WhatAboutME

So my AH hasn't been living with me since early April. He has lived in his car, in the woods and most recently with his Mother about 1.5 hours away from me. Our contact has been minimal as he is never sober. He has been drinking all day, every day so his Mother tells me. I have been doing a pretty good job of moving on with my life, compared to the past ten years, anyway. I recently got all the paperwork necessary to file for a divorce and seperated our finances long ago. I have been doing more things for myself such as working out, going out with friends, going to the beach and even have a vacation scheduled in July with a friend from college.

To make a long story short, the loan for "my" SUV is actually in my husband's name. But, of course, I make the monthly loan payments. Anyway, I went to the credit union today to try and get the loan transferred into my name and they could not because we were already upside down on the loan. Yeah. They could not even add me to the loan. So I said, "You won't add me to this loan, he could care less about paying for this car or the effect it will have on his credit?" Nothing they can do. I can continue to make the payments and when I want to sell or trade in the vehicle, I will need my husband present / signature / etc. And if he drops dead (not too far-fetched at this point), I don't own the car and would be stuck. Nightmare.

So I call him to tell him the news. He's slightly lucid. And do you know what he said? He said, "Do what you have to do for YOU. Take care of yourself. If you can't afford the truck, just let it go. It's my credit. I'm so far gone right now, just let me go."

Guess I haven't detached quite as much as I thought. Even he picked up on my codependent traits, despite being half in the bag.

I do know it's time to let go. And yet when I get out the paperwork I need to work on to start divorce proceedings, I am overcome with guilt. Like I'm kicking him while he's down. And in reality, he could care less about our marriage right now. He could care less if he lives or dies.

Guess I'm still hanging on, even if by a thread, which is actually an improvement compared to my grip of death just a few months ago. Even as I sit here realizing that I HAVE to let go, my eyes begin to well with tears. Not so much at the loss of our marriage and what "could have been", but because I realize that he may very well die. And I know that would happen with or without me, but all of a sudden, it seems so real. And I wonder if he'll die alone somewhere in some seedy hotel room or in some vacant wooded lot. These are the thoughts going through my mind that keep me stuck in this state of guilt.

How do I let go and be at peace with my decision? I feel like I need him to get well to have closure, but I know that's just me trying to control the situation.

Today has been a bad day.

WhatAboutME

Or maybe I'm afraid that he will reach his bottom and begin to pick up the pieces of his life after I'm gone. And maybe he didn't need me as much as I thought he did.

hopeangel

i'm heartbroken just reading your post i can't even imagine how terribily difficult it must have been to hear those words from him.

don't it just stink to have to just let them go? if you love them let them go - i guess that is the saying anyway.

humm, maybe your attorney can help you with this? he might be able to tell you what you can do to get the car in your name or since you talk to his mom maybe she can get him to sign the car over to you?

lots and lots of hugs today!!!

CE Girl

(((((Whataboutme)))))))

I can so relate to where you are right now. I'm coming to the same conclusion about my A. And it makes me very, very sad. His MO these days fluctuate between emotional abuse to "I'm about to lose it". Meaning, he is thinking about dying.

It breaks my heart. The codie in me wants to save him. Its so hard to know intellectually that I can't, but emotionally, I wonder, "how can I handle it if he dies". Will I EVER be able to forgive myself?

I FORGET I did nothing wrong!! In fact, I did EVERYTHING in my power to prevent his demise.

Theres comes a point, where we ALL have to take responsibility for the consecuences of our actions.

You know that saying? "You come into the world alone, and thats how you leave it"? What it means to me, is sort of an atonement. We are given the "gift" of the ability to love. People in our lives to enrich and fullfill it. While we're on this earth, it is up to us to foster those relationships. Treasure them and be grateful for the gift. But in the end, we are left with ourselves. Theres no better truth than that.

In the end, our A's will be left with themselves. To face the truth or go off into the next "phase" still in denial. Nothing anyone or anything in this mortal world can say or do will change that.

Its hard, but I keep saying to myself,,

YOU are not responsible

As far as the "things" (car, house, money, divorce ect) your a smart girl, you can figure em out

Its our codie way sweetie, we want to save.

Peace

Bjen

I know how you feel. I hate that. I'm sorry for it. Hang in there. I know it is hard.

TexasGirl

Hi there,
It's very difficult for me to not get stuck in a guilt trap when I allow myself to think about all the bad situations that he could be in. When I sit around tormenting myself with thoughts of him crying over his loss of me, or him crying sitting in his rehab center, etc., I can drive myself crazy! When I allow these thoughts, I cry, feel bad, and worry. It may be running from the situation in a way, but I have found when I don't sit and stew in these negative thoughts, I feel better. I think that's my coping mechanism for now, and maybe I will be able to process those feelings better later. I don't know, and I don't know if that's even important! The one thing I do know is that I can either freak myself out, or I can not freak myself out. It's hard....I know. I have also found that if I don't speak to him, after a week or so, I don't even think much of him anymore. It's only when I have talked to him that these thoughts start brewing again. Sometimes it is better to pretend that everything is okay.....at least for a little while.

Cindi R

Don't know about the car loan, but with the house...he had to sign a quit claim deed at the courthouse. His name is still on the loan, but I'm paying it. I guess if something happened to me he'd still be responsible to pay? They won't let me refinance it just in my name either.
He also ruined my credit by not making his last 2 or 4 Harley payments...then I had to file bankruptcy cause I was left with all the credit cards as well. No child support ever...
Finally it got to be too much.
He's still out there, been gone 4 years or more now...

Rella927

(((WhatAboutME)))) I know it is hard-I do send hugs many of them to you-

As TexasGirl said it is hard not to get stuck in that guilt trap! I know because I have allowed myself there many times! Speaking for myself I know it is because of the similiar feelings that you have-and feel at times that I have not detached much eithier-"the thoughts start brewing as TG said and it is hard to get out of it!

Remember as hard as it is that you need to find the closure for yourself-do what you need to do to find that peace-from your posts I have seen that you are a strong individual and the answers are there-you will find them and get your peace and closure. It is very sad to watch them go through what they go through-just send prayers out there and remember the strength you had to pull away and use that to restore the peace into your life.

Talk to the lawyer and maybe this will be the start of your closure for you...

What ever happens with him you need to remember they are his choices and you did what you could with the hand you were dealt and there was nothing more that you could do. I feel for you hon-it has been a bad day for me too!

Hang in there and remember YOU-
(((hugs WantsOut)))

Mr. Christian

No such thing as closure, I think a dose of reality is more like it.

Truth be told, he does not need you .
Let it go, you are doing ok.
Be glad you got out of the woods.

WhatAboutME

I don't really care about the car loan. I thought I could transfer the loan into my name, but it didn't work out. I'll continue to pay the monthly payment and deal with selling or trading the car in when the time comes. Oh well, It just sparked a conversation with him about our "finances".

The other day I was driving and actually started thinking about his funeral, who would attend, who would speak, what people would say, how they would remember him, etc. I even imagined getting a call in the middle of the night from the police to identify his body. Morbid, I know. The rational part of me knows that I have done everything humanly possible to help this man, but my heart hurts at the thought of him losing his life to this disease. I don't want him to be remembered as the lying drunk. His name is Jason. He has so much to offer, if he only believed that himself.

MsGolightly

WAM, i'm so sorry you're going through this. my ex always said "just let me go" when she was drunk, but funny, never when sober. hm...

i think about things like how my ex will die all the time. i picture her life many years from now, i picture what she'll turn out like, what people will think of her, and it really makes me incredibly sad. i have tears in my eyes now just thinking about it. but the fact is, i tried so hard to stop her from becoming a mess and someone that people will laugh at. someone who will spend every night in a bar or drinking alone. it's just sad, and some of it IS her fault. we can't make someone become responsible or want to live. the best we can do is move on for ourselves.

Tally

It's such a pity they don't believe it. :o(

Seeking Wisdom

I understand completely. One day, suddenly the hard cold reality hit me that I was actually going to lose my husband due to assorted new serious health problems ... and it hit me like a freight train. I had been so upset and angry for so many years with his self destructive behavior ...but in a flash I went from frustration to devastation. I had known he was sick for some time ... however, there had not been anything imminent ... but one day I just realized he was so sick there would be no turning back and the time he had left was most likely very limited. The reality of his death overwhelmed me as it all became so very real... no longer some vague concept. I told our sons that we would probably be losing their dad within 6 months in order to prepare them .... but sadly instead of 6 months, he passed away 2 days later. All the anger was gone ... just an enormous sense of loss of what he could have been... and knowing there would be no more second chances at turning his life around.

WhatAboutME

(((OMG, Seeking Wisdom, I'm so sorry.))) And that is exactly how I feel today. All of a sudden I just feel completely devastated by his fate (if he does not accept recovery soon). It's like I was told that he died or has been diagnosed with a terminal illness that gave him "x" number of months to live.

I try to be optimistic that he will eventually get it, for him. But, the last time I saw him, he was very thin and his legs and ankles were very swollen. His Mother tells me that he has started hallucinating lately when he's drunk. One night last week he was convinced that there was a drive-by shooting at the house right next door and that he spoke with police "snipers" in the yard. He's been an alcoholic for many years, with varying degrees of functionality, but since early February he has gone down hill very, very fast. He's just so toxic at this point. So very sad.

CE Girl

I am humbled Whataboutme and Seekingwisdom. AS I read your post, it all of a sudden became clear to me, why I have to let go of my A.

I was married for 23 years to my childhood sweatheart. Yup, we married young. When he was 23 he was diagnonsed with Hogkins Disease. A long and trying battle ensued. He died when he was 43.

When he was diagnosed, I had the feeling you speak of. I know the feeling, and it does just come to you. Hard to explain unless you expereince it. I was very young. But I vowed then and there, I would make sure what life he had left would be lived ten fold. My goal was for him to "squeeze it all in".

That required TREMENDOUS sacrafice on my part. A loss of self, my core. In the end, it was worth it, as I had more life to live. What little I gave, I could get back. He had one very short shot. Still when he died, it was VERY hard to figure out who I was.

I know the pain

I can not be with my A, because I can not make that sacrafice again. ESPECIALLY when he can DO something about it!!!

It's VERY hard for a codie to admit a weakness.

We all live differnt scenerios, no matter how hard we try to explain here. Only we know, "when it comes to us" what we can tolerate. There is no guilt if you stay or if you leave. The inevidable will happen no matter what.

There are no words that can console things that are out of our control.

Peace

Seeking Wisdom

WhatAboutME ....your husband's situation sounds fairly serious.
All my husband's many years of drinking caught up with him in a very short period of time. He developed serious memory lapses and confusion ...sometimes forgetting what day it was. He also had developed vision problems, digestive problems ...and what he thought for months was weight gain, turned out to be fluid retention that finally appeared in his ankles and legs after causing his stomach to swell. It was then he finally found out he had significant liver damage creating what they call "ascites" for the fluid retention. He went on diuretics and lost 60 lbs in about 6 weeks and still had ample fluid in his abdomen ... he was frightened by the seriousness but still couldn't stop drinking. He was also developing jaundice around his eyes. It was during this time I realized that the end of his life was inevitable and it would be just a matter of time ... he was too sick to recover. I couldn't believe how hard it hit me ... I also couldn't believe how I no longer felt any anger or resentment towards him .. just tremendous sadness and pity at how very helpless and sick he had become and knowing his life was ending so tragically - this is not how I ever imagined his life would turn out when I first married him. I came to realize that no matter how far gone I thought he was, I had always felt there was a little bit of hope he could still turn his life around .. and very suddenly all that hope was gone and his tragic journey through life was over forever.

dollydo

You can make the vehicle title part of the divorce settlement, that you get the SUV upon the judgement of the divorce. I would talk to your attorney about this.

cautious

My best wishes, WAM. Would it be possible for you to buy the vehicle from him for what's left on the loan? Then, you'd own it, and his loan would be paid.

WhatAboutME

The vehicle cannot be refinaced because it is already upside down in terms of what is owed compared to NADA value. No big deal. I'm thankful that I have the car and can afford the monthly payment and insurance w/out his help.

On a side note, I read your post about your husband's passing SeekingWisdom and just about had a complete meltdown. The note on the front door...That is my fear. I lost my father a few years ago due to complications from a lifelong battle with diabetes. During the last year of his life, he was very sick, his kidneys had completely failed and he was on dialysis. He had been admitted to the hospital for a pneumonia. I talked to him on a Thursday evening. He was scheduled to be discharged the next day. He died early that Friday morning. When I got home on Friday evening from being out of town on business, there was a message on my answering machine to come to the hospital ASAP - There had been a turn for the worse in my father's condition. He had slipped into a coma. Within 48 hours, I made the decision to d/c life support. I knew this is what he wanted and I knew he had fought hard during that last year and was tired. As hard as that decision was, I felt at peace. I fear I will never find that peace with my husband's condition and his inevitable prognosis w/out treatment.

CBrown

WhatAboutMe

Thank you so much for your post. I have not heard from my ABF for a few days, so I sit here wondering. Not blaming myself, not tearing myself up, but wondering. I think he's about in the same stage as your AH. I know what you're going through, because I've been there. I will not give up, though. I know many have given up, and I respect their decision. But I will never give up praying and hoping, over and over. Keep up your good fight.