Is it okay to hate her sometimes
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Is it okay to hate her sometimes
Well it all hit the fan at 4:30 am. Sometimes I turn my phone off at night, but last night I didn't. I was awakened to my AD telling me she needed a phone number of her cousin who is a cop. I said I didn't know it. I asked her what was going on and she said she and the girls she was living with were dissing her and she was upset.
I asked her where she was living and she said, WHY? I said don't tell me it not important. Bottom line she started blaming me for her relationship problems. She said I ruined her relationship with her brothers when I went to them for help when she was being emotionally abusive and using drugs while living with me. She said I had no right to make this a family problem. She said she will never get over the fact that I told her that she was not the daughter that I wanted. I did say that when she was being verbally abusive to me. I can't even remember all of the things she blamed on me. It ended by me telling her that she walked away from the family, that the family didn't walk away from her............that's when she hung up on me.
So, needless to say I couldn't go back to sleep after that. Why is she hurting me like this, when I have been nothing but good to her. She said I always expect her to fail, she doesn't measure up. The thing is she is full of broken promises. Everytime she puts a plan in place and I get happy about it she doesn't follow through. I told her I was upset over her car insurance bill that she promised that she would be taking care of. Well, the bill is here, and of course she has no job, no money. I don't want to pay it, but I worry about her driving uninsured. I don't know what to do. I just hate her for putting me in this position. She said, all you want is to live in peace and contentment, and you can't have that with me in your life. For today I just hate her.
Thanks for letting me vent...............Lo
I asked her where she was living and she said, WHY? I said don't tell me it not important. Bottom line she started blaming me for her relationship problems. She said I ruined her relationship with her brothers when I went to them for help when she was being emotionally abusive and using drugs while living with me. She said I had no right to make this a family problem. She said she will never get over the fact that I told her that she was not the daughter that I wanted. I did say that when she was being verbally abusive to me. I can't even remember all of the things she blamed on me. It ended by me telling her that she walked away from the family, that the family didn't walk away from her............that's when she hung up on me.
So, needless to say I couldn't go back to sleep after that. Why is she hurting me like this, when I have been nothing but good to her. She said I always expect her to fail, she doesn't measure up. The thing is she is full of broken promises. Everytime she puts a plan in place and I get happy about it she doesn't follow through. I told her I was upset over her car insurance bill that she promised that she would be taking care of. Well, the bill is here, and of course she has no job, no money. I don't want to pay it, but I worry about her driving uninsured. I don't know what to do. I just hate her for putting me in this position. She said, all you want is to live in peace and contentment, and you can't have that with me in your life. For today I just hate her.
Thanks for letting me vent...............Lo
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((((Lobo)))
I've had those feelings on many occassions.
I really never "hated" my son, but hated the person he had become.
The fact that the guilt I carried for those feelings was immense told me that it was fueled by love, not hate afterall.
I also struggle with being ashamed. No kid wants their parent ashamed of them...but I was.
These were all feelings "I" had to come to terms with, and I do better with them today. One of the first steps for me was allowing the feelings, only then could I work through them and let them go.
I try very hard to this day to accept my feelings at a given time, without transferring the guilt shame and hate back to me.
You're doing well...its very hard to turn the phone off.
Prayers for peace
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I've had those feelings on many occassions.
I really never "hated" my son, but hated the person he had become.
The fact that the guilt I carried for those feelings was immense told me that it was fueled by love, not hate afterall.
I also struggle with being ashamed. No kid wants their parent ashamed of them...but I was.
These were all feelings "I" had to come to terms with, and I do better with them today. One of the first steps for me was allowing the feelings, only then could I work through them and let them go.
I try very hard to this day to accept my feelings at a given time, without transferring the guilt shame and hate back to me.
You're doing well...its very hard to turn the phone off.
Prayers for peace
((((Hugs))))
Cece
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(((((Lobo)))))
I usually turn my phone off at night too. Not much lately, but still.
I have to work. If my as calls in the middle of the night, it's usually not good.
Then I have to stay up and worry about what I could/should do for him.
This is not your fault. Remember that. Stay strong. You've got my support and prayers.
p.s. Let yourself hate the addiction. Try to separate the two.
I usually turn my phone off at night too. Not much lately, but still.
I have to work. If my as calls in the middle of the night, it's usually not good.
Then I have to stay up and worry about what I could/should do for him.
This is not your fault. Remember that. Stay strong. You've got my support and prayers.
p.s. Let yourself hate the addiction. Try to separate the two.
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Location: East Tawas, MI
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Your daughter is blaming you so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for what she is doing to herself. She hates herself and wants you to hurt too. The best thing you can do is to end the call when she becomes abusive. And yes sometimes I hate my daughter, wish she were dead and it was over with. So don't feel badly. I think even parents of normal children have feeling of dislike for their kids from time to time. Take care of you. She needs to figure things out without having you to scapegoat. Hugs, Marle
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Thank you all for listening. I want to respond to your comments, but I have to leave for work now. I'll be back on later when I get home.
Than God I have you to vent to.
Hugs...............Lo
Than God I have you to vent to.
Hugs...............Lo
I'm HOME!!!!!
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(((Lobo)))
The almost last time I saw my daughter I told her I wished she had died in jail, so I coulda told her son she died getting clean for him, not of a drug overdose of dirty heroin, or with her throat slit ( Just another junky prostitute that no one would look very hard for).
She didn't contact me for 3 weeks, and believe you me, I sure hated myself for saying that, thinking what if she dies and that's the last thing her mother told her!!!!
But 4 days ago, she checked into detox....so we are taking baby steps.
Did what I say help?? Who knows. I know I spent many sleepless nights sick about what I had said.
Don't pay the insurance...consequenses my friend...don't do it!!!!
Am enclosing this poignant message from one of our members...whom I quote often...
(Passion....love you)
You can't make me clean
I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.
You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Passion
Recovering Addict
The almost last time I saw my daughter I told her I wished she had died in jail, so I coulda told her son she died getting clean for him, not of a drug overdose of dirty heroin, or with her throat slit ( Just another junky prostitute that no one would look very hard for).
She didn't contact me for 3 weeks, and believe you me, I sure hated myself for saying that, thinking what if she dies and that's the last thing her mother told her!!!!
But 4 days ago, she checked into detox....so we are taking baby steps.
Did what I say help?? Who knows. I know I spent many sleepless nights sick about what I had said.
Don't pay the insurance...consequenses my friend...don't do it!!!!
Am enclosing this poignant message from one of our members...whom I quote often...
(Passion....love you)
You can't make me clean
I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.
You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Passion
Recovering Addict
get it, give it, grow in it
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I agree some days we do hate them for who they have become.
I ruminated those same thoughts about my AS last night as I was trying to sleep. There has been a death in the family along with other important events. I watch my nieces + nephews rise to the situation and It makes me mad that my son is incapable of loyalty and service to family. I don't even call him with the news becasue it would serve no use. It sucks ! Most days we practice acceptance but some days we must acknowledge our anger, disappointment + FRUSTRATION. My AS lives near his grandmother who has cancer and he had never paid her a visit or call.
He has come to my home twice in the last yr. once to get a piece of furniture and once to pick up his tax return. Self-centered behavior is the norm. He can express loving thoughts and ideas on the phone but with no follow-through. I rarely allow myslelf to get angry about this because I think "it is what it is" and there is nothing I can do about it. So thanks for the topic of ANGER cause that is the emotion I needed to vent and release today.
I ruminated those same thoughts about my AS last night as I was trying to sleep. There has been a death in the family along with other important events. I watch my nieces + nephews rise to the situation and It makes me mad that my son is incapable of loyalty and service to family. I don't even call him with the news becasue it would serve no use. It sucks ! Most days we practice acceptance but some days we must acknowledge our anger, disappointment + FRUSTRATION. My AS lives near his grandmother who has cancer and he had never paid her a visit or call.
He has come to my home twice in the last yr. once to get a piece of furniture and once to pick up his tax return. Self-centered behavior is the norm. He can express loving thoughts and ideas on the phone but with no follow-through. I rarely allow myslelf to get angry about this because I think "it is what it is" and there is nothing I can do about it. So thanks for the topic of ANGER cause that is the emotion I needed to vent and release today.
On a tear
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Posts: 3,221
What I know today is that my ANGER is born of my RESENTMENTS... and my resentments were born of my EXPECTATIONS.
Expectations = Resentments = Anger
If I want to NOT feel the anger (which hurts me more than anyone else), I need to lower my expectations.
Both my kids are addicts. I used to want the very best for them. That lead to me EXPECTING them to do their very best. What they actually DID do was not enough for me ... most of the time.
See how my thinking got me to a place where my kids might believe that nothing they did was good enough?
I still go to that sort of thinking some days... but more often, I try to imagine them as "happy"..."content"... "joyful"....without letting my mind build expectations of what that actually looks like.
PS - If you can't live with her driving without insurance, then I would say pay it to ease your own pain. But if you CAN live with it, then consequences she receives by driving without insurance will be how the universe will teach her a lesson.
I know - why can't they just learn from me telling them? I don't know - but I do know that I didn't learn well that way and my kids are a couple of "chips off the old block" in that regard, too.
((hugs))
Expectations = Resentments = Anger
If I want to NOT feel the anger (which hurts me more than anyone else), I need to lower my expectations.
Both my kids are addicts. I used to want the very best for them. That lead to me EXPECTING them to do their very best. What they actually DID do was not enough for me ... most of the time.
See how my thinking got me to a place where my kids might believe that nothing they did was good enough?
I still go to that sort of thinking some days... but more often, I try to imagine them as "happy"..."content"... "joyful"....without letting my mind build expectations of what that actually looks like.
PS - If you can't live with her driving without insurance, then I would say pay it to ease your own pain. But if you CAN live with it, then consequences she receives by driving without insurance will be how the universe will teach her a lesson.
I know - why can't they just learn from me telling them? I don't know - but I do know that I didn't learn well that way and my kids are a couple of "chips off the old block" in that regard, too.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
I agree, she is just quacking her head off projecting all her problems on to you, so she doesn't have to assume the responsibility.
My oldest said all kinds of horrible nasty things when he was using. And I'm sure I put in a few of my own, but he has told me since he has been sober, I never doubted you loved me, mom.
So, don't lose any sleep over it. It's what some of them do.
As for the insurance, my definition of enabling is when I am doing something for them, that they could very well do theirselves.
Hugs to you,
My oldest said all kinds of horrible nasty things when he was using. And I'm sure I put in a few of my own, but he has told me since he has been sober, I never doubted you loved me, mom.
So, don't lose any sleep over it. It's what some of them do.
As for the insurance, my definition of enabling is when I am doing something for them, that they could very well do theirselves.
Hugs to you,
Last edited by mooselips; 05-23-2007 at 02:50 PM. Reason: It's Wednesday
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Cece, I do mean that I hate the person that she has become. I love this girl more than life, but I am ashamed of her. I can't talk to my friends about her when they are talking about their daughters and all of their joys. I hate that I have nothing to share. It hurts like h--l. It's not that I want it for me........I want her to be proud of herself, because I know how good she would feel. I know acceptance is what we have to do to move forward, but how do we accept that this is the way it is?
Love and prayers for you and your son...............Lo
Love and prayers for you and your son...............Lo
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Linda, I am trying to separate the two. I hate addiction. Look what it is doing to us mothers. Watching our babies be this sick is all too much.
Thank you for your love.
Keeping you and your son in prayer..............Lo
Thank you for your love.
Keeping you and your son in prayer..............Lo
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Marle, You sure said it right. I love your postings. You always put what I am thinking into words. It does seem when she hurts, she wants me to hurt with her.
Someone has to take the blame for her behavior, and you always hurt the one you love. In spite of all of her meaness toward me, I know she loves me more than anybody in the world. I have never doubted her love for me. She is also secure in my love for her. If only love could fix this.......all of our kids would be better.
Thanks, Marle..........Love and prayers to you and your daughter.......Lo
Someone has to take the blame for her behavior, and you always hurt the one you love. In spite of all of her meaness toward me, I know she loves me more than anybody in the world. I have never doubted her love for me. She is also secure in my love for her. If only love could fix this.......all of our kids would be better.
Thanks, Marle..........Love and prayers to you and your daughter.......Lo
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Caileenana, Thank you for your love and support. I know we can relate. I'm going to give the insurance bill up to the last minute to pay it. Just maybe she'll come through. Even if she would come home and paint the deck, like she promised. Then I could at least tell he she worked for the payment.
Remains to be seen.
Love and prayers for you and your daughter..........Lo
Remains to be seen.
Love and prayers for you and your daughter..........Lo
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Spiritual, I know what you mean about not rising to the family situations. In fact I thought if anything like sickness or death happened to me she may never know about it. We never know where to find her. She has elderly grandmothers and I think about that all of the time. I also see my neice and nephews and her brothers rise to all family situations or occasions, but never her. It saddens me that she doesn't have these family ties. Another thing that I have no control over.
Like I have said many times before......there is more to it than just dealing with and addicted child.
Thank you for your hugs and support.
Prayers for you and your son
Like I have said many times before......there is more to it than just dealing with and addicted child.
Thank you for your hugs and support.
Prayers for you and your son
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BigSis, God bless you having two addicts. I also have lowered my expectations.
It's amazing what we thought was important really isn't afterall. I don't expect her to be a star......just clean and respectful.
I will never give up on her.......her day will come.
Thanks for your good insight.
Love and prayers for you and the 2 people in your life........Lo
It's amazing what we thought was important really isn't afterall. I don't expect her to be a star......just clean and respectful.
I will never give up on her.......her day will come.
Thanks for your good insight.
Love and prayers for you and the 2 people in your life........Lo
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
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You are right, with many of my friends and siblings their kids are getting their College diplomas this month, buying houses, having babies along with other wonderful things.When I'm asked how my only child is he doing I always have to think of what to say because the truth is not always what I want to share. I've made some good alanon friends that I can be totally honest with and that has helped significantly to ease the situation and allow me to share about my son.We can even laugh about the situation in the absurdity of it sometimes.It is nice to share here today.
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Moose, I know what you mean about the quacking. Even thought we know that it is still hard to be ripped up one side and down the other. It seems she is so hurting so much that she take it out on me. I know a lot of people have hurt her. I also know that she put herself in a lot of situations that caused a lot of this hurt. I just wish that she could see that she has to stop and change so many things in her life.
I agree with your theory on enabling.
Thanks Moose..........I'll try not to lose any sleep over it.
Love and prayers to you............Lo
I agree with your theory on enabling.
Thanks Moose..........I'll try not to lose any sleep over it.
Love and prayers to you............Lo
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