unsure of

No one chooses to be an addict correct? so does that mean no one choose to be a codie. isn't the defination of of codie is someone addicted to the addict? but isn't it true that all we have are choices in life? so have we choosen to be codies?

has anyone else ponder this notion? what do you think? Did you choose to be a codie? I can see where i have made choices in my life that have made me a codie but i don't know what has lead me to make those choices.

any thoughts

peace and serenity

cinderellawkids

I think my dysfunction environment as a child conditioned me to act like a codie. Key is now that we know, we ahve the power to change it, but I think on some levels, if not working our recovery program, we forever have codiness lurking

cece1960

Codieism kind of snuck up on me.
I refer to myself as a "conditional codie" in that in certain circumstances I fit the description to the tee, but in others, thats not the case.

For me, the choice wasn't in becoming a codie...that came pretty naturally and most likely stemmed out of the gallant thought that a mom will step in front of a train for her kids. No one taught me what to do when stepping in front of the train doesn't save them anymore.
So the "choice" that you mention, for me, was the decision to change...to trust that the train will go by and those around me can step out of the way...and I didn't have to get run over afterall.
I have no idea how I got stuck on trains...but it makes sense in my head
((((hugs))))
Cece

Lobo

I think I am a circumstancual codie. I have 2 sons and I was not like this with them.
I believe my daughters addiction made me this way. Granted it is my responsibility, but it seems I didn't know how to handle addiction and I thought if I chased after her and did everything for her that she couldn't do that I was taking care of her, and she would eventually get better. Boy, does that sound bizarre when I just typed that. But in all truth that is how I felt. So I think I became that way because of her addiction. I'm not that way with everyone else. I know when to say no to others. Everyday I am learning to say no to her. Why is it so hard to do?

Good subject Polly.........thank you

Lo

unsure of

Thanks For The Replies.

For Me I Lthink I Was Raised To Be A Codie. I'm The Second Of Four Children. My Parents Wanted More Children So They Opened Our Home To Foster Childern When I Was 9 Years Old. So Most Of My Life I Was Taught That We Had More Than Most And That We NeedED To Put Others First. to this day i find it difficult not putting other first. at first i thought i was just being super considerate and polite. but now i'm not so sure about much in my life.

My Parents Were Selfess When They Raised Us And The Foster Children. Looking Back I Think That Is What Made Me A Codie. I Always Want To Be Helpful And Supportive Of The Children Coming And Going From Our Home In The Middle Of The Night. It Has Left A Huge Impact In My Life. The Wierd Thing Is That Even When All Four Of Us Were Out Of The House My Parents Were Willing To Continue With The Foster Children In The Their Home. I Don't Know If The Impact Was Good Or Not; For A While I Thought That It Was Good.

But Now I Kind Of Wonder Why I Had To Share My Parents And My Family With Strangers. How I Had To Share Our Family Vacations And Holidays With Strangers. Who Lives Like That? I Think That Living With These Children From Dysfunctional Families Impacted Me To The Point Where I Believe I'm Now Dyfunctional In Most Of My Relatioship.

I'm Going To Change That. I'm Going To Work On My Relationship With Myself So I Can Better Live My Life.

mooselips

I also was raised to be a Codie. My father was an alcoholic, my mother was severely dependent on him, she drank along with him, and I kind of
took care of both of them.

So glad I know better now.

BigSis

I keep hearing that codies are made, not born... but I have my doubts. Research has shown that some personality traits are inherited and some of mine play right into my codependency as well as my other addictions.

I tend to be fearful and there is a part of me that never fits in. I am unsure of myself and do not feel "good enough".

This makes it difficult for me to stand up for myself and I worry that others won't love me.

I have NO idea how much of this is nurture and how much is nature, but I see MANY of these same traits in one of my children and in a neice. Neither my child nor my neice have had childhoods like mine... neither was perfect, either.

But these traits were "relieved" by my using alcohol and other things, and were exacerbated by my relationships.

So is it a "disease"... I am getting better at NOT getting into that argument, but it may be a condition that is inherited.

Wascally Wabbit

Wow, lots of good posts to ponder!
For me, I was born with codie DNA. Alcoholic mother, dysfunctional family, you name it. It would only be natural for me to want to fix the horrible family situations.

But, here's a thought, people who are from a normal family become codies.
Somewhere I found a feeling on this board that we can be led by the hand of the addict to codieland. It's like entrapment. Only, it happens over a long enough period of time that before you can realize what you've become, it's too late. You become that way because you've been fooled into believing in your need to help the addict. Shoot, you'd help a friend, a family member, why would you not help the husband or son who is an addict? I don't think we have the ability to differentiate between someone who needs help and someone who is addicted and is using us for their own means. Am I making sense?

Somewhere in time I failed philosophy.

greeteachday

Interesting thoughts here. I think I am similar to Cece...I believe I have some codependent characteristics no matter what the situation. They are changing...as long as I work recovery, I can see the change, but in general I have had low self esteem and I definitely always tried to be the people pleaser. In addition to other nature/nurture issues, I have considered my birth order as a playing a part in how I developed into the person I was. I was sort of lost near the bottom...not the baby, not the eldest, not the first girl...I felt there was nothing unique about me and so I found my role as the mediator, the people pleaser, the one who always tried to smooth things over because if I could make people not be mad, well at least than I could be recognized as "the good kid."

My people pleasing ways are a big part of my codependent personality, but I don't think I would have gotten to the darkest places I encountered if my child wasn't an addict. I was never attracted to addicts or addicted to drama...addiction just found its way to me through my daughter. And as Cece said, I never knew when to draw the line and stop stepping in front of trains in order to protect my children. Recovery has helped me with that and also with letting go of trying to fix or control things that impact people I love.

Thanks, Polly...Great thread.

Lobo

Wascally, You're making sense to me. Are you sure you failed philosophy? I think I was led by my AD's hand into codieland for sure.
Right now I am so miserable and sick and tired of all of this I feel like I am going into LALALand.

Thanks Wascally........you speak like a true philosopher. (Did I spell that right)

Hugs.............Lois

Ann

I think my codependency began as a young child when my father died. I was his "little nurse" and thought I could love him into being well, and nobody told me he had cancer (and in those days that meant certain death). A year later, my mother was almost murdered by a stranger with an axe who somehow got into our basement. She managed to get away and grab me and run to a neighbour's but ended up with epilepsy from being hit with the blunt end of that axe.

I spent my life afraid of bad things happening to people I loved and so trying to protect them in my own codie way.

My son's addiction didn't cause it, but it triggered the worst in me and I became a raging codie. In a way I am grateful because this was what brought me to where I am today, in a better life filled with peace and serenity.

Hugs

Ladybugg

I think I agree with the Wabbit..
I grew up in a family with no drugs and my parents drank maybe once a year.
I was the first born.. I feel my parents love me...I had a good childhood.
My parents are still together....
I think I have always liked myself.
I did have personal boundries, I think most people do.
I thought that I could have anything I wanted, I could fix him and save our marrige.
It was a perfect situation for my AH, no matter what he done it was fixable!!
I am the type that if I want something...I am going to make it happen.
Well.....I used to be that way.
Today I realize that sometimes I have to surrender, and sometimes I have to wait.

finallyout

ladybugg, you just described me perfectly. i also had a wonderful childhood and family - alot of "you can be whatever you put your mind too" etc, so i too thought i could "fix" my ah. so for me, i was made a codie but now i realize i don't have to be, its all about choices.