OMG! A friend lost herself trying to save her son!!!
Hug giver-outer!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
OMG! A friend lost herself trying to save her son!!!
OMG! I just don’t know where to start with this. When you read it you will think that it was a fictional story but even I don’t have that kind of imagination. I apologize for its length but I just had to get this out!
More than 3 years ago, I met a woman in my police volunteer classes and activities. She and I hit it off and soon began sharing a few private details of our lives. For instance, it turned out that she was divorced and had an only son, approximately the same age as my addict daughter, who was also a full-blown drug addict. This woman, I shall call her Nancy, was beside herself as to what to do with her only son and what was happening to him. The promising bright future she envisioned for him was quickly becoming dark.
I’m sure some of you remember me talking about a friend who mortgaged her home, twice, to send her only son to rehab to try to “save” him? This is that friend. At the time, she had a very good career, making very good money. I tried to encourage her to go to alanon or try to find someone with some drug counseling experience that she could talk to. I tried to encourage her NOT to mortgage her home and NOT to try to force his recovery because if he wasn’t ready for it, it would not do any good and she would be left with the debt and still an active, addict son. Like so many, she did not listen and would not waste her time with alanon – she was hell-bent on “saving” and “fixing” her only son. She told me that she did not have any other choice. We all know that is wrong but we all know that sometimes making the right choice is the most difficult.
After our classes ended, she pulled away. I tried many, many times to call her, leaving her countless messages to meet her for lunch or after work. When she never responded to any of them, I stopped calling.
I was in a local Walmart yesterday, reaching for something off a shelf when a woman standing next to me suddenly said, “Hey, don’t you talk to your friends anymore?” I turned to look at this older woman staring at me and felt my heart sink. I simply did not know who this person was although in her eyes I could sense a familiarity.
She said, “You don’t know me, do you?” I had to admit that I didn’t recognize her but knew that I should. When she gave me her name, I tried to hide the shock in my face but obviously didn’t do a very good job at it. I had not seen this woman for nearly 3 years yet the face I was looking at had to be nearly 20 years older!
We embraced and I fought back the tears. Without saying a word, I knew that Nancy had been through a living hell; her face told the story. She said that she always remembered me and remembered me telling her once that she could not save her son; that she needed to work on saving herself or she could end up worse than him.
What she told me next nearly knocked me over. She said that after 2 trips to recovery at $26,000 EACH, her son was still an active drug addict and still living on the streets; the difference is that SHE is in recovery (bargain basement price) and is doing quite well!!! She lost her job, lost her home and became addicted to prescription drugs! She no longer lives here but was just visiting an older woman she had known for years and was trying to help her move. It was NOT a coincidence that we met at that particular time in that particular place.
Seeing her was such an eye-opener. After we talked for a while, I asked her to call me if she had time to get together after my job. I doubt I will hear from her but there is a chance.
After seeing her, I have to admit that I became very, very thankful to my HP for all that I did have and for all that has NOT gone wrong. I count my blessings in a different manner. And I am so grateful that my “recovery” is not from drug addiction.
I will include her in my daily prayers that she will continue to find herself after losing herself trying to save her son.
I’m sorry this was long but I had to share this. I know that I have said many times that unless we work at helping ourselves to “recovery”, we can become as sick or sicker than our addict. I was so sorry to see this up close and personal.
Thank you for letting me share.
Hugs, prayers & love,
marteen
More than 3 years ago, I met a woman in my police volunteer classes and activities. She and I hit it off and soon began sharing a few private details of our lives. For instance, it turned out that she was divorced and had an only son, approximately the same age as my addict daughter, who was also a full-blown drug addict. This woman, I shall call her Nancy, was beside herself as to what to do with her only son and what was happening to him. The promising bright future she envisioned for him was quickly becoming dark.
I’m sure some of you remember me talking about a friend who mortgaged her home, twice, to send her only son to rehab to try to “save” him? This is that friend. At the time, she had a very good career, making very good money. I tried to encourage her to go to alanon or try to find someone with some drug counseling experience that she could talk to. I tried to encourage her NOT to mortgage her home and NOT to try to force his recovery because if he wasn’t ready for it, it would not do any good and she would be left with the debt and still an active, addict son. Like so many, she did not listen and would not waste her time with alanon – she was hell-bent on “saving” and “fixing” her only son. She told me that she did not have any other choice. We all know that is wrong but we all know that sometimes making the right choice is the most difficult.
After our classes ended, she pulled away. I tried many, many times to call her, leaving her countless messages to meet her for lunch or after work. When she never responded to any of them, I stopped calling.
I was in a local Walmart yesterday, reaching for something off a shelf when a woman standing next to me suddenly said, “Hey, don’t you talk to your friends anymore?” I turned to look at this older woman staring at me and felt my heart sink. I simply did not know who this person was although in her eyes I could sense a familiarity.
She said, “You don’t know me, do you?” I had to admit that I didn’t recognize her but knew that I should. When she gave me her name, I tried to hide the shock in my face but obviously didn’t do a very good job at it. I had not seen this woman for nearly 3 years yet the face I was looking at had to be nearly 20 years older!
We embraced and I fought back the tears. Without saying a word, I knew that Nancy had been through a living hell; her face told the story. She said that she always remembered me and remembered me telling her once that she could not save her son; that she needed to work on saving herself or she could end up worse than him.
What she told me next nearly knocked me over. She said that after 2 trips to recovery at $26,000 EACH, her son was still an active drug addict and still living on the streets; the difference is that SHE is in recovery (bargain basement price) and is doing quite well!!! She lost her job, lost her home and became addicted to prescription drugs! She no longer lives here but was just visiting an older woman she had known for years and was trying to help her move. It was NOT a coincidence that we met at that particular time in that particular place.
Seeing her was such an eye-opener. After we talked for a while, I asked her to call me if she had time to get together after my job. I doubt I will hear from her but there is a chance.
After seeing her, I have to admit that I became very, very thankful to my HP for all that I did have and for all that has NOT gone wrong. I count my blessings in a different manner. And I am so grateful that my “recovery” is not from drug addiction.
I will include her in my daily prayers that she will continue to find herself after losing herself trying to save her son.
I’m sorry this was long but I had to share this. I know that I have said many times that unless we work at helping ourselves to “recovery”, we can become as sick or sicker than our addict. I was so sorry to see this up close and personal.
Thank you for letting me share.
Hugs, prayers & love,
marteen
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Great antecdotal message THAT drives the message home. I will not go down with a sinking ship even if it is my only child. What little respect my AS has I know that he respects my boundaries,my spiritual growth and the way I work a program. Thanks for the story.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Marteen, Wow, that is a real eye opener. I've always heard that we can become sicker than the addict. I've never seen that.......but that is proof right there.
When my AD was in rehab, I attended a parents workshop. It was designed to give parents the tools they need to take care of themselves in spite of what our children are doing with their lives. One topic they touched on was death from co dependency. Sometimes we don't realize the damage that being a codie can cause to our bodies.
Sorry you had to see your long lost friend in such bad shape. I believe you were meant to see her. People are put in our path just for our benefit. Right now I am counting my blessings too.
Hugs and blessings...............Lo
When my AD was in rehab, I attended a parents workshop. It was designed to give parents the tools they need to take care of themselves in spite of what our children are doing with their lives. One topic they touched on was death from co dependency. Sometimes we don't realize the damage that being a codie can cause to our bodies.
Sorry you had to see your long lost friend in such bad shape. I believe you were meant to see her. People are put in our path just for our benefit. Right now I am counting my blessings too.
Hugs and blessings...............Lo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
your story brought tears to my eyes. i will pray for your friend & for her son.God bless all of us that love these addicts.i thank God for my recovery program & all of you that support me along the way.hugs,hope
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
thank you so much Marteen.. that could have been me going dow with my ex husband or my XABF.. not so long ago.
I did not go down but reading what you wrote I realize I almost did with my X husband..
.. but found SR and recovery and did not with my XABF.
I wil pray for your friend.
I did not go down but reading what you wrote I realize I almost did with my X husband..
.. but found SR and recovery and did not with my XABF.
I wil pray for your friend.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There but for the grace of God...
This woman's story touched my heart Marteen, and my prayers go out for her and for her son too.
We've all been to hell and back, some of us just stayed there longer. I'm glad she finally found recovery.
Hugs
This woman's story touched my heart Marteen, and my prayers go out for her and for her son too.
We've all been to hell and back, some of us just stayed there longer. I'm glad she finally found recovery.
Hugs
Hug giver-outer!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
There but for the grace of God...
How true! And for the help of SR, all sharing and caring of its members and the "acceptance" that we cannot save, fix or cure our addicts.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Thanks MomMarteen
You should sticky this. So many times people who come to this forum don't get why you all say and think the things you do, you can refer
them to this next time they are hell bound on saving their kid or loved one instead of themselves.
This is a good flip side of what can happen. I've had a few on here pm me that have gotten to the point of being suicidal from their desperation of trying to save their loved one. It is heart breaking.
You have to save yourself, this is a great example.
I'm sorry about your friend though, I hope she calls you.
You should sticky this. So many times people who come to this forum don't get why you all say and think the things you do, you can refer
them to this next time they are hell bound on saving their kid or loved one instead of themselves.
This is a good flip side of what can happen. I've had a few on here pm me that have gotten to the point of being suicidal from their desperation of trying to save their loved one. It is heart breaking.
You have to save yourself, this is a great example.
I'm sorry about your friend though, I hope she calls you.
Peace Hope Love
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 72
Marteen
thanks for sharing this story. It helps me 'maintain' safe boundaries, even when those boundaries feel like they hurt. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it; and I have a HP who hears my prayers. You and your friend - everyone on this forum remains in my prayers. /M
thanks for sharing this story. It helps me 'maintain' safe boundaries, even when those boundaries feel like they hurt. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it; and I have a HP who hears my prayers. You and your friend - everyone on this forum remains in my prayers. /M
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Marteen, Thank you for sharing what happened to your friend. This could be true about Any Kind of enabling.........the person you are helping does NOT have to be a drug addict but anyone who will not accept responsibility for their own life.
It is a real eye opener.
Thanks Again,
Love,
Diane
It is a real eye opener.
Thanks Again,
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know that suicidal feeling really well. Last year about this time when I caught my daughter in bed with her ex-abf I came home totally ready to say goodbye to the world. Instead I called my mom and my husband and came on here to post. There but for the Grace of God is right on. I will never let myself get to that point again, even if it means never seeing my AD again. I know that God does not want me to suffer like that again. Hugs to you Marteen for caring about this poor woman. Maybe she has reached her bottom and is on the way up. Sending my prayers for her. Hugs, Marle
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