sugarpup

hi, as you may remember i was married for 10 years to an active and was able to kick him out of the house last august, since then he says he has been sober, and is really proud of himself for finishing all 12 steps by september (!)...

since being separated i have spent an enormous amount of time hoping and praying that he would change, that he would show remorse and come back to me with love in his heart and an undying determination to win me back...

but he just shrugs his shoulders and is just so indifferent, he still has no emotions, and has shown no effort in doing the right thing...

i have served him, we both have lawyers, and we are in the middle of going through the financial mess, which i really don't care about, i just want to be sure to get sole custody and move on...

at least that has been my plan for the past 2 months... but i am having serious doubts and huge moments of weakness... i hate this! i don't want to get divorced!

i wanted a long, happy marriage, with normal trials and tribulations, but in the end, a man whom i could count on and whom i knew loved me more than anything in the world...

but i am stuck with this horrible situation where i am being blamed for divorcing him and that he thinks i'm making a mistake... i feel awful and depressed...

God give me the strength to follow your will.... because i don't know what i am doing!

best

I remember that prayer well but I couldn't tell you how many thousands of times I may have said it.
My wife and I were separated for about 2 1/2 years and I was the one who filed not her. Just before moving out she had told me to make my own choices. She wasn't going to make them for me and give me the easy way out. Maybe she knew I would blame her as well. Had already blamed her for everything else I didn't like or had done wrong...why not that?
If you don't feel right about filing, you could file for a legal separation and get all the finances and custody issues straighten out anyways.
I don't know if he will change. He may...I did but as I said..we were separated for about 2 1/2 years as well before I started to fully change in that area.
Pray long and often about it and let God guide you.

FormerDoormat

"but he just shrugs his shoulders and is just so indifferent, he still has no emotions, and has shown no effort in doing the right thing..."

Well, that says it all, doesn't it? I don't know why you're having second thoughts on following through with the divorce. Unless, of course, you enjoy being in a relationships with emotionless, indifferent people who show no effort in doing the right thing....

newenglandgirl

Not easy at all to give up the dream of a long and happy marriage. I am sorry you are going through this SugarPup. I don't want to get divorced either! But I also really don't want to be married to an alcoholic anymore either. The whole thing sucks.

Of course he's gonna say you're making a mistake! And people will blame too. But you have to keep reminding yourself that it was HIM who led you down this rocky road. HIS unacceptable behavior is what ruined the marriage. Not yours. You are being faced with making some VERY tough decisions all alone because of his addiction.

He is the one to blame. People might not see that, but you know the truth.

WantsOut

The thing where he blames you - that's quacking. Big time quacking. Most of them are in denial. Mine told me to "think twice before you cause so much destruction" and claimed I was using this "alcholic BS" to justify or make excuses for not loving him anymore. Sometimes he claimed I never loved him. It all made me sick and confused. They only way I stood my groud was knowing how miserable I'd be if I backed down.

Seven months later he got DWI #3. He was forced into treatment, strict probation, huge fines, fees, urine testing, and a breathilizer installed in his car.

He ain't in denial no mo. Your day will come where you will be proved right. Until then just have faith that you know the truth.

Love

best

May I correct that please?

Your day will come that "you" will accept that you are right.

We all know that it is the alcohol and behavors that go with it.
I could blame all I wanted but that never made it truth.
I had to find a way out of my denial and those of you on the receiving end need to look and see if you hold any denial as you try to take on the blame that isn't your's to take.
Not your fault.
You didn't cause it
Can't cure it
Can't change it.
He needs find his way out of his own denial and seek his own recovery.

dollydo

Divorce is unpleasant whether there is an addiction involved or not. With that said, when it's over it's over. His actions show you that he has moved on, time for you to do the same, there is no future with him, only a past.

A past that cannot be rewritten or changed in any way. All you can do is move onto the next chapter of your life.

hopeangel

best said it best that sounds like true recovery to me. i think the fact that he is blaming you shows that he has not really completely worked the 12 steps. has he tried to make his amends to you yet?

we all have this great big fantasy that the alcoholic will come rushing back into our arms declaring and shouting at the top of their lungs how sorry they are for every single rotten horrible thing they have done to us, but it just doesn't happen that way i don't think. in fact, i don't know if it would even be possible for them to do that?

we also have this fantasy of the way they will be after being sober and recovery and in truth, the person underneath is the person underneath, good or bad.

kglast

no advice, really....just understanding and ((()))....blessings

CE Girl

I've always "felt" that but "blamed" it on the drink. If he just got sober, those tendancy's in his core would go away.

But,,,,,,,

There has ALWAYS been a part of me that thought, no they wouldn't, cause thats WHO he is, altered or not.

Then I would think. If he is that way and never was an A, would I be with him?

The answer is NO

Now to get past the DENIAL and stop blaming EVERYTHING on the alcohol. Truth is, there are certain "personality" traits I just can't live with.

Peace

denny57

I would not settle for just sole custody. Down the road you may regret it. Try to not let your children suffer financially because you are emotionally spent over the divorce. Maybe some counseling while it's going on could help here.

((())) Take care. It does get better.