I'm Losing My Mind

Old 05-20-2007, 07:57 PM
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I'm Losing My Mind

My 28 year old daughter has been without running water in her home for 3 weeks. I live 3 miles away and watch my grandson 4 nites a week while she works along with working 50-60 hours a week my self. She has been coming over here every day to do laundry and take a shower before going to work. It has gotten very old. A friend of Keiths offered to change her well pump and wrote a list of things she would need 3 days ago. She says she doesn't have the money [she is short about one hundred dollars], but she has the money to go 60 miles away tomorrow and have a picnic with a bunch of friends. I am so pissed, I blew and told her no more laundry or showers here, she needs to get her priorities straight. Then instead of coming straight home from work[should be here around 930], she doesn't call, so I call her. She's walking around walmart at 1015 buying food for the picnic. I have the baby, I have to get up at six and can't go to sleep til she picks him up. She has been clean and sober over 2 years but I feel she is crossing too many boundaries and I am reacting irrationally instead of making my position known. Please Help...Marian
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Old 05-20-2007, 09:21 PM
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(((Marian))) Clean and sober are just part of recovery. I've known LOTS of addicts/alcoholics still having "using behaviors" LOOooooonnnnngggggg into recovery. It is still part of the "ism" and is the REAL work in a good recovery program.

I am glad she is sober, but it will probably take running into (or over) other people's boundaries before she "gets" that she also needs to behave like an adult in all areas.

Refusing to watch the kids past 8:00 is not unreasonable. If she can't meet your boundaries, she can find another care provider.

((hugs))
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Old 05-21-2007, 01:05 AM
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I know you are mad at your daughter, but think of your grandson. How does he bathe, use the bathroom, etc. when he is not with you? Sometimes it is hard to be selfless, your daughter obviously needs to grow up some, but at least she is sober.
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Old 05-21-2007, 04:23 AM
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sometimes adult kids seem to think its ok to take advangage of their parents, even the sober ones. i think its up to you to enforce the set boundaries. trust me, as long as you continue to allow her to do these things, she will. glad she is clean and hope she continues down that path but sometimes clean don't mean all the way sober. sometimes it takes a little more time for the behavior to change and when its effecting you, you may just have to help her along by doing what is best for you. still praying for the both of you
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Old 05-21-2007, 04:38 AM
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Patch, I'm just sending hugs because I know how frustrating this all is for you and I would have trouble setting a boundary where the baby might suffer too. I don't know the answer (imagine that, lol) but hope you can get through to her and help her learn to be more responsible.

Last edited by Ann; 07-03-2007 at 03:56 AM.
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Old 05-21-2007, 05:56 AM
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Dear Patch, I am struggling with similiar issues with my 33 yr old SS. He was living with a woman & they had 2 boys together. Almost 2 yrs ago he threw her out as she was staying out all night for days on end, treating him badly, leaving him with the boys & not being home in time for him to go to wk etc. etc. So now my hubby & I are helping him raise the boys by himself. He is going to college part time & wking part time. Now he has just started dating someone.
I am having a hard time setting my boundaries. I want to help him but at the same time I don't want to be taken advantage of. everyone here is right all grown children have these issues with their parents not only ones who have been addicts.
He spends way too much money I think & if I say anything he'll tell me he needs it whatever it might be. Then if he is short he comes to me. We have helped him alot & most of the times he is very grateful & we get along fine, but there are times when I feel I am doing too much & he is still not doing enough. Even concerning my 2 grandsons I watch them when he goes to work, I watch them when he goes to school & even when he has to study. Being a single dad of 2 young kids is hard & sometimes he loses patience & I take one of them to give him a break & cuz I feel for the child. At ages 5 & 2 I worry that he expects too much from them & he says I am too soft. Its not easy thats all I know.
I think it is up to me to know my boundaries & focus on what I can do without hurting myself before I can tell him what my boundaries are if that makes any sense.
Love,
Diane
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Old 05-21-2007, 06:10 AM
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Wow Patch...talk about between a rock and a hard spot.
I don't have the answers either, but I do know that I am one who spent a long time looking the other way when my son was acting inappropriately simply because he wasn't doing durgs.
Inappropriate behavior is just that, regardless of the underlying reason. To allow someone to walk all over us simply because they no longer use is wrong. I not only am guilty at times of this, I KNOW my other two kids have noticed.
No answers here...just understanding
((((hugs))))
Cece
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Old 05-21-2007, 08:33 AM
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Hugs Patch, I hope you can find the balance between support while she does what she needs to do and establishing boundaries to maintain your sanity and serenity. So tough when there is a little one involved.

I've found it easier to discuss my boundaries when i am not annoyed. If I can do so calmly and matter of factly, then my family member doesn't get defensive. Too often i have laid out rules in anger with no success.

We can't control what they do with their time or money, but you certainly can establish boundaries for how much assistance you provide and how often.

Hugs.
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Old 05-21-2007, 10:34 AM
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I am not a parent so if what I say sounds harsh or wrong, IGNORE IT.

Here is what I would do:
1.) Set your boundaries for YOU and at a level you can tolerate. You are Grandma, not Babysitter. You have YOUR OWN LIFE.
2.) Let her know what the boundaries are.
3.) Let her know you will call CPS if she does not get running water within X days (housing is not decent, safe and sanitary).

If she can afford a picnic, she can afford a sitter and if she can afford a picnic she can afford to get running H2O. If she does not have enough money there are people who work part time for extra money. I know. I worked 3 jobs for 4 years.

If I am off base it is OK to tell me so. I may be out of line even saying any of this in the first place!
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Old 05-21-2007, 11:47 AM
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I am sorry she's acting that way. I have to agree with Elana about CPS. If anyone finds out she has no water (and many times the water department will turn them in) she will lose her son. If (DCF in Florida) is aware that you knew of the situation, you would not be able to foster him if you chose to do so.
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Old 05-21-2007, 12:12 PM
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hi patch,

my counselor told me there are two kinds of ways recovering addicts live.........
1. Living clean (when you don't do drugs)
2. Living clean AND sober (sober meaning when you WORK your program too)

My son is home from rehab six months three weeks clean to my knowledge. i wonder IF he is SOBER because in this time home (3 weeks) he has applied for jobs but hasn't found one. My private thoughts are that by one month you can find a job. It might not be the job of your dreams but you have to start somewhere........

Take care of yourself. That is what I am trying to do and not get "sucked" in. I deserve better than to worry about a grown, educated son getting a job. You need to do something for yourself. Just make sure when your grandchild is with you hygeine needs are met (Which I know you do anyway) and if your daughters job is important to her she won't put it in jeopardy by poor hygeine (IMHO) take care of YOU. You sound like you are a very caring person.........don't be taken advantage of......dixie
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Old 05-21-2007, 12:28 PM
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Patch,
Kind of the same behavior here, from my oldest RAS, I told him I'd help him get his teeth fixed, and he's spending money, camping with the guys on weekends, having a grand old time, and buying stuff that I don't think is a necessity...

I'm putting a limit on how much I'll pitch in, until I see some responsible way of living.

IMO, it's hard to set boundaries when you have a little grandson involved....although it sounds like she's taking advantage of you helping her by watching the grandson. I think it's good you told her exactly how you feel.
Does she have an alternative plan for a babysitter, if you cannot do it anymore?
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Old 05-21-2007, 12:28 PM
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Sending some hugs, I think you have a good start with the no showers or laundry. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-21-2007, 02:11 PM
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thank you everyone. I know one thing, a meeting tonite...I am going to sit with her and discuss how I FEEL...She went to my mom's and said I was still upset about Keith so I was taking it out on her. NOOOO...I"m sick of the chaos, wet towels on my floor, dirty shower, and no space for myself. I appreciate everyones comments and will be setting boundaries today as to what is and is not acceptable. I truly am losing it with her....thanx
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Old 05-21-2007, 03:45 PM
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Hey patouli,
I know what you're going through. I have my granddaughter and her mother living wtih me. Mother doesn't have a car. It has been a very hard road for us all.
But, I could not bear to see my granddaughter suffer. That's just the way us gp's are!!
I know it's hard. I did set a few boundaries for myself that I have to stick to, or I will be exhausted and unable to work during the day.
Because I am the only one who drives (right now) I refuse to drive all over the place.
Grocery visits are once a week period except convenience store milk.Things like that make me able to do this.
I am thankful that your daughter is sober now. Learning to be an adult is her next step!
Take care, and peace to you.
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Old 05-21-2007, 06:11 PM
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Patch, I felt the same way about my AD when she came home to live with me. She was clean, but her behaviors were a lot of the same. She seemed dysfunctional even when she wasn't on drugs. It was hard to tell if she was or wasn't. How long does it take for them to change all of the old behaviors?
Sounds like you two are doing okay. Keeping you in thought and prayer.

Lo
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