daisyjen

I have been married to my AH for 15 yrs now, and we have 3 sons. In January, I threw in the towel, so to speak, and truly meant it (this time). Anyway, he realized I was serious, sobered up and has been going to a Christian 12 step program once a wk and an occasional AA meeting. He begged me to stay and give it a chance and I reluctantly did, since he also became a Christian and that was so much different than all of the other promised times. Well, here we are 4 months later and I am very confused. I don't know that I want to continue our marriage or not. We have other issues, like how we discipline our children, spend our money, and my reluctance to let go of all of the hurt he has caused me. But, then I have guilt for wanting to give up. I just don't know what the answer is. I have gone to an al-anon group once and now I am seeing a counselor who says I have post traumatic stress syndrome. How do I know what direction I should take?

laurie6781

Right now you don't, and probably won't for a while. Keep going to therapy, try some more Al-anon, at least 6 different meetings. Most times when a spouse sobers up and starts living sober, they find out that there was more wrong with the marriage than just the alcoholism. That is why in AA they say "no major changes the first year."

Gives a person time to work on themselves, works well for spouses also. Maybe somewhere down the road 6 or 8 months or so, you and he could try some couples therapy. But first, you need to work through your issues, your angers, your hurts. Yes it is a form of PTSD. You have been on the 'front lines' so to speak for quite a while now.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,

hopeangel

hi daisy,

welcome!!! i am experiencing a lot of the same feelings you are right now.

only suggestion, work on yourself. so much time and energy gets put into your ah that you lose yourself. you are so focused on the alcoholism for so long that you really don't know how to "do" anything else and other issues do not get addressed.

right now is a great big transition time for you as well as AH. if you stay together you will have to find a totally new way to relate to each other.

both of you are very vulnerable right now. you get stipped down to the core and have to rebuild.

wishing you both the best!!!

FormerDoormat

Did you read DollyDo's posting entitled "Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?" If not, you may want to do so. It explains why folks who have been through traumatic relationships have such a difficult time letting go.

I don't know your husband, but I know enough about the motives behind an active alcoholic's actions--through reading other's posts on this forum for the last three years--to suspect strongly that he may have converted to Christianity as the ultimate manipulation. I mean, how convenient is it that when you finally said you were done and you meant it this time, that he choose now to become a Christian? Alcoholics are master manipulators. They will stop at NOTHING to get what they want: a co-dependent partner who will take care of all their responsibilities so that they can continue their daily drinking.

And while you claimed that you were done and you meant it this time, once again, you didn't mean it because here you are still going round and round on the alcoholic merry-go-round. It's a dizzying and insane way to live, and you deserve more than this out of a partner. Much, much more.

Until you realize that and the fact that you're being manipulated by a master, nothing will change.

denny57

I'd try some more meetings. Was there a reason you stopped?

kglast

Hi Daisy - I would suggest reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and Under the Influence....they will give you very good insight into both alcoholism and codependency. I am guessing it took a lot for you to come to the decision to leave in January- it just might be the right one - if you are not staying for YOU, it might be time to move on...

daisyjen

thank you all for your insight. i have read codependant no more and i recently purchased a book i think is just called alcoholism, which is very useful. i have also thought he may be using his newfound christianity to manipulate me. its hard to tell though. he often tells ME how he prays for ME and i need to talk to God about the decisions i am making - possibly leaving. i just sooo want to be happy again, just without the guilt of leaving my husband who supposedly is changing his life for the better. i am afraid of what others will think of me, who dont know what hell i have been through the past 15 yrs because i hid everything from them so well....

CE Girl

My A always trys and "turn the tables" on me, strongly suggesting, ok ACCUSING me of the reason things are not right in our relationship.

Is one of the manipulation tools the A uses.

If he can get you to belevie its all YOU, then he gets to continue being him.

Is that acceptable to you anymore?

Peace