Ground Hog Day
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Join Date: May 2007
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Ground Hog Day
Ok, these are thoughts I've had in the time with my A, but always in the "fog" of my codie disease. I think I'm having some "clarity" however, though still in the sorting stage. I'd appreciate anyone who has felt this to give me some insight. Or at least validate that I am "certifiable" whack-a-doo
Rememeber the movie Ground Hog Day? Where Bill Murray wakes up and the day is excatly the same as the day before. This goes on and on and on,,,
I've often thought, my A, is stuck in Ground Hog day. While the world moves forward, he stays stuck
In my recovery, the thing that has struck me, is, yes, I want out of the situation, yes, I want MY life back, I want to move forward. I think what prevents me from actually doing that, is the thought that I actually WILL.
I'm in the process of some BIG changes. A move, and a new job. The end of my relationship. And all I can think is, I have formed this boundry in the hopes my A will finally reach a bottom, clean himself up, work a program and maybe someday it can be a "we" again.
At the same time, I am moving forward. OMG, what IF I get to a place that I don't CARE to be a "we" again?!?!?!?
Projection is not good. But I can't help but think what these life chages mean for me. New friends, different environement, a job that is satisfying and rewarding. ALL good things for ME. Living in a "normie" world. Maybe even meeting someone who treats me the way I DESERVE to be treated?!?!? Holly moly, ya think?!?!?!
I almost want to yell at him to HURRY UP!! I'm not gonna be around forever.
SO, all around my A, life moves forward. He is stuck in Ground Hog day
Am I certifiable?
Rememeber the movie Ground Hog Day? Where Bill Murray wakes up and the day is excatly the same as the day before. This goes on and on and on,,,
I've often thought, my A, is stuck in Ground Hog day. While the world moves forward, he stays stuck
In my recovery, the thing that has struck me, is, yes, I want out of the situation, yes, I want MY life back, I want to move forward. I think what prevents me from actually doing that, is the thought that I actually WILL.
I'm in the process of some BIG changes. A move, and a new job. The end of my relationship. And all I can think is, I have formed this boundry in the hopes my A will finally reach a bottom, clean himself up, work a program and maybe someday it can be a "we" again.
At the same time, I am moving forward. OMG, what IF I get to a place that I don't CARE to be a "we" again?!?!?!?
Projection is not good. But I can't help but think what these life chages mean for me. New friends, different environement, a job that is satisfying and rewarding. ALL good things for ME. Living in a "normie" world. Maybe even meeting someone who treats me the way I DESERVE to be treated?!?!? Holly moly, ya think?!?!?!
I almost want to yell at him to HURRY UP!! I'm not gonna be around forever.
SO, all around my A, life moves forward. He is stuck in Ground Hog day
Am I certifiable?
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Certifiable? Hardly, that is such an interesting thought!
The key is not to get sucked into ground hog day with him!
I think you are doing great! Your insights help me so much!
What you are saying is, "OMG! What if I get my own life!?!?"
BRING IT ON, SISTA!
The key is not to get sucked into ground hog day with him!
I think you are doing great! Your insights help me so much!
What you are saying is, "OMG! What if I get my own life!?!?"
BRING IT ON, SISTA!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Actaully being single again was fun..once you get pass the roller coaster.
You actaully realize you were living alone anyways through all those years,
but it's much , much clearer. You actaully learn how to live with yourself
and have time to sort out yourself...now that you're not surrounded by
the other person's problems 24/7...You actaully can get a good night
and sleep for a change..Just with that alone..you began to function
better and heal. Little simple things you'll start noticing..like just doing
your own dish is so much easier..If you keep you place clean..it dosen't
become a mess too fast and just picking up after yourself only takes 5 mins.
Then you actaully put up a picture on the wall..A picture that you
really like. Then you start decorate your bed room to your liking.
Then you actaully crank up the radio and play your favrite song
and blast the heck out of it becuase you like it like that. Then
you come home from work oneday and wow..I'm not that hard to
live with and this it pretty cool and flick on your favrite TV show or movie.
Sometimes when friends come over..they trip and notice how clean
youre place is..and sometimes..they comment.." I wish, I was single again,
I'm going though this with my gf..and it sucks"lol
Then months later..your freinds, co-worker, boss..well comment..
"hey..there's something different about you..you look different,
you smiling alot these days...what did you do?"
Then oneday..a gal..(I'm gay) actaully smile back at ya..
You feel guilty at first for looking or smiling back at her..cuz you havn't
done it in so long. Then oneday i gal will actaully call you up and ask
you to have dinner with her. You feel guilty at first becuase you havn't done
that in so long..have dinner with another person beside your ex.
You feel like a little kid again. U think in your head " O oh..I hope this
one ain't like the last one"lmao..So you kind of take it easy.
It too shall pass..being single...So you actually debept or go through
a process of leting go of being single..lol Becuase after a while..you
get more than just one gal calling ya..You feel like a kid again...juggling,
you feel guilty at first for juggling..beucase you havn't done that it while.lol
You actaully realize you were living alone anyways through all those years,
but it's much , much clearer. You actaully learn how to live with yourself
and have time to sort out yourself...now that you're not surrounded by
the other person's problems 24/7...You actaully can get a good night
and sleep for a change..Just with that alone..you began to function
better and heal. Little simple things you'll start noticing..like just doing
your own dish is so much easier..If you keep you place clean..it dosen't
become a mess too fast and just picking up after yourself only takes 5 mins.
Then you actaully put up a picture on the wall..A picture that you
really like. Then you start decorate your bed room to your liking.
Then you actaully crank up the radio and play your favrite song
and blast the heck out of it becuase you like it like that. Then
you come home from work oneday and wow..I'm not that hard to
live with and this it pretty cool and flick on your favrite TV show or movie.
Sometimes when friends come over..they trip and notice how clean
youre place is..and sometimes..they comment.." I wish, I was single again,
I'm going though this with my gf..and it sucks"lol
Then months later..your freinds, co-worker, boss..well comment..
"hey..there's something different about you..you look different,
you smiling alot these days...what did you do?"
Then oneday..a gal..(I'm gay) actaully smile back at ya..
You feel guilty at first for looking or smiling back at her..cuz you havn't
done it in so long. Then oneday i gal will actaully call you up and ask
you to have dinner with her. You feel guilty at first becuase you havn't done
that in so long..have dinner with another person beside your ex.
You feel like a little kid again. U think in your head " O oh..I hope this
one ain't like the last one"lmao..So you kind of take it easy.
It too shall pass..being single...So you actually debept or go through
a process of leting go of being single..lol Becuase after a while..you
get more than just one gal calling ya..You feel like a kid again...juggling,
you feel guilty at first for juggling..beucase you havn't done that it while.lol
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
not certifiable....i have found myself with similar thoughts (shocking, i know....
) and hope that my A hurries up too....am coming to accept (not there yet) that perhaps we were not meant to be....if we are supposed to be together, he will get sober and it will happen eventually...in the meantime, there is life to be lived...i can't keep obsessing about him - which i am still doing - don't quite have a handle on how to stop that - keep coming here and keep reading my books and i hope to get a clue!
) and hope that my A hurries up too....am coming to accept (not there yet) that perhaps we were not meant to be....if we are supposed to be together, he will get sober and it will happen eventually...in the meantime, there is life to be lived...i can't keep obsessing about him - which i am still doing - don't quite have a handle on how to stop that - keep coming here and keep reading my books and i hope to get a clue!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Happily ever after...
Posts: 163
Certifiable.. noway. I think and feel the same. Mine is stuck, repeating the same thing over and over.
Don't dilly dally on your journey waiting for him to catch up.
Go forward full speed ahead.
Don't dilly dally on your journey waiting for him to catch up.
Go forward full speed ahead.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
the lesson I learn for being single..As much as I love my GF
I love myself a thousands time more...maybe you're getting a tasted
of it and wanting things to hurry up...
But ya know...I had to kick my GF out.
it was my Birthday and all she wanted to do was go gambling
and take her speed..She told me, that I didn't love her If I didn't take
her..so we fought and fought...That was a birthday gift I gave to
myself or the straw that broke the cammel's back.
I was angery enough to do it, beucase my guilt was stronge, very,very stronge.
She would never hurry...there's not such thing.
The ball was in my court and always was...
I love myself a thousands time more...maybe you're getting a tasted
of it and wanting things to hurry up...
But ya know...I had to kick my GF out.
it was my Birthday and all she wanted to do was go gambling
and take her speed..She told me, that I didn't love her If I didn't take
her..so we fought and fought...That was a birthday gift I gave to
myself or the straw that broke the cammel's back.
I was angery enough to do it, beucase my guilt was stronge, very,very stronge.
She would never hurry...there's not such thing.
The ball was in my court and always was...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I was exactly the same. So we can be certifiable together. As I regained a brighter life, it's true, I lost interest in maintaining a relationship with an alcoholic. My experience.
The great thing about the movie Groundhog Day is that ever so gradually Bill Murray's character begins to realize that manipulating his situation for his own pleasure, at the expense of other's, doesn't cut it. He's either going to join the compassionate or be left in the cold. I love that movie so much I could write a dissertation on it. But I'll spare you LOL!
The great thing about the movie Groundhog Day is that ever so gradually Bill Murray's character begins to realize that manipulating his situation for his own pleasure, at the expense of other's, doesn't cut it. He's either going to join the compassionate or be left in the cold. I love that movie so much I could write a dissertation on it. But I'll spare you LOL!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
I also feared that if I got healthy and started seeing things clearly, I might not want to be with him anymore. And guess what, that's what happened. He did get sober and he's not committing slow suicide anymore. But, even after he did, and we tried to reconcile, I found out he is still the same person with a lot of the same traits. Throughout our whole marriage (18 years) I was trying to change him into someone I wanted him to be. Once I learned that I couldn't do it, I had to accept him for who he is. And I didn't want to be married to him.
This is not to say he is a bad person. We are just not compatible. He does not possess the traits I want in a partner. And I spent nearly 20 years thinking if only he would see things my way, how happy we would be! Now I am facing my past and getting some clarity on why I made the choices I made, and it isn't very pretty. My thinking was skewed by my upbringing and role models and those are my problems to face regardless of him drinking or not.
Believe it or not, I am thankful that events unfolded as they did. Because if they had not, I may have lived my entire life trying to change another person to meet my needs, or trying to change myself to be someone I'm not. At least now, I have a shot at living what's left of my life happy.
I don't know if this makes any sense at all, or if you're in a place to hear it, but typing it out was good for me.
L
This is not to say he is a bad person. We are just not compatible. He does not possess the traits I want in a partner. And I spent nearly 20 years thinking if only he would see things my way, how happy we would be! Now I am facing my past and getting some clarity on why I made the choices I made, and it isn't very pretty. My thinking was skewed by my upbringing and role models and those are my problems to face regardless of him drinking or not.
Believe it or not, I am thankful that events unfolded as they did. Because if they had not, I may have lived my entire life trying to change another person to meet my needs, or trying to change myself to be someone I'm not. At least now, I have a shot at living what's left of my life happy.
I don't know if this makes any sense at all, or if you're in a place to hear it, but typing it out was good for me.
L
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 665
SaTIT, I can SO relate to what your talking about today. It's Saturday, and instead of doing my A's laundry, going to the "dreaded" (grocery store, I HATE that place on a sat), cleaning HIS house, cooking for him for the week, ect, I am in my OWN home "futzin". That's in my dictionary in case you were wondering. Definition?
To do all the things that are necessary in the day to day, but in your own time and place so the reward is the satisfaction
Weekends are tough for me. Not that I don't have enough futzin to keep me busy, but I am so discombobilated with the change. I feel a little "stuck" myself. Almost like the dog that keeps bugging ya. "I wanna go out, I wanna come in," I know I should continue with my futz, but I have moments I want to get in my car and drive to him so I can back into the routine of taking care. Good, I HATE being a codie!!!
Yup, I've had that experience. My staff at work is wondering what the hell happened to me, and when is the other shoe gonna drop?!?!?! LOL. Noone's said anything, but I can tell, they are SO happy to have me back and CONSCIOUS of the business at hand. It's become very clear to me, how much I had changed because of the relationship.
And the smiling back? Happened last night. Went to my meeting then to run some errands. While at the store, I ran into a guy who I knew but hadn't seen in a while. We got to talking, in fact carried the converesation out into the parking lot. Catchin up ya know? Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go out and continue our conversation, since we were BOTH getting SOAK in the rain,,lol. I was flabbergasted!!! Did my usual "codie" thing where all kinds of thoughts about my A went through my head, till ~BING~ lighbulb!! Why NOT!!!
We're meeting up tonite. Damn, always thought he was ~hot~ anyway,,he,he,he
KG, you ARE figuring out girl!!You said it in one sentance, ,"there's life to be lived"
I loved the movie too Denny. Lesson learned
Peace
To do all the things that are necessary in the day to day, but in your own time and place so the reward is the satisfaction
Weekends are tough for me. Not that I don't have enough futzin to keep me busy, but I am so discombobilated with the change. I feel a little "stuck" myself. Almost like the dog that keeps bugging ya. "I wanna go out, I wanna come in," I know I should continue with my futz, but I have moments I want to get in my car and drive to him so I can back into the routine of taking care. Good, I HATE being a codie!!!
you smiling alot these days...what did you do?"
Then oneday..a gal..(I'm gay) actaully smile back at ya..
Then oneday..a gal..(I'm gay) actaully smile back at ya..
And the smiling back? Happened last night. Went to my meeting then to run some errands. While at the store, I ran into a guy who I knew but hadn't seen in a while. We got to talking, in fact carried the converesation out into the parking lot. Catchin up ya know? Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go out and continue our conversation, since we were BOTH getting SOAK in the rain,,lol. I was flabbergasted!!! Did my usual "codie" thing where all kinds of thoughts about my A went through my head, till ~BING~ lighbulb!! Why NOT!!!
We're meeting up tonite. Damn, always thought he was ~hot~ anyway,,he,he,he
KG, you ARE figuring out girl!!You said it in one sentance, ,"there's life to be lived"
I loved the movie too Denny. Lesson learned
Peace
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I've been feeling the same all week. After 30 yrs together it is odd,but what else is there to do?! Ticks me off a bit for some reason,if the truth be told. 
I told him when he left that I was done playing this game and if things changed in the future and he wanted to talk about working things out, to give me a call and maybe we would...if I was interested.
I told him when he left that I was done playing this game and if things changed in the future and he wanted to talk about working things out, to give me a call and maybe we would...if I was interested.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Posts: 665
WOW Pick, 30 years?!?!?! Damn, I can't imagine. Some of you people here are so damn STRONG!!!
Ya, I know anger. I think, for me, its part of the grief of suffering the loss of what I THOUGHT was my future.
Do you think maybe our future has just begun?
Peace
After 30 yrs together it is odd,but what else is there to do?! Ticks me off a bit for some reason,if the truth be told.
Do you think maybe our future has just begun?
Peace
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
31 years! Alcohol came into the picture about 7 years ago. It's like a spider's web. Actually the ever so slow downward slide began about 20 years ago with depression and panic. Anyway that was then and this is now. You don't know how many times I have said what you posted, "I want my life back." It took a LONG time and a lot of hard knocks for me to realize that I really didn't want that life back. I needed a new life. Does that make sense? Congrats on your new job and the move.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I'm not so strong....he was the one that left and divorced me (although I did say he'd need recovery to move back home and then he filed) except we are still tied together in many ways. Since I wrote that he called and we are riding to a concert together (I'm meeting him and leaving my car). Our daughter's bf's band won a contest and is opening for Brooke Hogan locally tonight. It is a hard habit to break (for both of us,probably---we are 53y and been together for 30yrs and two children and all that goes with that).
Annoys me that it's come to this, but couldn't live like that anymore,either.
Glad you are all here holding my hand as I walk along!
Annoys me that it's come to this, but couldn't live like that anymore,either.
Glad you are all here holding my hand as I walk along!
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
CE - what i THOUGHT was my future....future just beginning...and LoveRoy - getting a NEW life...that just struck a chord with me.
CE - so excited for your "get together" tonight! go and have a BLAST - you deserve it.
i just started talking with someone - at first i thought i didn't want to just rush into anything new - but why the heck not! he is NORMAL! HA! might be good for me to see what that would be like!
CE - so excited for your "get together" tonight! go and have a BLAST - you deserve it.
i just started talking with someone - at first i thought i didn't want to just rush into anything new - but why the heck not! he is NORMAL! HA! might be good for me to see what that would be like!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by loveRoy 
31 years! Alcohol came into the picture about 7 years ago. It's like a spider's web. Actually the ever so slow downward slide began about 20 years ago with depression and panic. Anyway that was then and this is now. You don't know how many times I have said what you posted, "I want my life back." It took a LONG time and a lot of hard knocks for me to realize that I really didn't want that life back. I needed a new life. Does that make sense? Congrats on your new job and the move.
Sounds like what happened it our case,too.....and yes,it does make sense to me!
I want the new and improved version of my old life!
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Location: concord, nc
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Pick-a-name, I know what you mean. 31 years and 2 daughters. Talk about a spider's web. I too couldn't take it anymore. I got to the point where I didn't know who he was and detested the man he had become. For so many years anyone could take his word "straight to the bank." Now, he will lie about the sun rising in the east. Unbelievable how a person can change. The saddest part is all the precious moments he has missed with his girls. Can't dwell on that. Just have to be thankful that I have been there to enjoy those moments with them.
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Originally Posted by loveRoy
Pick-a-name, I know what you mean. 31 years and 2 daughters. Talk about a spider's web. I too couldn't take it anymore. I got to the point where I didn't know who he was and detested the man he had become. For so many years anyone could take his word "straight to the bank." Now, he will lie about the sun rising in the east. Unbelievable how a person can change. The saddest part is all the precious moments he has missed with his girls. Can't dwell on that. Just have to be thankful that I have been there to enjoy those moments with them.
Same here...I never thought I'd see the day he lied to me. Well,he does. (Ususally because he said he didn't want to hurt me which is often the truth....UNTIL I find out the truth AND the fact he tried to white-wash it!) UGH.... I look at him some days and think, ""who is this man and where did the 'real' one go.....bring him back!" I still can not believe it some days. And now that we do not live together, somedays he actually does almost seem like his old self until the next time....
Sad for the kids. Our 19yr old doesn't remember the "old hm" as much, but my son and I get twisted-up more often. I just want to yell: "get it together!" He acts younger now (in a bad way) then when I met him at 19yr!
((loveRoy))
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(((((PICKANAME))))) and (((((LOVEROY)))))
You know, we newbies are very fortunate to have the wisdom of your experience. And please take this from my heart, but I am SO glad I wasn't as "entangled" as you guys are with the "history"
What you have given me, is the ability to say, if they can do it, so can I!!!!
So, I stayed in Ground Hog Day for one day. I'm learning that I can forgive myself AND pick myself right back up. No contact since that fateful email. I really HATE that I lost my 10 day streak, but this time, I'm going for "one day" longer. Let's see how far I make it
Weekends are tough because of the change. Way EASIER because he has NO way of contacting me. When I'm at work, its easier for him. After my email yesterday, he wrote me 4 more. I had my ass't monitoring though and she deleted them. She also answered my phone. Said he called a few times, left a message and maybe a bunch more cause she had a lot of "hang ups". At least I made it through the day with no more communication.
I got a "hangover" though. No matter how busy I keep myself, I find myself thinking/obsessing about him. I wish I didn't write that email in the WORSE way now, cause I remember how good I felt on that tenth day.
Oh well, something to look forward too huh?
KG, I am going out with the "friend" tonite. But only on one condition. I told him, it was to "hang out" and NOT a date. Too soon for me to even be thinking about all that entails. And not for nothing? I want to be ABSOLUTELY up front and honest with him. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone else because of my "codieism". Is that a word?!?!?!?
The "theme" today for me? The parrallel in mine and my A's disease
Peace
You know, we newbies are very fortunate to have the wisdom of your experience. And please take this from my heart, but I am SO glad I wasn't as "entangled" as you guys are with the "history"
What you have given me, is the ability to say, if they can do it, so can I!!!!
So, I stayed in Ground Hog Day for one day. I'm learning that I can forgive myself AND pick myself right back up. No contact since that fateful email. I really HATE that I lost my 10 day streak, but this time, I'm going for "one day" longer. Let's see how far I make it
Weekends are tough because of the change. Way EASIER because he has NO way of contacting me. When I'm at work, its easier for him. After my email yesterday, he wrote me 4 more. I had my ass't monitoring though and she deleted them. She also answered my phone. Said he called a few times, left a message and maybe a bunch more cause she had a lot of "hang ups". At least I made it through the day with no more communication.
I got a "hangover" though. No matter how busy I keep myself, I find myself thinking/obsessing about him. I wish I didn't write that email in the WORSE way now, cause I remember how good I felt on that tenth day.
Oh well, something to look forward too huh?
KG, I am going out with the "friend" tonite. But only on one condition. I told him, it was to "hang out" and NOT a date. Too soon for me to even be thinking about all that entails. And not for nothing? I want to be ABSOLUTELY up front and honest with him. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone else because of my "codieism". Is that a word?!?!?!?
The "theme" today for me? The parrallel in mine and my A's disease
Peace
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Pick-a-name, do "they" have a secret book that only "they" know about? Every time I come to this board I am more amazed. And to think I thought all of "this" was only happening at my house. I would ask, "Why did you lie?" He would reply, "Because I didn't want to hurt you." Like that made it okay. Sick, plan and simple, just sick. Going to church tomorrow to do some heavy duty praying.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
CE Girl, okay here is the deal, this is what I would tell either one of my daughters, get out of the quick sand. You are moving and starting a new job. You get a second chance. Take it. I am usually not so straight forward with my post. Please forgive me if I am being pushy. Honestly I am not that type of person.
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