Why Do I Feel Like I Ratted AW Out?

Old 05-18-2007, 11:06 AM
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Why Do I Feel Like I Ratted AW Out?

So, I just spoke to a minister (a very cool one) about my marriage of 2 years to an AW.

After two years of going around and around and getting nowhere...and having my feelings crushed and my self esteem slammed more times than I can count...I called this guy up today and asked if we could talk.

When he met with me, I just blurted out my story. He was compassionate and understanding and didn't try to shove religion down my throat...but did tell me he would help me, find me help and stand by me.

Now, some sixty minutes later, why do I feel so guilty like I've betrayed my AW? She would kill me if she knew. Why am I feeling like this? Is this normal? Any comments or suggestions would be most helpful.
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Old 05-18-2007, 11:12 AM
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you are stepping outside your relation for help--this is a good thing--but sometimes at first it can feel like betrayal---it is not--I am so happy the right person has been put in your path to help you out....don't feel guilty--keep it to yourself--and get the help you need
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Old 05-18-2007, 11:17 AM
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First, Welcome to SR!

As to Why? Because it's foreign to you to take care of yourself!

We get so wrapped up in taking care of our As that we forget we need help too!

I think you did a good thing there! Get the help your pastor offers!
And learn everything you can! There are some great articles at the top of the forum page to read! And ask all the questions you can think of!!

Welcome to SR and good job taking that step and seeking help!
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Old 05-18-2007, 12:13 PM
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I felt the same why, When I couldnt take another day with AH I called a counsler made an appointment, I told her every little detail there was to tell. At the time it was a great relief to finally tell all. On the drive home, for some reason I was horrified I had told the secret. As time goes by it will make you feel free. Ive had to learn to take care of myself (which Im still working on) Like the above posts. Read and learn as much as you can. Im pretty new to this board in posting but Ive read so many posts and gained such knowledge. These people here know excatly what your feeling.
Some are still in the chaos or been there.
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Old 05-18-2007, 12:13 PM
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Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site ever.
In my opinion to type it out where people care, understand and many in the same boat really helps.
It was the old school that thought we were all to handle our own problems and never take it outside the home. IMO that was not good.

did the minister recommend Al-non? Men go. It is very good.
We have men on here, hope they stop by.
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Old 05-18-2007, 12:39 PM
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Welcome to SR! Zoey said it perfect!

And to answer your questions-
Why am I feeling like this?

It is natural feeling to feel like you are doing something behind their back and feel guilty but, IMHO you are doing something for yourself and your sanity and that is nothing to feel guilty about at all.

Is this normal?

YES! Totally normal to feel this way when you are involved with an A


Read some stickies-and possibly think about an Al-Anon meeting!

Good Luck and Welcome!
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Old 05-18-2007, 01:05 PM
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Yes it's normal to feel this way. The A's don't like you to step outside the relationship for anything let alone help for you or them. They want to isolate and hide as much as they can and they want you to, too.

My ex A would have a fit about me talking to people about what was going on in our relationship.

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Old 05-18-2007, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by AskingWhy View Post
Now, some sixty minutes later, why do I feel so guilty like I've betrayed my AW? She would kill me if she knew. Why am I feeling like this? Is this normal? Any comments or suggestions would be most helpful.

I too spoke with a pastor [even though I'm not religious], in hopes of getting my AH to admit his drinking problem...to no avail...I was the source of ALL his problems!

I continued to meet with the pastor by myself and found him to be a great support system in helping me realize that I WAS NOT going to watch my A KILL HIMSELF and take me with him! The fact is, YOU are drowning from all the weight that has been placed upon your shoulders in caring for the A [and family too]. Like anyone who is in the midst of completely drowning---they need a life-preserver to survive!

This pastor saved my life, literally. He helped me to accept that I did not cause it, I can no longer control it, and am completely incapable of curing it! I had to get out of the marriage or I was literally going to die from the misery it causes--- I chose life!

She will suck you completely dry! There just is no happy ending as long as we allow them to kill themselves, and they in-turn, destroy us in the process.

IT IS, WHAT IT IS and no amount of love will change it.
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Old 05-18-2007, 04:19 PM
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Welcome, askingwhy, glad you're here!
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Old 05-18-2007, 04:56 PM
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I felt like I was ratting my ex out to when I spoke to anyone. That's cos he got me so well trained at keeping secrets. (which was only tapping into something I was well used to in my family.)

Then I learned that we are only as sick as our secrets and the rest is history.
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Old 05-18-2007, 06:57 PM
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sometimes there is a happy ending--haven't we all met someone who is a miracle--if you go to AA or Alanon you must see them alot!--And I DO believe LOVE makes all the difference--no matter what the outcome is...
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Old 05-18-2007, 11:29 PM
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Welcome. We have all been or are going through what you are going through.

It is NORMAL for loved ones to feel guilt, anger, resentment, etc etc. Substance addiction (alcohol or drugs) warps the mind and distorts normal thinking. In essence you are dealing with a less than sane person. Mental clarity may fluctuate between drinking, after adequate sleep, HOWEVER do yourself a favor and don't try to apply logic or reason where it is inapplicable.

Their behavior sucks in family members and can easily make family/loved ones emotionally and or physically ill. The non addicted family members need to learn how to preserve and improve their mental health because one crucifiction was enough, so to speak.

Try to attend support groups for families/friends of addicts. These are usually hosted by rehab counselors and you will learn a lot about dealing with an addicted loved one. You will also regain peace of mind, or regain some that you no doubt lost.

Doing this is BECAUSE you LOVE that person and although it may initially alienate her it is for the greater GOOD in the long run. Alcoholics try to control everything and that includes loved ones. Often, sorry to say, loved ones only become caretakers and drinking financiers.

Our hearts go out to you and your loved one(s) including the alcoholic in your life.
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Old 05-18-2007, 11:53 PM
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Seek the light. Believe it or not the 12 steps will change your perspective and improve all your relationships. As a non addict I didn't get this at first.It will teach you to stop taking her inventory and to start takin' your own. Admitting your are powerless is the 1st step do not regret your decision to find a better way.
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:04 AM
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I think you feel like you ratted your wife out because she conditioned you to feel that way. She has kept you from speaking to anyone about it by letting you know in advance that if you did, she would consider it a betrayal. That's manipulation. The only opinion or help she wants you to consider is hers. So long as she can keep you isolated, she keeps you captive. She will have a fit if she finds out. So what.
What if no one cares that she has a great big tantrum. She gets what she wants by behaving in a way that makes you regret bringing it up.
She makes you regret bringing it up. My husband would withdraw affection if he felt betrayed in any way what so ever. That's what really hurt me most. I would have tolerated anything not to be pushed away.
It did come to the point where he pushed me away anyway, I was in his way. I was an expense.
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Old 05-19-2007, 10:37 AM
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The true and ultimate sole "betrayal" is by the addict to the meaningful people in their lives.
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