. We have a mystery to solve. Why have I have I been attracted to the the type of people that I have been in relationship with in my life? Why do I react in certain ways in certain situations? Where did my behavior patterns come from? Why do I sometimes feel so: helpless; lonely; desperate; scared; angry; suicidal; etc.
I am not afraid of this I don't think. And I don't think of it as being ungrateful. It is about learning about me and what makes me tick.
Back when the daughter in law died I went into a really mopey "poor me" time...naturally. But at one point I got really morbid and started to go backwards in my life. If my parents had not divorced I would not have felt the need to get married so young and have my son. I was all about getting out of the house. If all of that had been different maybe she would be alive. Maybe Ward would not have been drawn into my personal chaos. I actually went as far as apologizing to Ward for my supposed mistakes.
If I look back at that time and my reactions to it...the divorce and subsequent rejection...it seems as tho I was shot out of a cannon and all choice was taken away. But that, in reality, is not true. I was reacting. Something I learned much later in life to stop doing.
I know I am not responsible, but looking back is clear as glass. The series of events that brought me to where I am today.
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What's really hard is that we can only look back with the knowledge we have now and can't really look back with the knowledge we had in the past. I always have to remind myself of that or I'll beat myself up.
Heck, I look at myself at 4 years old thinking I was the same as I am now. I find myself looking for other people who are the same age as the age I was in a past event just to get a realistic view of how old I was.
It was always expected of me to behave as an adult, but I never received any kind of training on how to do it, not to mention that a child should not be expected to have that kind of responsibility. Reacting was the only way I knew to get through life. We were not allowed to be proactive.
Hugs,
MG
Heck, I look at myself at 4 years old thinking I was the same as I am now. I find myself looking for other people who are the same age as the age I was in a past event just to get a realistic view of how old I was.
It was always expected of me to behave as an adult, but I never received any kind of training on how to do it, not to mention that a child should not be expected to have that kind of responsibility. Reacting was the only way I knew to get through life. We were not allowed to be proactive.
Hugs,
MG
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