new here. need help saying goodbye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
new here. need help saying goodbye
hello everyone.
please bare with me as Im in tears as I type this out. I just returned from my boyfriend of 3 years' house. with everything I had there in plastic grocery sacks. He is a meth addict. and sadly I thought clean for a year. tonight my suspicions were confirmed as I drove by his work, he's not there and eventually turned his cell of after I tried reaching him numerous times. this was classic of when he would attempt to sneak behind my back.
Im a college educated professional woman with her own home and nothing but the world to offer him. I have never touched drugs, except cigarettes. I went through hell for 2 years trying to help him. at one point I tracked him down and barged into a house, unannounced, which had a working lab in it....just to drag him out. I cant ever go through that again, and I finally realize I cant ever change him. and my life will never be anything it could be as long as Im with him.
any words of support or anything to help me through this "letting him go"? everything aside, I love him. and this will tear my heart out. but its time
please bare with me as Im in tears as I type this out. I just returned from my boyfriend of 3 years' house. with everything I had there in plastic grocery sacks. He is a meth addict. and sadly I thought clean for a year. tonight my suspicions were confirmed as I drove by his work, he's not there and eventually turned his cell of after I tried reaching him numerous times. this was classic of when he would attempt to sneak behind my back.
Im a college educated professional woman with her own home and nothing but the world to offer him. I have never touched drugs, except cigarettes. I went through hell for 2 years trying to help him. at one point I tracked him down and barged into a house, unannounced, which had a working lab in it....just to drag him out. I cant ever go through that again, and I finally realize I cant ever change him. and my life will never be anything it could be as long as Im with him.
any words of support or anything to help me through this "letting him go"? everything aside, I love him. and this will tear my heart out. but its time
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
jen....
it's going to be very hard. You know what you need to do. You deserve a happy life. I'm 49yrs old and I'm telling you that theres alot and I mean alot of men out there that will give you what you want. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm telling you to leave your boyfriend cause I am not a professional therapist for sure but your not married with children where theres young ones to think of and you've said your an educated woman so I know you can make a good decision on your own but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents in. of course you have all the support you can muster here. there are some really smart people here so keep on reading and you'll feel much better.
good luck and all my thoughts and prayers
it's going to be very hard. You know what you need to do. You deserve a happy life. I'm 49yrs old and I'm telling you that theres alot and I mean alot of men out there that will give you what you want. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm telling you to leave your boyfriend cause I am not a professional therapist for sure but your not married with children where theres young ones to think of and you've said your an educated woman so I know you can make a good decision on your own but I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents in. of course you have all the support you can muster here. there are some really smart people here so keep on reading and you'll feel much better.
good luck and all my thoughts and prayers
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR.
I know you will have your hands full with two babies but you should try to get out to some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for some great support you can find there.
Two babies... What would be the best thing (under these circumstances) you can do for them and yourself? Cutting ties with him unless he cleans up maybe?
If he seeks recovery and starts working at staying that way that would be a different circumstance but for now you need do what is best for you and the babies.
It is good that you have your parents to help you out.
Your not alone and there are answers that will help you deal with things much better...for now take care of you and the babies.
May want to take a look at the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the topes of the forums. You will find some good info in them as well.
I know you will have your hands full with two babies but you should try to get out to some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for some great support you can find there.
Two babies... What would be the best thing (under these circumstances) you can do for them and yourself? Cutting ties with him unless he cleans up maybe?
If he seeks recovery and starts working at staying that way that would be a different circumstance but for now you need do what is best for you and the babies.
It is good that you have your parents to help you out.
Your not alone and there are answers that will help you deal with things much better...for now take care of you and the babies.
May want to take a look at the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the topes of the forums. You will find some good info in them as well.
trying to mend
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Where the Wild Things Are
Posts: 105
Hi Jennifer, Welcome to SR!
I missed the part about you having kids and going to your parents. Did you post that in another thread? Or maybe it is time for me to go to bed and get some sleep intead of staying up reading all night since I seemed to have missed some important details.
Anyway, if you haven't already done so, read How Women Become Fools Over Men posted by Dollydo. It's a good read and is sure to have some info that you can relate to.
There is a lot of good experienced advice in this forum, so keep coming back.
I missed the part about you having kids and going to your parents. Did you post that in another thread? Or maybe it is time for me to go to bed and get some sleep intead of staying up reading all night since I seemed to have missed some important details.
Anyway, if you haven't already done so, read How Women Become Fools Over Men posted by Dollydo. It's a good read and is sure to have some info that you can relate to.
There is a lot of good experienced advice in this forum, so keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Hello..The addict in my life is my 21 yr old daughter. Don't really have any advice but others will be along that have been where your at. Sorry your going through this stay strong an know that things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
its a difficult thing when your in love with an addict and they are in active addiction.....they just arent capable of loving you back not the way you deserve to be loved.........
take care of yourself and do what feels right for you...........it doesnt come easy( the decisions or answers) but it does come little by little.
Stick around you arent alone many of us know how you feel
take care of yourself and do what feels right for you...........it doesnt come easy( the decisions or answers) but it does come little by little.
Stick around you arent alone many of us know how you feel
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
My ex was a comulsive gambler. I loved him very much. My mistake was giving him my heart & soul. You give noone your soul as your soul belongs to your HP. After 10 yrs & 2 children I finally ended it. After 10 yrs on my own & getting my long delayed college education I met & married my present husband. I have never been happier & love him more with each passing day. We have been together 25 yrs & married almost 23 yrs.
My ex called me about 2 wks ago after almost 30 yrs of no contact. He went from gambling to drugs & only now at age 62 tells me he has been clean for 4 1/2 yrs.
I am telling you this cuz if I had not ended it & had stuck by him I would have had to deal with all of that for 30 more yrs.
You are young & have no children......keep coming to SR & get yourself to some Nar-Anon mtgs. As they say here there are the three c's..............You didn't cause the addiction, You cannot control the addiction( you cannot change another person )and you certainly cannot cure the addict or the addiction. You must look at yourself & think why you are spending all your time & energy looking to change this man. If I have learned anything in my lifetime it is love is not enough to keep a relationship going. There must be a give and take & when you are " in love " with an addict there is only taking on their part, no giving. You cannot keep giving without getting anything back. Unconditional love is fine but the key is to love somone unconditionally that you know does not do anything you cannot live with.
IMHO you might take the time to rethink your relationship with this man..................is this what you really want for the rest of your life. Noone said its easy but IMHO staying with someone like this over a lifetime is alot harder.
Whatever you decide you wil find alot of support at SR. Noone but you can decide what is best for your life. I have just shared with you what happened to me & what I found to be true.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
My ex called me about 2 wks ago after almost 30 yrs of no contact. He went from gambling to drugs & only now at age 62 tells me he has been clean for 4 1/2 yrs.
I am telling you this cuz if I had not ended it & had stuck by him I would have had to deal with all of that for 30 more yrs.
You are young & have no children......keep coming to SR & get yourself to some Nar-Anon mtgs. As they say here there are the three c's..............You didn't cause the addiction, You cannot control the addiction( you cannot change another person )and you certainly cannot cure the addict or the addiction. You must look at yourself & think why you are spending all your time & energy looking to change this man. If I have learned anything in my lifetime it is love is not enough to keep a relationship going. There must be a give and take & when you are " in love " with an addict there is only taking on their part, no giving. You cannot keep giving without getting anything back. Unconditional love is fine but the key is to love somone unconditionally that you know does not do anything you cannot live with.
IMHO you might take the time to rethink your relationship with this man..................is this what you really want for the rest of your life. Noone said its easy but IMHO staying with someone like this over a lifetime is alot harder.
Whatever you decide you wil find alot of support at SR. Noone but you can decide what is best for your life. I have just shared with you what happened to me & what I found to be true.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: flint . flintshire .north wales ,uk.
Posts: 4
there is no easy way to forget a much loved one , because you cannot hand them a sober life in a box or a parcel,if only ! all you can do in life is gaive them the materials and the equipment ( your own knowlwdge of sobreity) and hope that they use these wisely to build their own wall of sobriety ... you have tried so hard to help him honey , maybe tough love will help , I do hope so, untill such time you need to be good to yourself and your family, take a step back , and a deep breath and stay safe in the knowledge that you did your best for him ,and as human beings thats all we can do ,. I wish you well for the future ..x
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You posted that you had "nothing but the world to offer" your meth addict. He doesn't need anything you have to offer. He needs sobriety and he can only do that for himself. I can't imagine his lifestyle being attractive or acceptable to a sober person. Sounds like you might want to take the time to figure that out.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Many of us here have had to walk away, it was our only salvation.
No it's not easy, but it is doable.
Addicts first love is drugs, period, everyone and everything else does not matter.
Keep in mind, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is using or not.
Keep posting it will help.
Many of us here have had to walk away, it was our only salvation.
No it's not easy, but it is doable.
Addicts first love is drugs, period, everyone and everything else does not matter.
Keep in mind, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is using or not.
Keep posting it will help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Up North
Posts: 105
(((Jenn))))))
Remember the three C's...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Pack up your heart and be grateful to move on. A few alanon meetings, open AA meetings, naranon or CODA meetings would be so very helpful for you now.
You're a good woman, thank God that you are reaching out and looking for support.
Addicts will use and abuse. It's beyond you, move on.
Remember the three C's...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Pack up your heart and be grateful to move on. A few alanon meetings, open AA meetings, naranon or CODA meetings would be so very helpful for you now.
You're a good woman, thank God that you are reaching out and looking for support.
Addicts will use and abuse. It's beyond you, move on.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Welcome. Many words of wisdom here. I too am a college educated professional and I too own my house and my life. My XBF is an addict and I did not know it until he was moving out. I never used drugs at all.. and so I did not know why he did some of the things he did. I know now.
I too went thru deep sorrow at first when he left last October. I went thru self blame and all of that. He is practically on the street and he had all he could ever want here.. but he wants to be a drug addict and so he was cheating on me and using drugs. When he was moving out and his "grow room" for pot was discovered in MY HOUSE, it was just too much.
I was very very sad.. and cried a lot at first.. then I found out that in addition to drugs he also was cheating...
I am well shed of this man and I have my life back.
Meanwhile, he has lost his steady job. His new GF is married so he can't get much from her (tho I suspect she uses with him and helps him with his 'agricultural operation'). He is just a breath away from the street and, if he ends up there, it will be his doing (tho he will likely blame someone else!).
As you move on from your addicted BF or as you learn to detach from his addiction, your life will get better and better. Coming here was a great first step.
Next try reading "CoDependent no more" by Melody Beattie and try going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings.. do six meetings and see if you think they help.
Good luck to you and keep coming back. Folks here are awesome!
I too went thru deep sorrow at first when he left last October. I went thru self blame and all of that. He is practically on the street and he had all he could ever want here.. but he wants to be a drug addict and so he was cheating on me and using drugs. When he was moving out and his "grow room" for pot was discovered in MY HOUSE, it was just too much.
I was very very sad.. and cried a lot at first.. then I found out that in addition to drugs he also was cheating...
I am well shed of this man and I have my life back.
Meanwhile, he has lost his steady job. His new GF is married so he can't get much from her (tho I suspect she uses with him and helps him with his 'agricultural operation'). He is just a breath away from the street and, if he ends up there, it will be his doing (tho he will likely blame someone else!).
As you move on from your addicted BF or as you learn to detach from his addiction, your life will get better and better. Coming here was a great first step.
Next try reading "CoDependent no more" by Melody Beattie and try going to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings.. do six meetings and see if you think they help.
Good luck to you and keep coming back. Folks here are awesome!
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Jenn)))))))
Welcome to sr. I'm so sorry for the pain and heartache your going through with your abf. Have a read around. Get to alanon/naranon meetings. Start taking care of you.
Let go, Let God take over the abf. Addiction is a progressive disease, and until he seeks recovery, you'll be on a non stoppable rollercoaster with him.
Keep comin' back for support, prayers, hugs, and feedback.
We're here for ya.
My addict is my 25 yo son. I have lived with "addiction in the family" all of my life.
This will get better. It all starts with you.
Many prayers from a new friend,
Linda
Welcome to sr. I'm so sorry for the pain and heartache your going through with your abf. Have a read around. Get to alanon/naranon meetings. Start taking care of you.
Let go, Let God take over the abf. Addiction is a progressive disease, and until he seeks recovery, you'll be on a non stoppable rollercoaster with him.
Keep comin' back for support, prayers, hugs, and feedback.
We're here for ya.
My addict is my 25 yo son. I have lived with "addiction in the family" all of my life.
This will get better. It all starts with you.
Many prayers from a new friend,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Jen-
My heart goes out to you. I am dealing with a similar situation with my abf.
You are incredibly courageous and s trong for believing that you deserve more and taking the physical steps needed to make that happen.
There is an outpouring of support and comfort here.
Here I have learned that no matter how much energy we exert we will never be able to LOVE them clean. To think we have that much power over something as extreme as addiction is an illusion.
It sounds as though you KNOW that you have had enough.
My heart goes out to you. I am dealing with a similar situation with my abf.
You are incredibly courageous and s trong for believing that you deserve more and taking the physical steps needed to make that happen.
There is an outpouring of support and comfort here.
Here I have learned that no matter how much energy we exert we will never be able to LOVE them clean. To think we have that much power over something as extreme as addiction is an illusion.
It sounds as though you KNOW that you have had enough.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Jenniferrichall))) My daughter was a meth addict, and I would have given my life to save hers... but of course in reality, I could give my life, but it WOULDN'T save hers.
Best may be confused (smile, hi Best!) but he gives excellent advice - lots and lots and LOTS of Alanon or Naranon meetings.
After chasing my daughter through her chaos, I found they saved my life... literally.
Over time, the pain gets less... it really does. And there is a Higher Power walking through this with your boyfriend.
I hope you can find some meetings soon, they do help.
((hugs))
Best may be confused (smile, hi Best!) but he gives excellent advice - lots and lots and LOTS of Alanon or Naranon meetings.
After chasing my daughter through her chaos, I found they saved my life... literally.
Over time, the pain gets less... it really does. And there is a Higher Power walking through this with your boyfriend.
I hope you can find some meetings soon, they do help.
((hugs))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi Jen, and welcome to Sober recovery.
I'm not i your situation, but I have 2 adult sons, who are recovering addicts.
One is almost 29, the other, 33.
I remember back when the oldest was actively using, and verbally abusing his GF at the time, and I kept thinking, what makes her stay? She deserves so much better than him...and mind you, it was my son I was talking about.
You deserve so much better also, you're a smart, beautiful girl, and you deserve the best treatment in the world.
Give yourself time...
The right man is in the shadows waiting for you.
Give yourself plenty of love, and hugs.
I'm not i your situation, but I have 2 adult sons, who are recovering addicts.
One is almost 29, the other, 33.
I remember back when the oldest was actively using, and verbally abusing his GF at the time, and I kept thinking, what makes her stay? She deserves so much better than him...and mind you, it was my son I was talking about.
You deserve so much better also, you're a smart, beautiful girl, and you deserve the best treatment in the world.
Give yourself time...
The right man is in the shadows waiting for you.
Give yourself plenty of love, and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
wow, hugs to all of you and god bless each and every one of you. to wake up to all this support and understanding from those who know what this is like.....is beyond words. Im in tears. and its your words that have given me the strength to put down the phone today numerous times. Usually by now I have caved and am calling out of a need to just hear his voice. to assure myself he is ok. maybe in a sick, subconscious way 'keep a hand' in the situation. but something this time is telling me this is my chance to make the break. to finally leave his fate in his hands alone. and open myself up eventually to the chance of a lifetime happy healthy relationship with someone I can start a family with. again, you are all in my prayers as well, along with the addict in your life. please keep mine in your prayers right along with me.......that no harm comes to them and that they finally see the light one day. Im going to need each and every one of you here for awhile. this is the hardest thing Ive ever done and feel like my heart is ripped out. *hugs to all* jen
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by best 
Welcome to SR.
I know you will have your hands full with two babies but you should try to get out to some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for some great support you can find there.
Two babies... What would be the best thing (under these circumstances) you can do for them and yourself? Cutting ties with him unless he cleans up maybe?
If he seeks recovery and starts working at staying that way that would be a different circumstance but for now you need do what is best for you and the babies.
It is good that you have your parents to help you out.
Your not alone and there are answers that will help you deal with things much better...for now take care of you and the babies.
May want to take a look at the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the topes of the forums. You will find some good info in them as well.
I know you will have your hands full with two babies but you should try to get out to some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for some great support you can find there.
Two babies... What would be the best thing (under these circumstances) you can do for them and yourself? Cutting ties with him unless he cleans up maybe?
If he seeks recovery and starts working at staying that way that would be a different circumstance but for now you need do what is best for you and the babies.
It is good that you have your parents to help you out.
Your not alone and there are answers that will help you deal with things much better...for now take care of you and the babies.
May want to take a look at the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the topes of the forums. You will find some good info in them as well.
Welcome to SR.
You should try to get out to some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for some great support you can find there.
What would be the best thing (under these circumstances) you can do for yourself? Cutting ties with him unless he cleans up maybe? I know it hurts to stay and I know it hurts to let go. You need do what is the best choice for you and that can be the best choice for him as well. By letting go he will need deal with his own issues and such is what could open his eyes to seek solutions.
If he seeks recovery and starts working at staying that way that would be a different circumstance but for now you need do what is best for you.
Your not alone and there are answers that will help you deal with things much better...for now take care of you.
May want to take a look at the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the tops of the forums. You will find some good info in them as well.
Yes I was reading another post along with your post. I replied here first but with the words I wanted to put on the other post *LOL*
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