stone

Just 2 days sober and already my sick brain is trying to tell me -'things are quite normal really, going to AA seems a bit weird maybe I can do it by myself'.
It is only 4 days ago I was virtually screaming in pain from my stomach and was going numb down my left arm, couldnt eat or sleep, could barely drink water. Crawling to the toilet for one reason or another. The mental anguish I cant even begin to describe-just sheer hell.
A few days before that I was stood in hospital pulling an IV out of my hand and pouring blood all over the place as I discharged myself from the hospital.
Before all that I was out of mind on vodka on a two week bender, hating it, having blackouts and passing out, in the end I felt as crazy as and as full of self hate as I ever have in my life.
Since february this binge quit cycle has been getting worse and worse and if it carries on it will kill me or send me permanently crazy, and completely alienate the people I love. I will be alone and heading downwards unable to cope.
Somewhere in there I called AA and have been to one meeting and am going to another tonight and I find the idea of it very alien to me and a bit scary too. Maybe my 'bottom' isnt as low as some peoples but I want this to be my 'bottom'. God, I hope it is.

Alive

Yes use the rock bottom you already have! There is no end to destruction.I searched for a rock bottom for a long time, didn't find it, every time kept finding something more destructive...Stone it's gonna take time but you are sober..nothing is better than that..believe me i know! If you need to go to every AA meeting there is..

stay strong you're worth it mate!

cyberwolf

Hi Stone,
Karims right, alcohol and the brain are funny combination, I just can't get my head round the fact if we really injured ourselves doing something like we got cut or burnt we would make dam*sure that for the forseeable future maybe forever we wouldnt do that thing again that caused the pain. BUT alcohol causes us (never mind everyone else) a lot of pain and something makes us think "ah well I feel fine again a couple won't hurt"

I'm kind of struggling a bit with that concept just now. But you have started the right road mate, you have your suppost network there (alien though it may seem) and let that guide you.

You are worth it
Stay strong

x

Aysha

You know? I think for some people like me there is no bottom.
I can so relate to what you just posted here.
Standing in the hospital ..feeling sick and being in agony and pain from these self inflicted wounds.
May they be physical or otherwise.
I think when we relize we do have a problem and are willing to at least try to make it better. Bottom does not need to be tested.
For me it's like throwing a rock in a bottomless pit. Because if it wasnt. Why would I keep going to the next extreme?
I know the alien feeling your talking about.
But you know? I look around at all that alien surrounding.
IE: Program..meetings...and such.
Adn I see that it is working for most of the ones working it.
So I am going to give in and play Indiana Jones and tread into the unfamiliar and see if they havent got something there.
I see no bottom for me. Excep the one at the bottom of my grave.
And I am not willing to feel that one just yet.

Dee74

Yep, Stone...that little voice sucks....I'm nearly two months sober and all it can say is the same old crap with a few new tweaks:

'hmm...maybe you weren't an alcoholic after all...you've re-learnt self control...you can surely have a couple now and again...and hey you've got SR now...even if you did get into trouble again you got them to pull you out'...

difference is now I know it's BS. Talk to the Hand !!

D

ps Chiy, I know what you mean re bottom...but go 'Indy' !!

Rusty Zipper

stone'y we do too our friend...

xxoo ya stone'y

Lollipop

((((Stone))))

Your doing great, you know that what your hearing in your head is the addiction....keep fighting!!!! You never have to detox again!!

Liss

gypsytears

Stone, these things do not have to happen... although you do see that they will if you don't stop.

AA is feels alien to you only becasue it's new, as is wanting to be sober. It takes some time to adjust to sobriety. Give yourself a chance to develope this new way of life. Change your behavior (drinking to not drinking) and your actions (going to AA) and see what happens.

Rowan

When you hear yourself saying 'things are quite normal really, going to AA seems a bit weird maybe I can do it by myself' GET MAD and kill those thoughts! By now, you have heard that alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful and PATIENT. Alcoholism is a disease that tells you that you don't have one.
You were right to ponder what you've gone through, especially since February - and make no mistake, if you pick up, you'll be right back there (and worse).
We love you Stone. Hang on to those guys who have taken you under their wing - keep going to meetings, and if nothing else, SHARE with them how you are feeling.
Very very proud of you for doing this.

Rowan xoxoo

tyler

Hey Stone, I'm coming up on 30 days clean from pot, but only a couple from alcohol. I've finally admitted that I really do have a problem with alcohol. I'm a binge drinker. I don't drink much if I'm smoking, but since I quit that 1-2 times a week have become 3-4 times. Half a bottle of whiskey (and I know that's a lot) has become a whole bottle. I've never been able to wrap my arms around the 12-steps, but I've decided that perhaps it's because I never REALLY tried. An article Morning Glory posted in the Secular Connetions forum really spoke to me. I nodded my head through the whole thing until I got to the last paragraph

"The fellowship, interpersonal and social learning, and the spiritual and cognitive resources of 12 Step and other recovery programs can be of enormous assistance in helping the recovering addict to learn such new coping strategies. A kind of Catch-22 frequently develops here, however: many addicts are so impaired in their capacity to take care of themselves and manage their moods in a healthy fashion that even participating in an interpersonal recovery program may initially be beyond their resources. Thus it is often quite a challenge and stress for them merely to begin regular attendance at helpful support meetings – and many people who might benefit substantially from such meetings simply avoid them, offering as excuses for doing so a variety of familiar and predictable rationalizations. The characteristic addictive response is along the lines of "I’d rather do it by myself," an attitude that itself signals what is usually a longstanding difficulty in recognizing the need for help and in being able to request and accept it when it is in the best interest of the individual to do so."

I didn't like that one. But it really was true, just like the rest. So last night I decided to go to an AA meeting. Unfortunately, nobody else did!!! In the past I would have copped a resentment and used it as a excuse to drink or smoke, but I just shrugged it off, went home, got on SR and hung out for awhile. I'll try again Wednesday. Anyway, I hope you are hanging in there. Take care.

BTW, here's the link for the whole article.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-dilemna.html

CarolD

Mega Hugs Stone

My bottom was mental.
I remember the anquish and depression

By 3 months of AA recovery
my mind cleared and I was no longer in pain.

The fog lifted gradually.....began at 10 days of meetings.

Please give yourself time to heal.
Don't compicate AA....just go.

Prayers continue

Anna

I think recognizing the 'addict voice' is a huge step forward. Once you know what it is, you can deal with it. You will understand that it's seducing you and lying to you and you can move forward.

I hope this is your bottom and I hope that you find the support you need to stay sober.

stone

Thanks everyone, all wonderful posts that I will answer later, I leave in an hour so I better get ready.

Jules62

I am thinking of you Stone-I really hope the meeting helps.I'm on day 5 and craving a drink right now and it's only 10am but I'm fighting it and I am praying you will keep fighting too.Hang in there and know you are loved,

Rose xox

parentrecovers

how's stone?

stone

Hi Rose and k, I am fine thanks. Meeting was pretty good, I am going to another tomorrow!
There were some people there tonite who were at the last one I went to and they all remembered my name and came up and said hi. I talked to more people at the end this time and got some hugs and friendly words, I got a much more welcome feeling than last time.

parentrecovers

it took me awhile to warm up when i started going to alanon. now, months later, i have some pretty close friends through the group. keep going! blessings, k

stone

I wrote the first post as a reminder to myself for the future as I know the addict voice will get stronger as time goes by-

'things are quite normal really, going to AA seems a bit weird maybe I can do it by myself'.

I am so touched I got such meaningful and helpful responses, I just wanna say thanks. You are all great.

It still seems weird and alien lol. Totally against my whole personality to be there and I have been isolated so long it freaks me out to sit in a room full of people. It is also quite nice to be with people. Ok, I am rambling now.

Rusty Zipper

stone'y look around the room at your next meeting, just about everyone there has felt the same way as you stone'y... me included... ohoh, pay attention too... lol

blymy... lol, xxoo, rz

stone

Ya nutter RZ! lol!

Did I mention I am going again tomorrow night?