just joined - my introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: toronto
Posts: 13
just joined - my introduction
I've just found this board and would like to share and join in. So,
some history about me first. I had been married for about 17 years to
an alcoholic during which time he was both sober and drunk. But drunk
most of the time. About three years ago we decided to separate. Well
I thought all my problems were over – the drunk was gone and I could
get on with my life – it was all about him and his problems, I
certainly didn't have any – except that I had given up everything for
him, did everything for him, helped him over and over again and had
been far too good for him.
So I started putting my life back together again - just like Humpty
Dumpty. Remember Humpty? He sat on a wall, had a great fall! Well I
started putting my life together from a very precarious position – I
was sitting on a wall very unbalanced. Ignoring everything around me
that was real. Looking back I can see that I was running away from
feelings of anger, hurt and resentment, I certainly didn't want to
examine anything - better just to ignore it and blame him. That was so
much easier wasn't it. He was the drunk, he caused all the grief, he
caused all the problems, he was the problem - if he was sober we would
have had a great marriage and no problems.
We stayed in touch during this time – it was a somewhat amicable
split. We decided to give our marriage another try. He had finished
the live in program at a rehab centre (3 months), he was sober and I
still loved him in fact never stopped loving him so I started in the
family support group.
I walked in the first night and I felt like a deer stuck staring at
the headlights of oncoming vehicle. I sat there listening to all these
people talk about coming to the group primarily because of the
"client" and then coming to the realization that they started coming
for themselves – their own healing. I kept thinking I'm in the middle
of a soap opera, I'm here to learn how to cope with him and his
recovery. I kept hearing we are co-dependents. What are they talking
about? All I ever did was help - not only my husband but my family, my
friends, my co-workers. Everyone. I'm the one everyone goes to for
help and solutions. I can take charge of any situation and by God fix
it. I'm the go to person with the can do attitude. Isn't that what a
good person does? Now I'm hearing that this isn't a good thing? I'm
hurting others by doing this and hurting me? What the hell are these
people talking about?
Then I really started listening, listening to people talk, listening
to what they were saying. There were so many common threads, exact
experiences that I had gone thru, same feelings of anger and
resentment. These people were hurt and angry and it was ok? It was ok
to say these things, it was ok to feel these things, it was ok to talk
about, admit? Wow! And then I had this jolt of feeling go thru me –
I'm not alone.
I started feeling like Humpty did and really started feeling my own
cracks. I not only acknowledged those feelings but felt them, in a
very deep and private place. Now what? I'd fallen – I'd had a huge
fall off that wall. Where were the king's horses? I needed to be fixed
but how?
I found out where the king's horses were. For me, they were in my
past. My past needed to be addressed, assessed, accepted, dealt with
and let go of. I found out that the strongest motivator for growth is
pain and I had no idea just how much pain I was in.
I grew up in a very harmful environment, my mother beat me, locked me
in the basement for days without food or water. She treated my
brothers and sister like they were gold and I was dirt. I was
constantly yelled at, told that I was a "bad seed". I was no good and
would never amount to anything. I was told that I was stupid, ugly,
hard to look at and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in
it. My father totally ignored the situation. It was never talked
about, I knew what they were doing was wrong what but I didn't know
what to do so I ignored it. I must be a very bad person otherwise my
parents wouldn't treat me like this. The loved me, didn't they? I kept
trying to be better person, kept doing everything they wanted and
more. I certainly didn't talk to anyone about it, the abuse went on
for years.
I have found thru therapy, reading that our lives are cyclical. We
repeat the same behaviours over and over again. Until we break that
chain. My "foundations" were never to talk about problems, feelings
should never be expressed – keep those hidden, always be strong, be
good, be perfect, don't be selfish, don't rock the boat and live by
the "do as I say not as I do creed".
So I found myself in a co-dependent role with an alcoholic and upon
examination guess what? The same behaviors were playing themselves
out. We never spoke about his drinking, I never told him how I felt
about it. I tried to "fix" it by controlling him, hide the booze, lie
to employers and friends – covering for him.
So many similarities. But this time we have addressed them talked
about it and got it out in the open. We are both on journeys of self
healing. He has his "program" and I have mine.
So here I am, still trying.
some history about me first. I had been married for about 17 years to
an alcoholic during which time he was both sober and drunk. But drunk
most of the time. About three years ago we decided to separate. Well
I thought all my problems were over – the drunk was gone and I could
get on with my life – it was all about him and his problems, I
certainly didn't have any – except that I had given up everything for
him, did everything for him, helped him over and over again and had
been far too good for him.
So I started putting my life back together again - just like Humpty
Dumpty. Remember Humpty? He sat on a wall, had a great fall! Well I
started putting my life together from a very precarious position – I
was sitting on a wall very unbalanced. Ignoring everything around me
that was real. Looking back I can see that I was running away from
feelings of anger, hurt and resentment, I certainly didn't want to
examine anything - better just to ignore it and blame him. That was so
much easier wasn't it. He was the drunk, he caused all the grief, he
caused all the problems, he was the problem - if he was sober we would
have had a great marriage and no problems.
We stayed in touch during this time – it was a somewhat amicable
split. We decided to give our marriage another try. He had finished
the live in program at a rehab centre (3 months), he was sober and I
still loved him in fact never stopped loving him so I started in the
family support group.
I walked in the first night and I felt like a deer stuck staring at
the headlights of oncoming vehicle. I sat there listening to all these
people talk about coming to the group primarily because of the
"client" and then coming to the realization that they started coming
for themselves – their own healing. I kept thinking I'm in the middle
of a soap opera, I'm here to learn how to cope with him and his
recovery. I kept hearing we are co-dependents. What are they talking
about? All I ever did was help - not only my husband but my family, my
friends, my co-workers. Everyone. I'm the one everyone goes to for
help and solutions. I can take charge of any situation and by God fix
it. I'm the go to person with the can do attitude. Isn't that what a
good person does? Now I'm hearing that this isn't a good thing? I'm
hurting others by doing this and hurting me? What the hell are these
people talking about?
Then I really started listening, listening to people talk, listening
to what they were saying. There were so many common threads, exact
experiences that I had gone thru, same feelings of anger and
resentment. These people were hurt and angry and it was ok? It was ok
to say these things, it was ok to feel these things, it was ok to talk
about, admit? Wow! And then I had this jolt of feeling go thru me –
I'm not alone.
I started feeling like Humpty did and really started feeling my own
cracks. I not only acknowledged those feelings but felt them, in a
very deep and private place. Now what? I'd fallen – I'd had a huge
fall off that wall. Where were the king's horses? I needed to be fixed
but how?
I found out where the king's horses were. For me, they were in my
past. My past needed to be addressed, assessed, accepted, dealt with
and let go of. I found out that the strongest motivator for growth is
pain and I had no idea just how much pain I was in.
I grew up in a very harmful environment, my mother beat me, locked me
in the basement for days without food or water. She treated my
brothers and sister like they were gold and I was dirt. I was
constantly yelled at, told that I was a "bad seed". I was no good and
would never amount to anything. I was told that I was stupid, ugly,
hard to look at and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in
it. My father totally ignored the situation. It was never talked
about, I knew what they were doing was wrong what but I didn't know
what to do so I ignored it. I must be a very bad person otherwise my
parents wouldn't treat me like this. The loved me, didn't they? I kept
trying to be better person, kept doing everything they wanted and
more. I certainly didn't talk to anyone about it, the abuse went on
for years.
I have found thru therapy, reading that our lives are cyclical. We
repeat the same behaviours over and over again. Until we break that
chain. My "foundations" were never to talk about problems, feelings
should never be expressed – keep those hidden, always be strong, be
good, be perfect, don't be selfish, don't rock the boat and live by
the "do as I say not as I do creed".
So I found myself in a co-dependent role with an alcoholic and upon
examination guess what? The same behaviors were playing themselves
out. We never spoke about his drinking, I never told him how I felt
about it. I tried to "fix" it by controlling him, hide the booze, lie
to employers and friends – covering for him.
So many similarities. But this time we have addressed them talked
about it and got it out in the open. We are both on journeys of self
healing. He has his "program" and I have mine.
So here I am, still trying.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
Posts: 81
Wow, welcome and thanks for an extremely honest and powerful message...I am happy to see that you both are in recovery and are still together. My heart goes out to you for all you went thru as a child. I am still trying to figure out why I keep repeating my bad behaviors over and over and over...I used to be happy, content and loved life and all it had to offer, then I got myself an AH!! But there are happy stories and I am glad for you and your husband. I know there are miracles out there and this is indeed a good one.
Good luck and God bless. L
Good luck and God bless. L
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