I'm Barely Breathing
Or However You Spell It....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I'm Barely Breathing
One step forward and 10 backwards. In recovery we learn about boundaries, taking care of ourselves and letting go and letting God. It's my understanding that by setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and letting go of that which we have no control over we are esentially taking care of ourselves.....or are supposed to have more time to focus on ourselves.
I'm stuck and I'm not sure how to put it into words. I've realized I seemed to do so much better when I isolated myself from anyone close to me. The reason? I always seem to be upsetting someone........no matter what I do or say I'm disappointing someone close to me.
I'm spreading myself thin trying to "please" everyone in my life and I seem to be losing myself in the mix once again. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't breathe! I haven't felt this way since winning the "hoop jumping" award with my exabf.
I could go on and on about everyone's expectations of me, but the list seems to be sadly long. I don't know if my reaction to try and please everyone stems from my codependency issues or it's a total other issue of it's own.
I've also figured out why being alone doesn't bother me like it does most and that's so I don't have to deal with "doing the right thing" by someone elses's standards or expectations of me. If this sounds confusing it's because I am.
I'm not a bad person, but I find that I can make those closest to me extremely angry or disappointed in the blink of an eye. I fall short of their expectations of me. I'm worrying constantly about everything I say and do because I don't want to hurt, anger or disappoint anyone. I can't be myself.........if I even knew who I was to begin with. On one hand I'm a woman who knows exactly what she wants, but on the other I'm a woman who doesn't have a clue what it is she wants and feels she makes her choices based on everyone else's happiness.
Inside I feel cold and withdrawn............like I'm constantly trying to protect myself from any pain that could possibly come my way. I know that started when I was dealing with my exabf. I'm still afraid to let anyone completely in and as a result I'm shutting people out..............or forcing them out. I don't like where I'm at in my head right now.
How do you get past this? ........or has anyone ever felt this way?
I'm stuck and I'm not sure how to put it into words. I've realized I seemed to do so much better when I isolated myself from anyone close to me. The reason? I always seem to be upsetting someone........no matter what I do or say I'm disappointing someone close to me.
I'm spreading myself thin trying to "please" everyone in my life and I seem to be losing myself in the mix once again. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't breathe! I haven't felt this way since winning the "hoop jumping" award with my exabf.
I could go on and on about everyone's expectations of me, but the list seems to be sadly long. I don't know if my reaction to try and please everyone stems from my codependency issues or it's a total other issue of it's own.
I've also figured out why being alone doesn't bother me like it does most and that's so I don't have to deal with "doing the right thing" by someone elses's standards or expectations of me. If this sounds confusing it's because I am.
I'm not a bad person, but I find that I can make those closest to me extremely angry or disappointed in the blink of an eye. I fall short of their expectations of me. I'm worrying constantly about everything I say and do because I don't want to hurt, anger or disappoint anyone. I can't be myself.........if I even knew who I was to begin with. On one hand I'm a woman who knows exactly what she wants, but on the other I'm a woman who doesn't have a clue what it is she wants and feels she makes her choices based on everyone else's happiness.
Inside I feel cold and withdrawn............like I'm constantly trying to protect myself from any pain that could possibly come my way. I know that started when I was dealing with my exabf. I'm still afraid to let anyone completely in and as a result I'm shutting people out..............or forcing them out. I don't like where I'm at in my head right now.
How do you get past this? ........or has anyone ever felt this way?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Loves remember there anger lies with them. I spent my whole life the same way, trying to meet everyones expectations and only upsetting them and letting them down more. My counselor taught me happiness lies within, stop doing things to please others and do for you. At first it comes across as selfish and unbalanced, but in a little time it all balances out.
I still overall do better when I isolate, but Im getting better at reaching out, and not all involved in me. This weekend my family noticed a change for the beter and commented on such.
It takes time and theres always bad days, (Thats why my new best friend is a rat)
Keep working on you and doing things that make you happy, try to let go of what others expect
I still overall do better when I isolate, but Im getting better at reaching out, and not all involved in me. This weekend my family noticed a change for the beter and commented on such.
It takes time and theres always bad days, (Thats why my new best friend is a rat)
Keep working on you and doing things that make you happy, try to let go of what others expect
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( loves )))
One of the hardest and BEST lessons I learned in recovery is this:
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Bizarre, but true. As codies, we tend to live our lives trying to please others, to "help" them in their lives so they don't have to feel any discomfort, and to put everyone else's needs in front of our own.
Recovery teaches us that we have to be selfish, and to take care of ourselves first. We have to let go of others and allow them to live their own lives... to make their choices and to experience the joys of their own consequences.
When I first set boundaries, I felt really horrible. I was telling someone, for the FIRST time, what I could and could not accept. HE didn't like it... not one bit. Fortunately, I had a good sponsor and a circle of supportive recovery friends who helped me to set and enforce reasonable boundaries. Little by little, one day at a time, I got better at it. Now, instead of feeling BAD when I set a boundary, I feel GOOD because I know I am taking care of myself.
As for feeling isolated, cold and withdrawn? I totally understand. When I finally ended a long and painful relationship with my exH, I had to isolate a bit in order to focus on myself. I thought of my time alone as time for healing. I made it a goal to be happy, healthy and whole... in that way I would be a better person and perhaps a better partner when I was ready to move on.
Remember what they say - expectations are premeditated resentments. You're not responsible for meeting other people's expectations... but a simple caveat to that is to not agree to do things you're not willing or able to do. Next time someone asks you to do something - try saying "can I get back to you on that?" You'll have some time to think and to decide if it's really something you want to do or just something you're doing to "make" someone else feel better... which you can't do anyway. You don't have that much power.
Go easy on yourself. You've been thru a lot lately.
Hugs,
Cats
One of the hardest and BEST lessons I learned in recovery is this:
What other people think of me is none of my business.
Bizarre, but true. As codies, we tend to live our lives trying to please others, to "help" them in their lives so they don't have to feel any discomfort, and to put everyone else's needs in front of our own.
Recovery teaches us that we have to be selfish, and to take care of ourselves first. We have to let go of others and allow them to live their own lives... to make their choices and to experience the joys of their own consequences.
When I first set boundaries, I felt really horrible. I was telling someone, for the FIRST time, what I could and could not accept. HE didn't like it... not one bit. Fortunately, I had a good sponsor and a circle of supportive recovery friends who helped me to set and enforce reasonable boundaries. Little by little, one day at a time, I got better at it. Now, instead of feeling BAD when I set a boundary, I feel GOOD because I know I am taking care of myself.
As for feeling isolated, cold and withdrawn? I totally understand. When I finally ended a long and painful relationship with my exH, I had to isolate a bit in order to focus on myself. I thought of my time alone as time for healing. I made it a goal to be happy, healthy and whole... in that way I would be a better person and perhaps a better partner when I was ready to move on.
Remember what they say - expectations are premeditated resentments. You're not responsible for meeting other people's expectations... but a simple caveat to that is to not agree to do things you're not willing or able to do. Next time someone asks you to do something - try saying "can I get back to you on that?" You'll have some time to think and to decide if it's really something you want to do or just something you're doing to "make" someone else feel better... which you can't do anyway. You don't have that much power.
Go easy on yourself. You've been thru a lot lately.
Hugs,
Cats
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
loves, like cindy said, their anger and all that is not your problem. You have to be true to yourself and do what makes Kris happy. I isolate too, but I also have no problem saying no, and If I don't want to do something I don't usually don't do it. I am on the other side, like I could give two "sheets" what anyone thinks about me. I try hard to do the right thing and if I fail I say that I am sorry and thats it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Loves,
Given all thats occurred I think what you are saying makes a lot of sense.
I struggle with the role of Mom, Mema, sister, daughter, friend, GF, ex-wife (twice!), professional...just where am "I" in that mix?
Slowly, and I mean slowly, I am starting to emerge.
I wasn't put here just to care for others...I have to remind myself to take care of me. Lately that means trusting my feelings and decisions rather than immediately trying to please others.
And as long as I define myself by what others think, I will stay in the scuffle...and I don't want to.
It takes a lot of guts to take back control (hell, I don't even know exactly when I lost it).
But I'm making baby steps.
Think about it hon...your interests span cities, counties and states...everyone wants a piece of you.
If you can't please everyone, then the only option left is to please ourselves.
I'm struggling with you hon...I'll let you know if I find the answers
((((hugs))))
Cece
Given all thats occurred I think what you are saying makes a lot of sense.
I struggle with the role of Mom, Mema, sister, daughter, friend, GF, ex-wife (twice!), professional...just where am "I" in that mix?
Slowly, and I mean slowly, I am starting to emerge.
I wasn't put here just to care for others...I have to remind myself to take care of me. Lately that means trusting my feelings and decisions rather than immediately trying to please others.
And as long as I define myself by what others think, I will stay in the scuffle...and I don't want to.
It takes a lot of guts to take back control (hell, I don't even know exactly when I lost it).
But I'm making baby steps.
Think about it hon...your interests span cities, counties and states...everyone wants a piece of you.
If you can't please everyone, then the only option left is to please ourselves.
I'm struggling with you hon...I'll let you know if I find the answers
((((hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Boy can i relate.Spent most of my life checking out other peoples reactions to see if im ok or not.
There is a book,not recovery related,but that has helped me out alot and through his teachings,im no longer bonded to needing anothers approval.Its ok that they get mad,because i dont own their anger.Super book,by Dr.Wayne W Dyer,called,,Your erroneous zones.In the book he explains the why,of it all and teaches ways to let go of others thinking and feelings about us.And helps one to learn to be--themselves,and to love oneself,regardless of the good opinions of others.its really helped me...
Thanks for letting me share,
There is a book,not recovery related,but that has helped me out alot and through his teachings,im no longer bonded to needing anothers approval.Its ok that they get mad,because i dont own their anger.Super book,by Dr.Wayne W Dyer,called,,Your erroneous zones.In the book he explains the why,of it all and teaches ways to let go of others thinking and feelings about us.And helps one to learn to be--themselves,and to love oneself,regardless of the good opinions of others.its really helped me...
Thanks for letting me share,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Loves, not that what I think should matter either, but I have to tell you that when I read your post above, I had to look twice to make sure it was you.
What I see in your post is a woman who has grown up, in life and in recovery. I see someone who really is discovering who you are and what you want from life, and the struggle I see is the other people trying to adjust to the "new you".
I've been there, and I had to remember that it was me that changed, not them, and that confused the hell out of almost everyone who thought they knew me. Old buttons could no longer be pushed and the new buttons were all mine. I didn't have to compromise my values or my dreams or who I really was, I just had to have patience with those who loved me and were trying to adjust to the new person I was becoming.
Some could not do that and we drifted to a more distant safer place, but those who respected my values and my feelings were those who became even closer because of it.
We were both pretty sick people when we began this journey of recovery and as we heal and grow we are no longer the person we used to be, nor do we want to be that scared, angry person anymore.
As Cat said, what others think of me is none of my business. That sounds bizarre until you reach that place in recovery where you "get it". We can't control what others think, we can only be the best person we know how to be and stand up for ourselves and our values...even when we stand alone.
Some people love me, some think I'm okay, and others will never like the person I am...and that's all okay with me because I don't like every person I meet either. As long as I am a good person and do the best I can and stay true to myself, I know I am okay in my heart and God's eyes.
"To thine own self be true" is a slogan of our program and it really expresses the path to serenity and personal freedom.
Be true to yourself, Loves. Be the best person you know how to be because that's important to "you". You don't have to be the best person others want you to be, that's all about "them".
Life is short, be happy.
Hugs
What I see in your post is a woman who has grown up, in life and in recovery. I see someone who really is discovering who you are and what you want from life, and the struggle I see is the other people trying to adjust to the "new you".
I've been there, and I had to remember that it was me that changed, not them, and that confused the hell out of almost everyone who thought they knew me. Old buttons could no longer be pushed and the new buttons were all mine. I didn't have to compromise my values or my dreams or who I really was, I just had to have patience with those who loved me and were trying to adjust to the new person I was becoming.
Some could not do that and we drifted to a more distant safer place, but those who respected my values and my feelings were those who became even closer because of it.
We were both pretty sick people when we began this journey of recovery and as we heal and grow we are no longer the person we used to be, nor do we want to be that scared, angry person anymore.
As Cat said, what others think of me is none of my business. That sounds bizarre until you reach that place in recovery where you "get it". We can't control what others think, we can only be the best person we know how to be and stand up for ourselves and our values...even when we stand alone.
Some people love me, some think I'm okay, and others will never like the person I am...and that's all okay with me because I don't like every person I meet either. As long as I am a good person and do the best I can and stay true to myself, I know I am okay in my heart and God's eyes.
"To thine own self be true" is a slogan of our program and it really expresses the path to serenity and personal freedom.
Be true to yourself, Loves. Be the best person you know how to be because that's important to "you". You don't have to be the best person others want you to be, that's all about "them".
Life is short, be happy.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Loves I totally understand what your talking about cause I do the same thing all the time cause I'm a people pleaser. I hate it sometimes well most of the time. I find myself saying "yes" to going out to dinner at places I hate just so I dont upset other people. I always go out of my way for others to make sure they are happy. Then no one ever says thank u or thanks for going out of your way. They have come to just expect it from me and boy it just makes me SO unhappy. I wish I could say NO to things I wish I didnt care if people were happy with me I just wish I could be ME and people would like me for who I really am. Unfortunatly thats not how the world operates.
Everyone else is happy and I'm miserable I dont know how to snap out of it. I also notice when someone does one little thing for me they expect to be praised for doing it and when I dont they get upset???? I cant win. I feel sometimes I've lost myself who I am and who I used to be. Its frustrating I really miss me sometimes I know I am in there somewhere. I really miss alot about me. I am slowly learning to say NO to things I dont want to do and I realize if people do get upset its for a short while. I dont know how to let go of everyones happiness depends on me. No matter how hard I try and go out of my way sometimes it isnt enough. I guess to some my best will never be enough and I just have to learn thats ok. Hard to do. When my own personal happiness depends on it I guess its the difference of being miserable on the inside smiling on the outside OR Being happy on the inside and really smiling on the outside. I'm slowly working on it. I will find my inner bitch and learn to say NO and just learn that only I can myself happy cause no one else seems to care. I wish u luck and u know I am always here to talk if u need me.
Everyone else is happy and I'm miserable I dont know how to snap out of it. I also notice when someone does one little thing for me they expect to be praised for doing it and when I dont they get upset???? I cant win. I feel sometimes I've lost myself who I am and who I used to be. Its frustrating I really miss me sometimes I know I am in there somewhere. I really miss alot about me. I am slowly learning to say NO to things I dont want to do and I realize if people do get upset its for a short while. I dont know how to let go of everyones happiness depends on me. No matter how hard I try and go out of my way sometimes it isnt enough. I guess to some my best will never be enough and I just have to learn thats ok. Hard to do. When my own personal happiness depends on it I guess its the difference of being miserable on the inside smiling on the outside OR Being happy on the inside and really smiling on the outside. I'm slowly working on it. I will find my inner bitch and learn to say NO and just learn that only I can myself happy cause no one else seems to care. I wish u luck and u know I am always here to talk if u need me.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Loves....
You participate here a lot. You are engaged and engaging. You seem like a person who can walk into a room of folks you don't know and be ok (maybe you wouldn't ENJOY it initially, but I don't think you're the fainting kind...smile).
I say that to ask this... Have you considered any face to face meetings? Finding a group nearby and getting a sponsor to help you work through the 12 steps?
The biggest change, for me, was a study group of AA/Alanon women who decided to study the 12 Traditions.
I didn't even know what those were! I knew about the steps, and knew those were to help me know ME better. But what I discovered about the traditions, was they helped me relate to YOU better. Imagine that - a whole set of instructions just for that.
The book our group used is "Paths to Recovery" - it is an Alanon book with chapters followed by questions at the end of each chapter. We would read a chapter, then each person would answer, from their own experience, the questions at the end. The really enlightening part was that with so many women in the room, we got LOTS of different responses... I learned a lot.
My codependency is a big part of who I am and why I develop the sort of realtionships I do. Conventional wisdom is that codependency is made, not born... but I believe there are parts of my personality that I was born with that made this codependency more likely for me. The more I learn about how others relate in the world, the easier it is for me to make small changes.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
You participate here a lot. You are engaged and engaging. You seem like a person who can walk into a room of folks you don't know and be ok (maybe you wouldn't ENJOY it initially, but I don't think you're the fainting kind...smile).
I say that to ask this... Have you considered any face to face meetings? Finding a group nearby and getting a sponsor to help you work through the 12 steps?
The biggest change, for me, was a study group of AA/Alanon women who decided to study the 12 Traditions.
I didn't even know what those were! I knew about the steps, and knew those were to help me know ME better. But what I discovered about the traditions, was they helped me relate to YOU better. Imagine that - a whole set of instructions just for that.
The book our group used is "Paths to Recovery" - it is an Alanon book with chapters followed by questions at the end of each chapter. We would read a chapter, then each person would answer, from their own experience, the questions at the end. The really enlightening part was that with so many women in the room, we got LOTS of different responses... I learned a lot.
My codependency is a big part of who I am and why I develop the sort of realtionships I do. Conventional wisdom is that codependency is made, not born... but I believe there are parts of my personality that I was born with that made this codependency more likely for me. The more I learn about how others relate in the world, the easier it is for me to make small changes.
I wish you the best. ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
awww loves,
i just wanted to give you a hug - i used to be so worried of what others thought of me and my choices - i think i used to be a different person before i lost a child - once that happened i realized that trying to be all things to all people was futile - i was always bound to **** somebody off - i could only be the best person i could be by trying to do the right thing in my eyes - if it made someone else mad that was their problem, not mine - i never judged anyone before but always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt - i still tend to do that but now my time is a little more valuable - to me at least - i'm more picky about where i set my priorities - taking a salad to the picnic isn't high on my list of what *needs* to get done - but if that's something fun to do today i'll do it - does that make any sense?....
i hope you take care of you - whatever you decide to do be ok with what you decide - and if you don't feel like making any decision don't - most things can wait...
love,
s
i just wanted to give you a hug - i used to be so worried of what others thought of me and my choices - i think i used to be a different person before i lost a child - once that happened i realized that trying to be all things to all people was futile - i was always bound to **** somebody off - i could only be the best person i could be by trying to do the right thing in my eyes - if it made someone else mad that was their problem, not mine - i never judged anyone before but always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt - i still tend to do that but now my time is a little more valuable - to me at least - i'm more picky about where i set my priorities - taking a salad to the picnic isn't high on my list of what *needs* to get done - but if that's something fun to do today i'll do it - does that make any sense?....
i hope you take care of you - whatever you decide to do be ok with what you decide - and if you don't feel like making any decision don't - most things can wait...
love,
s
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
People pleasing is a common codie trait having to do with having people like us and
once you realize, this is MY life and I plan to live it well so *I* feel okay with me, others can and do react.
Being alone with yourself is a positive way of coming to know yourself better.
It's okay to be the wonderful person you are and others can learn to adjust. This is the one life you have to shape for your own best and greatest good. Keep keeping on, let yourself be yourself whatever others may think. You've earned the right to thrive and be happy.
once you realize, this is MY life and I plan to live it well so *I* feel okay with me, others can and do react.
Being alone with yourself is a positive way of coming to know yourself better.
It's okay to be the wonderful person you are and others can learn to adjust. This is the one life you have to shape for your own best and greatest good. Keep keeping on, let yourself be yourself whatever others may think. You've earned the right to thrive and be happy.
You've come a long way baby! Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
nobody can please everybody. i too have that problem sometimes. no matter what i do it is not enough. i give more than i get. i am doing much,much, better. take it one day at a time & remember you are the most important person. we have to live with ourselves.i am like ann, i could not believe that you wrote that post.take care of you. hugs, hope
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
There because of this thread I did something for myself today and upset my family. I decided not to go see my sister in jail. My mom is upset cause it seems its my duty. No its not it was her duty to be a mother and not end up in jail. So I feel pretty good about it!!! I'm happy I dont have to drive 2hrs today and I can do something for myself!!!! Today its all about me and my happiness. Thanks for this thread really made me realize how miserable I'm making myself at the expense of other peoples happiness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
sending you lots of hugs ((((loves)))), i too struggle with trying to please everyone, then when i do what they want i realize how miserable i am, i think its all about staying true to yourself and remember that true friends will still love you no matter what you do with your life choices. one day at a time.....
Or However You Spell It....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Thank you all for your replies. I keep repeating "progress, not perfection" to myself over and over again today. I just hope for the day I can reach within myself and have the grace to put myself first while continuing to hold my head up high.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Kris, I have been thinking a lot lately about balance. I think it affects all areas of our lives. There was a time when all I did was worry about pleasing other people. Then I went the other way. Now I have found a kind of balance. Sometimes wisdom does come with age. It is only in the last few years that I have gotten to the point that what other people think of me is not as important as what I think about myself. I have learned to let go of a lot of things, both big and little. You are growing, girl, and feeling those growing pains. You are becoming more introspective and that is not a bad thing. Hang in there. Hugs, Marle
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
