Struggling bad today
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Struggling bad today
I am in pain today as everyday. Cant get the proper sleep because of it. I feel like total crap from the inside out.
I have money and could very well get access to my truck if I really wanted to.
I am having anger issues. Angry over nothing. I just have a very short fuse.
My stomach hurts so bad right now. I feel sick. I want to get high.
Why would I want to get high after last week?
I just want to scream.
I am miserable and cranky.
Right now I am just trying to suppress the urge to get in my truck and go pick up.
So I am just trying to lay down and sleep the best I can.
Time is dragging today.
I have my appt with OP tomorrow.
I have my interview for the big job I have been talking about next week.
My grams is home and safe.
So WTF is the problem??
I hate drugs so much but yet they take all this away.
I have money and could very well get access to my truck if I really wanted to.
I am having anger issues. Angry over nothing. I just have a very short fuse.
My stomach hurts so bad right now. I feel sick. I want to get high.
Why would I want to get high after last week?
I just want to scream.
I am miserable and cranky.
Right now I am just trying to suppress the urge to get in my truck and go pick up.
So I am just trying to lay down and sleep the best I can.
Time is dragging today.
I have my appt with OP tomorrow.
I have my interview for the big job I have been talking about next week.
My grams is home and safe.
So WTF is the problem??
I hate drugs so much but yet they take all this away.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Chiynita,
You just made it back from a suicide attempt while high. Your grams just came home from the hospital. You're recovering emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is a very big deal, and I think it's normal to want to run from it all, and to get high. Remember that - how you feel is normal - but acting on it - knowing the consequences - that wouldn't be the right thing to do.
Can you not contact the OP people, even though your appt isn't until tomorrow? It sounds like you are in crisis, and need to talk to someone NOW.
Keep talking, keep venting - we are here, we hear you, and we care.
You just made it back from a suicide attempt while high. Your grams just came home from the hospital. You're recovering emotionally, physically, and spiritually. This is a very big deal, and I think it's normal to want to run from it all, and to get high. Remember that - how you feel is normal - but acting on it - knowing the consequences - that wouldn't be the right thing to do.
Can you not contact the OP people, even though your appt isn't until tomorrow? It sounds like you are in crisis, and need to talk to someone NOW.
Keep talking, keep venting - we are here, we hear you, and we care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Yes, I agree with Rowan on all counts.
Don't underestimate how much you have through recently and how much of an effect it can have on your life. And, do call OP place and let them know how you are feeling and see what they can offer.
And, keep posting and reading here. I think it will help to keep you calm and give you strength.
Don't underestimate how much you have through recently and how much of an effect it can have on your life. And, do call OP place and let them know how you are feeling and see what they can offer.
And, keep posting and reading here. I think it will help to keep you calm and give you strength.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
i think I will be fine on the picking up part. I just woke up from a using dream as well.
I just need to sit here and shake it off a minute.
But the pain in my stomach is so unbearable at times.
No pain meds. Just Motrin and Ibuprofen to calm that. Not working well.
My grams told me I need to quit being so negative about life.
It is like a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde thing.
One day life is good and I cant wait to start living right. The next is like whats the point This is how I have been for years. I will never be able to change.
I keep thinking that the only thing worse than attempting my life was surviving it.
That thought right there just sickens me more.
I am just having a bad day.
i dont think there is a whole lot OP can do right now without probably commiting me somewhere. I dont need or want that.
I need to be here with my grams. Not just because she just got out of the hospital too. But for my own sanity.
Thanks you guys. I feel a little better.
I just need to slow down and really think about the situation instead of the old quick to react way I am use to doing it.
I just need to sit here and shake it off a minute.
But the pain in my stomach is so unbearable at times.
No pain meds. Just Motrin and Ibuprofen to calm that. Not working well.
My grams told me I need to quit being so negative about life.
It is like a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde thing.
One day life is good and I cant wait to start living right. The next is like whats the point This is how I have been for years. I will never be able to change.
I keep thinking that the only thing worse than attempting my life was surviving it.
That thought right there just sickens me more.
I am just having a bad day.
i dont think there is a whole lot OP can do right now without probably commiting me somewhere. I dont need or want that.
I need to be here with my grams. Not just because she just got out of the hospital too. But for my own sanity.
Thanks you guys. I feel a little better.
I just need to slow down and really think about the situation instead of the old quick to react way I am use to doing it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I was unaware of your suicide attempt and I just want you to know how grateful I am you failed. Believe me there are days you are gonna feel like crap, but it does get better.
when I look back at some of my feable attemts I am so grateful I didnt do it.
Keep in mind almost everything in life is temporary.
Havent you ever had a problem and you think your world is going to end, but then things get better. Then you say to your self I cant believe I freaked so bad over this situation, Thank God I didnt take my life.
Please try to talk to someone today if you can. I agree with everything Rowan said.
Please take care of yourself. We have never met, but I know if anything bad happened to you I would be extremely hurt and upset.
Hold on and take it slow. If you ever feel the need to Pm someone dont hesitate to PM me I will always answer.
Take care of yourself.
when I look back at some of my feable attemts I am so grateful I didnt do it.
Keep in mind almost everything in life is temporary.
Havent you ever had a problem and you think your world is going to end, but then things get better. Then you say to your self I cant believe I freaked so bad over this situation, Thank God I didnt take my life.
Please try to talk to someone today if you can. I agree with everything Rowan said.
Please take care of yourself. We have never met, but I know if anything bad happened to you I would be extremely hurt and upset.
Hold on and take it slow. If you ever feel the need to Pm someone dont hesitate to PM me I will always answer.
Take care of yourself.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thanks everyone.
I am going to go see if my cousin is home. Just a walk to the next road. Hang out with her for a little while and maybe play with the baby will help some.
Bfree..Yes. It always seems like when it cant get any worse that eventually I pull through and it is like a big relief and feeling of what was that.
But this is my first and only attempt at suicide. I think stabbing urself 5 times in the stomach is far from feeble.
I dont mean that how it sounds. Cause it sounds like me being a little rude. By far it is not.
I just think alot of people including myself ....when they touch on that subject it is more a cry for attention or help and are really alot of times just half assed attempts anyway.
I have played with the idea before. I have seriously thought about acting before. But never have I ever doen like I did last week.
Am I insane too?
Who does that and can say they are stable?
I dont remember alot of it. But having the cajones to slam a knife in yourself repeatedly has got to be ...well..Crazy.
But I was also up for 3 days smoking crack....Lost my job...Stole money from the safe....Had a bunch of family here for a bday party that day. Ate over 200 pills. 60 of them being xanax.
So alot plays into that.
I am glad I didnt succeed.
All I can remeber is my grams running in and crying what did you do.
She told my dad at the hospital that she has done all but bury me.
She is having her own health issues. I would kill someone for looking at her wrong. I know if I would have died that day. She would have never recovered from it. That women has already given up so much for me.
I better get it together. I need to cherish what time I have left with her.
These dam drugs. I wouldnt wish this crap on my worst enemy.
Well again TY all. I am gonna go see my cousin.
I will be back later on.
I am going to go see if my cousin is home. Just a walk to the next road. Hang out with her for a little while and maybe play with the baby will help some.
Bfree..Yes. It always seems like when it cant get any worse that eventually I pull through and it is like a big relief and feeling of what was that.
But this is my first and only attempt at suicide. I think stabbing urself 5 times in the stomach is far from feeble.
I dont mean that how it sounds. Cause it sounds like me being a little rude. By far it is not.
I just think alot of people including myself ....when they touch on that subject it is more a cry for attention or help and are really alot of times just half assed attempts anyway.
I have played with the idea before. I have seriously thought about acting before. But never have I ever doen like I did last week.
Am I insane too?
Who does that and can say they are stable?
I dont remember alot of it. But having the cajones to slam a knife in yourself repeatedly has got to be ...well..Crazy.
But I was also up for 3 days smoking crack....Lost my job...Stole money from the safe....Had a bunch of family here for a bday party that day. Ate over 200 pills. 60 of them being xanax.
So alot plays into that.
I am glad I didnt succeed.
All I can remeber is my grams running in and crying what did you do.
She told my dad at the hospital that she has done all but bury me.
She is having her own health issues. I would kill someone for looking at her wrong. I know if I would have died that day. She would have never recovered from it. That women has already given up so much for me.
I better get it together. I need to cherish what time I have left with her.
These dam drugs. I wouldnt wish this crap on my worst enemy.
Well again TY all. I am gonna go see my cousin.
I will be back later on.
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
My friend!
We are not always going to have days that are happy, joyous and free, but we can deal with each day and the reality in which is handed to us. I know that for me I always thought that everything always had to be happy and that isn't reality or at least not mine. I am so glad that you are here. One thing that helps me when I get into the negative thinking is to get up and do something different and that is only if I remember to do it
I know that you are doing the best that you can and that is great. Don't be so hard on yourself. OK
With Love and Respect
Vic
We are not always going to have days that are happy, joyous and free, but we can deal with each day and the reality in which is handed to us. I know that for me I always thought that everything always had to be happy and that isn't reality or at least not mine. I am so glad that you are here. One thing that helps me when I get into the negative thinking is to get up and do something different and that is only if I remember to do it
I know that you are doing the best that you can and that is great. Don't be so hard on yourself. OK
With Love and Respect
Vic
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Ok..I feel so much better. Sux it took all day to feel that way. But like Vic said. It's not always gonna be a walk in the park. I guess I better get use to it.
My stomach is still killing me. But I am just gonna lay down with the heating pad. Seems to work better than the Motrin.
My cousin and her family just left. So that cheered me up.
It wont be so hard once I get my OP going and mainly these medical complications.
Thanks everyone for putting up with me.
My stomach is still killing me. But I am just gonna lay down with the heating pad. Seems to work better than the Motrin.
My cousin and her family just left. So that cheered me up.
It wont be so hard once I get my OP going and mainly these medical complications.
Thanks everyone for putting up with me.
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