Talked to him

Old 05-28-2007, 06:51 AM
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Talked to him

Well, I broke my own no contact rule--again!

AH and I were both supposed to be at this centennial celebration in our town today and it was stressing me out. He was really excited about it and wanted to go together, blah, blah, blah. You know, keep up appearances.

Well, this morning he calls and he isn't so sure he wants to go. Of course, I bite and say, "Why?"

He says he has a busted lip. Why? He doesn't know but maybe it happened when he wrecked his truck night before last. Of course, he isn't sure where exactly he wrecked his truck or anything like that. He was able to drive it on home, but it has some damage.

So, now he thinks maybe he needs help. YA THINK?

He wants me to come over today and help him figure out what to do.

I've told him a 100 times what he should do. He is breaking my heart. It's so hard.

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Old 05-28-2007, 07:05 AM
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SISTA,,,,theres your "confirmation" girl,,,

You keep saying maybe it would be easier if you KNEW he was drinking again,,,,,

What now?

Peace
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:08 AM
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It was at this point in my relationship with exAH that I kept him at arm's length - wouldn't take his calls, rarely answered his emails. I think some of them let themselves spiral thinking that the codie will come save them. IMO to save them it must be made clear that no cavalry is coming. He's on his own baby, just like the rest of us poor schlubs.

Life on life's terms, mon. That includes all the As and codies in the world

BTW mine seems to be doing well now that he's working the program. Of course it's that or jail lol
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:24 AM
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(((Chero)))) - he must figure it out on his own if there is a chance in h**l it is going to be something lasting and real.

It is so hard not to go running over there, I know....are you sure he is not just trying to manipulate you into coming over?? Just a thought...
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by kglast View Post
...are you sure he is not just trying to manipulate you into coming over?? Just a thought...
I don't know, KG. I don't think he is drinking. Good grief. That ought to go down as the dumbest thing I've ever said.
Manipulation is what they do.

Originally Posted by WantsOut View Post
BTW mine seems to be doing well now that he's working the program. Of course it's that or jail lol
This is why I WOULD go over there. The what ifs. What if this time is THE time.
I know, if it is then he'll have to do it on his own. I can't save him. I know that.

Originally Posted by CE Girl View Post
What now?
I don't know???
I'd like to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head and disappear.
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:58 AM
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Grab them bootstraps girl and PULL YOURSELF UP!!!!

Remeber the facts

His truck is damaged

He has a busted lip

The conclusion? HE WAS DRUNK

Your gonna go over there full of what if's, and find he DID NOT!!!

And YOU my dear girl are going to bear the brunt of that. Twisting and truning till finally he has you convinced it is YOUR fault

You weren't even there

And going back to bed? Why? So you can wallow of course.

Nothing better than telling myself what a shi*** life I have

Poor me, no one understands but him. After all, it takes one whack-a-doo to know another

Fight through this girl. FORCE yourself. Put your nose in a book, go take a bath, walk whatever to take your mind off HIM and back onto YOU

Peace
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Old 05-28-2007, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by chero
What if this time is THE time.
If this is THE time, he won't need you to come over and "brainstorm" about what to do. If this is THE time, he will get on the Internet and find the closest meetings. If this is THE time, he will decide that he can't do it anymore and he won't do it anymore. If this is THE time, he will go forward whether you are there or not.

Right?

Actions not words.

There is plenty of time for you to stay back and watch his actions from afar. As my doc would tell me, if he's still calling you trying to prove to you that he's serious this time, then how on earth could he be giving it his best and being serious about recovery? My doc would continue to say that he is still making this about getting you back where he wants you, not about genuine recovery.

Have you started your therapy yet? If nothing else, my doc gives me great perspective. Once I see the other side of the coin, I feel much better.

(((Chero)))
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Old 05-28-2007, 09:38 AM
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Ok Chero time to get out the big guns.


What the he** you thinking?

Do you really like living with a drunk controlling your life?
I think you must.
We talk about the definition of insanity in Alanon.
“Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”
He seems to have you wrapped his finger.
I mean come on now, “I hurt my widdle lip. What should I do”

As I told you before, unless he is sober for a year why even talk about seeing him?

Give him the number to AA and tell him to grow up.
Get to a Alanon meeting Chero, and stop being the cheese to his wine.
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Old 05-28-2007, 09:55 AM
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Mr. C, I love it when you come to the board.
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Old 05-28-2007, 10:13 AM
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Chero, he must face the consequences of his own actions. That is part of his journey. You going back to him (or even being there for him via telephone/email) will SLOW down his recovery.

There is NOTHING you can do for him. His illness will try VERY, VERY hard to reel you back in since you are a force that allows it to live. The only way to treat the sickness is to starve it.
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Old 05-28-2007, 10:36 AM
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Maybe you going to the Centennial today (w/out him) would be a way to keep yourself busy. Tell him that AA is in the phone book, if he is serious about wanting help. (of course I know,easier to say than do! but I know you have it in you.)

Good luck and keeping you both in my prayers.
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Old 05-28-2007, 11:08 AM
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You see him.

He picks up a bottle.



I don't see much difference... both lead to chaos and destruction.

I wish you well. ((hugs))
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Old 05-28-2007, 11:14 AM
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Chero,

You are going to end up destroying you, unless you stop this craziness, again I say
"No Contact", what the heck is the rush to run back to him? If he stays sober for at least a year, works a program and truly embraces recovery, nothing, and I mean nothing is going to change. He crashed his truck because he was drunk.

Time to take off your rose colored glasses and face the truth, he is not in recovery, he is playing you.
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Old 05-28-2007, 11:18 AM
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Remember, you can only control your own actions. Nothing changes if you don't.
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Old 05-28-2007, 12:35 PM
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HUGS, Chero, It is hard, but so needed for him to get it.
Don't go. He knows where AA is.
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Old 05-28-2007, 12:41 PM
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Have you ever banged up a truck and not remembered how it happened?
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Old 05-28-2007, 01:04 PM
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Chero, is this the first time he said he needs help and doesn't know

what to do?

Well, tell him, get yourself into rehab and professional help...You can't

do it for him, but you can tell him you hope he gets help...

Best wishes chero, I know you have been through the ringer...

Hope3
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Old 05-28-2007, 01:06 PM
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I listened to all the promises and "normal" discussions while AH was sober. And I kept buying into what he was saying ... the promises, the nice things he would do for me, blah, blah, blah. As soon as I would agree to do something with him (picnic, parade, going out on our jet ski) and I'd knock myself out getting everything ready, he'd get drunk. And then he'd blame me for "blowing it."

Chero, either leave him alone or go back to him, okay? As Mr. C said, it's time to pull out the big guns. I'm all for supporting anyone who is struggling with their addiction to an addict. I'm also all for backing off and letting someone cave in and go back to their addict. So either sh** or get off the pot. You can drive yourself crazy playing cat-and-mouse with him and having occasional contact that leaves you emotionally freaked out or you can go back and live with him and submit to his abuse and control or you can ask God to give you the strength to leave him alone and let him choose FOR HIMSELF to get help if he wants it.
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Old 05-28-2007, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Mr. Christian View Post
What the he** you thinking?
What the he** indeed! I don't think I was thinking.

I went over there. I just needed to. It was a lot worse than a busted lip. He probably needed stitches in his face.

But I'll tell you it was almost cleansing for me to see him. Knowing he did all that whether I was there or not, knowing he did that even though he is on probabtion, even though he has been turned in to the licensing board for his last arrest, even though his wife has moved out. It was almost, I don't know what, liberating for me.

I suddenly realized I can move on now. I can't help him or change him.

I was finally able to tell him out loud my boundaries. His pleas, tears and begging didn't have any affect on me. It was so weird. I felt so removed from the situation.

When I left there I felt like I was finally going to be able to allow myself to move on without him.

Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
So either sh** or get off the pot. You can drive yourself crazy playing cat-and-mouse with him and having occasional contact that leaves you emotionally freaked out or you can go back and live with him and submit to his abuse and control or you can ask God to give you the strength to leave him alone and let him choose FOR HIMSELF to get help if he wants it.
This is where I'm at now, Prodigal. Off the pot and praying for strength. He has to help himself and I have to change my focus back to myself.
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Old 05-28-2007, 03:10 PM
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Good for you. Big picture, hon. This is your life and you have a responsibility to live it the full. As does he, however he has to figure that one out.
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