goldenleaves

Hi all,

You don't know me, but I know you. Have been reading here for a couple of months to help me deal with life with the rollercoaster of being with my AH. You are all an inspiration.

My H and I haven't lived together for almost a year, he decided he wanted out of our marriage last June so he didn't have to be responsible and he could be wherever, with whomever, doing whatever, etc etc.

He was very mean and nasty upon leaving. We organised a financial settlement straight away, the house was sold within a week, and I moved out 30 days later. It was like a tornado - horrible. My car blew up (he managed to get the good one that my mother had given us the money for as it ended up in his name), moving by myself was icky, just blah.

He is also a compulsive gambler and I think the big thing driving him at this time as well as the A was the huge debts he'd racked up on credit cards I knew nothing about. I knew about the ones I was paying for, but not two other cards. So, now we both rent separately, (all the money was gambled away over the years so neither of us can afford to buy a house). What we got from the settlement didn't cover his debts (thank goodness the other cards were in his name only), but he borrowed money from family to cover most of it.

3 weeks after he left to 'sleep around with other people' - mainly 18 to 20 year olds was his plan he said (he is 42 with 3 children from his first marriage, the oldest is 16), he started texting, calling etc etc. Life as a bachelor wasn't quite what he thought. Not enough money to cover everything, getting sicker, putting on weight, getting angrier, lonelier etc etc.

Long story short, we got back together to try again and went to counselling. 3 weeks later he left again (stopped drinking for 2, then started again.) 7 weeks later back together again. He embarked on an individual counselling program, tried to cut back (not give up) drinking and gambling etc. For 5 months things looked hopeful. 6 weeks ago, because he felt I just wasn't prepared to be happy about how much he drank, he told me he needed a couple of days to see if he really wanted to be with me. Said he no longer wanted to go to counselling. I told him not to bother - I was done. Much more involved and heart rending than this, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

Problem now is, I am trying hard to move on with my life. Have been trying pretty successfully to maintain no contact. I feel like a heel. If this were any other friend I'd be in there supporting them if I could. But I know contact helps neither of us.

But... despite him basically leaving me 3 times, being nasty, and not to mention the 9 years of chaos we've been in together (some good of course), he is now the one calling, texting, upset, wanting to see me desperately or his life will be over (he says). I hate this, hate, hate, hate it. I am so very sad because it could have been different.

But, I know I have to move on, for both our sakes. This board has helped me to realise just how important that is, along with all of my counselling. It just seems so ironic that he chose to leave and I am the one trying to maintain the distance.

So, after a lot of waffle (sorry about the long post) - a question.

How many of you have moved to start a new life somewhere else? Did you regret this? Are you happy you did it?

I love the city I live in. I have a good job, great friends, my money situation now is far better than it has been for the last 9 years as I don't have to cover both of us, my mum is here, my counsellor is here (have been going for over 6 months) etc etc. But, I just wonder whether a fresh start somewhere else, maybe not that far away but removed a bit would be worth it?????? Am I just scared to get out of my comfort zone? Are there real benefits in relocating to remove yourself from the chaos? Or is that just running away?????

Any thoughts much appreciated.

And thanks again for just being such a great community.

loveRoy

If I had a dollar for everytime I have said, "It could have been different." I wouldn't have any money worries. Acceptance is so hard. No, I haven't moved but most days I would like to. I would like to go to a place where no one knows me or him. He has caused such embarrassment for my girls and me. Sorry I can't be more help. Just want you to know that this board has been my salvation. So glad you posted. I'm sure others will be along soon with great advice. Again, welcome.

WhatAboutME

I don't have any real advice for you. All I can say is that since my AH and I have seperated he has been living in a different city about 2 hours away. It has helped alot not "bumping" into him at the grocery store, etc. Also, knowing that I couldn't just jump into my car at 10 PM at night and drive over to see him, or God help me, drive by his house, has helped me move on too.

I have started to give alot of thought about moving to an entirely different state to start over as well.

chero

I told my counselor yesterday that most days I just want to pack a bag and run far, far away from him, here, everything. So, I can relate to your feelings.

I don't have any advice for you. But just wanted to say Welcome! This place is amazing and I know someone will be along to offer their advice.

I will say, it just doesn't seem fair that you will be the one that has to give up some place you seem to love and a place where your mom and your counselor live. Why are we the ones who always seem to have to give up stuff, dreams, etc...

(((((GL)))))

goldenleaves

Thanks everyone. I have read many, many posts about all of your situations, and you are all such strong women struggling with the extreme chaos this stuff brings.

Everyone around me says "Why should you have to give up everything etc etc", but then again, maybe it would be the start of an exciting adventure? I've lived in the same place for over 20 years. I went to University here, got my first job here (teaching), and have been here ever since. My mum and dad moved here about 11 years ago so he could have access to our large hospital, (he had leukemia - passed away almost 10 years ago now), and mum stayed on. She is 77 and wonderful. Has been a great support.

She also supports me doing whatever. I've thought about going on a teaching exchange overseas for a year, but I don't want to travel alone. I am a real homebody, hate flying, and don't want to be stressed out with life AND overseas and alone. But, moving somewhere nearby, say an hour away, even if just for a year or so could be an option. I came from a small town (I live in a large regional city now), and wouldn't mind that sort of life again for a while. I'd have to give up my great job though - that is a worry.

I just don't know. I've tossed the pros and cons around (only a few things for getting away, but one is really big!!), but just don't know what to do. Just feel stuck and stagnant.

I'm putting off doing things (joining the gym, joining the art gallery etc) because I don't want to take out a membership if I won't be here.

Maybe I'm just using it as an excuse to sit and stew over it all. Don't know. Will discuss it with my counsellor tomorrow (she thought going overseas on an exchange was a great idea, but understands why I don't want to).

Thanks for the warm welcome.

CE Girl

Hi Goldenleaves, (LOVE the monikor ) and welcome to SR,,,,,You probably "know" most of us by now given you've been absobing. I'm looking forward to getting to know you!

Your thread is right up my alley, as I'm preparing to move in less than a week. And man, is it hard and scary!! But SOOOOOOOOO exciting, I can barely contain myself,,,lol

I LOVE where I live right now too. Who wouldn't? I live on an island.

My A and I did not live on the island, choosing his house instead. But we used my house on the island as a getaway, so there's PLENTY of memories. My A and I have had no contact for 2 months, haven't seen him or spoken to him on the phone, we have had "email wars" though. They threw me back a bit, but as of today, been 4 days since I stopped that contact also. I am determined to move on with my life.

The reason I'm moving is because its a new start. It "fits" with my recovery. I'm begining to find ME again, and want to give myself EVERY opportunity to expereince the things I want to do. I can't do that on the island. It's secluded and small, in fact, I call it "the edge". I'm moving to a really neat seashore "city" bustling with people, places and things!!!

I don't feel I'm running away at all. And for me, I'm all about getting out of my "comfort zone". Frankly, it wasn't very healthy,,lol

By the way, the move only takes me 20 minute from the island. I did contemplate a BIG move (3000) miles, but wanted to stay near my support systems, (friends, family, groups, ect)

Again, WELCOME, keep posting, keep reading and STAY strong!!!

Peace

WantsOut

I love how he thought he was going to have a bevy of teenage lovers. What the hell is wrong with people?

And shame on you for not being prepared to accept his drinking

Moving is something I would like to do but circumstances are not cooperating at the moment. I agree with the "new adventure, new road" POV on that. For many I think that might be a good path.

But for others, who are emotionally fragile from having been through the wringer, maybe staying with the familiar, at least for a few years, is a better plan.

I think it depends on where the woman is emotionally after she's come out of the ether.

parentrecovers

i moved 300 miles away and got an unlisted phone number. all visitation between ex and daughter was decided on by a judge and handled through ex's parents. in the 13 years between leaving and my ex's funeral - i saw/spoke to him directly four times - in court fighting for child support. it was the best decision i could make at the time. blessings, k

Rella927

Welcome Golden!

I can only say very few words...and that is I moved him out of town 4 towns away and the chances of us still bumping into each other have been slim but it does happen. Moving is hard/change but sometimes it is going through that change that will make us stronger in the end. With children in the picture I know this can be hard (do not know how the visting with them goes) but only you can decide what you want to do for yourself.

Hearing them say "I need you" "I can't live without you" is really IMHO just a manipulation to get you back into feeding the addiction. (I know I have been there close to 6 times myself) Detaching is not easy-I still have a few bumps in my path-but the no contact was the hardest one. It does get easier as long as you stick to it-change what you need in order to take care of YOU and your children. It appears from your post that there is some strength there and the knowledge that you know that you are now powerless over his addictions.

So now it is time to do what you need for yourself-moving somewhere else ("new adventure") if you are able to do that maybe the best solution for you, only you will know this. It is a change and those can be tuff or they can be in the long run the most wonderful thing you could do for yourself!

(((Hugs))))

denny57

Hi goldenleaves, glad you're here!

I still live in the same place - AH has an apartment about 1-1/2 miles away and in the 18 months we've been separated, I've run into him once - in June 2006. You say you love where you live, your life is there. If my only reason for leaving was to get away from AH, I wouldn't do it.

You posted: "I feel like a heel. If this were any other friend I'd be in there supporting them if I could. But I know contact helps neither of us."

I had many discussions with my therapist about thinking like this. What I realized is I don't have any other "friends" in my life who treat me the way he did, and if they did, they would no longer be my friends. It took a lot of work to understand why I thought he was my friend when all his actions proved otherwise.

Keep posting and take care.

appleblaster

If you are truly done with him, let him know that in very clear wording....no candy coating, no buffering. Straight out....."Do not contact me by phone, email, mail, in person, text, message in a bottle, telegraph, plane, train, automobile, smoke signal, messenger or any other way imaginable. I do not want relations with you of ANY kind."
That's hard to say/do and can be even harder to stick to.
But once you've settled your financial/marital affairs then you can make the break possibly without leaving your city.
I've not seen mine once since December 2006 and we live in a city of about 200,000 people. I don't avoid places and live my life as I would normally. Of course, he's dating someone so he does not contact me. But I know the time will come when he messes that up and he's single again.....he will try. The more time that passes, the better I am equipped to handle when it does happen.
In the meantime, I work on my recovery. Maybe if he does not pester you then you can stay but you've got to make it very clear to him that you want no contact. You may even consider writing it in a letter.....makes it seem more real.
Much love!

Tazman53

Hi goldenleaves I am Martin a recovered alcoholic, just my 2 cents worth on this, but geography never resulted in a cure for alcoholism, some how I doubt it would help being a codie.

It sounds as though you are happy where you are at, just finish dealing with him and move on.

elizabeth1979

It was my home legally, not 'ours' although that matter is still an issue over a year later..but anyways..

I packed up my furniture, took a company transfer, moved my office, change the locks, put his stuff on the porch, and went on down the road.

Did it help, yes. I had new memories, new surroundings, etc and most important...self esteem from doing something so hard that I knew I wanted and needed. Thats the key. He still found a way to move here, harass me, call me from crackhouses, beg for help, apparently the streets here are warmer..whatever.

The old saying, wherever you go, there you are..applies to codies too.
I wanted my move to make him go away. It didnt. The man had no job, no money, no bank accounts, no credit cards, nothing..and managed to find someone to give him $$ for a move 2000 miles away to ...thats right, 'work it out with me'.

I said no. He now works less than one mile from my house. Coincidence, I think not.

Do what works best for you..but moving, doesnt make the problem disappear.

Bjen

You posted: "I feel like a heel. If this were any other friend I'd be in there supporting them if I could. But I know contact helps neither of us."

I had many discussions with my therapist about thinking like this. What I realized is I don't have any other "friends" in my life who treat me the way he did, and if they did, they would no longer be my friends. It took a lot of work to understand why I thought he was my friend when all his actions proved otherwise.

Absolutely Denny. I have to remind myself of stuff like that. I feel selfish when I say "What about me?" or "Would he do that for me?" But yes, I don't have any other friends that take more than they give. The only one was him and he's not my friend. Friends don't continually hurt you and be sorry and hurt you again. Thanks for saying that.

I agree also that if you are only moving to get away from him then stay where you are. The longer you have no contact with him the easier it will be if you do run into him somewhere. Or, make a list of the pros and cons of moving and see what turns up. I heard from a counselor friend of mine that if you have a major "trauma" sometimes it is best to make as few changes in your comfort zone for a while. Until you get yourself OK in your mind. Otherwise, it can end up more damaging in the end.

I too have thought about moving. But I love my home, my friends and my job. He screwed up and needs to leave, not me. I worked hard to build my own security and tried to ruin it, I won't let him again.

That is just my thought. Take care Golden Leaves.

B

minnie

Hi there, goldenleaves, and welcome.

I moved. 220 miles away. The level of manipulation had got so bad and my heart had always been back in Yorkshire, and my family were there. I came home to lick my wounds, and boy did they need some licking. Thing was, I was running towards something, rather than just simply running away. I have had strong thoughts int he recent past about moving elsewhere, and I may do yet, but I know it has to be for the right reasons. "Doing a geographical" is a tool not confined to drinkers.

Denny, I truly think that sometimes we are connected on a psychic level. I was pondering my response to another thread on my way home today, and I had exactly the same thought. I would not stand for the behaviour I received from R from anyone else in my life, friend or family. Do it to me once, shame on you, do it to me twice, shame on me type stuff. Of course, no-one else in my life is as sick as him.....

Take him out of the equation and them make your decision. I have heard that writing about a decision until you feel the tears ***** is a good way of working out what is in your heart.

minnie

Ha!!! I just love the naughty word detector on here!

goldenleaves

Hi everyone, thanks so much!!!

Denny, how true. Just last night I was speaking to a friend and related feeling like a heel etc, but then I did add that of course none of my other friends have treated me this way (not being there for me but always at the pub or drinking even if they know I need support etc etc), and they agreed it was ridiculous that he should now expect me to be there yet again just because he is hurting over something he did to himself (leaving me several times).

And yes, I think alot of it is probably just quacking. He no doubt is feeling extremely alone and uncared for at the moment (sheesh and I'm not hurting like crazy over all of this??), but he has also blocked out our normal circle of friends, and is choosing to relate only to his mates at the pub and one other really off the wall A friend.

As my friends last night said, he could be ringing us for help and not bugging you (they were close friends in the past so are still willing to help him - but not for much longer I think), he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

If I take him out of the equation I feel absolutely no need or have no reason to move anywhere.

Another friend also put it like you have, when they said maybe if you had a job or something to go to, but why move if you don't and you have everything here that makes you feel comfortable?

I have been clear about the no contact, ie I don't want to talk to you or see you, but perhaps not harsh enough. And when he got really desperate a few days ago saying over and over he couldn't stand this no talk and seeing rule I did text back reinforcing that it was what was best for both of us (first response for a long time).

BUT of course I shouldn't have texted at all - it was late and I was really tired, and he just got the best of me. Haven't replied since then. Haven't seen him for 3 weeks, and that was a quick visit by him to my place to pick up some stuff he had left there. He went by there last night, but I wasn't home (he texted me saying he was sorry I couldn't bear to look at him now - I wasn't even there!)

Thanks again everyone. Your replies have all given me food for thought.

Cecilia

I stayed mostly out of redheaded contraryness. I didnt do anything so Im not running.

I dont think you can move away from your problems. Eventually they wlll track you down and find you.

You have so much where you are. Why would you want to leave.

Besides whats to stop him from following. Youre not going into witness protection are you. <smilie>

kglast

((GL))) nice to meet you and welcome. I don't really have anything to add to the great advice already posted. I guess I am lucky that my A lives 1 1/2 hrs away so I cannot drive over or see what he is doing or risk bumping into him somewhere. Thank God for that.

Best wishes to you - don't make any quick decisions - there is no rush....it is a LOT to think about, i know...a lot of us are struggling too...thank God there are those who have made it to the other side - and DENNY - love your response. I agree completely - if anyone else treated me the way A did, they would no longer be my friend.

Take care GL and keep posting!

Janitw

Hello Golden and welcome.....in reading your thread I have to say that YOU have answered you own question....You said that you are farther ahead now monetarily and in alot of other ways than what you have been in the last 9 years.....well hunny....see that? Your own words have answered your question. Why give him power by running away. You set your boundary which is no contact....stick to it...even if its right in front of him. Show him the real woman you are. You know? The one with the backbone???? Don't you go anywhere....stay right where you are in the comfort of family, friends and money...after all isnt this what makes the world go round? Like its been said many many times....the best revenge is to live and live well....but what good would it be if he didnt "see" it? Know what I mean?

I am living in the very home that my XAH and I shared and raised our children in for the past 17 years and let me tell you - the triggers are all around me and alot of the time I feel that the memories are gonna be the end of me BUT I stand strong to what I have....I fight back the tears all the time but its getting better by the day....the tears dont last as long....there isnt one blade of grass on this 6.5 acres that he and I havent walked on and still I refuse to buckle - I won't give in - even tho I know how much easier it would be for me if I did. And just for the record - I have no family or close friends in this small town at all....and I still wont leave....

Take care and stay strong....keep to your convictions hun.