Ran into xabf's friend

Old 05-22-2007, 11:12 AM
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Ran into xabf's friend

Yesterday I ran into one of my xabf's friends. He said he hadn't talked to my ex in a while because he's stopped doing drugs and has disassociated from that scene. I told him that my ex is smoking crack now, he said he knew and that the last time he saw my ex that he didn't look good. It helped me to realize that my ex really does have a bad problem that isn't just gonna go away and that other people have noticed what he's doing to himself. It's also sad that my ex used to be someone that others looked up to and now many of his friends are growing up and are drifting away from him.

After 5 weeks of not talking to him (and 5 weeks after his last relapse), sometimes I wonder now if he's magically doing better and if he has a new girl and if he's cleaned up and if he thinks about me and realizes what he's done. I missed him so much this last weekend I could barely stand it, I was thinking about the good memories, there were a lot of them and it's hard to just think about the last few months when he got lost into that scary world. But I'm learning to accept the way that things have changed, which I think may be the hardest thing I've ever had to face. I know that his mind doesn't function like it used to before the crack, the last time I saw him he was totally f***ed up on crack and was a different person. I could just tell by looking at him that his mind wandered like crazy and his thoughts probably drive him nuts.

I think I'm feeling scared because I'm finally realizing that it's completely over now and it hurts that he chose that life and continues to choose it. I feel cheated. I know that he's not good for my life but I still feel rejected that he hasn't even tried to contact me for over a month now. I know it's for the better, I'm just going through so many stages of emotions over this whole thing and it's hard to understand. Thanks for letting me talk
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Old 05-22-2007, 02:29 PM
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Star,
I Know exactly how you feel. It's been only a couple of weeks since I discovered my BF has an addiction. I think that I am finally coming to terms with the fact that he isn't really ready to do anything about it. The worst part is that we had a really good relationship prior to. When he told me about his addiction, I mistakenly thought he was reaching out to me for help. Now I'm realizing that he was looking for my acceptance, which, of course, I didn't give.

I think it hurts so badly for us because we fell in love with the sober versions of our BFs, and then the addict showed up and stole them away and so all of our hopes, dreams, and expectations were shot down in mid-flight. For me, it was just so abrupt and in so many ways I feel like I'm mourning a death, but at least when you're greiving people understand your grief. No one seems to understand why I'm not angrier with him, but it's because I recognize that he's sick so I try not to get offended by his actions.

Like you, my (X?)ABF hasn't tried to contact me, so in a way, I guess I should be grateful that he has given me the space to move on. But in so many ways I'm feeling rejected, I guess because I don't fully understand the power of addiction. I remember believing that love could conquer anything, but that was before I understood addiction. Someone here told me that the addiction will always protect itself-- I'm learning that firsthand and it is the hardest lesson ever!

I wish that I had some advice for you, but it sounds like you're doing really well. I can only pray that I make it to 5 weeks and sound as strong as you. I think it's normal to wonder about him from time to time, I'm sure that he'll always have a special place in your heart. I think the danger comes when you become so obsessed with him that you lose sight of you-- you don't seem to be there. Be patient with yourself.

(((((Hugs)))))
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Old 05-22-2007, 03:51 PM
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Thank you for the reply 'Confused', they definitely do get stolen away from us, that's a good way to put it. My ex has always done some type of drug (vicodin,ecstacy,oxy's,coke) and I used to do them with him but then I pulled away from all of that because I had to start getting serious, but I never tried crack and I didn't know he was doing it until after we had been broken up for a couple of months and then it all came together, why he drifted away from me for the last few months, his temper, not wanting to hang out with me as much or for very long. I was working so much and barely saw him anymore so I didn't know when he started doing it but either way, he does it now and I can't change that or how much he's changed. Does he even think about me? Can he? Or is he too obsessed with getting high on crack every day? I wish he didn't let his life, or our life, fall apart. When I saw him the two times after I knew he was doing crack (once by choice, the other time not) he was a wreck and I know that he's not capable of giving me the love he once did as long as he's smoking that stuff. I still can't believe it sometimes.

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this too. I cried every day for at least 3 months after we broke up. Now I'm at 4 and 1/2 months after the break up and I cry occasionally but still feel very sad and regretful that it didn't work out. Time is helping.

You will get through it, just focus on one day at a time and go about your life, get out and do things that make you feel good. I appreciate your words, I guess I don't really expect answers - how can anyone explain this to me in a way that I will see things in black and white???, I just needed some understanding, so thank you!
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