my choices, your opinions.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
my choices, your opinions.....
Hi..its me again, sorry to bother you all, but as you can see, i am very confused and overwhelmed.
I dont know what to do in my present situation as far as "preparing for the worst".
My ah still has his job...a very good one...(exec. position, makes alot of money--although most of it is going out for drugs).
So here are my choices as I see them:
1. Stay in my full-time job - low pay, no real advancement, but hours are good, its local, and i just reduced my hours so i can go to naranon meetings during the day.
2. find a new higher paying full-time job
3. find a higher paying part-time job with room for advancement and growth.
4. try the alternate route to teaching program - it would be difficult, but it is a career ive beeni thinking about for a while and I beleive i would enjoy. It wouldnt be easy, it would take alot of time, hard work, energy, etc, and i wouldnt be able to go to the naranon meetings that i feel i need.
5. go back to school to learn skills that would be useful in finding a new higher paying job.
I do have a 4 yr. degree in marketing, although i never worked in that field. I only worked full-time for 5 years before i had my kids who are 12 and 10 years old.
The other choice is to quit my job altogether for the summer, to spend time with the kids and have time to figure out what to do with my life, and then either substitute teach in the fall or get another job. the money i am paying for for camp will be what i am making, so if i quit, it would be a wash.
I amgetting advice to take this time to not get too stressed about finding a new job and worrying about that, but take care of myself and kids first...if i get divorced he will have to pay....but i guess the thing with addicts is you never know how long they willbe working. My ah is very much into "providing for his family" it was how he was raised....I cant see him loosing his job, yet i know it is a very real thing that could happen at any time...I know with some people it could take years before they get tot he point where they lose their job and everything else...but i guess am i prepared to live with him that long to find out???
I know i cant live like this forever....i deserve more...i deserve better than this.
thanks for your help, and patients....and kindness and help in getting me through when i just want to curl up in a corner!!
I dont know what to do in my present situation as far as "preparing for the worst".
My ah still has his job...a very good one...(exec. position, makes alot of money--although most of it is going out for drugs).
So here are my choices as I see them:
1. Stay in my full-time job - low pay, no real advancement, but hours are good, its local, and i just reduced my hours so i can go to naranon meetings during the day.
2. find a new higher paying full-time job
3. find a higher paying part-time job with room for advancement and growth.
4. try the alternate route to teaching program - it would be difficult, but it is a career ive beeni thinking about for a while and I beleive i would enjoy. It wouldnt be easy, it would take alot of time, hard work, energy, etc, and i wouldnt be able to go to the naranon meetings that i feel i need.
5. go back to school to learn skills that would be useful in finding a new higher paying job.
I do have a 4 yr. degree in marketing, although i never worked in that field. I only worked full-time for 5 years before i had my kids who are 12 and 10 years old.
The other choice is to quit my job altogether for the summer, to spend time with the kids and have time to figure out what to do with my life, and then either substitute teach in the fall or get another job. the money i am paying for for camp will be what i am making, so if i quit, it would be a wash.
I amgetting advice to take this time to not get too stressed about finding a new job and worrying about that, but take care of myself and kids first...if i get divorced he will have to pay....but i guess the thing with addicts is you never know how long they willbe working. My ah is very much into "providing for his family" it was how he was raised....I cant see him loosing his job, yet i know it is a very real thing that could happen at any time...I know with some people it could take years before they get tot he point where they lose their job and everything else...but i guess am i prepared to live with him that long to find out???
I know i cant live like this forever....i deserve more...i deserve better than this.
thanks for your help, and patients....and kindness and help in getting me through when i just want to curl up in a corner!!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi,
I know how you are feeling. I am three months into divorce from my exah of 25 years. We owned a business, we lost it thanks to addiction. I have good days and bad days, but I have peace and that is priceless to me.
If you can swing it, I would say take the summer to be with your kids and plan your next move. Try to save some money and put it where he can't get to it. (If I had not done that, we would be starving right now...) My ex was all about providing for his family too, as long as we did what he wanted. His tune is a little different these days....
Explore the options. You are MILES ahead of a lot of folks because you have a degree. And, don't short-change yourself! A woman that can live with an addict, run a family, raise kids, and work is capable of whatever she decides that she wants to do! *BIG grin*
You keep mentioning teaching, which has been a dream of mine, too. I gave it up years ago along with most of my other dreams, but I am in the process of getting it back.....
I started in an adult degree completion program in education that meets one night a week for 18 months. I will be done with my first term in a couple of weeks. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it! I am back out in the real world with people whose lives don't revolve around the insanity of addiction. It has given me something to do with my time and it has confirmed to me that I have not become 'dumber' in the last 15 years (since I left school to go to work in our business). If that is where your heart is, then go for it!
If you feel like curling up in a corner sometimes, then do that too! Get a book or watch a movie. You will feel better the next day, or at least that is how it is with me. Yesterday was a 'down' day, but today isn't. It just takes time.
You do deserve more and so so your kids. Be easy on yourself. You can do whatever you decide you want to do, I know you can!
I know how you are feeling. I am three months into divorce from my exah of 25 years. We owned a business, we lost it thanks to addiction. I have good days and bad days, but I have peace and that is priceless to me.
If you can swing it, I would say take the summer to be with your kids and plan your next move. Try to save some money and put it where he can't get to it. (If I had not done that, we would be starving right now...) My ex was all about providing for his family too, as long as we did what he wanted. His tune is a little different these days....
Explore the options. You are MILES ahead of a lot of folks because you have a degree. And, don't short-change yourself! A woman that can live with an addict, run a family, raise kids, and work is capable of whatever she decides that she wants to do! *BIG grin*
You keep mentioning teaching, which has been a dream of mine, too. I gave it up years ago along with most of my other dreams, but I am in the process of getting it back.....
I started in an adult degree completion program in education that meets one night a week for 18 months. I will be done with my first term in a couple of weeks. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it! I am back out in the real world with people whose lives don't revolve around the insanity of addiction. It has given me something to do with my time and it has confirmed to me that I have not become 'dumber' in the last 15 years (since I left school to go to work in our business). If that is where your heart is, then go for it!
If you feel like curling up in a corner sometimes, then do that too! Get a book or watch a movie. You will feel better the next day, or at least that is how it is with me. Yesterday was a 'down' day, but today isn't. It just takes time.
You do deserve more and so so your kids. Be easy on yourself. You can do whatever you decide you want to do, I know you can!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
The only advice I can give is as long as your AH is using, you can't count on him for a dollar. My AH was just like yours, high paying career man. He was a star at his company and moving ahead quickly. He was making more money than we could even think about spending. In the beginning of his drug use, he would still make sure he provided for our household and then blow any and all extras on drugs and gambling. However that slowly began to change and eventually he blew everything he was making on drugs and I was left trying to keep everything together. It happened so quickly I hardly even realized it at the time.
My advice is to not panic, for sure. If you've got some time, take it to figure out what is best, but definitely be finding a way to support you and your children completely on your own. Even if you divorced your husband and he was ordered to pay support, that doesn't mean he will always comply. While you have the luxury of some time right now, you need to planning for a time when you may not have the financial support.
I have come to live by the statement, "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best". If you do that, you won't be caught off guard and unprepared.
My advice is to not panic, for sure. If you've got some time, take it to figure out what is best, but definitely be finding a way to support you and your children completely on your own. Even if you divorced your husband and he was ordered to pay support, that doesn't mean he will always comply. While you have the luxury of some time right now, you need to planning for a time when you may not have the financial support.
I have come to live by the statement, "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best". If you do that, you won't be caught off guard and unprepared.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Drained, I just went to a face to face alanon meeting. It was awesome to have the people right there its a lunchtime meeting so full of people who cant go any other time cause of kids and others that are hiding the meetings from their spouse
I always though talking here was easier, and it is, but I highly recommend going and discussing what youve discussed here.
As a good example of what was mentioned above , I met someone whose addict used to own a Mercedes dealership. He's now homeless and jobless
I always though talking here was easier, and it is, but I highly recommend going and discussing what youve discussed here.
As a good example of what was mentioned above , I met someone whose addict used to own a Mercedes dealership. He's now homeless and jobless
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Well... there is the option of "embezzelment". 
You know - skimming a bit off the top of what you receive from your hubbys' great paying job. Enough to start you our fresh, in the WORST case scenario.
Because here's the deal - you don't know what that will be. Or when. You and I might have some "ideas", but nothing solid...only "what ifs".
Hubby could find a reason to get and stay sober... tomorrow. So quitting your job, or getting a job, or making a lot of plans for when he LOSES his job... might take you in a direction you don't need to go.
Planning for disaster is good, but it can become a lifestyle and a job in itself.
My sponsor tells me to: Wait. Pray. More shall be revealed.
I like the idea of taking the summer and exploring options... and if he is still providing for you - why not set some aside in an emergency fund? That fund can easily be used for a family vacation if things turn out well. Or to fund a fresh start if they do not.
(((hugs))))
PS - Meetings made the biggest difference for me... but I think the program ideas take some time to assimilate. The sooner you start that part of recovery, I am betting, the better you will feel.
You know - skimming a bit off the top of what you receive from your hubbys' great paying job. Enough to start you our fresh, in the WORST case scenario.
Because here's the deal - you don't know what that will be. Or when. You and I might have some "ideas", but nothing solid...only "what ifs".
Hubby could find a reason to get and stay sober... tomorrow. So quitting your job, or getting a job, or making a lot of plans for when he LOSES his job... might take you in a direction you don't need to go.
Planning for disaster is good, but it can become a lifestyle and a job in itself.
My sponsor tells me to: Wait. Pray. More shall be revealed.
I like the idea of taking the summer and exploring options... and if he is still providing for you - why not set some aside in an emergency fund? That fund can easily be used for a family vacation if things turn out well. Or to fund a fresh start if they do not.
(((hugs))))
PS - Meetings made the biggest difference for me... but I think the program ideas take some time to assimilate. The sooner you start that part of recovery, I am betting, the better you will feel.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
first of all, we don't mind you "bothering" us. My gosh.. if I had not "bothered" everyone here and goteen some great advice, good ears listening and wonderful support I would not have moved forward as I have!
It sounds to me like you are reviewing your options and considering your directions. I agree with everyone else.. it can happy very quickly. I agree with the idea of skimming some $$ off the top and saving it cuz you never know.
If you want to take the summer off and it will be helpful and you can get another job, then do it. This is your choice.
Fact is, it sounds like you have a lot of choices here and none of them sound like bad ones.
I also agree with everyone here that relying on an addict is a bad way to go.
You sound like you are truly moving forward.
It sounds to me like you are reviewing your options and considering your directions. I agree with everyone else.. it can happy very quickly. I agree with the idea of skimming some $$ off the top and saving it cuz you never know.
If you want to take the summer off and it will be helpful and you can get another job, then do it. This is your choice.
Fact is, it sounds like you have a lot of choices here and none of them sound like bad ones.
I also agree with everyone here that relying on an addict is a bad way to go.
You sound like you are truly moving forward.
Dreamer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 81
Although I don't have any kids I can understand how if feels to not be where you want to be in your professional life. Just last October I finally decided to grow up and stop doing flaky promotions and start working a regular Mon-Fri 8-5 office job. I wasted about 3 years after college partying with my xabf. But by growing up, I had to stop doing drugs all the time and couldn't hang out with my ex as much which made us grow apart and eventually we broke up.
I've decided to move up to Orange County next month to be closer to my family and I'll have to start over again, it's pretty scary, I haven't been sleeping as well lately, I just want to get the move overwith and get settled again. I have a degree in marketing as well and I'm not really using it either even though I know I have the potential. But I try to look at this as a learning experience and to not get so down on myself, which you should try to do too, you can't change the past but you can change what's ahead. It will be more work to make a change but what do you have to lose? It doesn't sound like you're very happy at your job anyway so just go for it!
And if you think that you should go back to school and that there's something you're better suited for then you should try it. I'm thinking of going back to school to pursue a career in the fashion industry which will be a lot easier since I will be living closer to L.A. Getting gratification out of what people do for a career makes a huge impact on their life since we spend most of our time at work anyway, that's what I'm realizing and it's become easier for me to focus on what's important to me now that my ex is out of my life and I can't look to him anymore to make me happy. It's forcing me to focus on me but it's a great thing, it just seems scary cause now I have to work on me and not on our relationship. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide is the most important for you right now.
I've decided to move up to Orange County next month to be closer to my family and I'll have to start over again, it's pretty scary, I haven't been sleeping as well lately, I just want to get the move overwith and get settled again. I have a degree in marketing as well and I'm not really using it either even though I know I have the potential. But I try to look at this as a learning experience and to not get so down on myself, which you should try to do too, you can't change the past but you can change what's ahead. It will be more work to make a change but what do you have to lose? It doesn't sound like you're very happy at your job anyway so just go for it!
And if you think that you should go back to school and that there's something you're better suited for then you should try it. I'm thinking of going back to school to pursue a career in the fashion industry which will be a lot easier since I will be living closer to L.A. Getting gratification out of what people do for a career makes a huge impact on their life since we spend most of our time at work anyway, that's what I'm realizing and it's become easier for me to focus on what's important to me now that my ex is out of my life and I can't look to him anymore to make me happy. It's forcing me to focus on me but it's a great thing, it just seems scary cause now I have to work on me and not on our relationship. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide is the most important for you right now.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I agree with ncdeac and BigSis
If you know you have a little money saved up, it's not so scarey when you have to make it on your own. Start now.
It's so very true that addicts usually lose their jobs sooner or later.
I hope things get better for you soon.
If you know you have a little money saved up, it's not so scarey when you have to make it on your own. Start now.
It's so very true that addicts usually lose their jobs sooner or later.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 28
You're lucky to have choices! I agree with scimming money off the top. Why not, he does it for drugs. But be careful where you put it. if you could stay with your kids, that would be great, because if things go bad, you know you had a summer of fun and fun memories.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Meetings run all the time, I don't think that arranging your life around one meeting time is what we should do. Meetings are really important but not to the point where they should come into conflict of making ends meet or making life decisions
You have so many great options and opportunities here, I don't think making choices regarding making your meetings should be considered into your decisions.
Rose
You have so many great options and opportunities here, I don't think making choices regarding making your meetings should be considered into your decisions.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Hi Drainedwife..
All of your plans seems to be very good one's. Not sure which one you should take. Only you will know.
One thing I can give you, is a little experience from me. I went back to school part time in the evenings for upgrading. It can be tough. I thought for a few weeks there, "is this all worth it?" I found AH klinging to my thoughts and they traveled with me at school. I really had to distance myself from the situation in order to do well in my subjects..
Just a little advise if you decide to make the plunge!
(((hugs)))
All of your plans seems to be very good one's. Not sure which one you should take. Only you will know.
One thing I can give you, is a little experience from me. I went back to school part time in the evenings for upgrading. It can be tough. I thought for a few weeks there, "is this all worth it?" I found AH klinging to my thoughts and they traveled with me at school. I really had to distance myself from the situation in order to do well in my subjects..
Just a little advise if you decide to make the plunge!
(((hugs)))
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