AS Had Credit Union Call
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
AS Had Credit Union Call
Today I recieved another phone call from my AS's credit union. He evidently wrote 5cks on some account & they came back Insufficient Funds. My AS called them from jail and told them I was taking out a Home Equity loan & I would be paying on it............this was news to me as I am taking out no such thing & even if I had the money to pay it, I wouldn't. I told them my son was an addict & that I am now having no contact with him. I told her that if I would pay it & my son would be well I would pay it right now but being he is an addict its like throwing good money after bad and he wouldn't learn a thing and when he got out he would just do something worse...................he has never did anything like this before. I asked her if they were pressing criminal charges & she said no it would be civil charges.
My parents told me they recieved a letter from him. I told my mom not to open it and when she said she did I told her I wasn't interested in what he had to say and please don't even tell me as it hurts too much. She got angry & hung up on me. Later when I spoke to my dad he also wanted to tell me about the letter & when I said I wasn't interested he said what my son had to say made him laugh as my AS had the nerve of a gov't mule. I told him I didn't think any thing about this was funny...................and I don't. It is only by supreme effort that I am numbing out my feelings for my AS. I am keeping really busy so I don't have time to think about him.
My parents told me they recieved a letter from him. I told my mom not to open it and when she said she did I told her I wasn't interested in what he had to say and please don't even tell me as it hurts too much. She got angry & hung up on me. Later when I spoke to my dad he also wanted to tell me about the letter & when I said I wasn't interested he said what my son had to say made him laugh as my AS had the nerve of a gov't mule. I told him I didn't think any thing about this was funny...................and I don't. It is only by supreme effort that I am numbing out my feelings for my AS. I am keeping really busy so I don't have time to think about him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
I Know How You Feel, I Too Would Pay Anything To Make My As Well. Ive Also Had Friends And Family Members Trying To "fix" Him. I Tell Them The Story Of What Addicts Do, And Leave Them To Their Own Opinions, And Actions. I Cant Control Them Any More Than Him. Its Really Hard For Me To Stay Out Of The Way. But Im Learning A Little At A Time. I Still Cant Get That Not Thinking About Him Part Down Yet. Im Still A Little Weak In My Recovery. I Hope You Have Good Luck With Your As, I Hope I Do Too.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Rozied)))))))
Sending you a big hug right this second.
I know what your going through. It hurts like he!!
My as, at one time, had written quite a few checks that were never
taken care of. A few were my own, others from someone else's home.
He has debts with banks, department stores, rent for when he was locked up for 6 months at the county prison, and alot more that I probably don't even know about.
I used to worry daily on these things and more. Then I learned to give it all to God.
I still tell my as that it's not bad enough that he couldn't get out of it all, if he would only make an effort. He's not ready yet. I make it a point to say yet, because it helps me to know in my heart that there will come a day that he faces all these consequences and gets his life on a good track.
I pray that it happens for your son, as well.
As far as having no contact...whatever works, sweetie.
I've never been that strong. Yet. lol
We saw each other yesterday, btw. It was a good visit.
Yet, we both still show signs of addictive behavior (his) and codependent behavior (mine), we still had a good time together. I take those times and cherish them.
Ya never know when things will turn ugly.
Your mom and dad need to understand your boundries and how much this really hurts you. I don't think they're gettin' it. Maybe send them some literature on detachment.
My prayers for continued strength for you and rock bottom for him.
Love,
Linda
Sending you a big hug right this second.
I know what your going through. It hurts like he!!
My as, at one time, had written quite a few checks that were never
taken care of. A few were my own, others from someone else's home.
He has debts with banks, department stores, rent for when he was locked up for 6 months at the county prison, and alot more that I probably don't even know about.
I used to worry daily on these things and more. Then I learned to give it all to God.
I still tell my as that it's not bad enough that he couldn't get out of it all, if he would only make an effort. He's not ready yet. I make it a point to say yet, because it helps me to know in my heart that there will come a day that he faces all these consequences and gets his life on a good track.
I pray that it happens for your son, as well.
As far as having no contact...whatever works, sweetie.
I've never been that strong. Yet. lol
We saw each other yesterday, btw. It was a good visit.
Yet, we both still show signs of addictive behavior (his) and codependent behavior (mine), we still had a good time together. I take those times and cherish them.
Ya never know when things will turn ugly.
Your mom and dad need to understand your boundries and how much this really hurts you. I don't think they're gettin' it. Maybe send them some literature on detachment.
My prayers for continued strength for you and rock bottom for him.
Love,
Linda
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you so much Laketime. I am really sorry to hear about your son. As far as having it down, I must admit I don't have it down either but I'm really trying. My heart is breaking all the while. If I did not have such faith in my HP & that He is watching over him I couldn't deal with it.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever done BUT I know he is now 40 & nothing else we have ever tried has worked. Talking, begging, helping............. have all been to no avail.
I hope & pray both our sons see the light.
Love & Hugs From One Mom to Another
This is one of the hardest things I have ever done BUT I know he is now 40 & nothing else we have ever tried has worked. Talking, begging, helping............. have all been to no avail.
I hope & pray both our sons see the light.
Love & Hugs From One Mom to Another
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Linda. The last time he was incarcerated I did not go to see him for 7 months. It was hard but at the time the only way I could deal with it. It wasn't as hard as if I would have been healthy. I had a Spinal Revision June 05, he got out of jail in Oct 05 & went bk in within 21 days. The jail he was in is about a 2 hr ride oneway & it was too much for me while recovering. This time he has been out a total of almost 9mts. This was the longest time he has stayed out of jail in 5 yrs. I had high hopes this time as he went to a half way house but then my parents got involed & 3 wks after being in the half way house they took him in. When he was living near me he was doing well but then he got a job pretty far away & he moved bk near a place where he used to do all his using. It took about 4 mts for him to lose his job for a bad urine & only 6 wks after that he is bk in jail. This time not only was he stealing but he assaulted a security guard. As far as the cks go he has never done anything like it before. It must be true when they say the disease of addiction is progressive.
I know it is even hard for me to open his letters. The last time he was in sometimes I waited a week to open one & when I answered him I would write & rewrite it, then have my husband read it to make sure I didn't say anything he could take as being a sign of weakness. I don't know how long I will last without seeing him. I am taking it oneday at a time. I have a collect block on my phone so he can't call me. I know he has been calling my SS everyday sometimes 5 & 6 times but SS lets his machine answer it. SS cannot afford the charges plus it is too upsetting for him also.
I pray your son soon sees the light. This is so very hard for every mom I am sure.
Hugs,
Diane
My heart is broken.
I know it is even hard for me to open his letters. The last time he was in sometimes I waited a week to open one & when I answered him I would write & rewrite it, then have my husband read it to make sure I didn't say anything he could take as being a sign of weakness. I don't know how long I will last without seeing him. I am taking it oneday at a time. I have a collect block on my phone so he can't call me. I know he has been calling my SS everyday sometimes 5 & 6 times but SS lets his machine answer it. SS cannot afford the charges plus it is too upsetting for him also.
I pray your son soon sees the light. This is so very hard for every mom I am sure.
Hugs,
Diane
My heart is broken.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi Rozied,
Let me say, my oldest was released in March. That was his THIRD prison stay. Each time was for 6 months, 6 months, then this last one was a year. I guess the third time is a charm, because he has really turned his life around, and has only been out 2 months. And he is sober for today.
Don't give up hope, maybe this will be the time for your son, maybe not.
The problem seems to be, after WE are in recovery, we understand the best way to help our addicts is to get out of the way. It's VERY hard to explain that to people who have little or no recovery under their belt, ya know?
Probably to others, it seems somewhat heartless and cold how we slowly begin to detach from the hullaballoo of our addicts.
Hugs to you,
you're recovery is shining, Rozied...
Let me say, my oldest was released in March. That was his THIRD prison stay. Each time was for 6 months, 6 months, then this last one was a year. I guess the third time is a charm, because he has really turned his life around, and has only been out 2 months. And he is sober for today.
Don't give up hope, maybe this will be the time for your son, maybe not.
The problem seems to be, after WE are in recovery, we understand the best way to help our addicts is to get out of the way. It's VERY hard to explain that to people who have little or no recovery under their belt, ya know?
Probably to others, it seems somewhat heartless and cold how we slowly begin to detach from the hullaballoo of our addicts.
Hugs to you,
you're recovery is shining, Rozied...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Jeez, don't you wonder, will it ever end, we all hope so..I must say at age 40, this will be a difficult turn around...all we can do is pray for a miracle.
You are doing great, I know how hard it is, I feel your pain.
We are here for you, don't ever forget that,
You are doing great, I know how hard it is, I feel your pain.
We are here for you, don't ever forget that,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I'm sorry you are upset again. It seems it never ends. I have paid stuff before and it only made it worse. I haven't paid anything or given money in two years. Wanted to many times, but didn't.
My prayers,
susan
My prayers,
susan
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Bless you all, each & everyone, I don't know how I did it without SR for so very long.
Thank you Moose, I am so happy to hear your sons are in recovery. I pray it lasts forever.
Dollydo, Yes 40......I know it would be very hard for him to turn things around but I also know it can be done. My ex who I hadn't heard from in 27+ yrs is 62. At 57 he turned his life around & has been clean & sober for 41/2 yrs. ( at least thats what he told me ) When I told him about our son & asked if he thought talking to him might help, he told me he knew it wouldn't. That he would only stop when he had had enough. I can only pray he has enough soon. Everytime he gets out & relapses he gets into deeper trouble. I just pray my parents have truly had enough. I firmly believe if they had only listened to me yrs ago & stopped enabling him we would not be going through this now. I am praying for a miracle. The only way I can deal with all of this is to put him in the hands of my HP. Thank you for being there.
Susan, I KNOW paying it would not help.........if all it took was monetary help I bet none of our addicts would still be going through it. It is not easy to detach but its easier than watching someone you love destroy themselves. He had wanted me to come visit him & have a barbecue not 3 wks ago. I couldn't bring myself to go & pretend things were ok when I knew he was using. It is very hard.
Thanks Lo, I appreciate your prayers & everyone else's too.
Know I pray for all members of SR & their loved ones.
I thank my HP there is a group like this & soon I am going to a face to face mtg.
Love,
Diane
Thank you Moose, I am so happy to hear your sons are in recovery. I pray it lasts forever.
Dollydo, Yes 40......I know it would be very hard for him to turn things around but I also know it can be done. My ex who I hadn't heard from in 27+ yrs is 62. At 57 he turned his life around & has been clean & sober for 41/2 yrs. ( at least thats what he told me ) When I told him about our son & asked if he thought talking to him might help, he told me he knew it wouldn't. That he would only stop when he had had enough. I can only pray he has enough soon. Everytime he gets out & relapses he gets into deeper trouble. I just pray my parents have truly had enough. I firmly believe if they had only listened to me yrs ago & stopped enabling him we would not be going through this now. I am praying for a miracle. The only way I can deal with all of this is to put him in the hands of my HP. Thank you for being there.
Susan, I KNOW paying it would not help.........if all it took was monetary help I bet none of our addicts would still be going through it. It is not easy to detach but its easier than watching someone you love destroy themselves. He had wanted me to come visit him & have a barbecue not 3 wks ago. I couldn't bring myself to go & pretend things were ok when I knew he was using. It is very hard.
Thanks Lo, I appreciate your prayers & everyone else's too.
Know I pray for all members of SR & their loved ones.
I thank my HP there is a group like this & soon I am going to a face to face mtg.
Love,
Diane
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rozie, I think it's remarkable that you told your parents you did not want to hear what was in that letter. Your recovery is shining girl!!! You don't have to hear it, you don't have to do anything and you don't have to allow yourself to get drawn into the drama.
Your son is in my prayers, and like my son he is in God's hands. Not a bad place for either one of our sons to be, yes?
Hugs
Your son is in my prayers, and like my son he is in God's hands. Not a bad place for either one of our sons to be, yes?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are doing really good in your recovery.we do have choices.it is hard sometimes for us to keep doing it sometimes. we want them clean & sober & it is hard for them.this suffering we do by working our recovery is about like them working theres.hard as heck.sending prayers for you & him too.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Good Morning Ann & Hope, Ann thank you for your wonderful post. I don't want to be part of the drama anymore. In God's Hands what a wonderful place to be. God knows better than I what my son needs. It is time our whole family got out of His way so His Will can be done. My dad has decided to write the car off.........a hard lesson but one he needed. He decided if he did go through all the trouble of getting it my AS would more than likely think it was still his & want it back when he gets out.
I KNOW I cannot control my family but on the other hand they cannot control me if I refuse to allow it. In the past everytime they got a letter they couldnt wait to share it with me, this time is no different but this time I am going to refuse to listen. I know oneday I will be getting my own letter & will have to decide what to do with it. The way I feel now I will throw it out. It would be hard but why read it when I know it will only upset me & there is nothing I will do to " help " him. Everytime he has been incarcerated he has had his own tv. Let him sit in there with no family behind him & suffer the consequences of his own actions. He is getting nothing that he didn't ask for. He cared nothing about the rest of our family when he cheated my parents out of $1,5000 not 6 wks ago. His brother & cousin could have used the money for important things like paying college bills. Instead he took the money and used it for drugs & God knows what else. Sorry I am going on & on.
Hope, very good comparison. Yes recovery is not easier but easier than watching him destroy himself. I just can't know what is happening to him anymore. I am way too compassionate & cannot waste my compassion on anyone who is choosing to do these things to themself, then call me asking for help. After my last surgery I had seizures 5 days post op due to 6 MD's that run Pain Management cold turkeying me off of xanax & welbutrin. One of the effects was a big memory loss. Since then my personality changed. I don't know if it was my brush with death, changes in my brain due to a mess up of the electrical system, or how very hard it was coming back after the revision & subsequent complications, but I feel I have no time to waste on anyone who drains me in any way shape or form. I have told " friends " " I am tired of casting my pearls among swine " I used to spend hours on the phone when I was so sick I couldn't even walk listening to people telling me over & over about their " problems " I would offer them my best advice when they would ask....................but they never took it. They would just do the same things over & over then wonder why their lives got no better. I read an article once that called these people " emotional users " or drainers I really don't remembr but the point was they drain your energy but do nothing to help themselves. Nothing ever changes for them. They call you over & over, year after year................and you have the exact same conversation. My step-son was engaged when he passed away almost 4yrs ago this Nov 21st. She calls me from time to time. She has not held a job since he passed & is living with one of my step son's best friends & has been since not long after we lost him. I know they now abuse drugs yet she blames everything on losing Jimmy. For the 1st 2 yrs after he was gone I understood. We were frozen ourselves but then we got help & moved on & started living again. I used to tell her over & over to get help but she never does. It is people like that I have no time for anymore.
I am sorry if this is OT but I don't think so. I think it is all part of being a codie. Everyone is in charge of their own life once they are an adult whether they are your children, or your neighbors. We are only responsible for ourselves. I am just so weary of trying to save the whole world & in the process wind up losing myself. I can't do it anymore, my time is too precious & I am determined to spend it more wisely.
Thanks for your help & for listening.
Love,
Diane
I KNOW I cannot control my family but on the other hand they cannot control me if I refuse to allow it. In the past everytime they got a letter they couldnt wait to share it with me, this time is no different but this time I am going to refuse to listen. I know oneday I will be getting my own letter & will have to decide what to do with it. The way I feel now I will throw it out. It would be hard but why read it when I know it will only upset me & there is nothing I will do to " help " him. Everytime he has been incarcerated he has had his own tv. Let him sit in there with no family behind him & suffer the consequences of his own actions. He is getting nothing that he didn't ask for. He cared nothing about the rest of our family when he cheated my parents out of $1,5000 not 6 wks ago. His brother & cousin could have used the money for important things like paying college bills. Instead he took the money and used it for drugs & God knows what else. Sorry I am going on & on.
Hope, very good comparison. Yes recovery is not easier but easier than watching him destroy himself. I just can't know what is happening to him anymore. I am way too compassionate & cannot waste my compassion on anyone who is choosing to do these things to themself, then call me asking for help. After my last surgery I had seizures 5 days post op due to 6 MD's that run Pain Management cold turkeying me off of xanax & welbutrin. One of the effects was a big memory loss. Since then my personality changed. I don't know if it was my brush with death, changes in my brain due to a mess up of the electrical system, or how very hard it was coming back after the revision & subsequent complications, but I feel I have no time to waste on anyone who drains me in any way shape or form. I have told " friends " " I am tired of casting my pearls among swine " I used to spend hours on the phone when I was so sick I couldn't even walk listening to people telling me over & over about their " problems " I would offer them my best advice when they would ask....................but they never took it. They would just do the same things over & over then wonder why their lives got no better. I read an article once that called these people " emotional users " or drainers I really don't remembr but the point was they drain your energy but do nothing to help themselves. Nothing ever changes for them. They call you over & over, year after year................and you have the exact same conversation. My step-son was engaged when he passed away almost 4yrs ago this Nov 21st. She calls me from time to time. She has not held a job since he passed & is living with one of my step son's best friends & has been since not long after we lost him. I know they now abuse drugs yet she blames everything on losing Jimmy. For the 1st 2 yrs after he was gone I understood. We were frozen ourselves but then we got help & moved on & started living again. I used to tell her over & over to get help but she never does. It is people like that I have no time for anymore.
I am sorry if this is OT but I don't think so. I think it is all part of being a codie. Everyone is in charge of their own life once they are an adult whether they are your children, or your neighbors. We are only responsible for ourselves. I am just so weary of trying to save the whole world & in the process wind up losing myself. I can't do it anymore, my time is too precious & I am determined to spend it more wisely.
Thanks for your help & for listening.
Love,
Diane
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you Laura, I am happy if anything I said helpd you.
I am trying to be strong while my heart is breaking. I love him so much but at the same tim I am so very angry with him.............but thats good I think cuz then I will stay strong.
I am trying to be strong while my heart is breaking. I love him so much but at the same tim I am so very angry with him.............but thats good I think cuz then I will stay strong.
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