Aysha

Well here I am at the ultimate cross roads once again. But this time I took it to a whole new level. I was just released from the hospital today. I attempted my life last Saturday. Very well would have succeeded if Someone did not happen to come check on me. Here I am a week later with a very disfiguring scar from my chest to the bottom of my stomach from 60 staples where my small intestines had to be repaired where I repeatedly stabbed myself in my stomach with a very huge kitchen knife. On top of that ate probably 250 pills with that. Have legal problems with my job now with missing money and now my grams is in the hospital with blood loss and internal bleeding and has already had 2 transfusions.
I totally lost it. One little slip got me so down I went to these extremes that somehow there wasnt a way back.
Drugs are so powerfull. I never really relized until now.
And as you all know I never tried to be clean before.
And when I relapsed it affected me really bad.
But anytime before if i was just like i need to chill out and just stopped for awhile then started again. It was l;ike no big deal.
So what is the difference here?
Concsiousness of knowing I need to be clean and making it my lifestyle as opposed to just doing to do it for awhile just to do it.
I feel so much pressure now that I am aware of the program way.
Before it was either stop or dont.
But now that I have been to treatment for some reason its like Its all or nothing.
I dont know. I am going to need you guys more than ever now.
I need to get positive again.
OMG..How did it ever get this out of hand so fast????

Rowan

I just don't know what to say, hon. I'm so sorry that it brought you so far down.
Are you ready to surrender? Are you ready to do whatever it takes?
We can help you - but you've got to take the action, Chiynita.
Please stop before this kills you.
((((((Chiynita)))))))

Love, Rowan xoxox

Anna

I'm so sorry too Chiynita.

I do hope that this is the time that makes a difference for you. Please get the help you need and take care of yourself.

Rowan

Oh .. wanted to share this.

My boyfriend tried to kill himself 17 years ago. Stabbed himself in the heart when he was high. Drove himself to the hospital and collapsed in the ER. Died on the table. Twice. They brought him back, and he celebrated 16 years clean and sober last month. He was addicted to booze, street drugs (needles) .. you name it. Threw himself into NA, then AA. Still goes to many meetings. If he could do it, so can you.
But you gotta want it, babe.

xxoo

caladan

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I don't really know what to say, but I wish you well in the future.
Relapse can be tough, I relapsed a couple weeks ago after nearly 5 months of sobriety; felt awful and ashamed about it too. I had to let it go and move on; we just just have to accept it for what it is.... a bump in the road. I hope things start getting better for you, it sounds like an awful lot to deal with.

Best Wishes,
Caladan

xXBacktoBlackXx

Chiynita, I am so sorry to hear about what happened with you recently. =( It's so hard when our lives are so obviously spiraling out of control and we don't know how to stop it. HUGS. If you ever need anything, come to SR.

marle

Sending you some prayers for fast healing and prayers that you find your way back. Hugs, Marle

teej

chiy, I'm sorry you felt that low to do that. If there's anything you ever want to talk about in private, pm me ok? You need to be there for your gramma right now so you got to try and stay strong girl.
Ya know? The old boy must have something good in store for you, or you would have died.
Plus, do you realize how many people you have helped on this board all this time? you are a wonderful person chiy, and I'm glad your here, I love you and I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Spiritual Seeker

That's great that you are reaching out and thinking things differently. What a difference a day makes. There are answers and you're askin' good questions. Set your intent and go for it. there are stories of recovery here so it can be done.

Astro

Two years sober and I'm still not sure what my purpose in life is, what He saved me for, but I know part of it is sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others.

((((Chiynita))))

Please get some help and stop this now, the sun might not shine for you tomorrow if you don't stay clean. Sometimes the only thing that saves me is abstinance, knowing I can never safely pick up again, and that if I just make it to bed sober tonight I can wake up tomorrow and work on another 24 hours. You can do it girl.

northbelle

whew..hard lessons to learn..I have been pretty down too over my using so I can relate. I may not of went to the same extreme that you did..but I have my own extreme's believe me..You are not a bad person..you are a sick person trying to get well. If a friend had cancer wouldn't you feel empathy for them....and yet we can't let ourselves off the hook for being addicts.
I am just sorry that you have to go through this. I have seen many people around me fall lately and two of them took their own lives..and it is hard because I Do understand Why they did it. The pain gets intense sometimes.
But we are all here today..no matter what you have been through..
So did you get any kind of help in the hospital? Did they hook you up with any services that could help you?? Hey I am going to see a psychiatrist next week myself because I have had alot of suicidal thinking...
Ask for help is all I can do and stay clean today..
I am glad you are here..and will be thinking of you today.
Are you in alot of pain??? Sounds awful hun..so so sorry ..
love north

scootinbabe

chiy--omigod. **{chiy}}

glad you are here. i'm so angry at this addiction crap. why does it takes good people--sometimes forever? i've enjoyed being with you on the boards.

you are worth it honey--get mad at this crappy disease and kick its @ss. it's killing you and you got a second chance. use this. love yourself. love that little girl inside you. gather every resource and people that you can around you...

Dee74

I am so sorry you found yourself yourself in that dark place, Chiy, but I'm overjoyed you were found and bought back. I really believe there's a reason for that....

Chiynita

D

parentrecovers

thinking about you...blessings, k

Pilgrim

I know what you mean about the difference between "stopping" and a lifestyle choice. It's a whole new life in a program and it's better!

Stay close Chiy. Let us know how you are doing today.

IO Storm

Chiy....

Oh, I am so sorry for this sweetie...

And, you seemed so "tough" I erroneously believed you would just "bounce back".

I apolgize for not praying for you when you came back. Believe me girl, those

prayers are starting up now and I commit to keep it up. All of the pain in your

life, all of the doubts, all the fears, all the feelings of "I cannot go through this"

are false. I have been there and found out later that it was me fighting myself.

There is a saying in AA..We have stopped fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol.

The major thing we must stop fighting is ourselves, and circumstances. This is called

acceptance. You can recover this moment, right from the place where you are.

It is another beginning. Just feel the love coming from all of us and find strength in

your weakness. There IS areason you are still here with us...

We will be here for you.

Love,

Sherry

nogard

(((((chiy))))) thinking of you and sending prayers.

Kevin

Alive

Chiynita i am so sorry.But i know you will be ok.what can i say: I don't know you personally but i love you, i can't touch you but i am hugging you. So God didn't want you to go.....You are supposed to be here.Go live, go live the life you deserve....I know what it feels, i remember when i took pills and though it was it.You have another chance!Use this for the rest of your life as the moment when you start from zero, with no more destruction ever again.Please look at you in the mirror.You are a beautiful woman inside and outside.God wants you so bad to live, he took care of you.....You already know this, but only the light is the way....even if the dark is calling, the light is the only place where there is peace.......


I love you, we love you.But more important you need to love yourself enough to say never will i do anything the least destructive!I do love you.God bless you.Its ok now!

Aysha

De ja vu? Feels like everyday.
Today it feels like the wonderful day I found this board on my first attempt at recovery.
I remember that day exactly. March 14th. I will never forget it.
That day marked my first real fight against this beast.
I wasnt suppose to start my fight until intake to inpatient.
Funny. I cant remember that day.
But it was only 2 weeks later sometime..
This board gave me the hope...strength and courage to begin at that moment.
Not on a set date.
I hear alot of negativity about online support.
Alot of people believe in the old fashioned F2F way.
I do not knock either.
But I will have to say from my own experience.
This board helped me more than any program or F2F I have ever experienced. Besides with my family.
De ja vu?
I feel March 14th playing out again.
I feel the energy...the hope..the courage..the strength...the way.
I seriously almost killed myself last week.
It was not a half stepped attempt for attention. IT WAS THE REAL DEAL!!!!!!
My grandmother is still in the hospital.
She is aging. She cant be my super woman anymore.
The roles are reversed and I need to relize that before it is too late.
I have to stop being mad because she aging and someday possibly very soon may pass.
I will have to face life without my angel. I have to face life without her strength physically.
I need to learn from her strength she has had all her life and had with me and my whole family.
I need to step up...grow up and get it together.
I will do this. I refuse to fail and I refuse to be a chump and take the cowards way out.

I will be reborn into what I am suppose to be.
I will be clean. I will live life sober. I will succeed.
I will always remeber everone here.
And I am back you guys.
The tears are flowing. Tears of a newer beginning. Of a better tomorrow.
Of a better life.
LIFE!!!!!!
That word really has a new meaning today.
Thank you all. I am ready. I am here. And I am going to fight like I have never fought before.

Rusty Zipper

OMG chiy, just saw this... something greater then any of us has kept you alive... someday, if your story may save one person.. your job was well done...

so glad you made it back...

xxoo & many blessings... patrick