Why?
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Why?
Somedays I just wonder - how much more can I take. Usually I am on the F & F Alcoholic posts because I have a sister who is a cronic alcoholic and a brother who drinks most nights. Mum got cancer, another brother got cancer. Alcoholics run in our family through many generations.
NOW my eldest son 23 has had a drug prob since the age of 15. No amount of help has done anything. Mainly mariuanna but I think he has taken other things over the years. He did stop for 12 months, got a part time job, came back home to live and things were ok. He has never held a job for more than 4 months. Something always happens and he looses the job or doesnt bother going back.
I have suspected he has been doing joints for a couple of months on weekends as his temper has become almost unbearable. To be honest, he is my son but somedays I cant stand him. He is so disrespectful, judgemental and loud to most people and I am the only one who will stand up to him.
Tonight I get home from work and the police are at the door with a summons for him to go to court. Apparently he abused staff a Hungry Jacks, smashed a pot plant and arrested by security. He has no money, nothing to his name and I feel guilty at the thought of sending him on his way. He already says I treat him differently to his brothers. I said I did because of the way he spoke and reacted to people. His brothers are completely different.
Hell, its hard, what would you do......
NOW my eldest son 23 has had a drug prob since the age of 15. No amount of help has done anything. Mainly mariuanna but I think he has taken other things over the years. He did stop for 12 months, got a part time job, came back home to live and things were ok. He has never held a job for more than 4 months. Something always happens and he looses the job or doesnt bother going back.
I have suspected he has been doing joints for a couple of months on weekends as his temper has become almost unbearable. To be honest, he is my son but somedays I cant stand him. He is so disrespectful, judgemental and loud to most people and I am the only one who will stand up to him.
Tonight I get home from work and the police are at the door with a summons for him to go to court. Apparently he abused staff a Hungry Jacks, smashed a pot plant and arrested by security. He has no money, nothing to his name and I feel guilty at the thought of sending him on his way. He already says I treat him differently to his brothers. I said I did because of the way he spoke and reacted to people. His brothers are completely different.
Hell, its hard, what would you do......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
You do what you feel best, but sending him on his way is probably a good choice. I sent my as on his way and he has wound up in a rehab. He's been there for 2 weeks and is staying for at least another 2-3 weeks. This makes me hopeful. Maybe this will be what your as needs. He is my only son, I have 2 daughters and he always told me that the girls got treated better than him. When in all honesty he's the one that got all the attention, because he was always the most demanding. They really know how to push our buttons.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
justjo,
Ohh, I feel your pain! My brother has an anger management problem...(that's what he calls it..) when he was drinking and doing drugs, and, after not using for 15 years, still has the short fuse problem. Also, my son, when using has a short fuse.
I've always told my sons in the past when they were using, "I'll always love you, but I sure don't like you very much" and that was the truth.
The hardest part is telling them to leave, I did it, and know it was heartbreaking filled with worry, and more worry. But their being at home put me too close to the action, and for the sake of my sanity, they had to go.
It's a difficult choice, I'm praying for you, and your son....
Ohh, I feel your pain! My brother has an anger management problem...(that's what he calls it..) when he was drinking and doing drugs, and, after not using for 15 years, still has the short fuse problem. Also, my son, when using has a short fuse.
I've always told my sons in the past when they were using, "I'll always love you, but I sure don't like you very much" and that was the truth.
The hardest part is telling them to leave, I did it, and know it was heartbreaking filled with worry, and more worry. But their being at home put me too close to the action, and for the sake of my sanity, they had to go.
It's a difficult choice, I'm praying for you, and your son....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Yep, I get it. My son has complained just recently about his anger - "flashing" on him. It is part of his excuse for smoking pot every day. sigh.
When my daughter was facing a choice of jail or a really icky rehab when she was barely 18, I wanted SO much to get in there and help her fight for some better choices. My (loving) sponsor asked me to think about it - to consider that there are no such things as coincidence, and that there might be someone she needs to meet or something she needs to hear. By backing away, perhaps she will end up EXACTLY where she needs to be at exactly the right time.
Turns out, she did meet someone at that rehab, and he was the key person to her getting clean. She has been clean for over two years, now.
Sometimes, I wonder - what if I had interfered. What if *I* had gotten my way?
I pray your son gets exactly what he needs at exactly the right time. ((hugs))
When my daughter was facing a choice of jail or a really icky rehab when she was barely 18, I wanted SO much to get in there and help her fight for some better choices. My (loving) sponsor asked me to think about it - to consider that there are no such things as coincidence, and that there might be someone she needs to meet or something she needs to hear. By backing away, perhaps she will end up EXACTLY where she needs to be at exactly the right time.
Turns out, she did meet someone at that rehab, and he was the key person to her getting clean. She has been clean for over two years, now.
Sometimes, I wonder - what if I had interfered. What if *I* had gotten my way?
I pray your son gets exactly what he needs at exactly the right time. ((hugs))
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((JustJo)))))))
Hi and welcome to f & f of substance abusers.
I'm Linda and the addict in my life is my 25 yo son.
Everyone before me had some great thoughts. Kudos!
I lived with my son off and on the past 6 years during his heroin addiction.
After spending 6 months in jail, he kicked that addiction, and started on alcohol and pot. After moving back to our home state and he getting a job that only lasted a short time, I was at my own "rock-bottom". I finally figured out the 3 c's.
1. I didn't cause his addiction.
2. I can't control his addiction.
3. I can't cure his addiction.
It had to come from him and only when he is ready.
After living with his dad for 6 months, he seems to be doing much better.
He works most days and stays sober most days.
It's all I can really ask for, until he's at rock-bottom and decides to go into rehab and learn how to live life on life's terms.
His anger still pops up every now and then. I just hang up the phone. He's realized that mom will no longer tolerate it.
Start by setting boundries. You can learn about boundries in the books, "Codependent, No More" and "Stepping Stones To Recovery From Codependency".
You have to learn to separate the addiction from the person.
I can love my son, but hate the addiction. As long as he is "using", I can't be around.
It works for me. Learn to do what you can work with and what feels comfortable to you. Your family are in my prayers.
Keep coming back. I love it here. Hope you do too.
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda
Hi and welcome to f & f of substance abusers.
I'm Linda and the addict in my life is my 25 yo son.
Everyone before me had some great thoughts. Kudos!
I lived with my son off and on the past 6 years during his heroin addiction.
After spending 6 months in jail, he kicked that addiction, and started on alcohol and pot. After moving back to our home state and he getting a job that only lasted a short time, I was at my own "rock-bottom". I finally figured out the 3 c's.
1. I didn't cause his addiction.
2. I can't control his addiction.
3. I can't cure his addiction.
It had to come from him and only when he is ready.
After living with his dad for 6 months, he seems to be doing much better.
He works most days and stays sober most days.
It's all I can really ask for, until he's at rock-bottom and decides to go into rehab and learn how to live life on life's terms.
His anger still pops up every now and then. I just hang up the phone. He's realized that mom will no longer tolerate it.
Start by setting boundries. You can learn about boundries in the books, "Codependent, No More" and "Stepping Stones To Recovery From Codependency".
You have to learn to separate the addiction from the person.
I can love my son, but hate the addiction. As long as he is "using", I can't be around.
It works for me. Learn to do what you can work with and what feels comfortable to you. Your family are in my prayers.
Keep coming back. I love it here. Hope you do too.
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thankyou lovely people. My son can be the most adorable person but I have to say I truely hate some of his characters. He cant stand any authority (thats why he looses jobs) He voices his opinion about everything, (and by the way no one else has a clue), His brothers cant wait for him to leave or go out.
I do think the drugs has done something to his brains, personality, I dont know. Anyhow, at 16 I did kick him out. I would come home and he had slashed furniture, thrown things , punched holes in the wall etc and I couldnt take it any longer. He then lived with his dad, friends you name it. Only ever heard from him when he wanted money. Eventually, he hit rock bottom and he came back home to live. Now he is quite comfy again and just doesnt understand any consideration to anyone. We have had the biggest arguements and I tell him to leave. He will come back late at night and next day acts like nothing happened.
He plays me off with his 2 brothers. He is 23 and still acts like he is 4. You know they have the better this or that and it drives me mad.
Anyway, it was good to get some of that off my chest and thanks.
I do think the drugs has done something to his brains, personality, I dont know. Anyhow, at 16 I did kick him out. I would come home and he had slashed furniture, thrown things , punched holes in the wall etc and I couldnt take it any longer. He then lived with his dad, friends you name it. Only ever heard from him when he wanted money. Eventually, he hit rock bottom and he came back home to live. Now he is quite comfy again and just doesnt understand any consideration to anyone. We have had the biggest arguements and I tell him to leave. He will come back late at night and next day acts like nothing happened.
He plays me off with his 2 brothers. He is 23 and still acts like he is 4. You know they have the better this or that and it drives me mad.
Anyway, it was good to get some of that off my chest and thanks.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My 23 yr old AS was kicked out at 19 after her returned from rehab and went back to using. Even though he still uses he always works and pays his share of the rent for the apt he shares with an older girlfriend who keeps all the responsible parts of their life met. because living at home is not an option he has a work ethic and earns his way. Due to his drug + alcohol use he has no money for a car so he takes the bus and rides a bicycle. But he is independent and fot that I am grateful. Usng and having addict behavior is just not an option in my home I did my son a favor because he is a young man and should live independently in his 20s with or w/o addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
You know that what BigSis said about us getting in their way is so true. I have looked back at times when I stood in the way of my daughter getting consequences and it never turned out good. I have also stood in the way of her being in a place where maybe she would have met that someone she needed to. I always felt that I was the one that could make a difference in her life. That I was the one that knew it all. In other words, I was the one that wanted to save her. How special that would make me. Since finding SR over a year ago, I no longer feel that way. I have admitted that I am powerless over her addictions and her choices. Letting go is something that we do out of love for our addicted children. He is 23. Maybe it is time to let go. The outcome will be his. The addiction is his. The life he is living is his. All said with love and understanding of how hard it is to let go. But you can do it. Think of it as doing something nice for both of you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
My daughter is 23 also. I agree w/ Marle and everyone else. I have learned so much here. I also learned that some of the anger and rage when they are "only smoking pot" is that it is laced w/ cocaine, heroin, ketamine, or who-knows-what. My daughter would become a violent anminal. When her brother returned from Iraq she was using cocaine or ICE, can't remember which. She knocked him to his knees, gave him a black eye, and bruises on his back. He didn't touch her, but several weeks later he told her if she EVER touched him or us again he would.....anyway, she never did. Point is, I bet it's more than pot.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
(((justjo)))
Wanted to welcome you over to this side, and I know it's heartbreaking to find yourself here. They say addicts stop maturing when they start using so that might explain the immature behavior. As to feeling guilty about anything, he is an adult, and if he behaved better, you would treat him that way.
Here's an excerpt from one of our members....
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Wanted to welcome you over to this side, and I know it's heartbreaking to find yourself here. They say addicts stop maturing when they start using so that might explain the immature behavior. As to feeling guilty about anything, he is an adult, and if he behaved better, you would treat him that way.
Here's an excerpt from one of our members....
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i can not tell you what to do but as long as he is with you he has no responsibilty. my son has never been allowed to live with me except by my rules,no drugs or alcohol.if you let him stay set boundries. it is not fair to you or your other kids. prayers for you,your son & your family.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Its crazy I know and I should know better as my sister is an alcoholic. I have let go of her just recently but my son, how hard can it be again!! I think thats the problem, I thru him out so young and now I guess the last 18 months I wanted to work things out. Somedays I dont know if he is using or not. I can smell it but he goes away for 2=3 days at a time, stays with his mates and then comes home when I guess he needs a break, shower, food etc.
Even when hes not using, he can be the nastiest, pig headed person and we end up yelling at each other. He too doesnt drive. Catches buses everywhere as he never has any money.
Thanks again, I needed some feedback good or bad and I will get tougher OK.
Even when hes not using, he can be the nastiest, pig headed person and we end up yelling at each other. He too doesnt drive. Catches buses everywhere as he never has any money.
Thanks again, I needed some feedback good or bad and I will get tougher OK.
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