Alanon Question...
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Alanon Question...
I went to my third Alanon meeting this morning. I'm not hating the meetings at all. Each one seems to get a little better. It's a really small group. I'm pretty limited out here on meetings because there are so few that aren't during working hours.
But, I was under the impression that you didn't have to talk if you didn't want to.
I haven't talked at all. I've cried and listened and been very polite and talked (a little) afterwards to people, but today this lady just went all over me about why didn't I talk during the meetings--she has been there at everyone of the meetings I've been to.
She was sharing and the next thing I know she turns to me and starts demanding that I talk. She freaked me out. The guy that was doing the meeting said she doesn't have to talk but then he turns to me and says it would help us out if you would tell us what to talk about.
WHAT??? Is this normal.
But, I was under the impression that you didn't have to talk if you didn't want to.
I haven't talked at all. I've cried and listened and been very polite and talked (a little) afterwards to people, but today this lady just went all over me about why didn't I talk during the meetings--she has been there at everyone of the meetings I've been to.
She was sharing and the next thing I know she turns to me and starts demanding that I talk. She freaked me out. The guy that was doing the meeting said she doesn't have to talk but then he turns to me and says it would help us out if you would tell us what to talk about.
WHAT??? Is this normal.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WHAT??? Is this normal.
I do believe they were just trying to help you, as they already know how sharing in a meeting can be so 'cleansing' and 'freeing'. You might want to just say something like "Hi, my name is ________ and I choose to listen today, thank you."
J M H O
Love and hugs,
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
If someone did that at my home group, they (the ones doing the confronting) would have been talked to after the meeting. If someone isn't comfortable talking at a meeting... then they aren't comfortable, and CONFRONTING them is not going to make THAT happen. Sounds like you got ambushed by someone without much recovery under her belt.
Keep going, don't let one bad experience stop you... just because she was there before you started doesn't mean she is further along in program than you are - you have been HERE getting prepared. That counts in my book.
The traditions guide the behavior at the meetings. How about when you attend next, you suggest they do a topic meeting on Tradition 1 and 2? A good book to guide that meeting is Paths to Recovery - they can read from it and explain how they are each applying the first 2 traditions.
To me, confronting one individual who isn't sharing is not good application of Tradition 1.
Twelve Traditions
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.
3. The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family group, provided that as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.
5. Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.
6. Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous.
7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
Keep going, don't let one bad experience stop you... just because she was there before you started doesn't mean she is further along in program than you are - you have been HERE getting prepared. That counts in my book.
The traditions guide the behavior at the meetings. How about when you attend next, you suggest they do a topic meeting on Tradition 1 and 2? A good book to guide that meeting is Paths to Recovery - they can read from it and explain how they are each applying the first 2 traditions.
To me, confronting one individual who isn't sharing is not good application of Tradition 1.
Twelve Traditions
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.
3. The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family group, provided that as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.
5. Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.
6. Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous.
7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Some groups have a no "cross-talk" rule... that means that we don't address in our sharing what someone else has said. Directly talking to another member, and asking questions would violate that rule.
Not all groups have a no cross talk rule... you might ask about THAT at the next meeting and see how they describe their no "crosstalk".
What your questions might do is get them to examine their own meeting structure. Alanon meetings (and other 12-step meetings) are not perfect just because they are already in existance. One of the struggles I have seen in some meetings that were started by folks who had never been in program is a lack of understanding about the 12 traditions and why they are so important.
Not all groups have a no cross talk rule... you might ask about THAT at the next meeting and see how they describe their no "crosstalk".
What your questions might do is get them to examine their own meeting structure. Alanon meetings (and other 12-step meetings) are not perfect just because they are already in existance. One of the struggles I have seen in some meetings that were started by folks who had never been in program is a lack of understanding about the 12 traditions and why they are so important.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
asking for your suggestion as to what to talk about I feel was his way of saying, "What topic's might help you the most?
I felt if they said nothing to me they didn't care about me, (Poor me) If they asked questions they were being mean to me, again (Poor me)
Not funny being new, as we are supper sensitive. It is hard, but worth it.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Caring hugs
I felt if they said nothing to me they didn't care about me, (Poor me) If they asked questions they were being mean to me, again (Poor me)
Not funny being new, as we are supper sensitive. It is hard, but worth it.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Caring hugs
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I think since she has seen you around she is trying to get you to open up a little.
I like the fact that you said each one is getting better, which means you are getting something from it.
Your comfort zone will let you talk in a while. Just keep listening.
Did you get the book I told you about??
I like the fact that you said each one is getting better, which means you are getting something from it.
Your comfort zone will let you talk in a while. Just keep listening.
Did you get the book I told you about??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
The road that leads to hell is paved by folks with good intentions.This isnt normal,no.As BigS,has shared we have traditions,that need to be followed.No --one--person,or even 2 people,have any bussiness confronting you about whether you share,or not,or what topic would be good for you.What usually happens when a new comer is in the rooms,is that the group,if they dont have a newcomers, meeting,will go back to steps1-3 and share what it was like,for them,what happened to them,and what their life is like today,having worked in the 12 steps of recovery.
Your talking with others after the meetings.Super!!!!.Soon you will feel confortable to share.
You will find though if going to different meetings,that they are attomous.Pick one that works for you and that IS,following our recovery program,12 steps and 12 traditions.
keep on,keeping on!!!!!!!!
Your talking with others after the meetings.Super!!!!.Soon you will feel confortable to share.
You will find though if going to different meetings,that they are attomous.Pick one that works for you and that IS,following our recovery program,12 steps and 12 traditions.
keep on,keeping on!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
chero, geeze, that would have freaked me out - and probably discouraged me from going to another meeting! man, i can see where you're coming from.
next time, say you'll share when you're ready, and you're just not there yet. you can't be forced to do something you don't want to do, and anyone who asks you to do so just isn't understanding the whole point of the group, or the situation you're going through right now. it's hard enough without others acting that way!
next time, say you'll share when you're ready, and you're just not there yet. you can't be forced to do something you don't want to do, and anyone who asks you to do so just isn't understanding the whole point of the group, or the situation you're going through right now. it's hard enough without others acting that way!
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Thanks everyone. I think I understand now what they were trying to do by getting me to talk. They want to know where I am so that they would know what would be beneficial to me...?? Right?
I just wish they would have gone about it differently.
It did freak me out. I had to drive an hour to get to the meeting and then afterwards, all I could think was what was I going to do now. The whole time I'm there I'm fighting back tears as it is and today I felt so much better going in and then that happened.
But I'm not going to stop attending. I need them. I did find another meeting on a different night in a town about 45 minutes away so I'm going to try that one this week.
It's been ordered, Mr. C! We read from it at every meeting. We read from three daily books at the meeting! I guess that is normal!?
My comfort zone. It lifts a little more every day!
I just wish they would have gone about it differently.
Originally Posted by InThisForMe 
chero, geeze, that would have freaked me out
next time, say you'll share when you're ready, and you're just not there yet.
next time, say you'll share when you're ready, and you're just not there yet.
But I'm not going to stop attending. I need them. I did find another meeting on a different night in a town about 45 minutes away so I'm going to try that one this week.
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
Your comfort zone will let you talk in a while. Just keep listening.
Did you get the book I told you about??
Did you get the book I told you about??
My comfort zone. It lifts a little more every day!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
oh SISTA,,I BEEN there, I'm STILL there
I've been going almost 2 months now. And jist getting comfortable to hang a little longer after to make some "connections"
I spoke for the first time, just recedntly, in my FAVORITE group on Thusday night. I'm not comfortable enough in the other groups, and I DO feel the "curiousity" of what my issues/intent is. You know what? They can just BITE ME. No offense. But like everything in our lives, as codies, "drama" is out natural habitate. Some of us like to bring it to meetings. Distracts from our own issues. Know what I mean?
The way I handle it? I don't. Why play into the drama? If I have something to talk about, I do, for me, for now, is ALL about listening. And thats what I tell em. It's up to THEM to deal with that, not me
Freaked out? Yup, in fact, there are STILL times I sit in the parking lot saying, "do I REALLY want to do this AGAIN?!?!? And every time, I think, look what I've learned caue I took the risk. I'd say that worth a little "freak" ever now and then
Keep going Sista,,,,and might I remind you, these THREE are more than you did when you were enabling
PEace
I've been going almost 2 months now. And jist getting comfortable to hang a little longer after to make some "connections"
I spoke for the first time, just recedntly, in my FAVORITE group on Thusday night. I'm not comfortable enough in the other groups, and I DO feel the "curiousity" of what my issues/intent is. You know what? They can just BITE ME. No offense. But like everything in our lives, as codies, "drama" is out natural habitate. Some of us like to bring it to meetings. Distracts from our own issues. Know what I mean?
The way I handle it? I don't. Why play into the drama? If I have something to talk about, I do, for me, for now, is ALL about listening. And thats what I tell em. It's up to THEM to deal with that, not me
Freaked out? Yup, in fact, there are STILL times I sit in the parking lot saying, "do I REALLY want to do this AGAIN?!?!? And every time, I think, look what I've learned caue I took the risk. I'd say that worth a little "freak" ever now and then
Keep going Sista,,,,and might I remind you, these THREE are more than you did when you were enabling
PEace
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey chero, just wanted to let you know that it is perfectly normal to not talk at meetings if you do not want, if fact, most don't talk for a while and everyone at my meetings are fine with that. no pressure at all, just say YOU PASS. it is done all the time.
they should not have pressured you. i don't think they had bed intentions, just like was said, they don't know the rules, and in their own way were trying to help even if they didn't go about it the right way.
they should not have pressured you. i don't think they had bed intentions, just like was said, they don't know the rules, and in their own way were trying to help even if they didn't go about it the right way.
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