an'ka

I enjoy reading your posts; I find them both honest and insightful. Can you share some of your brightest lightbulb moments?

Rella927

DITTO! Minnie is a very inspiring individual ! ((((HUGS)))) to Minnie

M-I-N-N-I-E

CE Girl

((((((((((((((MINNIE)))))))))))))

Biggest hugs of all!!!! She took me under her wing, and is teaching me how to fly.

My first 24 hours on SR, and Minnie was catching me in her hands. Slowly, patiently, honestly guiding me and showing me how to hold on. Her words inspired me, but it was more. We "connected" at the core, without her, I would not have made it through those first 24 hours. She continues to share, openly and without fear as I fumble my way through this journey.

There are unsung heros on his site, Minnie is one of them,,,,

Thank you an'ka for this thread

minnie

Wow!! Thank you guys - you're making me blush......

I could talk for hours about my lightbulb moments because I have had so many. If you're bored of an evening, most of them are on SR of you look back through my old posts. (When I read back to the beginning, it's like reading someone else's story, I swear.)

Anyway, how did you know that I was having a crisis this week, including whether or not my time here was long passed even before I came back the other week? And why oh why did you set this task on a Friday night?!!

OK, I'll try and summarise, in no particular order.

1. I don't know what's best for anyone else at any particular time. Excepting physical violence, I try to promote awareness rather than give advice. For all I know, the pain that a person is trying to escape from through drink is much greater than the pain that they are causing/experiencing today. (I know I have some work to do when responding on this board occasionally - I hope you all know that I mean no malice.)

2. I have choices. 'Nuff said.

3. Drinking is a symptom not a cause. As is rescuing behaviour. In fact, I would go so far as to say that there is root cause of (almost) all dysfunction - lack of respect and love for oneself.

4. They aren't doing it to me, they're just doing it.

5. People will do or say whatever it takes to get their needs met when they are not in a healthy place.

6. A cliche, but cliches are that way because they speak the truth - Actions speak louder than words.

7. Love is not enough - if it were so, there would be no addicts in the world.

8. Love is often used when we mean dependency, need, lust, like, fear of being alone.

9. Boundaries are not rules for them, they are protection for me.

10. I cannot be a therapist to a partner. Or family member, especially not a parent or a child. That is a big boundary violation.

11. I am me. Even if I were in a relationship, I am me. I am not looking for my "other half" because I am a whole person as me.

12. Soulmates do not have to be a romantic partner. They can be friends or family too. And there is more than one out there. Ditch the Mills and Boon stuff.

13. I am a product of my upbringing. Understanding that helped me fit a lot of pieces of the jigsaw.

14. I am influenced by my environment. So, today I choose to minimise the negative and maximise the positive energy.

15. To borrow from Dr Phil, we teach people how to treat us. If I don't want to be seen as a doormat, I have to get off the floor.

16. Blame is banished from my vocabulary.

18. It takes two to tango - I have a part in every interaction I ever have.

19. My bestest buddies in the whole world came from being on this site. This place transforms lives and creates what I hope are life long friendships. As I said to one of them the other day, I miss her so much, yet we have only spent a few days together IRL and spoken some on the phone. And I am waiting for a call from another. And I am due an email to another two in a similar vein. See above - that's what soulmates are all about.

See? I have learned a lot in the past few years. And I know I'll be back to put some more stuff down. But please remember, this is not new stuff I am sharing - I was just lucky enough to have some great teachers and some exemplary fellow pupils. I ain't inventing the wheel.

minnie

BTW, you have me with tears in my eyes.

I don't do crying, dammit.

minnie

Oh, and there are plenty of others who have "got it" too. I am not going to name names in case I miss anyone out in my tired, Friday night state, but I would love it if you all shared your lightbulb moments too. You know who you are ((((hugs))) And if anyone thinks that a cliquey thing to say, well, the door is always open and the coffee's waiting.

Right, I'll shut up now.

CE Girl

No, but you are coming from your core Minnie. And you ain't got no crap on it!!!!

Your's shines

I know I got 11 more steps to go through. Your 19 are the outline for them

Love
CEG

TexasGirl

I am so glad to see you around again. You (along with about 5-10 others that I won't try to name either in case I miss one) have absolutely been a source of understanding strength since day 1, literally.

One day, I said something like that I wished an angel would just appear and tell me that I didn't have to worry about it (leaving) anymore and that it would be okay. You used the angel smiley and said just that right back to me. I loved that.

minnie

Thank you, CEG. That is what I have aspired to from the first day I started to get what this recovery lark was all about. Thank you for telling me that I am on track.

TG - you know, I almost second guessed myself about posting that angel because I thought it was a bit too "fluffy". I'm glad I did it. It felt good for me and I am chuffed that it helped you.

CE Girl

Chuffed? What the heck is CHUFFED?!?!?!

I got to get off these shores and travel abroud to get some culture. Though, I've been told people in England speak english?!?!?!?

You more than "on track" Minnie, in the words of us american hippies, your RIGHT ON!!!

Peace

Jazzman

I'll second the sentiment... Minnie is my friend and I'm proud to know her, and lucky to have had her words of wisdom to myself.

LaTeeDa

Count me in. I'd like to join the Minnie Fan Club. Many times her words to me eventually led to my own light bulb moments. And the really cool thing is, once I started to get the big ones, like she listed above, they lead to many more individual, personal ones.

L

GlassPrisoner

Wow ! Just....wow.

(I think I'm in love)

That had to be one of the biggest revelations of my 4th & 5th steps. People do what people do. Hell, not only are they NOT doing it to me, most of the time I never even cross their mind

I think you have another fan.

denny57

really . . . . . hmmmmmm. LOL

(((minnie)))

minnie

Ya know, I've been thinking about this thread over the weekend and I realise that I didn't really answer the question. Instead, I posted more of a "manifesto". Going back to those moments that lead to realisations is hard for me, both because (as LTD said), they were very often sparked or clarified because of discussions with others on here, but also because they came from very painful times. I don't want to go back and think about those times - I've dealt with them and moved on. And I think that is why I have been in a funk recently. Coming back here because I felt like I still had something to offer, yet being reminded of what I have experienced is a difficult balancing act and I think that a major part of my recovery is looking after ME.

My life is far from being perfect, yet at least I am not stuck in the limbo that was a toxic relationship - both with my ex and with myself. Sacrificing myself at the altar of someone elses issues, or my own, is no longer an option for me. And I urge you all to take the same stance.

I have the choice of following a healthy path. All of us do.

denny57

Thanks for sharing Minnie. I had a conversation with my therapist about this topic last week. I'm at a point where I no longer want my time with an alcoholic to define my life, define who I am or be the center point from which everything here on out radiates from. I'm working to find a place where I can offer my experience, strength and hope without re-living the past. It's not so easy, but I think I'm slowly getting there.

I love how you say not sacrificing yourself at the altar of your own issues. I didn't realize just how scared I was to really let go.

((()))

CE Girl

As a newbie Minnie, I say almost the same thing to myself EVERY day. It feels GOOD not to be in a dysfunctional relationship!!!!

Totally understandable and can't say that I blame ya. But know, that is one of the things that makes you, and others (ICU, Denny57, LaTeeDa to name a few) so INVALUABLE to us newbies!!! Your words or wisdom and experiences give me HOPE that I too can be in a "safe" place where I've learned to love myself first. Remembering must be tough, however, and in the state I'm in these days, I'd be running for the hills!! The fact you stay and contribute speaks VOLUMES through ACTIONS, of how much you all have healed. I for one, thank you from the bottom of my heart

Case in point!!! What better lesson/example for the rest of us than that,,,

Peace

Spiritual Seeker

It is fantastic to chat with those who understand recovery. Progress not perfection, I'm gettin' there too. Our collective experiences & strength is powerful and I am glad to be a part.

minnie

Exactly!! I knew you (in particular) would understand where I am coming from. What I have been through was life-changing on a dramatic scale. Negatively in the short term, hugely positive in that I learned some lessons that were long overdue. However, it is not the basis for my existence.

That said, I struggle with the concept that I would not have learned the lessons I have had it not been for those that have gone before me sharing their stories and viewpoints so freely. Do I now have a duty* to fulfill that role for others? If so, do I do that within the relatively narrow focus that is the world of those that are affected by others' drinking habits or is this not really a bigger picture thing?

I hestitate to ask these questions because it can smack of bigging myself up. I don't know all the answers for me, let alone anyone else, however I do think that I know many more questions to ask than I did a few years ago. And that is the basis of my recovery, really. Instead of accepting the status quo, whether that of myself, my family, society, I would rather become a questioner so that I find my own standards and values and encourage others to do the same.

I'll get there. As SS says, progress not perfection.

*I don't really like that word, but struggled to find another.

CE Girl

How bout service Minnie? What you are doing is not an obligation, its about love.

Silly english girl

No, it "smacks" of love. I'm thinking thats pretty HUMBLING

Giving the progressive nature of the codie disease, I would think the recovery would be just as progressive. And while its true that there are different levels of progression, each one is a process. I'm thinking your going through the "process" of your particular level at this point Minnie. And giving this question over to your hp ensures an answer in the proper timeframe

Thank you for your service of love Minnie,,,

Peace