Tazman53

My hear actually aches many times when I read some of the destruction we alcoholics reek in others lifes, but I do have a question which I have no idea what the answer is.

Did the alcoholic create the codie or did the codie find the alcoholic?

Do you get what I mean?

I can see where an alcoholic could create a codie if the codie hooks up with the alcoholic before the disease rears its ugly head, but then again I have seen a few on here who hooked up with thier alcoholic knowing they were alcoholics or at a minimum drank to much.

Kind of a which came first the chicken or the egg question.

CE Girl

You ask the BEST questions Taz!!!!

In my case, I don't think my A created the codie, but I do know, I had no clue he was an alcoholic till after we began the relationship. He hid it well, I was naive and during the "getting to know each other" stage, a lot get overlooked. So, I wasn't looking for an A to be a codie too

With that said, I think I had the "codie" disease before I met him

He brought it out

I've always been a caretaker, with my best "piece of work" being caring for a sick husband 20 of the 23 years we were married. He was diagnosed with hodgkins disease at 23. Died when he was 43. I gave up myself so he could have life for the short time on this earth.

I didn't think of it as codie at the time, but I'll tell ya, after "surviving" it with my A, I DEFINATLY knew where it came from

Now a questions for you

Do A's purposly LOOK for codies?

Peace

WhatAboutME

When I met my husband, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. He did not drink excessively. He did not drink everyday, or even every weekend. And when we did go out together, he rarely drank too much. Fast forward 4 years later to our wedding. He had already admitted to having a drinking problem, and I married him anyway. I don't believe I was codependent when I met my husband, actually I was quite independent at this time of my life. But as the years went on, and his disease began/progressed, my own codependence progressed as well. And when we married, yes, I was totally codependent.

Astro

Not purposely, but I think we do it subconsciously. When we're active in our disease we're looking for anything to fill the empty hole in our hearts and souls. People, places, and things.

Looking back over my relationships and two marriages I can see major issues with codependancy, and lately with the addition of CoDA meetings to my program of recovery I can see where I have the characteristics too.

queenteree

Taz,
Great question! I think they both find each other. Just as people are attracted to a certain hair color, body type, etc., I think when codie meets alcoholic, they immediately start to hit it off, codie thinks he/she could help alcoholic, take care of alcoholic, and save alcoholic and with someone like that in alcoholic's life, alcoholic will be fine. Alcoholic needs someone who can take care of them, cover for them and eventually who they can blame for their drinking, etc. They feed off each other and bam - a relationship made in heaven! (LOL). Then codie gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, wants to get off the rollercoaster ride and seeks help while alcoholic is getting deeper into the web of alcoholism, and then it's the beginning of the end. It's sad in a way, isn't it?

ICU

Neither.

I knew he drank (so what, I drank too), but didn't know how much until after we moved in together.

And I didn't know I was a codie before-hand (but I can certainly see now that I did have some tendencies). What I did know is that I had fallen so, so, soooo deeply in love with him, like I had never fallen in love before, nor ever will again. 'THAT' was my fatal error!!!

Rella927

Again another great thread Taz! And AHEM your not STUPID!

Astro great reply!

And funny how I see that posted a few times in here "When I first started my relationship I did not know he was an A" because that is the whole TRAP for them!
(My brother sadly is pretty good at that one)

Taz ....IMHO I believe that a codie can in fact become a codie (WhatAboutMe) without having lived in or with addiction growing up-I feel that you get so warped into trying to "fix" the A that we become so co-dependent because of the disease-it is a vicious disease and can work anyone into becoming co-dependent.

But, then you have the codie *waving* who grew up with the disease and entered into a realtionship with an A-so this could be a tuff question to answer-

*taps foot* *shakes head*

See as a codie entering a realtionship with the A (The codie found the A in some cases) they search for that comfort they knew growing up-

But on the other hand someone who has no trace of alcoholism in their background can enter in a relationship with an A without knowing off the bat-and begin the dance.....

So very confusing Taz-I think the egg and the chicken come at the same time in this scenario?!

cmc

Taz,
The three C's work for codies too. Cause, Cure, Control and the extra one Contribute.
When my son began to experiment with drugs, it was his choice. When I began to try to control something that was impossible to control, it was my choice.

I think it's just a tendency to use whatever methods we know of in order to cope. Some of these unhealthy behaviors are learned in disfunctional families with no alcohol or drug abuse.

For me, it's how I have chosen to react...regardless of the people places and things involved. The problem is that most of us get going down the wrong path way before we realize it and then there is some work to do in order to change ourselves.

hopeangel

i'm really exploring this issue right now. when i have the complete answer i will let you know, but i definitely have found, if you read my post recently, that it is definitley me that has put myself in this position and have choosen to stay in this place. after all, i could have left many many times, right??? i believe i turned to ah (in hind site) for a lot of wrong reasons. so, yes, i definitely think the codie is there before the alcoholic.

best

Taz I think you just found the "one" smart thing I did when I was drinking.
I married a wonderful codie. My charm at the time and her being ignorant because of age worked out well. She matured and found recovery for her side of things...took me a little longer and her being the codie she is...Well like I said...the one smart thing I did while drinking...I married a wonderful codie.

Rella927

Best....your just the best!

an'ka

My disease to please was there well before I met my AH. I knew fully well that he drank too much when we met, but we were in college and in love. I never thought that I could "fix" him, but I did choose to overlook many unacceptable things that he did. The main one was that I never was a priority, I compromised and I discounted my own gut feelings. Fast forward ten years--I am filing for a dissolution, because I finally realize that I am a great person and deserve so much more from my partner and life in general.

I think codependence is an underlying tendency for most of us that end up in one sided relationships--this tendency gradually gets strengthened as years go by and bad things compound.

MsGolightly

i totally agree. i think i might have had some codie tendencies before the relationship with my A, but i never showed them and could have read a book like "codependent no more" and not seen myself in that at all. i had been in several serious relationships before the one with my A, and in no way was i codependent, and the end of those relationships didn't effect me nearly as much as the one with my A did. she wasn't codie before she got with me, either. we both just developed it in each other and created an environment that allowed it... but she was also sober for a good portion of our relationship. i became very dependent and intertwined with the sober person, not the drunk.

prodigal

We're fortunate to have you posting on this board, Taz, because you give us food for thought. I was a codie long before I hooked up with my AH. I was in a long line of disasterous relationships, although not all were with A's.

Yes, I knew my AH was an alkie on our second date because I could tell by the way he picked up. However, he was the most polite, sweet-natured guy I had ever met. He had a few problems with his drinking, but about eight months after being dating buddies, we got serious. He was in AA and, in hindsight, he was using the same M.O. way back then: get into some sort of trouble (with work or a DUI) and start "working" a program. Yeah, right.

He had many positive attributes, and he let them shine through while courting me. But once he slipped that wedding band on my finger (or should I say, he had me legally "hooked") .... yikes! That's when I started seeing the REAL thing.

So once upon a time, a sick codie and a sick A got together, fell in "love," and proceeded down the path to the looney bin ....

AllTooSober

I was a recovering codie when I met my ex-A. I had no idea how much he drank for several months, until after we'd moved in together. Ironically, when we first started getting serious I remember thinking how relieved I was that I'd met somebody who didn't "need fixing." Hah. Imagine my crushed disappointment when I realized the truth.

My codie-ism resurfaced for a bit but not nearly as bad as it had been in the past... I didn't do things for him that he should do himself, for example, but I did think that if he loved me he'd do what it took to get better. I also had a horrible time figuring out what my boundaries were until he'd already violated them. And, it took me longer than I care to admit for me to realize that he wasn't ready to recover and that if I didn't get out I'd likely suffer violence.

Once I managed to move out, though, I never looked back. It's been 3 months and I still haven't broken 'no contact,' despite all his phone calls and pathetic drunken messages (most of which got deleted, unheard). That doesn't sound too codie to me.

Cynay

Well here are my thoughts ....

The personality traits that we would associate with being Codie are great traits and we all have them when we are born. It is the exteem of anything that creates the problem and when the Codie developes those extreem traits is when the balance is thrown and all heck breaks loose.

The Alcoholic created me that is a given.... and she not only created the Codie from birth she did an exceptional job of it. I was the sickest enabler I think I have ever met.... NO wait I have a close friend that is probably just as bad or almost. I was raised in an Alcoholic home doing my best to take care of / control everything and everyone... to the point of actually provoking the Alcoholic if I thought she would physically strike out my my little sister so that I could take the hit.

When I grew up I went and found an Alcoholic of my very own and did the same thing... took exceptional care of him ... till my daughter was born. Looking back now even the men I dated were either alcoholic/addict.... Anyway by the time I divorced my first husband there was no stopping me..... I was in the depths of my sickness.

I was so good at controling that is how the second husband ended up married... I dont think he knew what hit him at the time.... Yes I loved him.... and he was not an Alcoholic... I did the 180 from my first husband and had started theraphy by then... but true to form I made sure any and everything he wanted happened.... right down to getting custody of his children for him.... Of course anything that is built on that type of foundation will fail.... SO... I divorced him and ran out to date more Alcoholics in the throws of their disease and years more of theraphy.

Then I met the Alcoholic who brought me to my knees and I began Al-anon, Open AA meetings, Theraphy (again), reading everything and SR.... and now CoDA meetings.... it is taking all this to help correct my personality traits......

Im happy to say that Im getting much healthier .... Now I only date recovering Alcoholics

leenymclaugh

I can tell you I was a codie LOOOONG before I met my first alcoholic at the age of 19. I think alot of it has to do with my upbringing and I would also suspect that ALOT of codies have some form of alcoholic background (being raised by A's or ACOA's.. and they were probably raised by A's or ACOA's and on and on....as we all know, this is a disease that is passed on generation after generation -- we live what learn). Just my .02.

Zoey

Tazman, love happens to the female, male alcoholics have a certain charm. Male's fall in lust at first.
Life happens.

Little girls are born care takers, thats why more nurses are female.

We females change. We love so we pretend to like parties, fishing, ball games etc.

Then we get stuck with dishes and laundry all alone, while hubby out having fun.

So we have changed into a normie thinking of babies, togetherness, wanting long discussions on life and feelings.

I have read often, males marry never wanting her to change (always playmate)
Women marry thinking the male will grow up, mature etc. Alcohol does not allow that.

Big mess.
Codie I never understood.
We all need, love, respect, acceptance.
Mine was a fun happy drunk. I didn;t get concerned till he started drinking around the clock and I was so afraid it would kill him. My love was selfish I wanted him, no one else would do.
We females always think "HAPPY EVER AFTER" That is not true. Love hurts.
I had happiness, just not always when I was worrying, or tired.

Without him I would have not had a lot of my happiness.

My thoughts. No wisdom.

best

And age doesn't help change us much either.

Sticks tongue out at Zoey and then runs *LOL*

Seeking Wisdom

I have had the pleasure of visiting this forum since 2003, and during this time, I have noticed so many, many different situations and relationships with alcoholics. I have also noticed there are many different types of personalities ... both for the alcoholic and their partner. There have been some situations where the sober partner knew they were forming a relationship with an alcoholic, but may not have known anything about what a formidable situation or how all consuming alcohol addiction is and what they were getting themselves into-so they continued hoping things would get better. There were those that knew about alcoholism and may have had some problems with alcohol themselves, but proceeded forward with the relationship anyway. There were relationships where the alcoholic behaviors weren't present to begin with...developed later and their sober significant other still patiently waited, pretended it wasn't a problem, tried to do all the things they could to make the alcoholic happy in hopes they would get better and become their caretaker. There were those that didn't marry an alcoholic but a very functional individual and the drinking very gradually became a problem over a long period of time..with their spouses having little tolerance for the abusive drinking, but lacked the ability or knowledge on how to cope with the escalating crisis. There have been new dating relationships ... and complex long term marriages with children involved - each requiring a different course of action to free themselves of the pain and chaos of alcoholism.

For me, I deliberately chose someone I felt was the least likely to become an alcoholic as I had absolutely no tolerance for alcohol abuse. The husband I married was highly responsible, very functional, hard working and never lied - he was more apt to be a caretaker than I was. My own father had been an alcoholic and a binge drinker and I knew first hand how destructive it was to their families- however, my dad was eventually able to get his drinking under control with short relapses a couple times a year and lived a long, healthy productive life. In my dad's case alcoholism was not progressive .. and in the last 40 years, he was able to turn his life around without totally abstaining. However, in the beginning of my marriage, my husband only drank a couple of times a year only when we had guests that drank ... he would leave beer untouched in the frig for weeks. After about 5 years, we moved to a neighborhood where it was common for the guys to have a couple of beers every night after work... and that is when the problems began...very slowly, very gradually. For many years, he tried to pass himself off as a social drinker that occasionally had too much to drink ... and he could maintain a certain amount of control....but over the years it grew.. slowly and insiduiously, and eventually he became fanatical at hiding the amount he drank, and eventually tried to hide that he drank at all.. as I put down boundaries of no drinking by that time. I was never his caretaker and had no tolerance for his sloppy drinking behavior - he just worked very hard at trying to convince me he was just a social drinker. Because of my father's history and pattern of drinking, I justifiably believed my husband would also be capable of getting his drinking under control. If I had known then what I know now about how alcoholism normally progresses .... I would have handled the situation so differently... I would have been a lot wiser ...a lot sooner. Knowledge of alcoholism and its patterns were essential for me to move towards a saner healthier life.


There have been so many different combinations and situations regarding alcoholic relationships, that there seems to be no easy answers to this question ... except that for most of us, we had no idea as to how overwhelmingly powerful, progressive and destructive alcohol addiction is. This forum has been a wealth of knowledge that can only come from those who have lived with an agony of alcoholism - and given us valuable insight to regaining control of our lives.