I'm hopeless
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I'm hopeless
I think I'm a hopeless cause. Some days I feel like giving up. The shame of what I'm about to tell you is overwhelming me.
Yesterday after work I had to go buy a birthday present for a friend's party last night and while I'm walking around the store I started crying. I didn't want to shop, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to go to that party, it was raining outside.
I finally get to my car and I called my parents and cancelled our dinner date.
I called my other friend that I was supposed to pick up and take to the party to cancel but no answer.
I went to a different store and sat in the parking lot and cried. Never made it inside.
I absolutely was in so much pain I thought I would not make it through this weekend.
And then I did it.....I went and saw him. I called first and he was sober.
I know I'm a hopeless and worthless cause for caving in.
As I drove away from the house, I felt like I could make it through the weekend because I had gotten my fix.
After the party and I was alone I felt sick. I am so ashamed that I caved in. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I have no excuses.
All I know to do is start from today. I feel so ashamed.
Yesterday after work I had to go buy a birthday present for a friend's party last night and while I'm walking around the store I started crying. I didn't want to shop, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to go to that party, it was raining outside.
I finally get to my car and I called my parents and cancelled our dinner date.
I called my other friend that I was supposed to pick up and take to the party to cancel but no answer.
I went to a different store and sat in the parking lot and cried. Never made it inside.
I absolutely was in so much pain I thought I would not make it through this weekend.
And then I did it.....I went and saw him. I called first and he was sober.
I know I'm a hopeless and worthless cause for caving in.
As I drove away from the house, I felt like I could make it through the weekend because I had gotten my fix.
After the party and I was alone I felt sick. I am so ashamed that I caved in. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I have no excuses.
All I know to do is start from today. I feel so ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I would be much more careful of the words that come out of your mouth about yourself. Facts are, you are not hopeless. You are not worthless. You are human and not perfect. Don't set your goals on perfection and don't be so damning of yourself.
I have a saying, "if you say it, I'll believe it". Your words are your prayers and your convictions. What you say, will come to pass. Do not validate negative feelings about yourself by saying them.
This morning the world is still spinning. This is a process.
You went to see him, in the big picture of life, it is not a big deal. Whoever said you have to hate him? Who ever said you coulld never talk to him. If he had been drunk, you would have left.
I have a saying, "if you say it, I'll believe it". Your words are your prayers and your convictions. What you say, will come to pass. Do not validate negative feelings about yourself by saying them.
This morning the world is still spinning. This is a process.
You went to see him, in the big picture of life, it is not a big deal. Whoever said you have to hate him? Who ever said you coulld never talk to him. If he had been drunk, you would have left.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
You got some cccccccccourage SISTA!!!!!
First question? Did you know you just admitted you are POWERLESS?!?!?!?
I can remember in the not so distant past, dropping EVERYTHING cause I simply didn't want to be anywhere but with him. As I mentioned, we lived a distance apart. Between work, and trying to take care of my own house, the only other thing I had time for was my A. And damn, I made sure he got his. Even at the expense of my family and friends. I can't tell you how many times I blew them off for him. You want to talk about ashamed? How bout missing your grandchildren's soccer, hockey, dance recitals? How bout blowing your daughters off and not talking/connecting with them for MONTHS!! And when I did, getting ANGRY because they spoke the truth. "Mom, what are you DOING!! You deserve so much better. He treats you like crap. He's USiNG you" Cold hard truths. I am remorseful and regrettful for what I put my family through
But, as you said, I got my ~fix~Felt like I had the hangover the next day though. swearing I would never do it again
I've said it before, us codie addiction doesn't come in a bottle. Instead its in the living, breathing form of another person. Much like the A, all we can do is "one day at a time" One foot in front of the other. If we "slip" or "relapse" we have to be kind to ourselves and get back on the horse. It doesn't mean to give up.
Where are you today? Do you have a plan?
I'm sure our "friends" will be right along to encourage and support you. Take you in their arms and tell you its OK
Peace
First question? Did you know you just admitted you are POWERLESS?!?!?!?
I can remember in the not so distant past, dropping EVERYTHING cause I simply didn't want to be anywhere but with him. As I mentioned, we lived a distance apart. Between work, and trying to take care of my own house, the only other thing I had time for was my A. And damn, I made sure he got his. Even at the expense of my family and friends. I can't tell you how many times I blew them off for him. You want to talk about ashamed? How bout missing your grandchildren's soccer, hockey, dance recitals? How bout blowing your daughters off and not talking/connecting with them for MONTHS!! And when I did, getting ANGRY because they spoke the truth. "Mom, what are you DOING!! You deserve so much better. He treats you like crap. He's USiNG you" Cold hard truths. I am remorseful and regrettful for what I put my family through
But, as you said, I got my ~fix~Felt like I had the hangover the next day though. swearing I would never do it again
I've said it before, us codie addiction doesn't come in a bottle. Instead its in the living, breathing form of another person. Much like the A, all we can do is "one day at a time" One foot in front of the other. If we "slip" or "relapse" we have to be kind to ourselves and get back on the horse. It doesn't mean to give up.
Where are you today? Do you have a plan?
I'm sure our "friends" will be right along to encourage and support you. Take you in their arms and tell you its OK
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
It's OK, Chero. Start again. Relationship addictions are hard to break. I am dealing with this right now. You are right when you say you had to get your "fix", that is exactly what it is. It is a compulsion that drives us. I am recovering alcoholic and now I am a recovering codependant as well. My therapist has told me that I need to work the steps in this the same way I did with alcohol. You are in recovery and you "relapsed". So what are you going to do the next time that compulsion hits. Make a plan. You can do this. Replace the shame with determination and a new plan.
I woke up today and wanted to call my husband (he is out of town). I thought it through and realized that calling wouldn't help me feel better, only worse. I decided to get online instead. Until that hole inside is fillled by me there is nothing I can get from calling him that will make me feel better. I am tired of living an "if only" kind of life and grasping at the crumbs of hope that appear from time to time. Maybe things will change with my husband, and maybe things will change with yours, it is up to them. Right now, learn to take care of you. Learn what it is that drives that need to see, hear, talk to him. Work on your self. Care for yourself. Sooth yourself, and let others help, when you get to that desparate, "I need a fix" place.
You are not hopeless. You are human. Replace the shame with new determination. You are young in recovery and you are learning. Don't beat yourself up too much. Learn from your mistakes.
(((Hugs)))
Love,
K
I woke up today and wanted to call my husband (he is out of town). I thought it through and realized that calling wouldn't help me feel better, only worse. I decided to get online instead. Until that hole inside is fillled by me there is nothing I can get from calling him that will make me feel better. I am tired of living an "if only" kind of life and grasping at the crumbs of hope that appear from time to time. Maybe things will change with my husband, and maybe things will change with yours, it is up to them. Right now, learn to take care of you. Learn what it is that drives that need to see, hear, talk to him. Work on your self. Care for yourself. Sooth yourself, and let others help, when you get to that desparate, "I need a fix" place.
You are not hopeless. You are human. Replace the shame with new determination. You are young in recovery and you are learning. Don't beat yourself up too much. Learn from your mistakes.
(((Hugs)))
Love,
K
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Mallowcup has some excellent words, Chero. First - stop beating up on yourself. What you did was exactly what most of us who have been in abusive situations have done.... tested the waters one more time.
Like the alocoholic who experiments and is able to have "only one" drink... is the alcoholic "cured"? ... not usually.
What "testing" does for me, is gives me an experiential reinforcement of my original decision. While drinking, that "bad experience" that I was wondering about eventually happened.... after a few times, I could not have "only one"... soon it was two, then three, then 12.
That same pattern is likely to repeat itself in this case. Being able to "just talk"... "spend the afternoon"... "spend just the one night".... until the TWELVE hits.... the day you are both so comfortable with one another, that he thinks you've gone back to the way you were and the controlling, and emotional abuse and physical abuse begin again.
AAers tell me every time they go back out, it is harder to come back in again. I believe that is true here, as well. Once you go back to him, he is on alert... just as I wasn't able to get away so easily after the first time, I expect you will have more difficulty, too.
You are still in a place to stop this, but it has to be with all your full facilities.... so you might consider that you need to accept what you did, stop feeling guilt and remorse and get busy on living well on your own.
It isn't easy... for me, the chaos of abuse was a way of hiding from my own responsibilities in the world. I clearly remember after Mr. Big and I had divorced and were apart a couple months, I was walking around just cranky as a wet hen. My (divorced) coworker smiled at me and said, "oh, you lost your scapegoat". Bingo! Suddenly not EVERYTHING was his fault. Huh. That took getting used to.
I wish you well.
(((Hugs)))
Like the alocoholic who experiments and is able to have "only one" drink... is the alcoholic "cured"? ... not usually.
What "testing" does for me, is gives me an experiential reinforcement of my original decision. While drinking, that "bad experience" that I was wondering about eventually happened.... after a few times, I could not have "only one"... soon it was two, then three, then 12.
That same pattern is likely to repeat itself in this case. Being able to "just talk"... "spend the afternoon"... "spend just the one night".... until the TWELVE hits.... the day you are both so comfortable with one another, that he thinks you've gone back to the way you were and the controlling, and emotional abuse and physical abuse begin again.
AAers tell me every time they go back out, it is harder to come back in again. I believe that is true here, as well. Once you go back to him, he is on alert... just as I wasn't able to get away so easily after the first time, I expect you will have more difficulty, too.
You are still in a place to stop this, but it has to be with all your full facilities.... so you might consider that you need to accept what you did, stop feeling guilt and remorse and get busy on living well on your own.
It isn't easy... for me, the chaos of abuse was a way of hiding from my own responsibilities in the world. I clearly remember after Mr. Big and I had divorced and were apart a couple months, I was walking around just cranky as a wet hen. My (divorced) coworker smiled at me and said, "oh, you lost your scapegoat". Bingo! Suddenly not EVERYTHING was his fault. Huh. That took getting used to.
I wish you well.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
chero, why are you being so hard on yourself? You are not hopeless!!!!!!!!!!
It's so difficult we all get that. No one is here to judge you. I can't tell you how many times I went back for more... I understand the not wanting to be anywhere but with him and then I was with him I was miserable and I didn't want to be there either.
You caved.. so what..big deal... it doesn't mean you are a lost cause.
Letting go is much more difficult than expected. I feel the need to check up on AH all the time. I fight with myself daily. I have caved myself a few times.
Step back for a minute and look at where you are and where you were. You have made progress.
Take care
It's so difficult we all get that. No one is here to judge you. I can't tell you how many times I went back for more... I understand the not wanting to be anywhere but with him and then I was with him I was miserable and I didn't want to be there either.
You caved.. so what..big deal... it doesn't mean you are a lost cause.
Letting go is much more difficult than expected. I feel the need to check up on AH all the time. I fight with myself daily. I have caved myself a few times.
Step back for a minute and look at where you are and where you were. You have made progress.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
chero, don't beat yourself up! if you knew how many times i (or the others here) have caved, you'd be embarrassed for us too!
i can say that it does get easier. at first, i wanted to call or see my A all the time after we broke up. even though our last phone call involved her swearing at me, even if she hung up on me, even if we were fighting or talking about something i really didn't want to talk about. even if she was drinking, i still called back, sometimes again and again.
but, i can tell you that i've made a lot of progress. i'm not as needy or as clingy as i used to be, and this is from someone who believed, more than once, that my body physically wouldn't be able to make it through the weekend, or even through the day. i was absolutely devastated, and i didn't think i could live without seeing her or talking to her.
like socalgal said, you relapsed. so start over! don't beat yourself up, just try not to do it again next time. you might, who knows, practice takes perfect -- but i know, from experience, that if you give it time, it becomes a lot easier to resist the temptation.
i can say that it does get easier. at first, i wanted to call or see my A all the time after we broke up. even though our last phone call involved her swearing at me, even if she hung up on me, even if we were fighting or talking about something i really didn't want to talk about. even if she was drinking, i still called back, sometimes again and again.
but, i can tell you that i've made a lot of progress. i'm not as needy or as clingy as i used to be, and this is from someone who believed, more than once, that my body physically wouldn't be able to make it through the weekend, or even through the day. i was absolutely devastated, and i didn't think i could live without seeing her or talking to her.
like socalgal said, you relapsed. so start over! don't beat yourself up, just try not to do it again next time. you might, who knows, practice takes perfect -- but i know, from experience, that if you give it time, it becomes a lot easier to resist the temptation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You are not hopeless, you are addicted. And the more you keep telling yourself you are hopeless, worthless, can't change, etc, the more pull your addiction will have on you. So start telling yourself you are beautiful, strong, worthy, deserve happiness, etc. Even if you don't really believe it, if you tell it to yourself enough times, you will. And you must replace the behaviors that fuel your addiction with behaviors that fuel your recovery. I like walking, reading, going to concerts and plays, bargain hunting at thrift stores, decorating my house, riding my bike, and listening to music (only songs that don't remind me of him, LOL)
Have you checked into counseling? I has done wonders for me.
((((()))))
L
Have you checked into counseling? I has done wonders for me.
((((()))))
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle, wa
Posts: 118
Honey so are soooooo normal!~ We all go through what you are/did/will. It's all part of the process. Its your jounrey, it will happen as it will. Please dont beat yourself about the journey. It will have hill and flat spots. Just find the flowers along the way. YOU AREA A WONDERFUL PERSON!~ And if you recycle some then you are still human! It's ok in everyway!!!!
Keep your face up! head held high! And look forward!!!!!
Love and ****{HUGS}}}}
Keep your face up! head held high! And look forward!!!!!
Love and ****{HUGS}}}}
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by BigSis 
That same pattern is likely to repeat itself in this case. Being able to "just talk"... "spend the afternoon"... "spend just the one night".... until the TWELVE hits.... the day you are both so comfortable with one another, that he thinks you've gone back to the way you were and the controlling, and emotional abuse and physical abuse begin again.
The meeting went fine. I really don't think he has been drinking but for whatever that is worth. I just couldn't believe how much better I felt afterwards and worse later--like I needed another fix.
Neither of us have made contact today and I'm relieved.
I haven't told any of my friends here that I saw him--just you guys. I feel like if I tell them then...I don't know, like it makes this past week a waste.
I start counselling next week. Not soon enough, I'm afraid.
Lateeda, You said to replace the behaviors that fuel my addiction with behaviors that fuel my recovery....like what? If I stay busy then I'm okay but in the evenings when things calm back down I get scared and sad.
It was so hard for me to admit what I did.
I just feel like a different person every day.
I guess I'm just going to try and focus on this moment right now......
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
You reading all this Sista!!!!
Hope you feel better
Love AND Peace
PS you know what I kept saying as I was living the nightmare, and has become my Mantra? I DID NOTHING WRONG. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect, but I DID NOTHING WRONG. Only what I knew best at the time, now I know better. Move past it k?
Hope you feel better
Love AND Peace
PS you know what I kept saying as I was living the nightmare, and has become my Mantra? I DID NOTHING WRONG. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not perfect, but I DID NOTHING WRONG. Only what I knew best at the time, now I know better. Move past it k?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Chero,
If you find evenings hard, find something to fill them. Go to meetings at night, go to dinner with friends, see a movie, post online, catch up on your reading...I find that my downtime is when I feel most vulnerable. Fill that emptiness with something other than your addiction.
Maybe if you did talk to your friends about seeing him and let them know about your needs they could help you comae up with some alternate plans for when you are feeling like you need that fix. I have a girlfriend who has told me to call her anytime I feel like calling my H. Trust your friends...believe it or not, most people will want to help you, work with you, if you let them in.
Take care,
K
If you find evenings hard, find something to fill them. Go to meetings at night, go to dinner with friends, see a movie, post online, catch up on your reading...I find that my downtime is when I feel most vulnerable. Fill that emptiness with something other than your addiction.
Maybe if you did talk to your friends about seeing him and let them know about your needs they could help you comae up with some alternate plans for when you are feeling like you need that fix. I have a girlfriend who has told me to call her anytime I feel like calling my H. Trust your friends...believe it or not, most people will want to help you, work with you, if you let them in.
Take care,
K
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
((chero)) .. i read your post and am still trying to find the shameful part ?
All I found was raw honesty and true human emotion .. nothing shameful in that !
We relapse just like they do , jump back on and I bet this time you will go longer before seeing him , if you go at all .
Dont be so hard on yourself , you are doing great !
All I found was raw honesty and true human emotion .. nothing shameful in that !
We relapse just like they do , jump back on and I bet this time you will go longer before seeing him , if you go at all .
Dont be so hard on yourself , you are doing great !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by chero
Lateeda, You said to replace the behaviors that fuel my addiction with behaviors that fuel my recovery....like what? If I stay busy then I'm okay but in the evenings when things calm back down I get scared and sad.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey there chero
you know what i am seeing? i am seeing growth. i think you learned some great things about yourself am i right? and my guess is that you actually felt worse about yourself after you saw him right? well, now, take that and use it as reinforcement. did it reinforce that you did the right thing? it is a process don't forget that. did you feel like you might have gotten more closure from this in any way?
think of it as mourning sweetheart, cause that is what you are doing. it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are and worse. there are four different stages to mourning. first there is denial, then anger, then sadness, then acceptance. you will feel that way for a while and then one day you will wake up and you will have had enough of the crying and tears and you will decide to move on. you will want to go out and do things again and you will want to talk to people again.
i'm so glad you are seeing a counselor. that will definitely help. yes you have lost the "dream" of what you thought things were going to be, but think of everything you have to gain in the reality. you have the chance at a happy life now chero!!!
think of it as mourning sweetheart, cause that is what you are doing. it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are and worse. there are four different stages to mourning. first there is denial, then anger, then sadness, then acceptance. you will feel that way for a while and then one day you will wake up and you will have had enough of the crying and tears and you will decide to move on. you will want to go out and do things again and you will want to talk to people again.
i'm so glad you are seeing a counselor. that will definitely help. yes you have lost the "dream" of what you thought things were going to be, but think of everything you have to gain in the reality. you have the chance at a happy life now chero!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Sometime you have to step in trap so you can see the crap
so you don't step in the trap anymore...
chalk it up as experince or a learning curve or your getting one step
closer to your freedom or goal...Stop beating up on yourself.
It ain't easy...other wise i wouldn't be here or been here asking for
help for years..now.
mmm..i do have a lot of ESH..ya know...lol
Oki doki...alot of experince...no strenght..but you all gave me hope..
there you go..move forward
so you don't step in the trap anymore...
chalk it up as experince or a learning curve or your getting one step
closer to your freedom or goal...Stop beating up on yourself.
It ain't easy...other wise i wouldn't be here or been here asking for
help for years..now.
mmm..i do have a lot of ESH..ya know...lol
Oki doki...alot of experince...no strenght..but you all gave me hope..
there you go..move forward
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Chero, been there, done that. Know all about it. After a 9 month separation, I let him come back. Boy oh boy did I learn my final lesson. But, I had to do what I had to do to get to where I am now. Be easy on yourself. We are here for you. Have you played any tennis?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
*** CHERO ***
Wow read all this lovely advice fellow SR friends are giving you. You are loved by us all! I struggle with loneliness especially at night. I have ALWAYS had a man in my life (sometimes more than one *shame on me*) I needed to be loved or at least 'wanted!'
Now I have started my own recovery from co-dependance as well as trying to be clean. I have cried for no reason, I have yelled for no reason, but they are all emotions that have to be released in order for us to recover.
when you get your 'fix' is it from just being in his company? finding out what he is doing? or trying to 'rescue' him. sorry I still dont fully understand co-dependancy
misslisa
Wow read all this lovely advice fellow SR friends are giving you. You are loved by us all! I struggle with loneliness especially at night. I have ALWAYS had a man in my life (sometimes more than one *shame on me*) I needed to be loved or at least 'wanted!'
Now I have started my own recovery from co-dependance as well as trying to be clean. I have cried for no reason, I have yelled for no reason, but they are all emotions that have to be released in order for us to recover.
when you get your 'fix' is it from just being in his company? finding out what he is doing? or trying to 'rescue' him. sorry I still dont fully understand co-dependancy
misslisa
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