cyberwolf

Just to complicate things I got a letter today inviting me to go for a job interview on the 29th. Its a very similar job to what i am doing but offering support to those with disabilities (and not those affected by crimianl record/substance abuse) and I have to do a 5 minute presentation. There is just no way, I can't go to the frigging shops never mind do that and I REALLY would like that job, more challenges(like I need them right now), more money, more holidays and less office based work......

I have just woke up determined to go shopping after all I managed last week I made a list of loads of healthy and organic stuff to buy and have put bacon on to grill for breakfast, within that time I have worked myself into such a state that there is NO WAY i can go shopping.

Hangovers were better than this at least then there was a cause for the anxiety.

My B/F wants me to buy tickets to go see derren Brown ( a psychological illusionist for those who don't know him) and I am scared at the thought of being in a theatre to see him - how CRAZY is that I havnt even got the flipping tickets and my mind is on overdrive about what if I couldnt get out and what if I did get out but couldn't get home.

What is all this Sh*t about.

Greta start to the day its only 9.26 and I am already freaked out big time!

Hope you guys are better.

xXBacktoBlackXx

I hope that your mind settles a bit. I don't really have that much advice to offer, I'm sorry. I just hope that you're able to relax a bit and get the things that you want to accomplish done. Have a good day.

chrisj728

hey wolf, you just gotta summon up all that strength that used to keep you drinkin even when you felt like sh1t, throwin up and the likes. Then use that strength and determination to get out and face real life situations , start with the shopping and take it on from there, you managed last week so no probs today.
Take it slow and keep things simple dont project things to far into the future cuz its only today that you have any controll over anyhow.

chris

cyberwolf

I know you are SO right Chris and those are wise words, and maybe if I could get some food thats decent instead of pizza and processed meats I might feel a lot better! I know that this is reality and that unless I want to live my life by relying on other people all the time then I have to do this and that if I do freak out/keel over/collapse I doubt I will be the 1st person to do so in a supermarket and like the staff aren't just going to leave me there or walk over me!!... I honestly never felt like this when I was drinking. And I have to say the thought is there to have a drink (not at 11am, but like a bar lunch) But I WON't, but today it is strong and my excuse....so I can go to the shops....what kinda life is that!!

Hey if i get to the shops I can buy a lottery ticket and win and not have to worry about the job!! Seems the magic answer - but would the anxiety go - Absolutely not so I wouldnt be able to spend the money anyway unless I went shopping online lol

My comfort zone is my house and the park (sometimes!)

I just feel like such a fkn idiot

Dee74

you're not an idiot CW (f*n or otherwise!!)...it's just your body and mind readjusting after a long period of abuse...I find it helps a lot to try and remember that...it's a real shame about the job interview...but if it's too tough this time (and believe me I sympathise) I sure another opportunity will present itself...it sounds like a great area to work in...

D

chrisj728

hey wolf , im on me way out now and my biggest fear is that ill not be able to go in a shop without buyin booze. But I know i will just deal with that as and wen, I to feel safe in front of the pc and within the confines of these 4 walls but we gotta get out and get life going again. So ill go out now ,you go out do your healthy shoppin then check bak in later.

chris

cyberwolf

I have just bought 2 tickets for derren brown - ah well maybe he can hypnotise me or something!! At least B/f will be chuffed!!

Thanks D I think I am going to try a valium again today to see if that can get me through the whole shopping experience either that or resort to home delivery!! - that might come yet!

I have wanted to woirk for this organisation since I found out about them.....I wonder if a double dose of valium(after speaking to doc) would enable me to get through it. I had to do a 10 minute presentation for a panel of 3 for the job I have and this is only 5 minutes in front of 1 interviewer. But I guess its like the shops just because I did it last week/month/year, that doesnt mean i can do it today/tomorrow/next week.

Isn't the human body/mind a crazy crazy thing!

The worst thing is the feeling of non reality I could just about deal with the shaking its the surrealism i can't cope with, like the whole worlds happening around me and I am not reaklly part of it. If people didnt speak back to me, respond to emails I could almost be like patrick Swayze in ghost!!!

One day, one day it will lift, it has to!

cyberwolf

Cheers Chris, that just put a whole lot in perspective. I have my fears as do we all, your fear is a real one one that if you let it could happen, mine are just in my head. Thanks for that kick up the backside. I WILL go to the shops after lunch (and not a bar one).

Thanks a lot Chris that really helped.

Enjoy your day. I'll be back later.

Dee74

go, CW !!

D

chrisj728

k well i made it on the shopping run ok! looked down the booze isle and managed to say " no thanks i not today " how did you do wolf?

chris

cyberwolf

Hi Chris,
Good for you, well done on escaping the beer aisle.

I made it to Asda (less busy than tesco) with a little help from B/f (who I have to say is being amazing patient) Was lucky in fact that I managed to fit all I wanted in a basket so went to one of the basket aisles no queue! At the same time I handed in my prescription for Efexor, did the shopping and went back out and sat in the car. Then at 3 when prescription was ready to be picked up B/f offered to go back in but told him I wanted to go in on my own, if there was queue I'd come back out and he could go wait in q!!! Went in and it wasnt ready but would be soon, felt stupid walking away at that point so stayed and waited. Felt edgy and jittery waiting but just tried to keep talking to myself (they say thats the 1st sign of insanity lol) and got my prescription.

When I goyt home read the leaflet and now don't want to even take the drugs!!! Am going to look for a herbal/homeopathic alternative. Anyway, B/f away out with mates tonight so left me on my own and I decided to walk dog and went along to local shops and stood in queue to get lottery ticket (can live in hope!!) I hated every minute in the queue but I managed. Strange thing is I am now back home and in for the night with my 2 litres of Apple juice and I still feel jittery despite the fact absolutely nothing bad happened.

Anyways thats been my day I hope tomorrow good weather as I hope to go away up one of the glens with the dog and go horse riding. Want so much to get over this.

But well done you in shops too. Hang in there. And thanks for asking about me.

:-)

just realised his reply long - ah well ya did ask!!!!! ;-)

GlassPrisoner

Baby steps.

Keep your life simple. Right now isn't the best time to change jobs. You can't even go shopping, what makes you think you're ready for a big challange like a new job ?

Get a program and work it. Put sobriety first. The anxiety will lessen, the fog will lift. Then, when you are ready, more opportunity will present itself.

chrisj728

No worries on long posts here i've posted a few myself, well done to you to for doing all that today. You sound as if you have a very caring and supportive b/f and we've all needed stabillaty in the early stages of recovery. If the doc prescribed your meds then i think that you should consult back before looking for a herbal alternative, but thats just in my opinion, soz.
The glens and the horse riding sounds superb, I escape the city in the Derbyshire Dales somthing I also did alot of in the early stages, but lately i've been tied up in sorting family probs out, kids growing up and finding new homes and the likes. But I did find it a great source of release when I was first struggling, i should start going hiking again as soon as possible realy I suppose.
Anyways have a good evening and I hope you dont get any old neighbours calling on you late on this week, perhaps thats why your anxious , maybe.

Oh and i'm sorta hoping that i just bought the winning lotto tkt here in Birmingham lol

chris

cyberwolf

Opinions always welcome and valued Chris so thanks. You may have a point about "ex neighbour anxiety" as it was pretty scary - but curtains will be shut when its dark, door will be double locked and not answered unless its fire brigade or police!!!

Maybe between us we could have two winning lottery tickets, or hey, I'll settle for 5 plus bonus ball, I don't have kids moving houses etc...lol

Feeling a bit more positive than 12 hours ago, thanks for your support and encouragement today - and that goes to everyone who has posted me today.

You have a good night too Chris, no doubt I'll be about later.

Take it easy

TINLIZZY

I can relate to your fear of shopping. As stated in another thread, I drank last Sunday and did so by going to the market and buying a bottle. I had to go back to the market on Thursday, and felt a twinge of apprehension before going in. While I had no intention of buying anything but dinner, I did not want to be tempted by the alcohol isle.

Just my 2 cents - I'd pass on the interview/new job. Take care of your sobriety and yourself first. For me, doing the job I've done for the past 15+ years is about all I can manage!

It will get better.

TinLizzy