needing encouragement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
needing encouragement
Hey all,
I'd like to give my situation and if anyone has been where I am please respond. I really need some positive words right now.
I have given the okay for separation papers to be served next week. This is the 2nd time I've done this. The first time I told my A and he convinced me not to do it. He said it would get really ugly, I should give him some time, he would pay whatever I needed for the kids, etc., etc. Things did improve-he was living at home for the past 3 months, going to AA every day and seemed to be getting back to normal.
A has been relapsing, got a new job and is moving into an apartment about 4 hours from me. His parents are 6 hours the opposite direction so he's on his own. Not a great idea for an addict that is prone to loneliness and depression. But anyways,
talked to him last week, things were bad so I called my lawyer and had papers set up AGAIN. I wish it didn't take so long to get that stuff done through the courts because by the time the papers are ready my A is sober and I question whether I should do it! I hate this roller coaster I'm on. Just received beautiful flowers for mothers day and a phone call telling me how much he misses and loves me and wishes he could be with me on this day. It just breaks my heart. So of course, now I'm wavering on the separation. I've been angry with him because he came to visit and was drunk the whole weekend and he tells me that relapse is part of recovery and he's going to slip once in awhile, he didn't have to go to the hospital this time, and on and on. I know relapse is common during recovery so am I making too big of a deal over this?
I'm 32 years old with 2 children and I don't want a life like this. If he can stay sober then great...we might be able to get things back. But if this keeps up, I want a chance at a happy life. I don't want to live this way for the next 10 years and be pissed at myself. I just don't know. I'm scared if we don't separate that he could ruin me financially. I need to provide a life for my kids and what if he drinks and drives and hurts someone and we get sued or what if... what if.... the list goes on.
Thanks for listening. You all are a tremendous source of support.
PN
I'd like to give my situation and if anyone has been where I am please respond. I really need some positive words right now.
I have given the okay for separation papers to be served next week. This is the 2nd time I've done this. The first time I told my A and he convinced me not to do it. He said it would get really ugly, I should give him some time, he would pay whatever I needed for the kids, etc., etc. Things did improve-he was living at home for the past 3 months, going to AA every day and seemed to be getting back to normal.
A has been relapsing, got a new job and is moving into an apartment about 4 hours from me. His parents are 6 hours the opposite direction so he's on his own. Not a great idea for an addict that is prone to loneliness and depression. But anyways,
talked to him last week, things were bad so I called my lawyer and had papers set up AGAIN. I wish it didn't take so long to get that stuff done through the courts because by the time the papers are ready my A is sober and I question whether I should do it! I hate this roller coaster I'm on. Just received beautiful flowers for mothers day and a phone call telling me how much he misses and loves me and wishes he could be with me on this day. It just breaks my heart. So of course, now I'm wavering on the separation. I've been angry with him because he came to visit and was drunk the whole weekend and he tells me that relapse is part of recovery and he's going to slip once in awhile, he didn't have to go to the hospital this time, and on and on. I know relapse is common during recovery so am I making too big of a deal over this?
I'm 32 years old with 2 children and I don't want a life like this. If he can stay sober then great...we might be able to get things back. But if this keeps up, I want a chance at a happy life. I don't want to live this way for the next 10 years and be pissed at myself. I just don't know. I'm scared if we don't separate that he could ruin me financially. I need to provide a life for my kids and what if he drinks and drives and hurts someone and we get sued or what if... what if.... the list goes on.
Thanks for listening. You all are a tremendous source of support.
PN
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Paige, you are giving yourself
the best advice you can. In your post you said "I don't want a life like this." I think you have come to realize that if you stay with him, it will most likely always be "a life like this". If that isn't what you want, then stand firm in your choice. Will it be easy? No. Will you doubt your decision from time to time? Yes. That is all part of making a decision like this. But I can promise you one thing. Without him in your life on a constant basis, things will be a lot calmer and much more sane.
Big hugs to you, I know what you're doing is hard. And a Happy Mother's Day to you as well.
Peace,
Gabe
Big hugs to you, I know what you're doing is hard. And a Happy Mother's Day to you as well.
Peace,
Gabe
a work in progress
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 54
(((((((((((((Paige))))))))))))
I just wanted you to know I've been there too. You sound like you've made your decision, but when things get tough and we find ourselves wavering it's like our A's sense this and turn on the charm. Then we start second guessing ourselves... thinking... oh... see... I knew that sweet man I fell in love with was there all along. Maybe this time it'll be alright, maybe he's sincere, maybe he can change.... whooaaaaaa. Yeah he can change, back and forth as often as he pleases. It's not right for him to treat you that way. Focus on you and the kids, make a better life for yourself. I know it's not easy to raise kids on your own, I'm 31 and have 3, I have my bad days and my good days, but I find it easier without having to deal with the stress and tension of having my ex in my life.
Sending lots of hugs and support your way,
Mysty
I just wanted you to know I've been there too. You sound like you've made your decision, but when things get tough and we find ourselves wavering it's like our A's sense this and turn on the charm. Then we start second guessing ourselves... thinking... oh... see... I knew that sweet man I fell in love with was there all along. Maybe this time it'll be alright, maybe he's sincere, maybe he can change.... whooaaaaaa. Yeah he can change, back and forth as often as he pleases. It's not right for him to treat you that way. Focus on you and the kids, make a better life for yourself. I know it's not easy to raise kids on your own, I'm 31 and have 3, I have my bad days and my good days, but I find it easier without having to deal with the stress and tension of having my ex in my life.
Sending lots of hugs and support your way,
Mysty
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((((((Page))))))
May you have a wonderious Mother's Day!
Now comes some questions that help me know where I need to go and what I need to do:
How much is my sanity worth?
How much is my serenity worth?
Why I do I run back to the pain I know rather than to the future I don't know?
How much of you are willing to give up to be loved by him?
Just a few of the questions alot of us have asked ourselves since coming into a 12 step program of recovery...Sometimes their hard to anwser and sometimes the answers are real clear...ONLY you can anwser them....DO be kind and gentle with yourself.
Love and prayers from someone who cares.....
Now comes some questions that help me know where I need to go and what I need to do:
How much is my sanity worth?
How much is my serenity worth?
Why I do I run back to the pain I know rather than to the future I don't know?
How much of you are willing to give up to be loved by him?
Just a few of the questions alot of us have asked ourselves since coming into a 12 step program of recovery...Sometimes their hard to anwser and sometimes the answers are real clear...ONLY you can anwser them....DO be kind and gentle with yourself.
Love and prayers from someone who cares.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Paige.
Dino and I aren't married. There are no children in the picture. However I, like you, got to the place where I couldn't deal with the "almost got it's" any more. He has lived away from here for two years and during that time "almost got it" a number of times. Now he seems to have got it. If I had encouraged him to stay around here while he was working on it I'd be bankrupt. During the time he was gone we were always in touch and friendly, but the way his ups and downs could affect me was limited, and mainly emotional.
A separation isn't giving up on him. It's a way of giving yourself some security while he's getting his act together... if he does. Please don't feel like it's something you're doing TO him. It's something you're doing FOR yourself. If the love is there now, it will be there when he's sober. There's no reason for you to ride the roller coaster with him.
Hugs,
Smoke
Dino and I aren't married. There are no children in the picture. However I, like you, got to the place where I couldn't deal with the "almost got it's" any more. He has lived away from here for two years and during that time "almost got it" a number of times. Now he seems to have got it. If I had encouraged him to stay around here while he was working on it I'd be bankrupt. During the time he was gone we were always in touch and friendly, but the way his ups and downs could affect me was limited, and mainly emotional.
A separation isn't giving up on him. It's a way of giving yourself some security while he's getting his act together... if he does. Please don't feel like it's something you're doing TO him. It's something you're doing FOR yourself. If the love is there now, it will be there when he's sober. There's no reason for you to ride the roller coaster with him.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
When you have truly made a decision to leave the follow through will be much easier for you. Then anything he says/threatens won't matter. They play a hooking game and they know how to hook us back, it's pretty insidious and confusing. Without them around life is alot calmer and saner. You wanting to seperate is you taking care of you. Waiting for him to do anything is a losing thing for you it only drags you down and eats away your self-esteem. If you leave and he gets himself together great, but if he doesn't at least you'll have started a new life for yourself.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
I'm pretty much at the same point. The lawyer is currently working on the separation papers.
I too feel the pull of the words "I love you". And, in my case, I know the words are sincere, he does indeed love me.
But if the only way to separate myself from those beer cans is to separate from him too, then so be it. He made that choice, not me.
Today I opened the door of his car and made a mental photo of the cases of empty cans tossed all over the floor and backseat. One case per day.
Next time I see the face saying "I love you" and get doubts, I will simply remember the image of those cans. That's what I separating myself from.
Do I love my A? You bet. With all my heart. Always will. He's a good man with a bad problem.
Follow your inner voice.
I too feel the pull of the words "I love you". And, in my case, I know the words are sincere, he does indeed love me.
But if the only way to separate myself from those beer cans is to separate from him too, then so be it. He made that choice, not me.
Today I opened the door of his car and made a mental photo of the cases of empty cans tossed all over the floor and backseat. One case per day.
Next time I see the face saying "I love you" and get doubts, I will simply remember the image of those cans. That's what I separating myself from.
Do I love my A? You bet. With all my heart. Always will. He's a good man with a bad problem.
Follow your inner voice.
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