dobiediva

Much to my relief he is allowed to go home and be under house arrest. I was having a rough morning. His ex wife called me and told me she was hiring an attorney to prevent him from ever seeing his son again. I took that very hard as that is all he has left. After an hour long conversation she decided that she will not pursue it but will also not allow him to visit A in jail. I just called her back to tell her he was going home and she agreed to sit down with him and his son and tell him together. (Whew) The little guy will be devastated!

I'm on the fence about the whole jail for one year thing. Part of me wants him to go and finally PAY for his mistake. But I also know he won't get help in jail. He's been through the "jail rehab" and its a joke. Does anybody know if the judge can allow him to go to a REAL treatment facility instead of serving the full year?? I was thinking about writing to the judge and begging for treatment instead but its not my place anymore to try to help him. Yet I still feel there is hope for him if he finds the right place. He WANTS help. Just doesn't believe his problem is bad enough to warrant inpatient treatment (because he doesn't have to drink everyday) And how many people have gone through treatment and FAILED? I can't live through that. But I can't let him go either. What is it about the chaos they cause that brings us codies running to "comfort, save, whatever"?! I dont even know if he's speaking to me anymore. He knows I called. I'm sure he's furious with me.

If I would've heard he was coming home yesterday I would've said let him rot in jail. But after talking to his ex wife and knowing what this will cost I can't help but want to HELP HIM! I was so relieved to hear he was being bailed out. It took some of the guilt away.

5Stars

I hear you about how he doesnt think his problem warrants inpatient treatment. Mine didnt think so either. And to be honest I wasnt sure myself that it did. He didnt drink every day but damn near close to it. And he didnt drink super heavy. It was 4 to 12 beers when he did drink. And at most 25 for an all day BBQ's or other occassion.

Mine too WANTED help. But it seemed he just couldnt HELP it by himself. The desire to drink and the cravings were very intense. Plus the disease telling him that he could truly "control it" led him to drink those first few and kept the cycle going.

Currently he is 11 days sober, and hasnt been struggling with the desires too much. He is taking Antabuse (which makes you very sick when you consume alcohol) and Campral (to reduce the cravings to drink)
This seems to be working for him. All other times he has stopped drinking every other day he would "joke" about picking up a 24oz, or grabbing a bottle of wine, (for me of course, but when it was there HE was the one who opened it up and it was gone before I got a glass, just another form of manipulation) He would "joke" just to test the waters and see if I was going to flip out. If I did he would sometimes let it go, if I didnt he thought he had a good chance and would bug me all night about it until I gave in.

But so far no manipulation. At all...he hasnt "joked" about picking up a bottle of wine, or couple of beers and says the medication really curbs the cravings. Plus even if the desire is there he knows if he does drink he will get very sick.

Ok now the medications are not miracle drugs and dont work for everyone. I have even heard that some people can still drink taking it (my A doesnt know that, and I wont EVER tell him) but I think it is worth a shot for any A who really wants help but needs a little help as well.

I dont know your whole story but you may want to read up on it, it may be an option. For us its working and I know its only been 11 days but we/he is off to a very good start. Either way good luck to you and yours.

Take care of yourself and remember that him saying he wants to could be a form of manipulation in itself.
P.S. I am very proud of you for what you did. And the poster who said "even though his "baby" is now gone, you may have just saved our "babies" really hit home. I have four small babies and the thought of a drunk driver taking one or all of us in a car accident kills me. i thank you... from the bottom of my heart.

elizabeth1979

None of this, is your job to fix dobie. None of this is your problem.


This is the problem you have control over. What can you do today that is good for you?

dobiediva

yep. I know none of this is my job but today after dealing with his ex wife I want nothing more than to give him once last save. I wish I never answered the phone when she called. That call upset me more than anything he's ever done. It brought out my "mama bear" reflexes to save the relationship between A and his son. Funny, that's not my place--not at ALL! But talking to her awakened something in me that made me want to fight for him. (DAMN CODIE TENDENCIES!!) I adore his son. Love him like he was mine. I couldn't imagine him being taken away from his dad for good. I hope A sees this as another chance and TAKES IT! If he doesn't then I'm ready to let him rot in jail.

He's never tried any prescriptions to help him fight his addictions. The last 3 times in "rehab" were through the jail (and we all know what a JOKE the jail rehab programs are). He tried to check himself into an inpatient rehab last year and they told him flat out that he doesn't need inpatient rehab because he doesn't drink every day. Didn't offer him any alternatives tho' either and he didn't think to ask. Hopefully this time he'll pester them until they get him some help. I told him to call his doctor ( while ago when things were getting really bad) and he said he didn't want to take any drugs to help him fight it. He can do it "on my own". Maybe the threat of 1 year in jail will help him rethink that position!

dollydo

To me, you are way too involved in "his issues", it is not your place.

He is an adult, the relationship he has with his ex and his son, is his to own and resolve.

I do commend you for calling 911, now let go...time for him to face the music.

My Best,

Dolly

rosalie

You sound like a great step mother. You certainly should have some input into your step son seeing his Father.
Yes there are court appointed mandated "detox instead of jailtime" detox/hospitals. You need to make a request to a judge in a court of law for this to happen.If he wants help he will go. Does he have a probation officer you could talk with?

Spiritual Seeker

QUOTE: I can't help but want to HELP HIM! DON't Sometimes our behaviors are worse than the alcoholic and this would be your thinkin' that you need to help him. Don't do for him what he must do for himself is basic recovery lingo

dobiediva

Yes he has a probation officer and he is meeting with the attorney tomorrow to see if he can discuss an inpatient treatment center. He said he knows he will have to serve at least 160 days but was hoping if he goes to treatment that it won't be the full year's sentence that the judge promised him 3 years ago when he got his last DUI. I told him whatever happens is up to him and the judge but that regardless he needs to get away from his friends, family, and ME and just take the time HE needs to get his life back together. For now my codie tendencies and my heart are over powering. I want to "stand by my man". Its gonna hurt if I leave now and it will hurt when he goes away for a year. I can take that year that he is gone to fix myself and either be here for him when he returns or get on with a life without him. But I can't make that decision right now. Right now it hurts too much to think of him not being here. But once he's gone I can clear my head and decide what I want. I just can't write him off today.

Mr. Christian

Wow, guilt? Save him?
Sounds like some big issues need to be addressed here, and I’m not talking about him.

Helping him out one more time or even bailing him out one more time is hurting him a lot more then helping him.
I know that sounds funny, but it’s very true.

Have you looked into Alanon at all?

rosalie

I think you have an excellent plan. A year alone will be good for both of you.I do so hope the judge goes along with inpatient as you and he both wish.Let us know.

dobiediva

Mr C I do go to alanon. I'm not ready to turn my back on him right now. I have never bailed him out (didn't do it this time either. His brother posted his bond) and do not intend to make excuses for what he did. I am merely acting with compassion as I woud do for anybody else in the same boat. Unfortunatley this "someone else" happens to have a huge piece of my heart. Having compassion for him and listening to him and trying to help his SON get through this as easily as possible is not a bad thing in my opinion. I think the compassion I feel is normal. If I didn't feel compassion for what he is about to go through I would rather be dead. I'm not going to let his problems consume my life. He knows that. I know that. But I WILL support him as much as I can without paying financially or otherwise for his mistakes. Emotional is all I am willing to offer at this point. Its all I CAN offer. He will only be around for a little while. what difference does it make if I cut off from him emotionally NOW or when I am ready to (if I am ready to) when he is no longer around? If I can't get closure on this I will always have the whatifs running through my head like many on this board. It may come back to bite me in the butt if he fails at this and if that happens I will deal with it then. But for now, for today I am standing by him with what little bit of hope I have that this is THE time. If it isn't I will find out and react however the moment suits me. I told him that I can't promise I will be here when he gets out. But for today I will give him as much emotional support as I can afford to give and will continue to do that for as long as I can. That's all I can do. That's all I WILL do.

harleygirl92156

You know I am a faithful member of Alanon and have been for nearly three years. I work a good program, but don't agree with some of these statements.

When you are married, some of his issues are your issues. First, if A doesn't get to spend time with son she doesn't either, and the affects her so it is her issue as well.

Second, if you feel a need to write or call the judge and request inpatient treatment, do it. I believe we must take care of ourselves and by requesting inpatient treatment you are doing just that. It is obvious you love this man and want the relationship to work out in the long run. You are aware of your codie tendencies, going to Alanon and trying your best to do what is right, right for you. Some times what others consider interference is in reality a way of taking care of ourselves.

Kinda like you calling the cops on him. Was that interfering with his life.......certainly it was, BUT it was also taking care of yourself so you would have to live with it the rest of your life if you didnt call and he hurt someone.

If you feel you are interferring in a way you shouldn't be, you most likely are. I find that if I feel that way, I need to step back and look at my motive for interferring. Am I doing it for revenge, out of anger, or to preserve something for myself like my sanity or my marriage.

Only you can judge if you are interferring, look at yourself and your motives carefully and then do what is right for you. Some may see it as interferrence, but that is their opinion and your opinion about what is the right thing to do is the only one that counts here.

There is a difference between interferring and rescuing and from reading your posts, I believe you are aware of the difference. Keep working your program, keep going to Al anon and before you do anything, STOP, THINK and evaluate the motive. If the motive is to better your life then do it.

I know my opinon on marriage and couples in recovery isn't always very popular on here, but it is my opinion. I live by the slogan "take what you want and leave the rest." My opinion on couples and marriage related to recovery is that our lives are not completely seperate but intertwined and what affects them affects us and that is just the way it is.

I think sometimes marriage seems far to disposable.

dobiediva

Thanks Harley Girl. Want to clarify tho' that we are not married which is why I can get away with offering ONLY emotional support. I love his son like my own tho' (he and my son are best friends) and will fight to protect him as best I can. I have my own separate house, finances, etc which he doesn't have access to. The only thing I have invested in this relationship is my heart. I'm letting him fall but offering him a shoulder to cry on. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not! But it FEELS like its what I need to do right now. Tomorrow may be different.

Spiritual Seeker

sounds like you are thinkin' this through and you do know what is best. Good for you

Mr. Christian

I think people often feel that getting their own life and stepping out of the way of train wreck is “turning their back” on some one.

Which in really is not the case.


Fact of the matter is the alcoholic has turned their back on family, life and world as a whole.

As for what he is about to go through, it’s his own making.
Best thing that could happen, an adult being accountable for his own actions.

Your separate life is important and it does sound like you have it.

A good YEAR of sobriety is really best before anyone should even consider getting back together.
I know that sounds like a long time but it’s a good benchmark.

Tazman53

You know I just do not understand this in the same way I guess you all do not understand an alcoholic.

You are not helping me to do a damn thing except continue to drink as long as you keep on trying to make it to where I do not have to face my problem alone!

My first wife tried it and then you came along and picked up the pieces and helped me..... which allowed me to continue to drink, My first wife did what was right for her and my child, and if you had not come along would have forced me to face my problem head on.

As long as my wife helped me do anything I was going to continue to drink, I would lie to her and tell her anything to keep her helping me!

I would tell her I was going to quit this time!

I tell you "The jail rehab is a joke, if it was any good I would not be drinking again." I was once again blaming some one or some thing else for my problem!

When I was ready to get sober is when it worked for me!

I will keep on being a liar and blaming every one and everything under the sun for my problems as long as you will beleive me and keep on helping me to drink!

Only I can solve my problems, as long as you solve my problems I will continue to drink.

The problems are mine, not yours, they are my fault, not yours, as long as you solve my prolems, I have no problems! It is not until I am left with no choice but to solve my own problems that I will have problems and I will either solve them or I will pay the price for my problems.