MeggieStar

WARNING: What follows is a total feeling sorry for myself vent.

Hi All,

It's been two weeks since AH and I separated. He entered a rehab two days later, for a month stay. Ever since this happened, I have been dealing with so many emotions. I have a three year old who seems ok with his Dad being gone, but on the other hand is constantly hanging on me, especially when I am trying to do something or just take a moment for myself.

I had been going to school full time for the past two years for Teaching, and not working. I am supposed to student teach in the fall. (This means working full time during the day for NO money!!) So I am looking for ANY job right now to be able to support myself and little guy. I've put in what seems like endless applications to a million places and NO ONE has called me! For anything! It makes me feel SO worthless that I can't even get a secretary job, even with plenty of office experience.

I have seen AH a few times on Sundays for visitation with our son. I do not truly believe he is dedicated to getting better because he is completely involved with trying to keep communication going with a possible job opportunity. He has asked me to do things, like check his email and respond to the potential employer in his name, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I have tried to hold my boundaries and not do too much to help him. I believe that if I see him this week I will tell him I cannot help him do anything anymore. There are times when I have spoken to him that he is very repentant and crying when he sees us. Then there are other times when he seems to only care about his outside crap, not recovery or his family. I told him I don't wish to speak to him except for by letter or at visitation. Doesn't stop him from calling though, even when he is not supposed to have phone privledges.

I want to file for divorce, but I don't want to...I told AH this past sunday that I don't want him to come home when he leaves rehab. He asked why? And I just said that I won't be ready and I doubt he will either. On the other hand, I feel so terrible about not working and so depressed about the separation and the situation I just wish I had someone here.

I think things would be much easier for me if I cut off all contact with AH, but this isn't possible because of our son. I believe our son should see his Dad when he is sober and right now he is. All the people who run the rehab are always saying how important it is for addicts to have family support and what a difference it makes but this sucks for me.

I just feel so down about everything, my marriage, my weight (I can't stop eating), no one seems to want me for a job, and to top it off, my 10 year reunion is coming up at the end of the summer. I can't imagine walking in there, fat and alone and having to say, oh yeah, I don't have a job and I'm getting divorced. When everyone else is looking young and fresh and happily married.

I am trying to do the best I can, I am trying to take care of business, I am trying to be a good mom and I have family support, so why do I feel so horrible?? I hate AH but I don't. I am confused but resigned to what has happened. I know the right decisions but I can't seem to get there. I feel so stuck and I'd like to go back to the bed for a week but I have this little boy who depends on me and can't stand to let me out of his sight.

Thanks for letting me vent here, I really needed to get it out of my head.

kj0975

Sorry this is happening and I understand I have no words of wisdom. I am trying to look for a job myself and it does get upsetting and frustrating when no one seems to want u. I have sent out tons of resumes and no phone call. All I can do is hope someone sees that I am good and I will be an asset to their company. With all else that is going on with u feels like the weight of the world is one your shoulders just do what your comfortable doing and let the rest go. (((HUGS)))

cece1960

I'm sorry (((Meggie))))
As much as it doesn't solve anything...your feelings are valid and...(dare I say) normal considering all thats happened/changed these past few weeks.

Try taking this on one step/challenge at a time...

Reunion...not important right now. By the time it rolls around you may feel differently, maybe not, but its not an emergency. I haven't attended one of mine (and I've had more than I care to mention)
The first I had conflicting plans.
The second and all that followed I had major life changing events (either marraige or divorce etc.) I felt the same as you.
Thing is, no ones life there was perfect, and the ones whose were were the ones picked on the most lol

The job...I've found and have seen in others that networking through friends and contacts is sometimes more effective. Let everyone know you're available and something may turn up. Temp agencies are good too, especially if you're not sure what you can commit to.

Ask for help...agencies, from family anywhere that can help you over this hump

Weight...there's time for that down the road too.
Meggie, I know this is so cliche, but its whats in the inside that counts.
And we here KNOW you're a beautiful person.

Hang in the Meg...brighter days are ahead

((((hugs))))
Cece

cinderellawkids

Meggie,
Im sorry it all seems to be hitting at once, and sadly thats how it goes.

As for the weight, if you cant stop eating can you snack on things like carrott sticks and lite popcorn. I have a constant need to snack, with my blood sugar being all over its a bad thing so I try veggies, sometimes it helps, and sugar free lollipops.

About the reunion. Ive always had to do everything alone. I used to dread it. But Ive learned something. The more I hold my shoulders back head high and force myself to smile, the better I feel and the better results. Actually you get more validation taht way and that helps all of us feel good. If you share you may be getting divorced due so in a blow it off sorta way. Let your light shine for that one night. These days more and more people are doing things aone and its accepted.

Hang in there.

BigSis

(((MeggieSTAR)))

I hear you doing something I do alllll the time - "future tripping". When I do that - it starts out innocent enough, but I usually end up feeling overwhelmed and incapable. My sponsor tells me to "stay in today". Sounds like good advice, eh?

Then don't. Unless you can come up with an economically valid reason... why not wait until you ARE certain?

You can't control your husband - or anything he does. But he is taking up a LOT of space in your head. At least it sounds like he is.

The right job is out there... I believe that. I know it takes footwork - but it also takes timing. Keep chugging along - since you don't KNOW the "right" time, best to not stop paddling, eh?

((hugs))

cmc

Meggie,
Ditto to what others have shared.
All I have to offer is a huge hug to:
************{MeggieStar the Queen of Herself}}}}}}}
cmc

shockozulu

Student to student... don't hit yourself over the head with the fact "you are not working". You are going to school and then in fall you'll be working full time. Pay or no pay.

Of course you will have to have a paying job, but that has less than nothing to do with whether you are "working" or not. It has to do with income. Those are seperate issues.

unsure of

Wow Meggie,

I understand the whole going to school to teach (i'm in my second year) and having a 10 year reunion coming up soon too! I'm about 40 pounds heavier than when i graduated

My ra and i just broke up this weekend and i'm very sad about my whole situation.

However, i'm forcing myself to look at the positive at the negative. You are thinking about divorce but you have wonderful child. YOu don't have a job but you are working on a degree.

keep your chin up Meggie star

rozied

Yes same here. I just wanted to send you a hug.
Diane

marle

Meggie, Me too. I wanted to send you some hugs. Being a teacher is a wonderful and selfless profession. I believe that you will find a job. Give yourself some time. I find that I am eating more these days, trying to give myself the love that I miss not being around my daughter anymore. I know how miserable that can make you feel. Can you just cut back a little and replace some of the food with walks or taking your 3 year old to the park. Just some suggestions. I know you will find your way. Hugs, Marle

mooselips

(((Meggie))))
Just want to send you big hugs, and tell you there is a rainbow for you at the end of all this struggle.
Soon, you'll be a teacher, and loving your job, and look back, and chuckle about how down you felt.

And Meggie, as for that reunion, I think I'd force myself to get out and have some fun if I were you. There's GF's from scholl, I'm betting can't wait to see you again, and I'm sure it wouldn't bother you if they plumped up a little. (Heck, they probably did too!) What's important is they care, and you care. Our reunion has a single Friday night thing, before the dinner, dance for the next night, maybe you could attend that, if they have it?


Hugs,

outonalimb

((((Meggie)))))

Lots of great ideas before me.

I just want you to know that I understand how overwhelming all of it can be...especially if you look too far down the road. I remember not wanting to file for divorce but knowing I had to. It hurt like hell. And someone here told me that I didn't have to do anything I wasn't ready to do. Sometimes not doing anything IS a decision and a wise one to make when we aren't prepared to do something yet. Give yourself time...you haven't been out of the storm for very long and its going to take a while to get your feet back underneath you.

As for all the other things...the job, money worries, the weight...all of those things will work themselves out...they ALWAYS do. I remember working myself up into absolute tizzies over things...but now when I look back, I see that I have been provided for at every step of this journey. I know its hard to believe sometimes but life just has a way of working itself out and when things are the scariest, all you gotta do is hold on and believe in yourself. Believe that you deserve a life full of peace and happiness and one by one the things you are worrying about will resolve themselves. I remember thinking it would take YEARS to dig myself out of the hole I was in just 26 months ago (the day I left my exah). And here I am...just 2 and 1/2 years later and things couldn't have worked out any better. Many times I felt like I wasn't going anywhere...like I was just stumbling around...but I see now...looking back that things WERE unfolding just as they were meant to be. They will for you too...you just gotta have faith and believe.

Your an incredibly strong woman. You WILL make it. You will!!

Hugs and strength...
Mary

Ann

(((Meggie))) I'm sending a hug to and agree that just staying in today will help you not get so overwhelmed.

Life will get better, it always does, and trying to find a job is never any fun but just keep trying anyway and something will come your way.

You're doing fine, you just can't see the future but none of us can. Think positive and just keep moving, that always helps me shake the "what if's".

Hugs

Wascally Wabbit

We all need to vent sometimes. Try not to let yourself stay down for long.
Don't make life changing decisions until you are ready.
Oh, and everyone I know who was afraid to go to their reunion came home happy they went. It might be something you need to do. It just might be fun!
I hope you're feeling better this evening.

Hurtbad2505

Gosh hun, I can feel how stressed you are in your post...Addiction sucks (understatement) and everyone here understands. Why don't you take the next couple of weeks of peace..ie. not dealing with the AH for a while and focus on you YOU and your life (and your childs). I don't think you should feel enabling by helping your AH try to find work after rehab...but if it makes you feel bad, then there's no shame in just saying no. Is there someone else, family, etc. that he can get to do this stuff for him?...It's really not a bad thing in my eyes that he is focused on getting work,,,it's a good sign to me when my AS shows any motivation at all...

Oh yeah..the reunion thing....believe me, I've been to way more than you and if there's one thing you can count on is that NOBODY looks the way you picture them from your last look at them in high school...life happens for everyone..you just hold your head up high and let your beauty shine through...

Elana

I think every one here is right on target but I will put in my $0.02....

You sound depressed. If might be wise to go and get a physical and complete blood work.. your thyroid or something may be out of whack (on top of the rest).

You need to work on a plan. "Lose weight" or "get a job" is not a plan. A plan sets a goal and a method and time frame to achieve it. For instance: You need time for yourself, so how do you plan to get that and, when you get some of that, what are you going to do for YOU.

You need to get a job. OK, list what you want to do from the greatest job ever to the worst job ever and then think about how you are going to achieve the goal of getting a job and then getting the job at the top of th list.

to make a goal work, it must be set at a realistic level with a time frame. To make a behavior change you need to do the same thing.. set a goal and plan how to achieve it and what you are going to do to replace behavior you don't like with behavior you DO like.

So, "lose weight" is not a goal. "Lose ten pounds in 10 weeks" and then a follow thru plan is a goal.

That is all I have and I am soooo sorry you are feeling this way and going thru the crap you are going thru. Gosh I was there not so very long ago (but without a child).

(((((Meggie)))))

MeggieStar

Thanks all.

Elana, I am actually on anti depressants or I might feel much worse, LOL. Also I don't have health insurance so no doctor visits right now.

My AH still has his job actually, his boss just called me today asking how Mike wa and to tell him everyone at the office was behind him. AH just doesn't want to pass up a good opportunity for better pay and closer drive. However, the reason I feel uncomfortable with it is because he is so concentrated on THAT as opposed to, say, RECOVERY!!!

Anyway, I'll make it through this because I don't have a choice, and I know I'll feel much better when I get a job. You all are great and the support and love really makes a difference. THANK YOU!