oneeyeopen

Well, I had a serious hissy-fit, rage-seizure last night. I mean a serious crazy melt-down.

I STUPIDLY agreed to go with abf to a bar. He manipulates me into this occasionally with the excuse that if I am with him he will only have a few beers and then come back home with me. He says he is safe with me and won't go do drugs...HA.

and, fact is, I like to be with him, and that strokes my codie ego, gosh, aren't I important to this person...

normally it goes this way -- he gets his few drinks, I sit there biding my time and then around ten I say "time to go" he gets irritated and refuses to leave and I go home and ... maybe, maybe, one time in twenty he actually turns back up at my place during the night.

So the usual happens, I say I want to go, he agrees to just finish up his beer, but then orders another. I go ballistic, I was just sosososososos angry, first I picked up his beer, walked outside and dumped it out. I did this because I just had the most unbelievable urge to chuck the thing on him and I didn't want to. so then he goes to order another (WHY DIDN'T I JUST LEAVE????) at this point I am already sitting there at the table sobbing, so that beer arrives and I just go mentally-ill and pick it up and throw it accross the room, then pick up my glass of water and throw that too, then stand up and try to grab some other people's drinks, and then finally leave.

Luckily no one was hurt...

but then it got worse, I had a total breakdown, cried and cried, screamed and yelled, begged him to come home with me, sat on wet pavement outside the bar waiting for him to come out, lay down in a muddy parking lot, chased him into an ally and over some construction junk, smacked my head against a car, and just screamed and screamed, real, primal, screams. I lay down in my car's front seat and kicked the door so hard it bent it, I sobbed and begged god to make this all stop.

pain, frustration, anger, fear,

or, as my therapist says, extreme behavior because of an extreme situation.

the whole time it was like I was trapped in this crazy woman and I just couldn't get myself to the surface (rather like how the abf describes himself when he is craving drugs and gets ready to go do them) and I couldn't make myself stop and I couldn't listen to my inner voice saying "just get in the car and go home, just stop this nonsense, beating yourself up is not going to make him stop drinking or using, YOU CAN NOT FIX THIS...GET OVER IT, ACCEPT THAT, NOTHING YOU DO IS GOING TO MAKE HIM STOP."

god, I hate myself for this kind of behavior, it boils to the surface every couple of months and I just freak out and then I just feel stupid and embarrassed and humiliated and rotten.

here is a piece of black comedy shoved into the whole scenario -- abf says to me "the manager says you are never to go back there again." like this is some sort of punishment I should be upset about. Cripes, I don't want to be there!!! I almost thought I should go to every bar in town and make a ruckus and get myself banned. He also said to abf "well, this happens when people drink." and here I hadn't had a drop. and then charged him 150 bucks for the damage (total rip-off, I did not do damage except for breaking two glasses) then abf gets pissed at me since he spent all his money and I am thinking "you would have spent it on drugs anyway so what difference does it make"

uck, what a mess. I finally went home, bedraggled and sobbing, sat in the shower for a while, went to bed and guess who calls at 3:45 and is waiting at my back door to see if he can come in....Sober though, didn't do drugs (he didn't say he didn't want to, just that he didn't have the money).

I took him home to his place this afternoon.

ugh, I hate myself for this. I can't figure out why this is all welling up in me during this week. this is the second melt-down of the week, and after a month of doing really, really, well, and even going through pms without incident. so what gives???

I am so glad I have this forum to write to because I really do not have anyone I can tell the whole truth to. it is such a relief to get these thoughts and stories out of my head.

thanks gang.

jeepgirl

oeo,
I can relate to your total meltdown, although it has been a while. It is the frustration of not having control over a situation. Sometimes we need the release of just yelling our heads off. I used to have to pull to the side of the road to have a good yell. I did it alone, and it was needed at the time.
I got to a point where I realized I HAD to make a change. It has nothing to do with my AD, I just couldnt go on as I was. So, I dug into meetings, therapy, work. I still pine for my daughter who is out G*d knows where, but continue to focus on myself, and am a we bit better. BIG HUG
jeepgirl

havehope

(((oneeyeopen)))
I have had a similar experience in trying to deal with my RAD.
I think that was my wake-up call (or my bottom), that I could not go on living like this.
I had to change my ways regardless of what my daughter was doing. In fact, she was actually controlling my life without me realizing it.
I made a change after my breakdown, and handed her situation over to my HP.
It hasn't solved all of my problems, but has made my life easier.
Just telling you from my own experience.
HUGS to you
Terri

marle

I remember last spring going with my daughter down to her college. I promised myself that I would not lose it with her. But I found myself just screaming at her. I actually put my fingers in my ears and yelled and yelled like a mad woman. She just sat there like nothing was happening. She knew that I could not stop her from using drugs and she was so calm it just made me madder than hell. I then repeated the behavior a few months later with her abf's 10 year old daughter in the back of the car. That is when I knew that being with her for more than a few minutes was not going to work. I could not control myself and yet I thought that I could control her. What a joke. I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but it might be what you need to finally reach your bottom and say enough is enough. Hugs, Marle

Wascally Wabbit

Its absolutely amazing how we get every bit as sick if not worse than the addict.
Yes indeed, thank heaven for this forum too. Otherwise there would be nothing left of me but teeth, hair and eyeballs.

I have an alcoholic mother.
Childrens father=alchohlic
2nd marriage, he was a drug addict.
Oldest son, a drug addict.
I am suprised, really, that I have a voice left.

BigSis

(((honey))))

A lot of what you did sounds like some of the things I did when I was doing "self harm" (cutting, smashing my head into stuff). The pain itself releases endorphins... we do some of this stuff because in some weird way, it makes us feel better.

There... does that make you feel a "little" less crazy? I hope so. I know until I found that out, I thought I was just bananas... entirely.

The acting out and crying and screaming and histrionics are also a way to distract him from HIS plan... one of going back in and drinking. It worked, at least a little. That is another reason we do it.

But today you pay the price. You hurt. Your throat hurts. There may be damage to your body and to your car. And to your self esteem and pride.

As I get healthier and attend more Alanon meetings and talk to more women who are just like me..... I feel a hell of a lot LESS crazy. And once I know I am not so crazy, I realize I DO have the ability to pick this up and do it a different way.

(((Oneeyeopen))))

lookingin2you

I read your post thinking that could have been me.

The night before Easter I was in a rage at my ah and threw an entire pot of boiled eggs...which amounted to more work for me because I had to boil a whole new set (thankfully ah cleaned up the actual mess).

If I reach back in my memory it isn't the only thing I have thrown or broken.

I wish I had some great words of advice for you, but I'm not there yet. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

venusinlibra

Going to Alanon can really help give you the support you need. Also, an outlet to speak to others who may be experiencing the same problems. It sounds like his behaviour brings up abandonment issues for you, you just have to realize you are an important person, and not allow a man to make you feel like you are less.

teke

i've done stuff like that too, so you are not the only one who has ever had one or two of those meltdowns. don't beat yourself up. the next time he asks you to go anywhere like that, do what you can to play the tape out, you said it yourself, it ususally happens that way. keeping you and him in my prayers