Frustrated and Dating a Recovering Alcoholic
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Montreal
Posts: 16
Frustrated and Dating a Recovering Alcoholic
I got a suggestion that I repost this in this forum so here I am. I posted this originally in Relationships and Sobriety. It is my first post. I’m hoping to get some feedback because I‘m pretty sure I’m losing perspective of the situation. So far, I've heard some great stuff. Thanks.
Here’s my story. Nine months ago, I started dating a recovering alcoholic. He was in his tenth month of sobriety at the time. I didn’t know anything about alcoholism at the time so I had no clue as to what I was about to get myself into. He seemed sincere about his recovery, so I decided he deserved a chance and we started going out. I jumped right into learning everything I could about alcoholism. I wanted to be supportive. I read the Big Book. I went to speaker meetings with him. I asked a lot of questions. Then things began to change.
I started to recognize myself in the stories of others. Take away the booze and it could have been me talking to a room full of people. I was very confused and sought out guidance. I went to an Al-Anon meeting. It felt right to be there, but something was missing. I made an appointment with a counsellor and halfway into our session, she asked me to read the twelve characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics. I recognized myself in at least half of them. I was bowled over by the revelation and none too happy about it. All of sudden, so much made sense. No one in my immediate family suffered from alcoholism, but the atmosphere in my house sure felt like something was wrong. There were no hugs or encouragement, but there was definitely either a lot of discipline or just plain neglect.
It’s no wonder I have massive abandonment issues. It’s gotten to the point where either I act so self-sufficient that I don’t let people in or if I do let them in, I start subverting my own will/voice/needs in hopes of avoiding conflict. How twisted is that? I either don’t let them in because I’m afraid they’ll let me down and I will want to leave or I start treating myself like a second class citizen because I don’t want them to leave me.
Right now, I’m obsessing. I know it’s bad, but I can’t seem to detach. My boyfriend is always at my house and I mean always! Day and night, he’s there. If he’s not at a meeting, he’s with his son or me. He doesn’t like to talk about how he feels about me. I’ve forced the issue and he claims that his actions should speak louder than words, but that just doesn’t cut it for me. He doesn’t want to make a formal commitment to me because he hasn’t returned to work yet and doesn’t have any reliable income coming in. Just some odd jobs here and there. And yet…he’s always at my house! I know the right thing to do is to step back from the relationship, ask him to spend more time at his own place and start standing up for myself. I just don’t seem to have the strength of character. I feel like such a coward.
I feel crippled by all of this; mostly because I haven’t mastered the right tools to manage my relationships. And somehow, he’s managed to get himself a get-out-of-jail free card because he’s a recovering alcoholic. I keep getting the message from AA and Al-Anon that I’m suppose to be patient with him because he’s learning to cope with his emotions instead of leaning on alcohol as a crutch. Well, that’s just fine and dandy, but when does it stop being all about the alcoholic and his noble struggle and start becoming about what’s best for the couple? One year into recovery? Two years? Ten years? Never? Why is it always about them? And that’s the problem. I don’t know if I can stay with someone who only once in a blue moon thinks about my feelings. I feel like the situation has become all or nothing. I fear that if I get into it with him, that it will be the end of the relationship. I don’t want the relationship to because when I’m not obsessing, our time together is brilliant and I’m not ready to let go. So what do I do?
Here’s my story. Nine months ago, I started dating a recovering alcoholic. He was in his tenth month of sobriety at the time. I didn’t know anything about alcoholism at the time so I had no clue as to what I was about to get myself into. He seemed sincere about his recovery, so I decided he deserved a chance and we started going out. I jumped right into learning everything I could about alcoholism. I wanted to be supportive. I read the Big Book. I went to speaker meetings with him. I asked a lot of questions. Then things began to change.
I started to recognize myself in the stories of others. Take away the booze and it could have been me talking to a room full of people. I was very confused and sought out guidance. I went to an Al-Anon meeting. It felt right to be there, but something was missing. I made an appointment with a counsellor and halfway into our session, she asked me to read the twelve characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics. I recognized myself in at least half of them. I was bowled over by the revelation and none too happy about it. All of sudden, so much made sense. No one in my immediate family suffered from alcoholism, but the atmosphere in my house sure felt like something was wrong. There were no hugs or encouragement, but there was definitely either a lot of discipline or just plain neglect.
It’s no wonder I have massive abandonment issues. It’s gotten to the point where either I act so self-sufficient that I don’t let people in or if I do let them in, I start subverting my own will/voice/needs in hopes of avoiding conflict. How twisted is that? I either don’t let them in because I’m afraid they’ll let me down and I will want to leave or I start treating myself like a second class citizen because I don’t want them to leave me.
Right now, I’m obsessing. I know it’s bad, but I can’t seem to detach. My boyfriend is always at my house and I mean always! Day and night, he’s there. If he’s not at a meeting, he’s with his son or me. He doesn’t like to talk about how he feels about me. I’ve forced the issue and he claims that his actions should speak louder than words, but that just doesn’t cut it for me. He doesn’t want to make a formal commitment to me because he hasn’t returned to work yet and doesn’t have any reliable income coming in. Just some odd jobs here and there. And yet…he’s always at my house! I know the right thing to do is to step back from the relationship, ask him to spend more time at his own place and start standing up for myself. I just don’t seem to have the strength of character. I feel like such a coward.
I feel crippled by all of this; mostly because I haven’t mastered the right tools to manage my relationships. And somehow, he’s managed to get himself a get-out-of-jail free card because he’s a recovering alcoholic. I keep getting the message from AA and Al-Anon that I’m suppose to be patient with him because he’s learning to cope with his emotions instead of leaning on alcohol as a crutch. Well, that’s just fine and dandy, but when does it stop being all about the alcoholic and his noble struggle and start becoming about what’s best for the couple? One year into recovery? Two years? Ten years? Never? Why is it always about them? And that’s the problem. I don’t know if I can stay with someone who only once in a blue moon thinks about my feelings. I feel like the situation has become all or nothing. I fear that if I get into it with him, that it will be the end of the relationship. I don’t want the relationship to because when I’m not obsessing, our time together is brilliant and I’m not ready to let go. So what do I do?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Hemmingway's D 
He doesn’t like to talk about how he feels about me. I’ve forced the issue and he claims that his actions should speak louder than words, but that just doesn’t cut it for me. He doesn’t want to make a formal commitment to me because he hasn’t returned to work yet and doesn’t have any reliable income coming in.
Are you still attending Al-Anon meetings? If so, I'd continue to go; if not, I'd reconsider, especially in light of the fact you said it "felt right" there.
What kind of formal commitment are you looking for? Something I've learned is to listen when people are telling me about themselves. I WILL NOT CHANGE THEM. I had to decide what I wanted in my life and then go get it. If the person I was in a relationship with (and I was with AH for 18 years) does not want the same things, then it is up to ME to go get them for my life, not force them on him. I spent far too many years trying to convince him I was a person worth changing for. I was insane.
Keep posting - lots of experience, strength, hope and love here.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((Hemmingway'sD))))))
Welcome! In AA's big book it says not to make any changes for a year. Getting into a relationship is a change....
There are very good reasons why it is suggested that someone in recovery not start a new relationship in the first year.
10 months is not a year...
At any rate it sounds like you may have some issues of your own to work on and one of them seems to be personal boundries as he is spending all of his time at your house....
Welcome! In AA's big book it says not to make any changes for a year. Getting into a relationship is a change....
There are very good reasons why it is suggested that someone in recovery not start a new relationship in the first year.
10 months is not a year...
At any rate it sounds like you may have some issues of your own to work on and one of them seems to be personal boundries as he is spending all of his time at your house....
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome, glad you are here 
I said this ALOT!! Every time my ex would stop drinking, go back to rehab, I asked this. It was always about my ex, because a) I had stopped living my life for me and b)he was selfish.
I didnt know that my happiness and sanity was important! I thought I was just supposed to sit back and let him do his thing, bc he wasn't drinking. WRONG.
If he doesnt want to make a commitment, that doesnt sound so bad.
I would, if it were me, lay down some boundries about my space and my home, and how much of that I was and was not willing to give to him.
Well, that’s just fine and dandy, but when does it stop being all about the alcoholic and his noble struggle and start becoming about what’s best for the couple? One year into recovery? Two years? Ten years? Never? Why is it always about them?
I didnt know that my happiness and sanity was important! I thought I was just supposed to sit back and let him do his thing, bc he wasn't drinking. WRONG.
If he doesnt want to make a commitment, that doesnt sound so bad.
I would, if it were me, lay down some boundries about my space and my home, and how much of that I was and was not willing to give to him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
It is a very selfish disease. It really is mostly up to them-the recovery-once they are clean for about 6 month and hopefully get back on their feet stay sober and start working--it can start to be working on the couple time.
You have choices to make.
he IS living with you but with no commitment?
So how is that working for you?
He is still early into his recovery--you can't expect much of anything then as it is a day to day struggle for them just to stay sober.
Maybe he needs to get his own place and you need to step back and examine your reasons for what you are doing.Best of Luck to you...
You have choices to make.
he IS living with you but with no commitment?
So how is that working for you?
He is still early into his recovery--you can't expect much of anything then as it is a day to day struggle for them just to stay sober.
Maybe he needs to get his own place and you need to step back and examine your reasons for what you are doing.Best of Luck to you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
For five years of my marriage, I put out fires created by my AH. I worried about him, I thought about him, his welfare, his plans, his feelings, and I became so enmeshed with that man that I stopped living my life. I lived through him, I reacted to his actions, and I kept waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting... I gave him more and more time to grow up and treat me like I deserve to be treated. The disease to please is powerful, and I can totally relate to what you described--I am extremely responsible and self reliant, but completely rejected my needs for my spouse. I am finally beginning to "see the light" in that hoping and believing in another person is great, but at a certain point, it becomes sheer stupidity. Find a way to establish boundaries--why is he in your house all the time if he can't even commit to you or talk about it with you? Resist the impulse to please him and worry too much about him--he is an adult and HE WILL SURVIVE, maybe even thrive, with or without you. Stand up for yourself and your needs, because if you don't, you'll lose the person that matters the most--you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
I think if you start living your own life, or planning special time for your child and you ALONE, and doing things for yourself will help. Either he will notice and want to talk with you about your relationship, or he will go back to living his own life. You have to decide what makes you happy. Remember he is NOT the brass ring, you are the brass ring, and so is your child. Follow your heart and a big hug.
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