Third relapse-is it time to leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 6
Third relapse-is it time to leave?
Hi everyone. I am new to this site. My husband went into a 30 day program in december 2005 after almost drinking himself to death. He is a good man and a successful businessman. He got out of rehab in January 2006. He had a 1 day relapse in June 2006. He then had a 1 day relapse in October 2006, during which he bacame emotionally abusive towards me and it took him several days to detox with librium. He then remained sober until last week, when he fell off the wagon and drank for 4 days, missing 2 days of work, and ended up in the hospital overnight to begin detoxing on librium. He is now back at home and work, and has been sober for 7 days, but I have been staying with my mother. He lied to me several times about his drinking last week, and I am not sure I am going to stay with him. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday.
I love my husband, but he is very ill. We do not have children, and I am 32 and want a family very badly. I am really struggling with whether I should stay or leave. I h ope this time he'll clean up his act for good, but I don't feel like I can trust him. I am not sure I want to live my life looking over my shoulder and waiting for another relapse. My husband has always shunned AA and said it wasn't for him. Now he says he plans on going to occasional meetings. I just don't know what to think. Any words of wisdom?
I love my husband, but he is very ill. We do not have children, and I am 32 and want a family very badly. I am really struggling with whether I should stay or leave. I h ope this time he'll clean up his act for good, but I don't feel like I can trust him. I am not sure I want to live my life looking over my shoulder and waiting for another relapse. My husband has always shunned AA and said it wasn't for him. Now he says he plans on going to occasional meetings. I just don't know what to think. Any words of wisdom?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Welcome to SR caity1!!! You've come to the right place as their or others on here asking the SAME question you are. And each coming to the conclusions that best suits them.
Its good you created some distance by staying at your Mom's. Breathing room and the ability to sort is sometimes the best thing for you.
I'm in the process of trying to detach and seperate from ym A. I'm here to tell ya, it ain't easy, and I struggle every day with keeping the focus on ME. Thats hard when for so long, my main focus was my A. For me, its pretty simple. I am codependant in my relationship and need to learn how to take care of myself FIRST. We as adults are responsible for our own CHOICES, and if my A wants to make the choice to drink, I am powerless over that.
My advice
Be good to yourself. Get all the support you can using the tools avaialble 9counseling, al anon, SR, family and friends)
Welcome to the boards. I looke forward to getting to know you
Peace
Its good you created some distance by staying at your Mom's. Breathing room and the ability to sort is sometimes the best thing for you.
I'm in the process of trying to detach and seperate from ym A. I'm here to tell ya, it ain't easy, and I struggle every day with keeping the focus on ME. Thats hard when for so long, my main focus was my A. For me, its pretty simple. I am codependant in my relationship and need to learn how to take care of myself FIRST. We as adults are responsible for our own CHOICES, and if my A wants to make the choice to drink, I am powerless over that.
My advice
Be good to yourself. Get all the support you can using the tools avaialble 9counseling, al anon, SR, family and friends)
Welcome to the boards. I looke forward to getting to know you
Peace
ritabee
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Hi Caity and welcome
I can't give you any advice on whether to stay or leave him. But I do understand how it's very hard to trust them. The lying last week was the disease talking, trying to protect itself. I hate the lies more than anything!
I think that there are very few who go into rehab (or just quit on their own) who DON'T have a few relapses on their way to total sobriety. The problem is that once the booze gets back into their system they just can't pee it out the next day and it's gone. The residual effects stay in their system for a long time after the drinking ends.
I too am involved with someone who completed rehab last December, but has had many "slips" since then (including the whole week right after being released from rehab, ending with a DUI, loss of license and jail time). He says he really enjoys AA and gets a lot out of the meetings but he hasn't been to one since April 22. I have to listen to what he DOES, not what he SAYS!
They have to want sobriety more than they want anything else (especially drinking) and they have to make sobriety their #1 priority. You will know if he's doing that or not by his attitude, actions etc. And never brush aside your gut instincts.
Remember, you don't have to decide anything TODAY.
Also, it gets said over and over but if you haven't already, give Alanon a try for at least 6 meetings. You will find out so much, you will meet others who understand and you will start to focus on YOU, not HIM.
And hey, if he wants to go to occasional meetings himself, then great. Even one meeting is better than none and who knows, he might make some friends or hear some stories that he can relate to and decide to make AA a priority!
Rita
I can't give you any advice on whether to stay or leave him. But I do understand how it's very hard to trust them. The lying last week was the disease talking, trying to protect itself. I hate the lies more than anything!
I think that there are very few who go into rehab (or just quit on their own) who DON'T have a few relapses on their way to total sobriety. The problem is that once the booze gets back into their system they just can't pee it out the next day and it's gone. The residual effects stay in their system for a long time after the drinking ends.
I too am involved with someone who completed rehab last December, but has had many "slips" since then (including the whole week right after being released from rehab, ending with a DUI, loss of license and jail time). He says he really enjoys AA and gets a lot out of the meetings but he hasn't been to one since April 22. I have to listen to what he DOES, not what he SAYS!
They have to want sobriety more than they want anything else (especially drinking) and they have to make sobriety their #1 priority. You will know if he's doing that or not by his attitude, actions etc. And never brush aside your gut instincts.
Remember, you don't have to decide anything TODAY.
Also, it gets said over and over but if you haven't already, give Alanon a try for at least 6 meetings. You will find out so much, you will meet others who understand and you will start to focus on YOU, not HIM.
And hey, if he wants to go to occasional meetings himself, then great. Even one meeting is better than none and who knows, he might make some friends or hear some stories that he can relate to and decide to make AA a priority!
Rita
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
They say, correctly, that actions speak louder than words. His actions seem to be screaming, "I'm not recovered. I'm nowhere near recovered. I'd make a rotten father. Having a baby isn't going to make me change."
Ah, I know I sound hard because he is a good man. You know what tho, those of us who post here a lot hear that all the time. I've wondered aloud before if they aren't wonderful partners when sober because they want us to be tolerant of their drinking. They're all good (wo)men except that they are screwing their partners out of the life and partnership they deserve.
You matter. Your wants matter. You will not be fertile forever. What do you want out of life?
Love
Ah, I know I sound hard because he is a good man. You know what tho, those of us who post here a lot hear that all the time. I've wondered aloud before if they aren't wonderful partners when sober because they want us to be tolerant of their drinking. They're all good (wo)men except that they are screwing their partners out of the life and partnership they deserve.
You matter. Your wants matter. You will not be fertile forever. What do you want out of life?
Love
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome to SR
Please keep reading and learning .... knowledge you will receive here will help empower you to change your life. There are so many variables in every situation that it makes it impossible to tell someone else what decision they should make.
You are having serious concerns about your relationship and his sincerity about recovering .... and, most importantly, you don't have children and want them for your future. I know that for me making a decision to leave would have been so much easier without having children .... if you have children with an alcoholic, your life and your children's lives will become so much more difficult and challenging. Only you know ulimately what will be best for you ... just keep reading and coming back... the more you know, the easier it will become to make that decision.
Please keep reading and learning .... knowledge you will receive here will help empower you to change your life. There are so many variables in every situation that it makes it impossible to tell someone else what decision they should make.
You are having serious concerns about your relationship and his sincerity about recovering .... and, most importantly, you don't have children and want them for your future. I know that for me making a decision to leave would have been so much easier without having children .... if you have children with an alcoholic, your life and your children's lives will become so much more difficult and challenging. Only you know ulimately what will be best for you ... just keep reading and coming back... the more you know, the easier it will become to make that decision.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Ya know, I didn't have children and it ripped my heart out. Nothing easy about it.
If this is the man you thought you'd have a family with, it's a difficult decision to make. Have you considered Al-Anon?
If this is the man you thought you'd have a family with, it's a difficult decision to make. Have you considered Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by caity1 
....He then had a 1 day relapse in October 2006, during which he bacame emotionally abusive towards me and it took him several days to detox with librium. ...... He lied to me several times about his drinking last week, and I am not sure I am going to stay with him. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday.
In my experience you don't need to detox on librium after a 1 day relapse... was it longer than that or was he lying to you then to? They do have incredible ways of fooling so many. They are smart that way.
What is marriage? When I decided to leave was actually long after the marriage had quit being a marriage. I was seemingly the parent to an adult child. There was no sharing, no trust, no companionship - all the things I think were/are love and marriage. He still reminds me how he said he loved me almost every day - but the words had no meaning to me - the marriage was over, he just needed me. The lies are really innumerable, but then again I think of how his perception is just so off - that he probably doesn't even remember what the truth is, or even what honesty is.
I'm still waiting for the official end to the marriage... it's been nearly 8 months since I filed, 2 more months to go.
From a mother's perspective - I would not want to bring children into the situation. My 3 have been in counseling for 9 months now - I'm dealing with all sorts of emotional problems resulting from the past years of our lives & them seeing their dad the way he is. My best friend just lost her dad, I went to the funeral today- she was crying - she will honestly miss him, he was her rock. I wonder what my kids will think when their dad dies. I wonder who will walk my girls down the aisle - I don't think they'll want their dad to.
Glad you're here Caity1!!
There are many here who have been in your shoes and many different paths we have chosen. Listen, & learn about your self and chose the path that's right for you.
Good luck.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well I do.
A year of sobriety should be a benchmark to even thinking of being with him.
Your life and happiness should be foremost at this point.
Alanon would be great for you if you are not going already.
A year of sobriety should be a benchmark to even thinking of being with him.
Your life and happiness should be foremost at this point.
Alanon would be great for you if you are not going already.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
welcome Caity....take your time and really think about what will be best for YOU. not easy, i know...you don't have to make a decision today....but i have a feeling you already know what you have to do (leave) and just need support to get the ball rolling...if that is the case, you have come to the right place! read everything you can here...blessings...
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Just a thought to consider: They say children of addicts are predisposed to addiction. Be careful who fathers your children. I made that mistake and divorced when my son was only two which was not easy for my son.Then ex had lots of visitation to have my son exposed to a bad lifestyle. Alcoholism is progressive and if you end up leaving one day try to do it w/o kids involved. Best wishes as you struggle with this.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hi,
You won't be able to change his wanting to drink, or his bingeing.
You can change your behavior and attitude though, in a very healthy way through alanon. It teaches you coping skills that help you to make better choices for your life, and give you much needed support.
You won't be able to change his wanting to drink, or his bingeing.
You can change your behavior and attitude though, in a very healthy way through alanon. It teaches you coping skills that help you to make better choices for your life, and give you much needed support.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Even if your husband sobers up - there are no guarantee's. He may relapse in a month, a year, five - ten - or twenty years from now. I don't mean to sound negative as there are some that do recover and never drink again. But often times I hear "If he'd only stop drinking" and then later it's back to the same "I can't believe he's drinking again". I'm not being negative - just trying to be realistic.
I guess what really matters is that you understand that you cannot control your husband's drinking nor can you control his recovery. Only he can do that.
I've heard it said here before - "Can you accept him just the way he is today? Because he may never change."
I'd like to add - "Can you accept your own life just the way it is today? Or are you ready to change?"
You see, you only have yourself that you can control. You only have yourself that can change your life. You have you that you can rely on and depend on. It's up to you to make the life that you wish to have.
Welcome to SR. I hope you read all that you can.
I guess what really matters is that you understand that you cannot control your husband's drinking nor can you control his recovery. Only he can do that.
I've heard it said here before - "Can you accept him just the way he is today? Because he may never change."
I'd like to add - "Can you accept your own life just the way it is today? Or are you ready to change?"
You see, you only have yourself that you can control. You only have yourself that can change your life. You have you that you can rely on and depend on. It's up to you to make the life that you wish to have.
Welcome to SR. I hope you read all that you can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Nothing easy about being in your 30's and realizing that your husband's most likely not father material. I'm in the same boat...sigh.
I didn't want to face reality for a long time. I just kept thinking he'd grow out of "it". I just didn't know how insidious the sickness really is. I held on for a long time because it was just too painful to accept that my dream was not going to come true...or, rather, that it was going to have change - drastically.
It breaks my heart to think of not having children with my AH because I love him so much (still!). But I can't do that to myself! And I definitely don't want to bring children into a potentially toxic situation.
I just can't imagine dealing with a relapse 10 years down the road with kids to contend with. I know too much now about the disease, so I can't trust him.
I didn't want to face reality for a long time. I just kept thinking he'd grow out of "it". I just didn't know how insidious the sickness really is. I held on for a long time because it was just too painful to accept that my dream was not going to come true...or, rather, that it was going to have change - drastically.
It breaks my heart to think of not having children with my AH because I love him so much (still!). But I can't do that to myself! And I definitely don't want to bring children into a potentially toxic situation.
I just can't imagine dealing with a relapse 10 years down the road with kids to contend with. I know too much now about the disease, so I can't trust him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by caity1
Hi everyone. I am new to this site. My husband went into a 30 day program in december 2005 after almost drinking himself to death. He is a good man and a successful businessman. He got out of rehab in January 2006. He had a 1 day relapse in June 2006. He then had a 1 day relapse in October 2006, during which he bacame emotionally abusive towards me and it took him several days to detox with librium. He then remained sober until last week, when he fell off the wagon and drank for 4 days, missing 2 days of work, and ended up in the hospital overnight to begin detoxing on librium. He is now back at home and work, and has been sober for 7 days, but I have been staying with my mother. He lied to me several times about his drinking last week, and I am not sure I am going to stay with him. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday.
I love my husband, but he is very ill. We do not have children, and I am 32 and want a family very badly. I am really struggling with whether I should stay or leave. I h ope this time he'll clean up his act for good, but I don't feel like I can trust him. I am not sure I want to live my life looking over my shoulder and waiting for another relapse. My husband has always shunned AA and said it wasn't for him. Now he says he plans on going to occasional meetings. I just don't know what to think. Any words of wisdom?
I love my husband, but he is very ill. We do not have children, and I am 32 and want a family very badly. I am really struggling with whether I should stay or leave. I h ope this time he'll clean up his act for good, but I don't feel like I can trust him. I am not sure I want to live my life looking over my shoulder and waiting for another relapse. My husband has always shunned AA and said it wasn't for him. Now he says he plans on going to occasional meetings. I just don't know what to think. Any words of wisdom?
I would say leave, but it's easier said than done. I still wonder what's in store for me ahead. There's been many of relapses here and the drug is like a truth serum.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by caity1
Thank you all for our input....it helps so much to know I am not alone...
So how you doin Caity1?
Are you still maintaining some space?
Hope your taking care of YOU. Being gentle and kind to yourself as you navigate the waters
Peace
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
welcome caity - all i could think reading your post at 34 (with no kids) is give me those last two years back! i wish i could go back to 32 and make some different decisions then- let alone i wish i had the last 8 eights i've been with a AH back
believe me i would have made some different decisions.
i can only speak for myself caity, but it hasn't gotten better here. ah went to outpatient treatment, but the most he was sober was two months and once that happens and they relapse it seems it is even harder.
i've gotten better myself. i've grown tremedously in the last few months especially. i've went on a journey of self exploration and have gotten a lot of myself back. this site will help you tremedously. counseling helps. alanon helps. reading and learning as much as you can really helps too.
believe me i would have made some different decisions. i can only speak for myself caity, but it hasn't gotten better here. ah went to outpatient treatment, but the most he was sober was two months and once that happens and they relapse it seems it is even harder.
i've gotten better myself. i've grown tremedously in the last few months especially. i've went on a journey of self exploration and have gotten a lot of myself back. this site will help you tremedously. counseling helps. alanon helps. reading and learning as much as you can really helps too.
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