Do i give him the space to try to quit on his own...and trust that he can??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
Do i give him the space to try to quit on his own...and trust that he can??
My ah wont except any help with his quitting his use..he believes he can do it on his own....in the past i have always said to him that he cant do it on his own..that he needs help..so am i actually making it harder for him....? He says he has stopped but i dont believe him because he still doesnt go to sleep at a normal hour..the ohter say i believe it was 5 AM...
Do i give him the space to try to quit on his own, and just let it be and whatever happens happens...i think HE thinks stopping is quitting for a week or two. and if he does a line here and there it is still quitting as long as he isnt using every day. In the meantime though, the finances are still a secret. He tells me there is $15, 000 in credit card debt..i believe it is more like $40,000, plus we have paid off alot more than that....
I am just way to into this..i need to go to meetings...that has to be my n umber one priority right now or else i will go insane with all this....
so do i give him his space and let him try to quit on his own.....and something will happen to tell me he is still using.....and then what??
HELP!!
Do i give him the space to try to quit on his own, and just let it be and whatever happens happens...i think HE thinks stopping is quitting for a week or two. and if he does a line here and there it is still quitting as long as he isnt using every day. In the meantime though, the finances are still a secret. He tells me there is $15, 000 in credit card debt..i believe it is more like $40,000, plus we have paid off alot more than that....
I am just way to into this..i need to go to meetings...that has to be my n umber one priority right now or else i will go insane with all this....
so do i give him his space and let him try to quit on his own.....and something will happen to tell me he is still using.....and then what??
HELP!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
There came a point, where I just stopped saying anything to my AH. No pleading, crying or anything would have made him stop. I was saying to myself, I need to start thinking about me and our child.
He did stop on his own - he had like no access to any money at one point. He stopped his daily use in June - did he use every once in awhile I think he did and that lasted to I think November or before, but he hasn't used since. He use to tell me that going to meetings would make him want to use more. He tried meetings in the beginning of last year - after a meeting he did use with someone else that was there.
The amount of money that has been lost makes me sick - I try not to think about it, I do still take extra money and put it in a separate account when I can.
Trust me there will be days even months from now where you will question if he is using. I still do - anytime my RAH starts sniffling alot I wonder "is he using again". I don't know if the feeling ever goes away - or when he goes out I wonder is he going to use or is he even going to come home. But at this point I feel like I just don't care anymore, I don't have the energy to worry about him.
I don't think there is anything you can say to him. If he stops it has to be because of him. I really don't think there is anything you can say to make him stop using.
This is what I did, I gave my RAH his space, I stopped asking questions, all he did was lie anyway. I started to take care of me, did what I wanted. There were days I would take our son and just go out for the day. I made sure all my bills were paid, I didn't worry about his credit card bills, if he didn't give them to me I didn't pay it.
Take care
He did stop on his own - he had like no access to any money at one point. He stopped his daily use in June - did he use every once in awhile I think he did and that lasted to I think November or before, but he hasn't used since. He use to tell me that going to meetings would make him want to use more. He tried meetings in the beginning of last year - after a meeting he did use with someone else that was there.
The amount of money that has been lost makes me sick - I try not to think about it, I do still take extra money and put it in a separate account when I can.
Trust me there will be days even months from now where you will question if he is using. I still do - anytime my RAH starts sniffling alot I wonder "is he using again". I don't know if the feeling ever goes away - or when he goes out I wonder is he going to use or is he even going to come home. But at this point I feel like I just don't care anymore, I don't have the energy to worry about him.
I don't think there is anything you can say to him. If he stops it has to be because of him. I really don't think there is anything you can say to make him stop using.
This is what I did, I gave my RAH his space, I stopped asking questions, all he did was lie anyway. I started to take care of me, did what I wanted. There were days I would take our son and just go out for the day. I made sure all my bills were paid, I didn't worry about his credit card bills, if he didn't give them to me I didn't pay it.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
You have to give him his space and focus on you, otherwise the only result is you'll drive yourself crazy.
The only thing I can say is he'll quit when he's ready and not a moment sooner, ou have to watch his actions and avoid listening to his words
The only thing I can say is he'll quit when he's ready and not a moment sooner, ou have to watch his actions and avoid listening to his words
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Dainedwife,
I worked myself into insanity by trying to stay in my AD's life and "help" her get clean and sober. Nothing, I say NOTHING worked. It wasn't until I got out of the way did she start really working on herself.
It took me a long time to realize that my 'helping' was only hurting. I enabled my daughter to stay in her addiction.
Drained, it's so confusing, I know. But all I know is that by attending meetings and reading on this board did I get the courage to get out of the way and let my daughter's HP get to her. Then they, together, could start working on her recovery.
And trust me, you'll know all that you need to know when it's time. There is no way to figure out addiction. Let him handle his recovery and you start concentrating on yours ... yep, that's what I was told at meetings.
So where's the next meeting near you?
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
I worked myself into insanity by trying to stay in my AD's life and "help" her get clean and sober. Nothing, I say NOTHING worked. It wasn't until I got out of the way did she start really working on herself.
It took me a long time to realize that my 'helping' was only hurting. I enabled my daughter to stay in her addiction.
Drained, it's so confusing, I know. But all I know is that by attending meetings and reading on this board did I get the courage to get out of the way and let my daughter's HP get to her. Then they, together, could start working on her recovery.
And trust me, you'll know all that you need to know when it's time. There is no way to figure out addiction. Let him handle his recovery and you start concentrating on yours ... yep, that's what I was told at meetings.
So where's the next meeting near you?
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
In the meantime though, the finances are still a secret.
To protect yourself, you may have to do some detective work to discover what is owed... getting copies of the credit card receipts online might help you see what are the recent charges, if that will help you "know" that he is still using.
What I know about most addicts, is that even when confronted with absolute PROOF (one lady here took poloroid pictures of her addict with the crack pipe and paraphernalia on his chest while sleeping) ... even with proof, they deny. In fact, the lady with the picture was accused of somehow staging the entire thing to make her addict look "crazy". Suddenly, she was part of a conspiracy and was out to "get him".
Denial is huge... I know I found it so baffling that my kids could not see (and one still cannot see) the depth of the addiction. Constantly claiming that using drugs is "normal" and should be legalized and WILL be legalized any day.... just quacking.
(((DrainedWife)))) <--- this means hugs. A big smooshy one... prayers that you can be filled with comfort and peace. You deserve some.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I think it might help ease your mind to see that people stop using everyday but its such a struggle. Go over to the substance abuse board and read T_A_N_Y_A's thread today she quit 3mos ago from a daily coke habbit she did it without any help just her own will. Her bf still accuses her of using but she knows shes not. Its frustrating on both sides. I have been on both sides. I can tell u nagging. Questioning. Playing detective did nothing to make me quit it was ME who wanted to and when I was ready I did and not one minute sooner. Go check around over there and see people quit and really want to quit and stay quit. Might ease your mind some. Gotta let him go and let him do this on his own nothing u say or do will make a difference. Its his will and desire that will get him to quit and stay quit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
so i understand about getting out of the way so he can find his own way in stopping. but without anything in place to help him "cope" with stress, isnt it more likely that he will just pick up and use again?
Also, during this time that i am "getting out the way" he wants me be a "loving wife"...how do i do that when im still thinking he is using..it makes me so mad...and upset...i know i cant control him or his use, but a boundary is to not use in the house and when i think he is i get angry. But if i dont have proof, how can i keep my consequence...my instincts may tell me that he is using because he is not sleeping, or i may see a little white powder residue in his office...but since he keeps that room such a mess...it could be from a week ago or so.... But if Im not a "loving wife" he cant stand it. ANd then there is so much tension in the house is so high because hes not happy and it makes life miserable...i can detach easily, but without love...Its too hard for me to detatch with love.
HELP!!!!
Also, during this time that i am "getting out the way" he wants me be a "loving wife"...how do i do that when im still thinking he is using..it makes me so mad...and upset...i know i cant control him or his use, but a boundary is to not use in the house and when i think he is i get angry. But if i dont have proof, how can i keep my consequence...my instincts may tell me that he is using because he is not sleeping, or i may see a little white powder residue in his office...but since he keeps that room such a mess...it could be from a week ago or so.... But if Im not a "loving wife" he cant stand it. ANd then there is so much tension in the house is so high because hes not happy and it makes life miserable...i can detach easily, but without love...Its too hard for me to detatch with love.
HELP!!!!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Drained,
The only way I learned how to live with addiction (and the answers to all your questions) was by attending meetings and reading here.
You and your husband did not get this way overnight and it's not going to get better overnight. But you can take a baby step today toward working on your own recovery.
And your husband is going to do what he's going to do no matter how loving or how unloving a wife you are. He will like to blame you or put the focus on you so he doesn't have to look at himself. If you learn anything today, just remember that.
Bottom line is it doesn't matter if you have proof. Get the focus back on YOU and what you can do to make your life better today. Maybe call a friend and plan an outting. Do you have a hobby? Do something with it. Maybe go for a walk to just clear your head. ANYTHING to get you out of his business and back into yours.
I know it's hard, Drained, but the answers do not come all at one time. Recovery is slow. I just know I didn't start getting better until I got the focus on me. I did that by giving myself the gift of meetings and reading on this board and listening to folks who are making the 12 step program work.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
The only way I learned how to live with addiction (and the answers to all your questions) was by attending meetings and reading here.
You and your husband did not get this way overnight and it's not going to get better overnight. But you can take a baby step today toward working on your own recovery.
And your husband is going to do what he's going to do no matter how loving or how unloving a wife you are. He will like to blame you or put the focus on you so he doesn't have to look at himself. If you learn anything today, just remember that.
Bottom line is it doesn't matter if you have proof. Get the focus back on YOU and what you can do to make your life better today. Maybe call a friend and plan an outting. Do you have a hobby? Do something with it. Maybe go for a walk to just clear your head. ANYTHING to get you out of his business and back into yours.
I know it's hard, Drained, but the answers do not come all at one time. Recovery is slow. I just know I didn't start getting better until I got the focus on me. I did that by giving myself the gift of meetings and reading on this board and listening to folks who are making the 12 step program work.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
He wants you to be a loving wife...you can't right now and need time.
You want him to get help, he can't right now and needs time.
Time will tell...on both fronts.
I begged my son to follow a program, he said he didn't want to, that he preferred his way. I'd like to say I stepped out of the way but to be honest, I exhausted myself "helping" and trying to be a good and loving mom.
Eventually my HP pushed me out of the way.
I made a deal with son...ok, if your way fails, and if you still want to call this your home, my way is plan B. He agreed.
It turnes out his way was the better way for him. He worked through it, did alot of what was recommended in rehab: change people, places, things etc., and somehow came out the other side.
You, on the other hand have the harder decision...how long can you wait?
Keep the focus on you, not what he wants of you, and not what he's doing and things may begin to be clearer.
(((hugs)))
Cece
You want him to get help, he can't right now and needs time.
Time will tell...on both fronts.
I begged my son to follow a program, he said he didn't want to, that he preferred his way. I'd like to say I stepped out of the way but to be honest, I exhausted myself "helping" and trying to be a good and loving mom.
Eventually my HP pushed me out of the way.
I made a deal with son...ok, if your way fails, and if you still want to call this your home, my way is plan B. He agreed.
It turnes out his way was the better way for him. He worked through it, did alot of what was recommended in rehab: change people, places, things etc., and somehow came out the other side.
You, on the other hand have the harder decision...how long can you wait?
Keep the focus on you, not what he wants of you, and not what he's doing and things may begin to be clearer.
(((hugs)))
Cece
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Good for you for recognizing YOU need to go to meetings and find your way out of the "insanity" of the addict/codie merry go round. Meetings were the answer for me.
I found a wonderful sponsor and started a healing journey.
AH will do whatever he decides and you cannot change him. Keep focusing on you and the things you can change.
Yes, take a good look at your financial situation and protect yourself. It's something you can do as many here have done.
Hugs
I found a wonderful sponsor and started a healing journey.
AH will do whatever he decides and you cannot change him. Keep focusing on you and the things you can change.
Yes, take a good look at your financial situation and protect yourself. It's something you can do as many here have done.
Hugs
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