TexasGirl

Okay, so when stbXAH checked into rehab on Friday, he gave them my name and number. He did tell them that we were separated. So....today I got a phone call from the center. The woman asked me if she could ask me a few questions, and I said sure. Well, the first thing out of her mouth was, "If he completes this program, are you willing to consider reconciliation with him?" I was just SO caught off guard that I didn't know what to say! I finally managed to ask her why she was asking, and she sensibly replied that they try to tailor the program to best fit him, and she is working to figure out what kind of support would be available to him following treatment. I definitely understand the goal of that, but it just surprised me. You know why? I suddenly had to face that it might not be just about his drinking. I have been able to blame that this whole time. And really that was the primary reason for the pending divorce, if not the only one. But I really don't want to be married to him again. I just want to pretend that those years never existed. But if it was just about the drinking, then what's my excuse for not wanting to fix things? I feel guilt all over again. She was really nice about it, and she said that she wasn't asking to pry or to convince, but that they want to tailor his treatment accordingly. She proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions about his use, consequences, and any other underlying issues. She then told me about family week at the center and how it would be helpful if I were interested. I don't want to be wrapped up in him, but suddenly it's like I should be "because he is in treatment," not that she made me feel that way, but I am making me feel that way. The guilt is really bothering me. If the drinking ended the marriage, why would I be so resistent to reparation after treatment? And what kind of person am I if I refuse to participate in family week? I can just imagine him being crushed that I don't show up. Why do I care?? UGH!!! This is SOOOOOO frustrating and hard!

denny57

TG, I have to run, but want to send you a couple thoughts. If the marriage is over, it's over. I have to work hard at not doing things out of guilt anymore. I've had time to think these last 18 months and the drinking did not end the marriage, it contributed to the problems we had. Many of those problems would still exist if the drinking were gone.

If I were to get that call, I'd take it this way: she is honestly trying to tailor his program to him. If you don't see going back to the marriage, say no to reconciliation and let them do what they do.

I'm sitting here feeling manipulated for you! LOL

Hang in there and much love to you.

Cynay

Hey TG..... Your disease is talking to you again.

It does not matter if the drinking was the orginal reason.... the fact remains you do not want to be married to this man, the hurt is not fixable for you at this time and you do not want your life wrapped around his.

This is YOUR life sweetie, not his.... he did what he wanted in drinking and that is what brought him to this point.... nothing you did could have changed that. Let them tailor the program around him....

You are not doing him any favors if you were to give him hope... maybe he will be crushed but that could be part of his bottom... are you sure you want to go hold his hand, try and reconcile and keep him from fancing his consequences??? God knows what it took for you to get this far.... if that is how you feel then doing any of that is only you relasping sweetie.

Nothing to feel guilty about....

CE Girl

The road to recovery is frought with potholes isn't it?

I think the trick is avoiding them and keeping your wheels. Ensuring forward momentum.

If you think about it, do you want to go back?

With all due respect TG, is the drinking the only reason he's a soon to be EAH?

I've said that to myself, if he gets sober, then why would I leave him?
All the problems stem from his alcoholism after all.

PSHAAAAAWWWW!!!!!

Let me see? Could I be leaving him because he has no RESPECT for me?

How bout him raising his hand to me, not once, but TWICE.

Or maybe I could be leaving him cause if I don't I will be even MORE destroyed finacially

Oh, and theres is the little reason of DESERVING more than he is able to give,,

I think you get my point,,,

Stay strong!

Peace

mallowcup

This is typical and unacceptable. She should have prefaced the call by acknowledging the fact that she realized this would catch you off guard. She shouldn't have accepted or expected you to answer right then. Her planning shouldn't disarm you or upset you. Certainly, she understands this would do both.
To me it somewhat validates that she belives the trama was his.
She should have asked you and said she'd contact you in a week or so after you had time to think about it. That would have been professional and sensative.
I would not discuss the particulars of my life or my relationship over the phone with someone alledging to be who they say they are.
Tayloring his discharge and plan of care, is something she should have discussed face to face with you at your convenience, not hers or his.

ICU

Excellent point Mallowcup!!

I was thinking the same thing too. I've learned to be extremely guarded on the phone, especially when it might be linked to my ex.

TG, I hope whatever you decide, it's based on what is best for 'you'!

cagefree

What kind of person are you? One who is letting him lie in the bed he made.

You can imagine him being crushed. I lost count of the times my XABF wasn't there for me, most importantly when my last grandparent died. Then there was the time when I got yelled at in front of a bunch of people when I put in a 13 hour shift at work and went to his baseball game right afterwards, but missed the first inning and his fabulous hit...crushed didn't begin to describe how I felt. I did nothing to deserve what he delivered.

Somewhere along the way we allow ourselves to become responsible for the crap caused by their bad choices. It's not such a bad thing to let them own their crap and change their own diapers.

(((((TG)))))

FormerDoormat

TG, are you done with him or not? If you are, then don't accept calls from his rehab counselor and don't attend the family meetings. You're done. If you aren't, then attend the family meetings, but do so knowing that by attending them you're sending your ex a signal that you're open to a relationship with him and you'll very likely get reeled back into a life of chaos and disappointment.

Now, about explaining why you're done and that it's not just about the alcohol, you don't need to explain your motives to anyone. Not to your soon to be ex-husband and certainly not to his rehab counselor.

Just like your ex-husband, the counselor has HIS best interests in mind, not yours. How about you let go of the guilt and focus on the one person who has your best interests at heart--YOU?

duet_4-8

Perhaps because you have suffered the effects of his drinking to the point that you have lost all trust in him. I don't know your story, but I am well aquainted with the lies, manipulation, lies, verbal-emotional abuse, lies, and etc that go along with addiction. It just gets to the point where it isn't about whether or not they are drinking/drugging. It's about how YOU want to live your life and what kind of treatment you are going to allow.

You would be a perfectly rational human being who has reached her breaking point in the marriage and does not want to give her ex any false hope.

I'm just tossing this thought out there and it may be completely off base.....

Since he gave them your name and number, knowing that you are seperated, do you think maybe this may be manipulation on his part? He knew they would call you, and he surely knows what your reaction was going to be (A's have a way of knowing these things.....). He may be thinking that if you will just come and hold his hand through this, then everything will be fine......

IMHO, the problem would be that if he is not doing this truly for just himself, then it isn't going to work anyway. If you do give in to the guilt and go, do you think it may end up being all your fault (in his mind) when he relapses down the road? (I say when and not if because if he is not doing this for himself, then he will most likely relapse).

No offense meant, this is just how I think it would be if this were my ex. For me, getting involved would be a no win situation....

Zoey

Don't go, Don't feel guility.
Gal was just doing her job. Say you are finished with him and the marriage and she will look for other support people, or a half way house.

So sorry you had to go thru this.
Caring hugs

elizabeth1979

I can really really relate to this.
A few months back (February I think), D decided to get sober.
I went to lunch with him, dinner, spent some time with him.
I felt complete indifference. Not love, not hate, complete indifference.
That feeling was more disturbing to me than hating him or loving him. Of course I wanted the best for him and nothing but good things, but I just didnt love him anymore. I tried to make myself. I remember thinking, damn..I begged God to make him sober for years, and now he is and I still dont want him?

It ultimately came down to the fact that I hung our demise on his drinking. It wasnt all because of that. But we just weren't going to work. I had changed too much. He hadnt really, but I had. I couldnt see staying with him, simply bc he wanted it.

You know, he picked up again. Started acting crazy again. I halted all contact, again.

Maybe because

There are no guarantees. D has been to inpatient rehab more times than I can count (28 days each to the tune of $15,000 each).

No matter what he does, Im not in love with that person anymore. I want to be free, I want to be my own person and I want my own life. I dont want that with him anymore.

You are free to live your life, be who you want, and make choices without asking yourself what it will do to him. Be who you want to be without fear.
Fear and guilt paralyzes people. They are both valid emotions, but neither are good places to dwell in.

chero

Hey TG! How you feeling today??? Been thinking about you!

Tazman53

TG do what is best for you, if the marriage is over it is over, why prolong your agony.

If he is going to stay sober he will do it with or with out you.

When I went through detox and on to AA I knew that it was for me, my wife let me know that her and the kids may or may not stay, so I got sober for me, I did not want to die. So far things on the family front are doing well, kind of like a new beginning for both of us.

Jazzman

Wow, same thing happened to my sister when her AH entered a faith based program. Of course their goal was to reunite the family no matter what my sisters opinion was...
Not really sure how that would make any difference to his after care program TBH. His future is up to him, not you.
Again, tailor treatment? She's prying, period. Really surprised you even got the call TBH. Very unprofessional if you ask me. Man I would have been pissed. I'll say this, his recovery is not your business. I for one am vary glad I'm divorced because if this recent dating experiment thing goes south it's an easy exit stage left, clean break type of thing.