thiskidknows

I'm meant to be away from the boards and I apologise, I've just found out my mum knew about my abuse from my father and she knows more then she will tell me. she says she feels guity, although through counselling she realises its not her fault, I feel messed up even more..its like she's sayin she knew but choose to do nothing and when guilt set in she cleared herself and left it with me.

it explains so much, why she is the way with me, but its hurting like hell. I've drunk alday, I've smoked coke, I've tried to stop how much its hruting but it won't ease. I told her in my last text that I needed out, and her response u will be at peace in heaven with Roger (my uncle who committed suicide at the same age I am now). she doesn't care, she didn't show anything.

I have nothing left to stay for, life will never be the same, I was cursed from day one and I guess this is gods way off saying its time to exit. Sorry. I don't know what to do, I want so much right now to take all the pills, I don't want to see my birthday i don't want to remember anymore. I can't deal with this.

Anna

Lost Child,

You have friends here who care about you and love you.

You cannot change what happened with your mother and you cannot make her accountable for what happened. That is her choice. What you can do, is make the choice to move on and live your life. And, it is a choice you can make - to take care of yourself and love yourself.

cyberwolf

Lost thank you so much for posting and the fact youare shows you want to share the pain and anger. None of us here can take that away from you but we can try to help you deal with it all. Don't beat yourself upp over what can not be changed. HOWEVER tomorrow can take a different path from today...you can only change your future.

YOu cant change what your mum did or didnt do no matter how much you'd love to, but please hang in there in 8 hours it will be morning here, a new day, you can talk to your counsellor, in the meantime if you need to post, if you need to phone the samaritans, talk as much as you can.

I cant change things for you but wish I could, and I am sure many opthers on SR feel the same. Post some more , post some poetry. You have fought so much for so long, just keep hanging in there honey. We care.

XXX

thiskidknows

Please I would never blame my mother, nor any of my family, or any of them. I wouldn't blame them It was my own fault, It was me cause I was different from everyone else. I would never hurt anyone, or anything, that's not me. I wouldn't hurt them.I've phoned the smaritans and was told its my choice, and they right. I can't live like this. I can't do this anymore. my hearts broken why was I born, why did she have me, why didn't she kill me instead why why why. I don't want to feel anymore. sorry.

Alive

No it's not your fault you were abused...there are good people and bad people...i am sorry but you are not on the bad people category....who abused you is....do not put the guilt on yourself....it's not your fault...unless you stop living in guilt...you won't let it go..Lost you need to tell yourself it's not your fault....

Alive

And who's in the world to say you are not worthy to be on this land.God put you here, he has a plan for you...He loves you and i know deep down you need a hug.Here's mine.......

Jules62

Lost child-I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now.

One thing I realised after my suicide attempt, years ago, was that-it wasn't that I actually wanted to die-I just wanted the pain to stop-and I couldn't see another alternative right then.I completely understand not wanting to feel anymore-but dying isn't the only option.I'm 20 years on from that time and the pain has lessened.I'm not healed completely by any means-but I'm not in that horrible dark place either.

I believe you can get through this-even though you feel hopeless and despairing right now.

I'm sorry I can't help you more-but just know so many here do care about you,

Love, Rosexox

marle

Lost, My mother was abused when she was a child from one of her many stepfathers. Her mother knew and was jealous. Her mother ended up forcing my mom to marry someone twice her age so that she could get my mom out of the house. My mom was 15. My mother left her abusive husband with her only child when she was 20. Went to her mother and begged her to help her with the child until she could get on her feet. Her mother's words were "You made your bed, now sleep in it." My mother had to let her ex-husband have the child. When my mom got on her feet and went back for her daughter, her ex had filed with the courts for full custody and charged my mother with abandonment. Because the visits were so painful, her ex finally told the girl that her mother was dead and my mom never saw her daughter again. My mom married my dad (an alcoholic) and raised 4 children with him. On my mom's 39th birthday, her mother committed suicide. My mother is such a good person despite everything that happened to her. How she managed to stay sane was her belief in God and her belief that things always happen for a reason. I will bet that you are a really good person too. You do not have to define who you are by what your mom is doing to you. Maybe she just can't give you love because she can't love herself. Fight for your life and your right to be loved. Give yourself the love that she can't. Saying some prayers for you. My mom is a great person, but she had to go through hell in order to be who she is today. Hugs, Marle

Toomutch

Lost I am so sorry that you are in so much pain, I wish there was something I or anyone else could do to make it go away.

What your mother did was awful in my opinion; but dont let her actions ruin you. You were a victim in all of this and this is your chance to start to recover and heal.

All the cards are now on the table now and whan the pain goes away I pray the healing will begin.

(((((Lost Child)))))

~Toomutch

JEI2950

Lost , Please take some time to love and care about you , try not to look for sympathy and concern from those who may have underlying issues of thier own and may be incapable to even see or assist you with yours .I have never told anyone this but , my sweet Baby . Wife2be has also been abused at the hands of family members , at one time she was very bitter and had flashbacks , resentment ,suicidal thoughts ect. , and we had been together for almost a year before she told me. I felt helpless watching her go through this as I do for you ( I am so sorry that you continue to have such a hard time . ) Mabey a year or less had passed after Wife2be , first told me of her nightmare and we were attending a Family BBQ and I asked her (very reluctantly ) if the family members that took advantage of her were in attendance ( of course I only wanted to know exactly who's ass I was going to kick for hurting her so badly. ) and she said yes they were and that she didn't want me to confront them , and she wouldn't say exactly who was involved but she did say that she holds no resentment anymore because she had to forgive them in order to live , It was more of an importance that she let go in order to recieve all the blessings in her life , to show appreciation for what she has for a lack of better words .When she let go she began to feel love again ,to value herself ,her self esteem rose .Those people who hurt my baby saw her as an object , something that could be used and thrown away and she saw herself in that way too ,but when she forgave and let go she began to and continues to blossom into something so much greater , It may not be the solution for you and I didn't offer this as an easy answer , just a very personal story from your friend letting you know that you are not alone . mad love for you, LOST. Please try to stay strong ?? JEI

Change4life

Lost drinking and drugging as a way out will only make you feel more lost.

Be kind to your self.

Smoking coke has absolutely no benefits cept for that 2 second feeling which isnt worth the trouble.

Coke ruined my life dont let it ruin yours.

teej

lost, I just read all of what you and everyone wrote on here, and I think you have a lot of friends here that want you to stay here alive, blossom into the women that God has intended you to be. Learn to love yourself.........then just think, there's nothing you cant do after that! you will that man in your dreams, the one who WON'T hurt you, the one that will love you unconditionally (he's there waiting, and he's a good man, God has this in store for you......to be truly loved) and you will be able to throw away the past, yet at the same time learn from it and be able to help others who are in your shoes now. I know thats looking ahead, and we're supposed to take it "one day at a time", but I think in this case we CAN look ahead, what about you???

OK girl, I'm going to go finish the work that I started, cuz now it looks worse than before I started, I have so much stuff to put back in it's place. Please write back soon. And thank you so much for your PM, I wrote you back and gave you my email incase you just feel like talking. I'll be here for you!!!!!

thiskidknows

Its difficult to love yourself when u feel that u are the person that people who hurt u made u become, the things I do to numb out to forget the memories, the things I don't do because I'm scared, fearful..the way I react, interact with people. Just yesterday at counselling, I had to wait in the kitchen a man walked in and I froze, started shaking, i wasn't due to see my counsellor for another 5 minutes, I couldn't deal with it, my counsellor came into get a drink of water, and must have noticed as she asked me to come up with her, and wait in the counsellor room why she finshes something off. I'm a nervous wreck when I see men and I've not had a drink or a smoke of thing to calm my nervous, I don't want to be like that. Sorry I'm going on. going to take a breather I think and clean the house although I've just spent 4 hours cleaning. I have to keep moving, I can't stop or the thoughts come in. why can't I just be normal. why does it have to affect me, its not happening anymore and it hurts more then it did then.