Week from hell

Old 05-26-2007, 11:46 AM
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Week from hell

...Ay yi yi. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

Things with my son....I've gotten a property management now to collect the rent from him. If he doesn't pay, then he's out. That kills me, but I'm not doing him any favors for letting him get away with not paying me.

My daughter isn't talking to me now because of a 25 year old subject that came back up, I thought it was dead, buried and forgiven...something I did, stupidly way back then and we all worked through it as a family. I forgave myself and that was the hardest thing to do.
But, apparently, she hasn't. I don't ever judge her, I've supported her and her career, sent her food every month (she lives in NYC), paid for her website and now because the subject of 25 years ago was brought back up by someone else and addressed to us, she's judging me again.

My sister lives in CA, Her oldest daughter is graduating and it's her 18th bday next month. I bought plane tickets to fly out and be there. I'm not really close to the niece, but I thought it would be nice and that I could spend time with my sister. AFTER I buy the tickets, she tells me that a good friend of her's is coming in for the weekend and staying with her......?!?? The daughter is gonna be busy all weekend long with birthday parties and graduation and my sister will be spending all weekend with her friend.

What do I do? How do I process all of this?

Thank you SOO much!
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Old 05-26-2007, 11:58 AM
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Sounds like life to me, nothing really to worry about. If you break it down it really is their deal not yours.

Your Daughter seems to not be able to let go of stuff, which she needs to work on.
The thing with your sister is just a lack of communication, and you son needs to grow up.

Ok that’s that, now it’s over!

Think more about you and things will be fine. These are all adults who need to do for themselves.
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Old 05-26-2007, 12:30 PM
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Thanks, Mr. Christian.

I've communicated with my sister. I've told her that maybe that wouldn't be a good time for me to come with so much going on and maybe another time would be good.

She acted as if she didn't care either way. So, to tell ya the truth, I'd feel uncomfortable going there at this time.
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Old 05-26-2007, 03:03 PM
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My vote would be, don't go, it is a trip doomed to fail.

As for your daughter, something triggered her, you have made your amends, I would just let it go, there really is nothing you can do except wait it out.

Your son, let the chips fall where they may. Again, you have done all that you can, the ball is in his court.
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Old 05-26-2007, 03:07 PM
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It sounds like you want quality time with your sister when you visit and with a graduation and 18th b-day and others coming to visit, maybe it's not a good time for what you are looking for from her.
since you already purchased the tickets call the airline and see if you can re-schedule the trip for later on in the summer when things are not so hectic for your sister.
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Old 05-27-2007, 03:35 AM
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Hi Girlfriend, Here is a thought, years ago my mother made a bad choice that greatly effected me and to this day I have issues because of it. A couple years back my mother said to me that she was very sorry. I told her then that I had already forgiven her and I told her I realize now how hard it is to be a parent since I am one also. I thanked her for it and it has helped me to continue to move forward. If u haven't already, maybe this would help. I would also add that I can't change the past I can only change the future and leave it at that. Being a parent is the toughest job I know! Take Care.....
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Old 06-03-2007, 03:41 PM
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I've just now come back to read the other replies and I thank you for them sooo much.

The situation with my family has not changed at all, in fact, all 3 (daughter, son, sister) are all mad at me.

Why? Because I finally told them all that

1) I love them

2) I need, like everyone else does, to be treated as they themselves would want to be treated.

There was a time that I would do anything I could for my kids because I was a drinker for 10 years after the end of my first (abusive marriage to their Dad). And, because of that, I carried around HUGE guilt. I quit drinking 13 yrs ago and since then, I knew it was going to take me a long time to regain my kids' trust, but I was willing to do that.

Over the years, I've been steady, reliable and even though they hurt me by leaving me out of their lives, not thinking of me on mother's Day, my bday, Christmas, didn't want to be in my 2nd wedding, didn't call when I had my colon cancer...they always put their dad first (he had the $ more than I did and the power/control thing)......I've still been there for them.

I've paid for my son's real estate college. We did the condo together and he admitted to me that his friends came first and that his $ went to bbq's and partying instead of rent to me each month. I've supported my daughter in her singing career and have encouraged her, promoted her.....just poured myself into my kids.

But, they still leave me out. They're 28 and 26 yrs old. And, I finally told them that I will no longer accept being treated without respect. I will no longer be taken for granted and I will no longer except the copout of "Oh, Mom! You're way too emotional!".......heck yeah, I'm emotional. I've been a doormat for my kids to wipe their feet on for years and I'm tired of it.

My sister's head is all about her daughter right now and what's coming up and I totally understand that. But, no....I do not wanna go when they're gonna be so busy that I'll be like a fly on the wall the whole weekend. Granted, I don't have the kind of $ that I paid for the ticket (she didn't tell me about all the parties ahead of time) and my niece's grad/bday present and now $150 more to change the ticket. But, I have an understanding of where my sister's head is at right now.

She told me "You made the choice and then changed your mind",.....so, whatever.


I don't know if I'm alienating myself from my loved ones now because of my pain or because I've finally gotten to the point to where......the HECK WITH IT! I've got to say something and I'm gonna say it and if they don't like it......too bad.

I've kept in my feelings for soooooooo long for fear that I'd lose everybody and that I'd hurt someone. But, what about me? I've been in pain for being a people pleaser all of my life.

So,.........is it right to tell others when you've felt that they've hurt you? And, if they walk away and call you "crazy".....how do you deal with that?

I'm totally alone now, but I've told them, for the first time, how I've truly felt all of these years.

Did I totally blow that?



Thank you..
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Old 06-03-2007, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Girlfriend View Post
So,.........is it right to tell others when you've felt that they've hurt you? And, if they walk away and call you "crazy".....how do you deal with that?
I think it's fine to tell someone when they've hurt me. If they walk away and call me crazy, I limit my time in their presence. Life is short. Many people don't like when the dance changes, but there is no way I'm going back to the way it was.
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Old 06-03-2007, 08:35 PM
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One of the best lessons I learned in Al Anon is this

"What other people think about me is none of my business.". Neither are their reactions or responses. I've learned tell someone my opinion IF they ask for it, and I have learned to make reqeusts and to let go of the outcomes. Once I got out of other peoples' heads and just spent time on MY stuff, my life got better.

I still mess up, but I really don't let other people's opinions of me have any power....

Cats
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Old 06-04-2007, 12:15 AM
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Thank you!


Cats,....I just gotta say that I love your avatar
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Old 06-04-2007, 01:52 AM
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I think it's fine to tell someone they've hurt you but it's also important to hear people when they tell you that you've hurt them. I would go to a councelor and or therapist and have my sanity validated. When everyone around you is mad at you or shrugging their shoulders and walking away from you, it couldn't hurt.
Forgiving youself is important.
No matter how sorry we are, sometimes if the consequence of our actions hurts someone else, our forgiving ourselves realy has no effect on the damage done to them.
Here is an example. My 50 year old friend was recurrently sexually abused by her alcoholic father starting at the age of five. She still goes to counceling once a week and her mother thinks she just does this as a means of unforgiveness. Her mother is very sorry she didn't intervene, this many years later, her mother has forgiven herself and gets angry that my friend won't let this go.
Your reasons to go to see your niece are valid and your reasons for not going are valid. It is your choice to go or not. It's a busy time, graduation and I think your sister was just warning you, as you should have really expected, if you are looking for exclusive time with her, this isn't a good time for that.
What is your daughter mad about, what happened? We can't gauge her unforgiveness without knowing what happened.
It never hurts to have a periodic third party opinion on occassion.
What I hear you saying is that you feel a bit taken for granted, a bit victimized by unreasonable loved ones and a bit hurt that you are judged but not forgiven.
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Old 06-04-2007, 02:46 PM
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Yeah, taken for granted..that's what I feel and that my feelings don't count.

My sister should of warned me before I spent the $300. I would of totally understood had she of done that. I didn't realize HOW much was gonna go on.

My daughter and son both hold me accountable for my drinking years ago. They don't know the reasons why I turned to alcohol. I was abused physically/mentally by their dad for 8 years and they were too young to remember that. So, they blame me for drinking and not being there for them back then (even though, I've been there for them now for 13 yrs, I've been sober and quit drinking because of what it was doing to me and them) and it's frustrating to me to not be able to explain my life to them before the drinking started.

I can't just come out and say "your Dad physically/mentally abused me and I lived as a prisoner in my own home, so I started drinking to numb it out". That'll backfire on me.

So, where do I draw the line with my children? They take advantage of me and then when I tell them I'm hurt, they come back at me full force and bring up the past. Which in turn makes me want to tell them why I drank, but can't because it will hurt them.

My sanity?....lol....what's that?
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Old 06-04-2007, 03:59 PM
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So, where do I draw the line with my children?
GF, I had a similiar situation where I lost someone I love trust and had to earn it back. Wasn't quite 13 years, but a good 10 years solid.

Eventually, it got to the point where I would ask myself, "what else do I have to do in order for us to move past this?"

The answer for me?

Take CREDIT for it finally!!!

The next time the "argument" came up and I got "well, the reason I do this is because of what you did" I let loose. Not angrily or with malice or rage. Quite calmly I said, " I have been trying for the last TEN YEARS to right the wrong and regain your trust. I have given you NO reason in that time to mistrust me. It is now up to you to decide if you can forgive and get past it, because I will not take you throwing it in my face, everytime we have a problem we're trying to resolve"

I truly felt that in my core and drew the line. No "explanation" for what I did back then. Just a simple statement of what I had done SINCE then. It was no longer acceptable for him to use it against me.

Sh** or get off the pot was basically what I was telling him to do

he never mentioned it again. I stayed married to him for another 13 years, till he died of cancer.

Peace
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Old 06-04-2007, 06:46 PM
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Man, CE Girl........you do not know how much that just helped me!!! Thank you so very, very much!

I sooo needed to hear that.
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Old 06-04-2007, 06:59 PM
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I sooo needed to hear that.
No, you so needed to BELIEVE that ((((((())))))

Getting and staying sober and raising your children to be productive, contributing adults is something to be PROUD of!! And its the hardest job in the world. I admire your stength and determination.

When I told my husband, enough is enough, I was finally PROUD of myself. What fortidue and determination it took to PROVE I was not as I was perceived. The best part was I did it for ME. At the point of "putting my foot down" I was done letting him take that away from me.


I believe this should be pointed out to your adult children.

You are not the person you were when they throw this crap in your face. I would answer their "button pushing" with, " I did what I knew best at the time. When I knew better, I lived the last 13 years that way". I refuse to be thrown back into the past.

Nuff said

Believe in yourself girl, you done GOOD

Peace
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Old 06-04-2007, 07:23 PM
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Go and give up control. just join in the festivities with your sis and friend with whatever is planned.
Part of recovery is learning to communicate openly + honestly. If you really feel it is innapprop. to go, big deal abt. the $ to change the ticket . Ask sis when this summer would be better time to come. Go with the flow
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