kglast

Received a voice mail from XAF after work today - had to listen, of course, this might be "the call" - you know, the one where he realized what an ass he has been and is going to get help....well, of course, it wasn't. i could hear the music in the background. he called to inform me that he had written a goodbye letter to MY son, and he was sure I would read it to him and then maybe I would understand better how he feels!! WHAT??? he went on to say he was sorry that it has come to this, that he loves me, and wants the best for me and get this, if i ever need anything, call him - he will ALWAYS be there for me!! RIGHT!! if that was true, we wouldn't be where we are right now. i deleted the message. i don't even want the letter to come but know i can't call back and tell him not to send it b/c i will only start another fight and end up feeling terrible. i know i don't have to open it when it comes, but i don't know if i will be able to resist.

this is so crappy! i agree with ce girl when she says these weekends are the worst. that is when we spent our time together...i just have to keep reminding myself that he is not the same person anymore....and to be honest, it is bothering me that he is not calling, fighting for us, for me, for himself...how can he just let it all go???? i don't understand.

my head is all over the place!!!!!!!!! - wait, it wasn't until I listened to that message...HELLO!!! this is why i am supposed to delete without listening, right?? but what if i miss "the Call" - this is what i tell myself...GRR!!! sorry to ramble!

loveRoy

For me the rollercoaster ride got old and only led to more pain. I know how awful this is. No contact is tough but it is the only way I can deal. I hope you and your son do something special this weekend. Pray for peace. Keep posting.

CE Girl

kglast, I FEEL ya baby,,,

Found myself thrust into the SAME place today. God, why did I write that email?!?!?

I read the one he sent back

But you know what? I STOPPED there!!!

The rest of the day, I grappled with the SAME issues/questions you are asking yourself now. Please go read the recent post I wrote on the thread I "caved,,or did I"

Forgive yourself girl, and move past it. YOU CAN DO IT!!! look how far you've come?!?!?! What I did today, set me back, but I refuse to let it slow me down. Realizing instead, that I will NEVER get the "one". It's the same ole, same ole crap. And I've had enough of it stalling me!!!

You GO girl, head down, plow forward.

As for the weekend? I envy you. You have your son to distract you. I'm going to ANOTHER al anon meeting. In fact asked in my thread, "Is there an MA (meetings anonymous)? Cause I think I'm addicted,,,,he,he,he

Peace KG

best

If he gets "it" and starts doing things correctly... there won't be a call or a letter.
He would want to do such in person.
Delete away... quack quack quack just takes up message space.

atalose

"the call" isn't going to be what will tell you that he wants to seek help, his actions are going to do that not his words over a phone. Even if he did tell you what you are hoping to hear you couldn't beleive it until his actions show it so "the call" means nothing. Delete those messages without listening to them.

What struck me was that he told you he wrote a good bye letter to your son, what does he mean when he says good bye that could be taken in a couple of ways.

minnie

Buttocks. Mods - it's this one you need to delete is you want to tidy up.

minnie

Best is right. Something as big as making amends with a partner is not a phone call job, unless it is a long gone ex. You don't have to be hanging by the phone or waiting in the house. If he wants to make contact for healthy reasons, the he will. And won't stop until he does. And when you get the letter? I know I would want to read it. I know when I get post like that that I would rather take my time, get a nice cup of coffee and sit in the garden, pay attention to what is written, then burn the fecker till there is nothing left to read. (j/k, I think)

Anyway, enough about him. What are you doing for you? Al-anon or counselling? Any good books you're reading?

kglast

thanks all -

CE - i did read your post - prayers for you....let's keep on keeping on...

Minnie - i also thought about returning the letter to sender without opening it....may try that....and yes, i am reading some good books at the moment - not surprisingly, i am relating quite a bit reading Codependent No More....i also purchased the follow up. counselling/al-anon a little more difficult as i am a single mom and don't have a lot of babysitting options. i only have one free night a week as it is. i have been in counselling before and am considering it again.

incidentally, i did not cry and fall apart after his message, obviously got momentairly flustered though...he has continued calling tonight (and drinking, i am confident), however, i unplugged the phone and turned off the cell. going to go curl up in bed with my book and get a good night's sleep.

oh, and atalose - he meant good-bye because the relationship is over and he didn't want to leave my 7 hear old son who he is close to hanging (gee, what a nice guy - maybe you could have, i don't know,,,,QUIT DRINKING!!!!!! INSTEAD????

StandingStrong

Ahh...the long-awaited call....the words that we've all longed to hear.......

I've received that call. I've heard the words. I've been told everything that I wanted to hear and had the promises made - and, of course, it was always going to be different "this time". Heck, I even had my A break down and literally sob on my shoulder as he apologized over and over and over again. I'd have probably broke down and given in at that point if it weren't for the fact that at that point, I was just too numb to feel.

My point is that I've heard the words, I've gotten handwritten letters, I've got emails and Instant Messages, and oh so much more.
But really - you know what all that was?
WORDS!!!

We're told over and over again that "Actions speak louder than words" and that saying is so very true. True for the A's in our lives - but also true for us.

If the weekends are the hardest - make plans so that you'll be distracted instead of having too much time on your hands to think!
No contact is incredibly hard - but it's good that you are realizing that it was AFTER the call that you felt all those emotions again.

He can talk all he wants too. Watch the long-term actions. And watch your own!

atalose

His good bye letter to your 7 year old is weak, manipulative and most likely inappropriate for a 7 year old. The manipulation is him most likely counting on you reading it for your benefit not your 7 year olds. A letter is a safe way for him to rid himself of quilt while putting you on a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Burning the letter is far more healthier for you then reading it or sending it back. If you send it back you will be waiting for his reaction to that, it just keeps you engaged.
Burning it could help you bring closure to a bad relationship that is just not mean to be for you now.
My best advise to you if you do receive a letter would be to burn it and not even put yourself on that roller coaster ride of emotions. Many of us here have been on that ride and it's the same ride over and over again leading back to the exact same place.

kglast

thanks for the advice - atalose - i know the letter will be arriving and have been avoiding the mailbox. i agree i should not read it and it is mostly for my benefit. he said as much in his message - that i would maybe better understand how he feels. you know what?? i don't care how he feels anymore. the more i look back on this relationship, the more i see it was all about him and i am beginning to wonder what the hell i was thinking. trying to figure out why i needed to be involved with him and change that about myself so i don't get sucked in to another unhealthy relationship. thanks for listening!

atalose

Good for you, it's great you are asking yourself those questions because at best it will keep you on hightened alert the next time. I think those red flags everyone talks about are lessons learned along this path in life. Each lesson helps us with the next. Maybe that is why you needed to get involved with him to learn this lesson so you don't repeat it again.
That's the problem with addicts, it's always all about them, especialy when they are active.