Mavis

I couldn't help it. I went over to the house to to see AH and pick up child support after dropping my Son off at Grandma's house. He was CLEARLY on something. We spoke for a while on things around the home and how our Son was doing ect ect..
Then he has the nerve to tell me how HARD he is working on his recovery and how "I" am wrecking the family. He tells me he's been sober for 3 month's and how "I" have trust issues! It all came back to me, all of the prior years of him telling me he was not using and that "I" was crazy. All of the manipulation smaked me in the face and I was no longer going to sit there and take the abuse!

I lost it. Broke it to tears and decided enough is enough! I shouted so loud the cat ran out of the room! I shouted for my pain. I shouted for my Son's pain. I shouted how HE has MY home! I yelled how everything in this home was renovated by ME!!
I pounded my fist's on the table and shouted "AND YOU NEVER ONCE HELPED ME WITH PAINTING, PLASTERING, HAMMERING, TYLING, PLANTING, CLEANING, GARDENING, TARING DOWN THE ROTTED DECK, COOKING, VACCUMMING, MOWING THE LAWN, WEEDING, AND GO* DAMMIT YOU TOOK MY HOME BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT! YOU TOOK YOUR SON'S HOME!
I screemed how he took MY family! I shouted for all of the hurt I have had for 7 years and how dare he look at me and call "ME" crazy!
I took the measily $150 dollars on the table for child support and threw it at him. I told him with the most stern and steady eye's "how dare you rip the very foundation of our family LIVE in MY home, give me NEXT TO NOTHING for child support to raise our child and then LIE TO ME AGAIN!!!

I left the house with dignity and respect for myself knowing that I am NOT crazy. I will NOT live like that! I wish so badly that things were different, but they are not. I mourn my family. I cry for my future being flushed down the can. My chest hurts. My Head hurts. I WANT MY HUSBAND !!!
My feelings have been up and down so much these past few weeks and I feel horrible for not posting as often as I should for all of you. I know everyone shares the same pain I do, but my words of wisdom arn't there. Please forgive me..

Thanks. I needed to get that out.

More deep breath's.

teke

i'm so sorry, go ahead and get it all out, you do sound strong, and i'm praying that you feel better soon. i know it hurts i've been there and done that. maybe its time for you to do something that you've always wanted to do and haven't yet. keeping all of you in my prayers

greeteachday

((((((Mavis)))))))
I'm so sorry...but you know what? I think it was probably very healing for you to get that all out. It is only by getting past the anger that we can move on. I can relate to explosive anger...I recall having it, not at my daughter, but at a doctor treating her....it was all for the same reason...doesn't really matter who it was directed at. It left me shaking and scared...but in truth, it helped me to move forward.

Please don't even think about not "being here" for others. No matter what, each of us must think primarily about our own recovery. You may think that sharing your sorrow isn't helping someone else, but it is, Mavis. It helps to know we aren't alone...it helps to know that we all have feelings we may not want to have. It helps when you relate that you love yourself enough not to accept what your AH is doing.

Hugs and prayers.

rozied

Dear Mavis, I read your post. It brought bk so many long ago memories. My heart hurts for you as many yrs ago I had to end my 1st marriage due to Compulsive Gambling. I had 2 sons & gave this man? 10 yrs of my life to no avail.
Let me share this. After 10 yrs of marriage & many separtations I moved on with my life. After 10 yrs alone with my boys I met & married my present husband. I had thought I could never love anyone more than I loved my ex but boy was I ever wrong. Mr Rozied & I will be married 23 yrs this Nov & I love him more everyday.
Last wk my ex called me after 27+ yrs of absolutely no contact. He said he wanted to touch base etc tc etc. He told me he went from gambling to drugs, had been in & out of jail his whole life & now at age 62 had been clean & sober for 41/2 yrs. He told me alot of other stuff too but the MAIN reason he called was for himself. He wanted to know if we had been married 10 yrs total as he did not have enough quarters in to collect SS & wanted to collect under my name. He said he asked them if it would hurt me & they told him no. I only wish him well but I have absolutely no feelings for him & it was like talking to a stranger.
I hope & pray things go well for you & your son. It was good u got out some of your anger, as Greet said it will help you move on.
Wishing you all good things,
Love,
Diane

tropikgal2

Mavis,
Even though he probably didn't "hear" a word you said, I know it was momentarily gratifying to release your anger like that. We all do it at one point or another. Now it is time to let the anger go and move on to the next stage of your life.
On the other hand, didnt' it just remind you of why you left his *ss in the first place?
((HUGS))

marle

Mavis, When I read your post, the thought came to me, "Wow, what a strong woman. Look at all the things that she accomplished to renovate that house." If you can do that, you can do anything. I know that you are hurting and I don't want to take away from that. You need time to grieve. But give yourself a big pat on the back for all of the things that you have done to make your and your child's life better. You can't change him and if he keeps on his path, his consequences will come. Take care of you. Hugs, Marle

Ann

And I thought us redheads had the market cornered for letting 'er rip!!

I understand your need to let that all out because I've been there and I was like a volcano erupting, all the anger from my whole life seemed to escape in one huge Mount St. Helen's blast. It felt wonderful but I scared myself a little, didn't know I had all that in me.

Recovery has taught me how to acknowledge anger, face it head on and let 'er rip when I need to, so that it doesn't get "stuffed" anymore.

Never be afraid or ashamed to share your anger or pain here, Mavis. That's what recovery is all about, one codie sharing with another. That way we don't turn into another Mount St. Helen's.

Hugs

lightseeker

Mavis -

I completely agree with everyone before me. It sounds like it was incredibly cathartic to get it all out. It made me feel better!! Those feelings stuffed inside only hurt you in the long run. You've done an incredible amount taking care of your family. It's important for us to take care of ourselves and you are taking steps to do that. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

Donna

Elana

Good for you. I did the same thing to my XABF but it was limited to Email.

In the end he sounded strangled.. he had nothing to respond with.. no new lie of the moment.

Anger helps you move on. It surely helped me. if I ever get sad, I go back to anger.
I did all the work on this house but it is also in my name. My XABF may be on the street soon.... and I could not think of a more fitting place for him to be. He helped paint.. a little... and helped put in two storm doors and two lights in the kitchen. I did the rest.. and had to hire some of it done.

thank GOD he did not have his name on any of it. He is looking at no money and no SS at age 62 or 65... and he is 52.

So, girl, you let it rip when you need to.

Mavis

Thank you all so much for your support. I have no idea what is happening to me or my feelings lately. 3 month's ago, I left the home with an "up" attitude and ready to move forward, go back to school, and take the time to figure myself out and be a better Mom.
Before I know it, I am sad. So sad. Almost as if "I" DO hold the key to the entire family's happiness and to give up and move back home. Seeing him and his manipulative attitude just made me so angry. I had held 7 year's of anger trying to be the better person and "not rock the boat". Tried so hard to make sure I was calm and responsible with my actions and before I knew it, I was yelling just how it is.

Why after 3 month's am I feeling this way? At first I thought that this was it! Move on girl! And now I wan't him clean so badly. Why do I wan't him this way? I know I'll never get it. I "feel" like if I just dig a little deeper into him, I can make him understand. But smart me know's it's a waist of time. So I shouted for my loss. hahah. (argh)

Everyone, have a beautiful weekend. I will try to do the same, and get my head out of where it's been stuck. Thank you again for all of the healing responses.

(((HUGS)))

Wascally Wabbit

Aw mavis, I am so sorry you are going through this. Leaving your home, garden and deck was what you had to do. You did the right thing and you will have a home again.
This happened to me too. When I divorced the kids father, he kept the home while I had to go to work, and live in a dumpy apt. He was the one with the big paying job. He was to give me 500.00 a mo for child support. I got all of 2 payments.
He wound up in prison for life just one year later, losing every single posession he/we had.
It was devestating at first, but when I looked back, living in peace in that dumpy apt, was the best thing that every happened to me. I no longer had to fear for my or my kids lives.
It will get better.

Jwife22

I've done it too. I think we all have the urge to let them know what is on our minds at some point. Maybe it doesn't accomplish anything but it sure feels good and maybe that one sentence gets into the heads and makes a home and won't leave. Maybe he will think about it until it eats at him. Maybe, just maybe.

I agree with what Marle said, I saw all those things you did to renovate that house and decided right then that you could do anything!

BigSis

(((Mavis))) I hope you can stay strong... you are making the right decision.


But dang, girl, next time throw the shoe at him and take the money!!




(((BigHugs))))

Mavis

LOL Big Sis your hilarious!

Looking back on this past week, anxiety has really taken over my thoughts. I have had such trouble sleeping.
I never had a Hp before I joined SR. I figured I pray for many other's, "why not me?" I asked my HP to help me deal with my anxiety. I asked him to give me a full night's sleep and to feel rested in the morning.

The next day, I found myself bawling out of no where in the bathroom. The day after that I was yelling and screeming it all out at AH. A couple more cry's here and there. I am healing. Slowly. That night, I woke up not sure of when it was I fell asleep. I'm sure it was around 11:00. I woke up with no headache, and my chest felt a little lighter.
I never expected my recovery to be like this.

rozied

Mavis, I know how you feel. Its like they r the ones who did wrong & now they have everything while you are left holding the bag so to speak. It was my ex who messed up not me yet here I was a single parent, living by myself with his 2 sons & then he tells me he is getting married. I remember so vividly him taking " my " sons to this beautiful wedding with a lovely reception & I sat in my car across the street watching & crying. Why I was crying now I don't know. I guess the same reasons you were so angry...........it seemed so unfair.
The marriage barely lasted a yr, both got hooked on drugs, while never paying me a penny of support. I think they were divorced right after that.
If you went bk to the home you shared with him what makes you think the family would be happy? It would be the same as before as he is still addicted.
I remember telling people I cried for what should have been.
Hang in there. Stay Strong. It really does get better.
Love,
Diane

Mavis

That's what I'm doing now Rozied.. just like you said. "Crying for what should have been". (((Thank you..)))