Rella927

Having trouble! Sorry ahead of time for the BABBLING (My head is muck and having BRAIN FARTS like crazy today)

Ok guys cover your eyes! Ladies….I woke up yesterday with my little friend (you know the once a month thing we all go through) and I’m pretty sure that is what is creating my mood, it always does! I know some of us get angry, irritable, sensitive etc… I am one of the SENSITIVE ones from A to Z! I know in another thread I believe Chero’s everyone was talking about “CRYING”-something I found myself doing all day yesterday! Ughhhhh!


I tried to keep myself busy! Unfortunate there were no meetings last night-only in the AM around me! I kept myself pretty busy for the most part-cleaning-going through clothes (doing the good will pile) and it finally hit me yesterday-I was crying not because I know he is with someone else and not because I know it is what they do move onto the next “individual that will allow them to keep in their addiction and comfort zone” but the reason I was crying is that I feel so very sad that I allowed myself to continue to be there in both unhealthy and then healthy ways-until I had to make that finally leap away because his love continued for the bottle and not me. I made the right choice for ME!

I guess today I’am battling with is the last words that he said to me after he was arrested for DUI and harassing “Thank you for screwing up my life once again” (Which I know is not true because I did not put the bottle to his mouth nor did I cause his disease) “You are a coward and cannot even face me” (Which again I’m not a coward just someone who loved him and was doing what was right for me)

With this said……..I know the answer as I believe I asked it last week and got some great input from SR-but still having A LOT of trouble with not so much that he is with someone else but, that he does not care enough YET or MAYBE NEVER about his sobriety and did not love me but rather the bottle more to just move on to keep his addiction going.

I know why he is moved onto someone else-but I guess this is the part where the growing pains come in-you realize why they have done that it is the accepting that it is NOT YOU trap that I fall back into at times.
(My strength disintegrates for a brief moment in time)

I understand that he will continue to drink if someone is willing to keep enabling his addiction
(This is his way of loving not mine)

I realize that if this person he is with now walks away, he will then keep repeating the same thing just as long as his needs and addiction are met.

I guess with all my codie quacking my “crazies” have kicked in (it’s the hormones LOL) I’m just really sad that I feel like I failed him but in reality I know I did not-because I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it! And as Minnie stated in her post “If love was enough there would be no addiction”

I just feel sad today that he is with someone else ignoring his disease and not grasping on to sobriety ….(I know I know it is not my problem-it is his-)

I’m sad because his disease creates his skewed thinking and threw that blame on me.
(When all I wanted was for him to get better so my choice was to get myself better and his choice was the bottle)

I’m sad because I’m a “codie” and I’m powerless over this disease and others!

I’m also proud to be a “codie” in recovery on my path to living a healthy free life!

I’m happy because I’m living with myself and I’m not alone anymore-it is so much better than living with someone and feeling alone!

I’m happy because I have loving friends, family and SR that pick me up by even one or two words and help me realize that it is ok to have a bad day-as long as I do not dwell there! Today is one of those days…………

(“Sigh” growing pains!)

mallowcup

Yup, hormones. I was just talking to a doc about the very same thing. She recommended ground flax seed. You can do some reading about it on the internet. I've been putting it on raisin bran every morning for a week and I feel chipper.
Some of it is emotional, but some of it is physical.

Rella927

I heard of that but never looked into it! Thanks Mallow I will do that!

CE Girl

I can SO relate to what you say Rella,,,,don't be so quick to blame it on hormones. I had mine last week,,,lol

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is the unanswered REASONS to my A's statements/questions.

"How can you do this to me?"

Wait, I didn't do anything to you, your doing it to yourself (left unsaid)

"I'm drinking again cuase you left me. I told you, you had my heart, I will NEVER give that to anyone again because of YOU"

No, your bottle has your heart, I was just the vessel that allowed you to have it (again, unsaid)

"Why won't you talk to me? At least we can be friends"

Ya think?!?! After you called me a liar, demanded I stop seeing my family and friends, threw ultimatums at me. (yet, another thing I didn't have the satisfaction of saying)

You know why I didn't get a chance to say those things? Cause they didn't make a bit of difference to him. And I had finally realized it. More importantly, I am coming to BELIEVE it.

We are NORMAL. Yes, we are codies, and because of that, expect our A's to be normal and CARE what the person we profess to love in our life thinks/feels. That's what happens in NORMAL relationships. Talking things through and having the ability to work through problems. I have yet to see a couple made up of codie/addict work through that problem. From what I can see on here, even those who choose to accept the alcoholic in their lives behaviour have at some point "detached" and set boundries for their own sanity. That is one reason, I have not choosen that option. IMHO THAT is not a relationship. I know what I NEED in a relationship, and its mutual respect and understanding. Pretty simple. However, I am not passing judgement on those that stay. In fact, have the utmost respect for those that do, and admire how they can still take care of themselves.

It's a bi*** when you wake up "in the day" and have to deal with the place you are today. What I try to do, is ALLOW it to happen, face it head on, and examine the REASONS I feel the way I do. It appears you do the same. Posting, talking and yup, even crying is cleansing. I for one, am so glad you shared!!! Makes me know I'm not completely whack-a-doo cause I feel the SAME way!!!

Peace

BigSis

Ann tells me that the difference between a good day and a bad day... is about two days. (and sometimes, much less!)

Knowing that "this too shall pass" does make the time go any faster. But sometimes, I need to just sit with my feelings and let them happen.

Writing them out (as you did here) helps me ARTICULATE what I AM feeling... istead of just thinking "I feel lousy".

Good job, Rella.

(((hugs))) Hope the "good day" comes soon.

Rella927

(((Hugs CE )))) Thank you! Actually Hon-The unanswered questions actually were answered when I started taking care of ME! They will come to you in time! It was a hard step but I made it through that one-and with the telling him things-I realized a long time ago that whatever I said was not important because he was not important to himself. So I stopped pretty early on wasting my breathe!

I believe A's are normal too-they have a challenge as we do to cope with what our skewed brain cells created in order for us to survive as a child-to learn other ways to become the people that we wish to be without the skewed brain cells!

We all suffer in our own way due to whatever lies within the core of us, I do not believe it is about being normal it is about living healthy and peeling those layers away that have created us to live in an unhealthy way.

A's just like codies are only going to do this when they are willing to make that choice to do so until then we can only care for ourselves-just as if it was an A in recovery and the codie that was not, I honestly believe that the A would detach the same way that we do!

So I must say we are all NORMAL our behavior may not be but we just have some skewed brain waves that we need to take care of on our own when and if we decide too!

elizabeth1979

I dont make major decisions when Im in that state..hormally speaking.
Its taken me years to realize, I am just not emotionaly grounded enough to make good decisions about my personal life when Im in that place.
Things Im not enotionaly invested in, no problem. Such as work..good to go...on the other things..I wait a week. I always think Im being rational, but I make myself wait...usually I dont feel so emotionaly charged the next week

MsGolightly

boy, rella, can i relate! there are so many times i cry, and when i think about what i'm crying about... yeah, it's the loss of a relationship and a person i loved so much and thought so highly of... but i also feel so horrible for her because of the life she's chosen. it's hard for me to fathom not loving yourself enough to not want to get help, and it makes me cry to think that is where my ex is. someone who could be so lively, smart, beautiful, and really make an impact on the world can't see what needs to be done to get there.

and oh goodness, when she drinks, i'm blamed for absolutely everything. she could even bring up things from years ago and somehow twist it like it was something so significant ... like the time when i did this or that, and wow how it's effected her. i was never blamed for drinking, just blamed for things that normally wouldn't have mattered but were magnified with some beer in her.

awesome post, rella. i like what big sis said about the difference between a good day and a bad day, i'm really going to keep that in mind when i'm having a hard time!

CE Girl

LIGHTBULB!!!!!!

Let me try to make your day a little better by telling you YOU ROCK RELLA!!!!

I totally agree with that statement. I've seen it actually. While still in my codie disease as my A was attempting another "recovery". There would come a point, where I would feel I was more of a hinderance than a help. And while he never said it, I knew he felt that way too, and yes, in fact, he would "detach" and take care of his own business. I remember thinking back then, geez, i hate it when he's sober, thinkis he's "better" than me and won't "share". Hey, cut me some slack, I was SICK,,,lol

I also agree that we are ALL "normal". Well, as much as we can be,,lol. Anyone who knows me, will tell ya, I ain't. But thats cause I'm a renegade injun and they're an endangered species,,lol. Has nothing to do with my "disease". As "normal" has nothing to do with an A's disease. Probably not the right choice of words. Only mearly pointing out, how each of us can view relationships differently.

By the way. Your post reminded me of something I once heard in a support gourp I attended after the death of my husband. It was from a widow who had lost her husband after a brain anuerism (sp). He died instantly on their kitchen floor. He was 38, she 34. They had 4 small children, all under the age of 5. As she was telling her story, she said, "how sad does sad get?"

I think its perfectly NORMAL for you to have sad sometimes Rella

Peace and LOVE

Rella927

So true! That is what I try NOT TO DO! I know whatever decisions I make are not going to be very wise ones! The rational thinking is not there! Thank you for that reminder Elizabeth!

Thank God this only lasts about 3 days! HA HA!