Bjen

It's been so long since I have posted. I finally got the computer at home working and then not working, now it is working. Who knows.

My A is mad at me again and I really don't care. I think I only care because I am afraid of how he will react to it. He is still in jail, probably til January. He was nice, nice nice but told me he wouldn't be able to write or call for a while. That ended up being 3 weeks (no money). So when he could call he was mad at me for not writing to him. What do I have to say? I can't tell him what I do because he gets mad. He gets mad if I give him small talk, he gets mad if I talk about my friends.

What he wants is to think is that I am laying on the couch crying for him as I always have for the last 16 years. I do miss him, I do love him. But that "him" is gone. He got drank to death. I know this because in his sobriety he is still mean to me. I know why he says what he does. Calling me names and telling me to go sleep with my forbidden friend is his way of telling me not to do it. Of testing me. He tells me he doesn't love me, he says I don't care. I finally agreed with him. I told him I don't care and I will call forbidden friend (which I did) and now A doesn't call me anymore.

I had written him a letter telling him how angry I am at everything in general. I didn't place blame on him. I told him all the ugly thoughts in my mind that I don't tell anyone. Things that no one needs to know because it is so ugly. I sent it to him but it was the wrong address. I didn't know that when I told him I had written him. He said he would just throw it away anyhow. I know he wouldn't but is it worth resending to the right address? I shouldn't open those gates again I suppose. I should just leave it as it is. Not talking to him is easier on me. But I feel bad for him. But I bet he doesn't feel bad for me or he would understand.

Lots of rambling here just to keep things shorter. Since I haven't written here in a while. I guess my thought is that he will come back anyway when he gets out. I can never live a life without fear of how he will react. I think my forbidden friend really does love me but is afraid to get attached to me because of my A and fear that he will come back. Forbidden is the one A called after he beat me up. He called and told him to come get me. What drama. I don't have drama like that anymore.

So, what do I do about the letter? Tell him how I feel or leave it alone? Good lord if life isn't easier without him though. It is strange to feel that way. I hate alcoholism. Thanks for listening. Love you guys!!

chero

Hey Bjen! Good to see you back!

So you are still with him but he is in jail? So is he coming back to you when he gets out or are you just afraid he will come back?

I wonder if living in fear is the same as it was living with him?

You probably hit the nail on the head saying he doesn't feel bad for you. One thing I've realized alcoholics are self-centered and self-focused.

First, I hope you are taking precautions to be safe. Take care of YOU!

I don't know what to say about the letter. I'm sure someone will be along with advice!

But I'm glad to see you back! Please be safe!!

GlassPrisoner

He's an alcoholic. He hates life.

He's an alcoholic, the world revolves around him.

He's an alcoholic, he wants to control everything.

His way of doing things and bright ideas didn't work out too well, did they ?

I'm not taking his inventory, but I was the same way before I found recovery.

Spiritual Seeker

Why on earth would you want more of that? Maybe you can start takin' your own inventory and see what makes you stay?

dollydo

Why are you waiting for him? He will not be any different when he gets out. His name calling and other actions speak for themselves.

You do not have to accept his calls, you do not have to do anything except let go, and this is a good time to do it. You have until January to get yourself back on tract.

He is an abuser, this will not change, please take care of you.

reader

Verbal abuse wears your soul down. It is time to start taking care of u and making your self happy. I would not accept his calls and I would write him letting him know why. You need to value yourself and not let anyone run u down like that. My mother use to say God doesn't make any s*** so never say u are or let anyone try to make u believe it.

CE Girl

BJen? Are our A's TWINS?!?!?!

What you described in your post is EXCATLY what I deal with, when I have contact with my A. He is unreasonable and frankly DELUSIONAL. I'm VERY guarded when I speak to him, because its been my experience WHATEVER I tell him gets twisted and turned around to suit him.

DITTO!!! It drives my A NUTS to think I have any kind of life outside of HIM!! Ok, so a sane rational adult would call that controlling right? How come we ACCEPT it?!?!?! Look at how we cower just at the thought of speakng with them? The solution? DON'T.


VERY WISE AND TRUE statement. I for one, want mine back!!!

Peace

Bjen

Thank you all so much!! I can't believe how easy my brain gets off track when I can't visit you guys regularly!! Darn computers!! All of you are wonderful. I don't consider us together. I don't think he does either. I have always been there for him though, changing that is a big change for both of us. Glass Prisoner, thank you for sharing your side of things with us. I forget what alcoholism does to his brain sometimes. Thank you all of you!! I love you guys.

denny57

I wouldn't resend the letter. I'd also stop taking calls. I was always there for AH, too, almost 20 years, and now I'm not. It wasn't easy, but almost 2 years on it's actually very nice.

Take care.

kglast

I would not resend the letter either....it will just continue the madness and provoke a response from him. Everyone here suggested NO CONTACT for me and it has truly saved my sanity. NOTHING he says now is true so there is no point in hearing any of it. I know what is true for me and need to move on. Verbal/physical/emotional abuse is terrible - move on sista!

duet_4-8

Bingo! I had to completely go no contact with my exah (25 years of marriage) three months ago. It made no difference what I said or how I said it, he twisted it around and turned it on me every time. If I so much as said 'hello' to him in a public place, he took it as an invitation to start the dance all over again.....

I am only now beginning to realize what a sick sick sick relationship we were in. It is very much like withdrawl from a drug. Those ole feelings come flooding back so easily, or at least they did. I am seeing a lot clearer these days. You guys hang in there and try to find other things to occupy your time. Obsessing over A's will just keep you stuck and unable to move forward toward a new, healthy life. You know-fake it till you make it! ;-)

(((HUGS)))

Bjen

I've got it. I have been thinking about how to say this. I was thinking the other day about how much you all affect my life. That this sight was such a God send to me. I realize how lost and unstable I feel when I am unable to participate in it. It keeps me on track.

I just posted recently and was told that my best option was to cut all contact with my A and that now is the best time for me to do that. I knew that but really needed the reinforcement I got from all of you, thank you.

The thing about this sight is that I can move past him and not think about him all the time but yet, it encompasses me and throws me back into that life when I visit here. He is really the only person that causes me to be here. I have had plenty of addicts in my life but none that affected me so badly as him.

So, how do I visit here and seperate him from it. How do I participate and share what I have learned from him with you guys without him invading my headspace again. I feel like I can't move on if I don't get away from all of it but at the same time, I can't stay on the track of recovery I want without you guys. Any ideas, or thoughts? Anyone else feel this way?
Thank you